Before....

Here is the material I picked out to make Katie's skirt. It's going to be 3 tiers and then I am going to take the black w/orange polka dot fabric (middle tier) and make a ruffle out of that for the bottom. I think it's going to look cute. I should be able to find a cute black Old Navy Tee to put with it (In fact I might have one floating around somewhere with an orange pumpkin on it). If not, I will see if they have one at Old Navy. Worse comes to worse I can put a plain white shirt with it. I don't really want to go out and buy the shirt at Old Navy just in case I don't get the skirt done right! Anyway, this is the material and I start on Monday hopefully. MIL's sewing machine is coming tomorrow and she is going to show me how to thread it and then give me lots of remnants to practice making seams on. Who knows, maybe it will turn out to be a quilt someday? So, try to imagine these fabrics in 3 tiers as a skirt!

Katie's first day riding the bus

Here's my cool tote since we can't have backpacks on the bus!



Waiting (im)patiently for the bus!



Look how big my bus is and how small I am....but I love it!




BIG step up!



I don't know that I can even put into words the feelings going through me that day. And it's been 4 days since. She's not even off to Kindergarten yet, and already, my baby is going to school on the bus. I love her school, she's been there (with me!) since she was a year old, but this is a big step. And I guess we are lucky because next year when she is gone all day to school, I will already have cried on the first day, seeing her get on that bus.

She loves school. I will be going in on Friday's to be a room helper (well, every other Friday since they only have school every other Friday) and I am joining the PTO. I can't even say that I haven't had anything to do while she's been gone since Cheryl stayed home the first day, I had a church meeting the second day, did housework the third day and went fabric shopping with MIL today. More pics of the fabric we chose for the skirt I am going to make Katie!

So, enjoy these cute pics of my baby, on her first bus ride to school!

Open blog

I have decided with much thought, that I am not going to make this a closed blog. Why let one person take what you have written and throw it in your face and then make everyone else have to jump through hoops just to read. So, I am making this public, but I will mostly be talking about my learning to sew. At some time in the future, I might start another blog about feelings and stuff, especially as my mother nears the end of her life. She has end stage lung disease and we are not sure how much longer she has to live. I have lots to catch you all up with now that the drama is gone. Some pics to share of Katie getting on the bus for the first time, etc.

So, let's just get one with things shall we? It's a beautiful fall day here in Upstate NY! The sun is shining, the leaves are changing and life is just great. I refuse to let anyone ruin my good mood and I pray for those whose lives are in such disarray that they must use someone else to take it out on.

So, let's play! Have fun! For this is the day that the Lord Hath Made!
Wendy

Permissions needed

Sadly I have to go this way for now. Instead of throwing away all the memories I have created, I have been encouraged to go permissions only. If you want an invite, let me know and I will send you one.
Wendy

Over and OUT

I am putting this blog to rest. The words that have been spoken here, have been thrown in my face in a very painful way. I am done. Done with everything. I appreciate those of you who have supported me throught the years and have read what I had to say. One last piece of advice before I depart, every single word you write on a blog will be analyized and thrown back in your face by people you think are your friends. I am done with this blog and done with everything.

Over and OUT!

OK, that was a flop

So, no one wants to send me their creations. Didn't think it would work anyway. I have really gotten the feeling that the whole sewing world is cut throat and no one wants to give up their secrets. Well, then let's just move on to unruly 15 year olds shall we?

Can someone please tell me how the hell I am going to get through the next 3 years without going stark raving mad? Tonight Gillian brings home R rated movies (not allowed in this house) and then looks at me as though I have 3 heads when I tell her they are not allowed in the house. Why not? Because they aren't apprpriate I say. Well, I have already seen them. I don't really care. They are not to come into this house.

What are your expectations for your teens? Do they watch R rated movies in your house? Do you ban them from them knowing they are just going to watch them somewhere else? Do you just put your foot down and say no? I am seriously at a loss here.

Every single rule that we put down gets pushed and I am so damn tired of hearing her mouth and attitude. I am tired of being treated like a piece of shit, like I am worthless than dirt. And it just keeps going and going.

I really don't know how I am going to get through these next few years. And I am dead serious.

Someone send me your creations please

Ok, I am asking for any of you who read my blog to send me some of your wonderful creations to get my creative juices flowing. I want to see how the seams look, I want to see how you put your fabrics together, I want to see where your creative juices lie! So, if you are interested in sending me something you have created, I will take wonderful care of it, and I will even send it back if you want it back. When you send it, please talk to me about your creation. What was your inspiration, where did the fabric come from, why did you pick that fabric. I am serious about this sewing thing and I think being able to handle the different things that are made will go a long way to helping me do this. Creations need to be fabric made and not breakable. If you want to send something for my daughter to model, she is a size 6 or so. I will send you measurements if you are interested in doing this.

I will happily showcase your creation on my blog and you will get lots of notority for it! I have a wonderful model who is very cute who will also help get your idea's out there.

Thanks for helping out someone new. I promise you won't be disappointed!
Wendy

Don't let me down now! And remember, if you want your creation back, please let me know, so I can send it back.

Sew Anxious

To get going on sewing! I have been obsessed with looking at web sites of people that are making One Of A Kind (OOAK) outfits an the things that I am finding are just gorgeous. I want to make them. I need to start learning how to sew. I think I have it figured out how to put a ruffle on the hem of pants and have a pair of plain jean overalls that I am going to buy some fabric for and make a ruffle on the hems (halloween style)and then take some of the fabric and cut out pieces to applique onto the overalls themselves. I then want to find a plain shirt (I was going to sew my own, but it might be too much to start) and maybe do an applique or 2 onto the shirt.

Anyway, I am "sew" into looking at fabric, coming up with ideas and just plain being creative. I still want to quilt and hope to continue doing that too. There is just one little thing standing in the way and that is money. I need to do something to bring in money. I thought about becoming a rep for a couple of different boutique children's companies, but I just don't think I can work that much. But I have learned so much about children's clothes and can't believe the wealth of it out there. From the wacky Oilily to the staid Jack and Jill, it's just amazing. Every site I go to, I just want to buy, buy, buy!

What do you all think? What do you think about selling children's clothes in general? I am no longer doing e-bay, although I might start up again when I begin to sell the outfits that I make and when I resell the mounds of clothes that I have collected for Katie. But it was just too disappointing and expensive.

Lots of other stuff going on in my life that I should get on here and talk about. We have services coming in to help with Gillian because she is getting out of control again. I went to a discharge planning meeting for my mother who is in short term pulmanary rehab. She will be going into assissted living which my sister and I are trying to sort out, all while trying to gtieve her impending death.

Lots on my plate. Lots of loss that I am really struggling to deal with.

Spitting Mad

Why do you ask? E-bay sends me this nice little e-mail stating that they aren't charging for listing fee's from X date to X date. This is after I give ALL of my e-bay stuff away to be consigned. Yep, I decided that I wasn't going to e-bay anymore since it was taking up so much of my time and energy, not to mention the fact that the buyer really has all of the protection and the seller has very little. And I get that there are bad sellers out there, in fact, I have found a few during my time of buying on e-bay. But, now if a buyer doesn't like the color, they can basically return their merchandise and the seller has to refund. It's getting ugly over there I tell ya.

Well, to make matters worse, I found a box of really nice stuff that I had tucked away to sell at a later date. Hmmm, I think to myself, I guess I get to take advantage of that great offer and if I don't buy any of the extra's, then I can list for free right? WRONG! The small print, and there is always small print isn't there, states that you don't have to pay a listing fee IF you PAY for a GALLERY PHOTO which let me remind you is 5 cents LESS than the LISTING FEE! ARGH! I dislike e-bay right now. So, off this box goes to my consignor. And it's nice stuff too. Too bad for e-bay right?

I am however going to learn to sew. I am very excited about this and will be previewing all of the outfits that I make right here for you all to ooh and ahh over. The first one will be a Halloween outfit for Katie to wear. I am going to look for fabric tomorrow. I have been greedily going over sites of other women who are making clothes that are just so cool and wonderfully fresh. I even (shh) had some shirts made to match some pants that I had no matches for. I also had some bows made for some of our new Boden shirts. Wish me luck on the sewing front, since all of the other things that I have tried to do have backfired and I am still not making any money.

I won't even get started on SSD......

Why can't it be next week already?

And why on earth do they have summer vacation? I HATE summer vacation. When I was a kid, I never had a personal taxi cab to take me around to various and sundry places. My mother would have laughed at me. Well, the fact that we didn't have a car that worked probably got in the way of that too.

I told Gillian that I wasn't taking her anywhere this week and that no one was coming over. She is just pissing me off. I know I shouldn't say that about my kid, but she is seriously pissing me off. She turns everything I say around so that she is the damn victim. I just left the karate dojo crying becayse Sensai had a call from a parent saying that Gillian has inappropriate stuff on her My Space page. She's making out with someone one there. I am SOOOOOO pissed. Now I know why all her friends are pissed at her. Kissing someone else's beloved. Great.

I really wish I knew how to be a good mother, but right now, I just wish that my kid would act like a human being. I am tired of being treated like crap.

My Gem

I just wanted to take a minute and publically thank my wife for being so wonderful. Yesterday she traded in her "baby" so that we could have a new and safe car to drive. I know that she was really sad that her car had to be the one to go, even though it was 10 years old. That's a long time to love a car!

She works so hard for this family and yet, is the one that goes the most without. She is a wonderful mother and the best partner a person could ask for. A better person, I couldn't ask for to follow this path in life. We have been through so much together, through our trials with infertility and subsequent pregnancy and birth of our second daughter, Katie. Now we enter the trials of parenting a teen (and if you have one you know how much fun that is)!

Cheryl, thank you for all that you do for us! I love you now and forever. You are the most special person a wife could ask for. Thank you for loving me.

Now, please go to my comments section and give Cheryl some loving. She could use it right now!

The newest addition to our family!

Introducing the newest addition to our family!



So, Cheryl and I were really "discussing" the fact that I wanted a manual transmission and she wanted a automatic transmission. This car has both! It is very cool, but you can either drive it in drive, or you can push the drive lever over all the way to the left and without needing a clutch, you can manually drive the car! It is way cool and in the winter here, a much needed addition. I loved driving it and she is coming home to us on Tuesday. She looks like the picture here, blue with silver and has lots of nice features! Like you can operate the radio and CD and Cruise from the steering wheel with your thumb! And lots of other really cool features. I can't wait to drive her. Haven't come up with a name yet though and sadly, Cheryl is going to be giving up her baby as a trade in.

But isn't she cute?

Happy Birthday Gillian!

Well, Blogger ate my last eloquent post about my beautiful now 15 year old daughter! So, without further ado, I want to say,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GILLIAN! I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH!

Mom

Too many pictures!

And no place to put them. I've tried scrapbooking to no avail. I have all the stuff to do it. But I just don't have the time! I have a ton of pictures just sitting on our memory card or in the computer, but no where to put them! The other day I saw this cool Digital Photo Frame and thought, AHA! That could be the solution to my problem. It's a really cool electronic frame that you download your pictures into and then they play one at a time. Or you can use the remote that comes with the digital frame and play the pictures as you want. I thought this was one of the coolest inventions, because I know that people want to see all of the pictures that we have taken, but haven't had a chance, because they are sitting in my memory card, rather than in this cool little photo frame. Where do they come up with these really cool idea's?

So, now I am off to check it out and perhaps purchase the digital frame so that everyone can share our pictures! Maybe even get 2 and fill the other one up for Grandma and give it to her at Christmas time for the perfect Christmas gift!

Loving to blog!

We're back from shopping and I couldn't wait to tell you all the fabulous time that we have! But first, like some of my other friends, I am jumping on the bandwagon to get paid to blog! Advertise on blogs, for those of you who are interested,is a place where they will actually pay you to blog for them. It helps them advertise with bloggers and I actually get paid to do it! I am so excited. It also gives me a chance to check out new products and tell you all about them. I tell ya, there is nothing like blog advertising! If you would have asked me if I would have ever done this, I would have said no, but Smorty has great stuff that they advertise and it's so much fun to do! So, you'll have to come back and check out the new stuff that I am finding all about. And of course, I will keep you all up to date about my family, shopping and all of life's other drama's!

So, for the shopping trip. The kids were horrid, I didn't get much stuff since the outlet prices were outrageous. I did get some stuff at Oilily and Hanna Andersson for the fall, but other than that, it was a no go!

Please come back and check out what I have in store for you all! It's going to be fun. Coming soon will be some cool pics of Katie in her new Mini Boden!

Shopping again

So, you might all be curious as to wear I am in my shopping expedition! I still love Hanna, but I have totally falled in love with Mini Boden! I bought the brown cords with the big pink polka dots to go with the peace and love shirt along with the brown shirt with the pink polka dot dog shirt! There are so many more that I want. And now that Boden has a great new referral program, I can refer people AND get some money to do it! I am loving that, especially since Katie decided that she wanted the Rainbow shirt and I have to figure out what to put with it!

We leave soon to travel down to the shopping mecca known as Woodbury Commons so that I can check out Oilily and hopefully find some good deals there. I am also interested in Off Saks Fifth Ave to see if they have any Lilly Pulitzer for ME! I am in need of a cute summer dress since I have lost all this weight....wait, what's that? I lost weight? You betcha! 20+ pounds and counting! Time to treat me to some new and funky clothes.

So, if you head over to Boden, you have to check out the boys, Holey Cow shirt. Cheryl says NO WAY! And I think it's WAY CUTE! You tell me what you think won't ya? If Cheryl wins then the shirt remains unbought, if I win, the it's going in the basket!

I really do love em.....

But my kids are driving me crazy today. Daughter number one thinks that I exsist to be her personal taxi driver and when I don't jump right up and drive her where she desperately needs to go, then I am a bad mother. ARGH! Today while I was driving her to karate, she had the audacity to sit in the car and tell me what a bad mother I was. She actually told me I had no pride! To which I said "You are absolutely right". "As your mother, I let you talk to me like a piece of crap on the street which shows you that I have no pride in myself". Things are going to be changing around here post haste. By letting her talk to me that way and not holding her accountable, she thinks that I have no pride in myself. So, look for some posts of me begging for support as I go through this tough time with daughter number one. She is going to be having a lot of consequences for her behavior, in fact this has already started. I would never let any adult talk to me this way, why on earth would I let a 15 year old?

And as far as daughter #2, whine, whine, whine! I can't stand the whine anymore. I told her the other day that my ears don't hear whine and that seems to help, but OMG do I just want to put ear plugs in or what? I took her to see the free movies today and we watched Nanny McPhee which I thought was really great. I think it was way over her head, but she insisted. It was either that or Curious George again and I didn't think I could take that again this week. I really wanted to see Flushed Away, but well, it's not about me is it? LOL!

And Cheryl continues to toil away at her job. I appreciate her working so that we can have all the things that most people take for granted. Our Hanna order arrived today and there was the cutest pink dot dress w/the opposite striped leggings and 4 out of 5 tights that we need for winter. Daughter number 2 should be all set.

One more shout out. I purchased my first Oilily from Little Luna Blue and was really disappointed. After talking with Anna, the owner, I am returning this one and she is sending me another one that she thinks I will like better. Wonderful customer service and cute, cute clothes. Visit her sometime would ya? And tell her I sent ya!

Lazy, Hazy Summer days

Sorry, so sorry to make some of you worry. It's that dang medication that I was taking! Topamax for those of you who don't ever want to sink into the doldrums of depression! Other than losing weight, it is a HORRID drug. They actually call it DOPAMAX for short. Makes you forget what you want to say, hard word recall, etc. Just awful. When I saw the pain managment nurse on Friday and told her how depressed I was, she told me to go off of it and that I was sensitive to it. You think? Geesh!

Anyway, things are well with the family. I am looking forward to a trip down to a great outlet mall. Woodbury Commons has such great stores and I can't wait to shop! I am especially excited to go and just check out Dolce and Gabbana, Coach, Neiman Marcus Last Call, Off 5th Saks Fifth Avenue, Burberry and Juicy Couture. But I can't wait to buy something at Oilily for Katie! I did buy her one shirt online and was so disappointed, but I know that they have such cute stuff at the store and I can hardly wait to get down there. We did some ordering from Hanna for Katie. Got her a new play all day dress for the winter, a dot one this time and tights to go with all her dresses. I must have picked up 7 or 8 dresses over the summer for her.

But what I am really excited about is that I am going to learn to sew! MIL is going to teach me when Katie starts back to school in the fall. I have joined a new group on e-bay where I am just amazed at the talent these women have! Someday it is my dream to be able to sew like them. I have already picked up one modeling job for Katie for someone who does custom work and hope to get some more for her. I really want to learn how to do some of those really fancy sets that they are selling! I love the ones with the appliques! If you ever get a chace to check it out, go to ebay and search for custome boutiqe clothes and just be amazed at the talent that is out there in this world.

I promise that I am back now. The depression is lifted. Now that I am off that dasterdly med, it is much better. Thanks for all of you checking in on me! Look for more posts and in the fall, start looking for some sewing!

Belle of the Ball

Here is the Belle of the Ball!



Katie was Belle in her very first recital. The whole recital was so cute and I just got the professional pictures back! Isn't my little ballerina cute? I think so too!

Long Week

What a week it's been! Let's start with Katie's ballet recital. It was over the top, ADORABLE! OMG! She had 2 small parts and then her class did a princess part in which she played Belle. It was cute too cute. During the Cinderella part, she was a mouse and a very cute one too. And then she lost it. Because she didn't get to throw some clothes out of the trunk. So, off stage she comes in tears and I have to get her calmed down so that she can go back on to dance her Princess Dance. She pulled it off and it was so cute that I just cried. There will be pictures when we get them. We had to order them along with a DVD of the show and I am itching to get them already! The poor little thing was so anxious that I found myself teaching her some anxiety relieving techniques the 2 nights before the show! Let's just say she's following in my footsteps which isn't necessarily a good thing. This past week was also the last week of school for both girls. Come Monday, keeping them busy should be a challenge. I do have Katie signed up for a small summer program and we do have a zoo pass, so it looks like we will be hitting the zoo, beach and parks a lot this summer. I think I will also have to think up some cool arts and crafts to do too. Everything around here costs money, which as most of you know is in short supply! We also go to the library a lot and summer story time should be starting up again soon. Katie loves her story time!

Gillian wants to be with her friends all the time which I think is normal. She also wants to be very independent and not tell me where she is which doesn't fly in this house. She will be very busy this summer. Unfortunately the courses she could take for electives for summer school were already taken during the school year so no summer school for her. We are talking about her getting a summer job, but at 14, other than babysitting, there isn't much of a market for her. She has to train for her black belt and really get her run time down. They have to run an 8 minute mile and so far the closest she has gotten is 16:20. And that was being pulled and pushed most of the way. So, I will be taking her different places to run this summer.

Cheryl has one week off this summer and we are undecided about what to do. Of course we were hoping that SSD would come through, but we are still waiting for our date with the judge so I am not holding my breath on that one. At any rate, the money won't be here this summer. And I have lots of little projects that need to be done. Our room needs painting. I can't do that, but I can pick out the paint. As we've had the money, we've been buying the bedding and curtains to go with it to decorate out room. We have everything now and just need to paint and do the floor. We would love to put down hardwoods like we did in the kitchen and family room and might even have enough left over to do it, but neither of us know how to and can't afford to have it done. We are going with white walls since the bedding is colonial blue on white. When it's all done it's going to look beautiful! I don't think we'll take a vacation, because we really need that van. Hopefully, we'll be able to get that this summer too.

Well, how's that for an update. I have been feeling much less depressed. I am thinking that the transition from summer to school is going to be shaky when Katie goes to pre-K 4 days a week for a half day but maybe then I will start e-baying again full force. Last time I really got burned not doing it the right way and learned a lot about when to list, what to list and how to list so this time it might just work. I have been taking my "allowance" and garage saling to beef up inventory this summer. Just today I found a 1970's Fisher Price ramp/garage in mint condition. And maybe I will start to get back into scrapbooking. I have all the stuff and will finally have some time to do it! Bye for now!

Summer Time

I don't know whether to like summer or loathe it. I like the school year because of the structure it provides. I like the summer because of the downtime that it gives us. But, and here is the big but, I have 2 children at 2 different end of the age spectrum with different needs...4 and almost 15. The 15 year old wants to go here, there and everywhere whilst the 4 year old is pretty content to just stay home and play in her pool and on her swingset. So, we will have to work something out. Today Grandma came and got Katie and played with her while I got some much needed and wanted time alone with Gillian. 15 is such a hard age and not an age that I would want to go back to in a million years. How does a parent let go of their child, while still managing to give them the boundaries they need to stay healthy and safe? I think it's the age old question! It's one that I think we will have to struggle through this summer. I have already let Gillian have some more independence than she did last summer and I have to sit with my own anxiety. It's not her anxiety. It's MINE! I have to own it. And she will have to step up to the plate and show us that she can be responsible.

Katie has her recital tomorrow night and is very excited (as are we)! She has been practicing for months for this and I can hardly wait to see it. We have practice tonight and then tomorrow is the real deal! She is napping now, because she was up late last night, and will be up late tonight and tomorrow. Poor thing!

Anyway, back to the summer. I do have Katie signed up for a summer program, but we aren't taking any vacations, which is something that I really look forward to to break up my summer. I guess I will just have to look for something else to help me get through. And as the summer goes through towards the end, start looking for posts regarding Katie getting on the Pre-K bus in Sept. Yes, that's right! She gets to take the bus to school! It's going to be a BIG step for all of us. And what will happen to Mommy? Well, that is the question of the year! I have to ponder that some more! What would you do?

Forging ahead

I am still forging ahead. Still here. I called the MD today and we are reducing the Topamax to 25mgs to see if the depression lessens. Today I felt it really, really badly. I have been having mood swings and just really, really anxious. I don't want my kids remembering me this way. The other day Katie said, "We sure do have a lot of rules around here" I want my kids to remember having fun with their mother, not having rules and me always being "on" them all the time. I want to relax and enjoy my kids and partner and LIFE. I am so tired of being afraid that something bad is going to happen that I am missing all the good things that ARE happening. I pray to God every day that He will help me slow down, but I do think that this is medicinal in nature. I haven't ever been the most of relaxed of people, but I have never been this depressed and anxious. I need to get off all of the medication. ALL OF IT. I have no delusions of granduer that withdrawl will be a picnic. I have been on them too long for it to be. But, I think with the right management and some hard work on my part, I can get through it. It will be a long and slow process. But, I need ME back. I need all of ME back. Not these mind altering drugs that make me someone who I am not. Any words of encouragement that you have to offer would be greatly appreciated. I am so scared, but hopeful at the same time. I just want ME back. That's all. I know I can do it. I just know I can!

Needing to find myself

I feel as though I am wandering around and around. It's this weird thing and I can't quite explain it. The whole retail and needing to buy stuff is wrapped up in it. I can't get enough of buying stuff and as I stated before it can't just be anything. It has to be name brand stuff. I need to get over it already. I stopped working. I think I might go crazy. It's the start of the summer. Who in their right mind stops working at the start of the summer? Gillian has already started in on me being her personal taxi service and I am not going to go there with her! UGH! I am tired of being tired, depressed and just plain sad. I need to get away. Maybe get up to camp and get away from this house and be where nature is. A change of scenery. No computer. No more e-bay! Now there is something to think about. Some books, some peace and quiet and some fun.

Katie starts pre-K next year and I have no idea what I am going to do when she gets on that bus. I know I said the same thing this year. I will find something! Gillian will be back in school. Maybe then I can get the house clean, one room at a time and a big load will be off my shoulder? See how scattered I am? This is what it's like living in my mind.

Now I need to rest!

Losing Cindy

I am so sad all the time. I feel like I lost my best friend. In a way I have. One of my best friends has had a stroke. My friend Cindy had a heart Valve replaced a couple of weeks ago and then had a stroke. She can't remember most things and can't talk. It's one of the most horrible things I have ever had to witness. Yesterday I came home from dropping Katie off from school and was scrolling through the old messages and there was one from her. I just dropped and cried. I miss her old self already. I took Katie over to her grandmothers and went up to the hospital later on and said, "You're pissed aren't you?" She said "yup". I told her that I was in it for the long haul and that I wasn't leaving until she got up out of that bed on her own and told her "Don't make me kick your butt out of that bed!" Now in the past she would have said, "You and what army?" I am waiting for that day. When she asks me that question, then I will know that I have my old friend back. I miss her so much already. She smiled when I said that and I leaned in real close and told her that I knew that she wanted to say that. She will say that. I know she will.

Call your friends. Put down the mouse and pick up the phone and call them. You never, ever know if it's the last time you will be able to talk to them. Take it from me. And if you pray, please pray that Cindy gets all of her functions back. It's going to be a long, hard road. And these roads usually show you who your friends are. I hope you never, ever have to test your friendship this way.

What are you doing? I told you....go get that phone and call your friend....NOW.

For The Beauty Of The Earth

And The Glory Of The GLory Of The Skies

Whenever our Iris's come out, they remind me of this hymn....aren't they just gorgeous. And when I am down, and when I think that there isn't anything in life to be grateful for, all I have to do is look outside my window and look at the blessing that God has bestowed upon our world....






I took these picutes today because the Iris's were just so beautiful and I just wanted to share them all with you! Enjoy!

Baptism

Gillian was baptised and confirmed today. (Pictures to follow). It was one of the best days of my life. Gillian chose to be baptised by immersion and what a thrill it was to see. First of all, I was so happy that our interm pastor and good friend Rev. Dr. Kathleen Waters baptised Gillian. She baptised both of our girls! It was so thrilling to see Gillian enter the water and be submerged! Then be blessed by Kathleen! After a quick change, she joined her friends and was confirmed and now belongs to our church. The whole service was moving and emotional. Cheryl and I stood up as her parents and were presented with her candle, baptismal certificate and her engraved shell along with the parents of the 2 other teens who were baptised. Accepted just as we always are. It really was a day. An emotional, wonderful and beautiful day. Look for pictures tomorrow after I DL them!

OK, I admit it.....

I am completely and totally addicted to Hanna Andersson clothes for Katie. Well, if they would fit me I would buy them for me too. If you have never receieved their catalog, then go here Hanna Andersson and you will fall in love with the clothes too. I especially love the play all day dresses and have grown a respectable collection through selling old clothes on e-bay and buying used ones! And then I found a friend who goes to the outlet store in Kittery ME. She brought me back $300 worth of clothes for a fraction of that! And they were cute, cute, cute things. There was even a play all day dress in there. Last time she came back with 2 pairs of pants. 1 leggings that I am still trying to find a match for and a pair of capri's that I have matched with not only a souvenir dress, but a play all day dress (that I scored for $2.25 on e-bay). Now, I am starting to branch out into the other cute clothes area's. I won my first Oilily today for a steal (note to self, shop on Saturday PM when no one else in on the computer) and am waiting to see if I won a Zoodles outfit. And I am able to do all this on my earnings from selling on e-bay and finding really good deals. I also find that setting a price and walking away from the computer and not engaging in bidding wars is best practice too.

I do think this "retail therapy" is because of 2 things. 1 is that I never had nice stuff growing up. I had one pair of pants that I bought myself and then my sister and I wore my mother's shirts. It wasn't until I was in college and able to make money that I bought myself stuff. But do I buy myself nice stuff now? Nope. Just the kids. And mainly just Katie cause Gillian wants to shop herself. She is 14 afterall. Anyway, the 2nd reason that I think I like to shop (and get really good deals) is because it helps me justify spending. Like the other day. I bought my mother a really nice sweater for Mother's Day. Got home and realized someone had put a size 14 kids sweater in the women's section. After a little research on e-bay, I realized that I might be able to make some money off this sweater. And I did. To the tune of $16! I am going to garge sales and thrift shops looking for deals to sell. Take the right picture, price it right and voila! A sale.

So, Hanna, I hope you enjoy this as much as I do. And Katie...you look as cute as a bug in a rug! I will post pictures as I take them to share with you. And entice you into going and buying some of these cute clothes yourselves. And if you have a problem with sizing...just ask me! LOL! Oh, and if you have some outgrown clothes, well you know who to call....JK!

Look out tomorrow for a post and hopefully some pictures from Gillian's baptism and confirmation. She is being baptised by immersion and then confirmed. I am very excited! It's a big day in my family.

Another day

So, last night I was lying there awake thinking, "You know, it's about time I write a post about the good things that are happening in my life" Then this morning came and it was the same damn thing. Why can't I stop being depressed? I have 2 wonderful children and a partner that would walk on water for me. But I can't escape it. I have great friends who have gone above and beyond, yet, I can't escape it. Yes, I know. I need to go to counseling. I am a counselor, so I know that. We don't have the money.

I HATE LIVING WITH NO MONEY AND I HATE THAT I CAN'T WORK TO ADD MONEY TO THE HOUSEHOLD AND I HATE THAT MONEY HAS SUCH A HOLD OVER ME.

Whew, that felt good. I don't know how to live without my own money. I have always taken care of myself and for a while Gillian too, since I was 16. Now I can't. I am trying to sell on e-bay, but it is so hard. If you sell, then you know how hard it is.

But mostly, I am mourining the loss of my ability to take care of myself financially. I am pissed off at the social security system who continues to make me PROVE that I am disabled. How much more proof do they need? I just wish that I could read their minds so that I could give them what they need. And all this waiting....we need the money NOW! We have been waiting for 5 years and I am TIRED.

Lest you think that Cheryl lives high on the hog while the rest of us suffer...no way. She is the one who always goes without. Right now we are saving for a van. What will she get? My old car. Nothing new for her. I hate that she is always last. I hate that I am always last. I hate that someone has to be last.

And vacations? When is the last time you took one? Well, unless we go to my Grandparents camp, we don't get one. Oh yeah, we went to Cancun 2 years ago, but MIL paid for that...and I paid for it physically.

I am really sorry guys. You have all been there for me. But I need somewhere to get this all out. I hate not having my own money to spend. Cheryl will give me whatever I need, even if we don't have it. That's not the issue. The issue is that when I worked I had money that I could spend and not be accountable for how I spent it. I have lost that!

OK. I am going now. Enough feeling sorry for myself. I am going to try and start really looking at the positive. I have to if I am going to make it through life in a decent way. I know there are other's who have it much worse than me. I know that. I really do know that.

Thank you all for being here for me. I have the best friends anyone can ask for. I have the best partner a woman can ask for and my kids...well that goes without saying. They along with my partner are my my reason for life.

Bad, bad blogger

I know. I have been bad. I have to come right out and admit that I have been seriously depressed. So depressed that it has affected my family and friends. I don't know when it started, but I imagine it was the surgery that threw me overboard. I didn't have a good outcome. I saw my surgeon last week and he is saying that he suspects that one of the screws or rods is pressing on a nerve and that is what is making my leg hurt so badly. I can barely drive, still have to walk with a cane and can't afford physical therapy. I also can no longer work. I am so, so depressed over the thought of giving up my career. I have been a social worker all my life and to hear the MD say that I will have to give that up has been the most depressing thing of all. I just can't sit for an hour at a time any more.

I have to believe that something good is coming my way. I have good friends who have helped us out and all of my blogging buddies have always been there for me/us. Financially we are getting by. But it's just one more frustration. One that seems to have Cheryl and I arguing more and more. I hate money. I hate not having enough and I hate that it controls my life so much.

I am putting my trust in God. He will provide. He always has.

Katie has a new tooth!

About 2 years ago Katie fell and chipped her tooth. Well, a few weeks ago, I noticed that the 2 teeth next to it were turning brown so I took her to the dentist where it was determined that she needed a pulpotomy and that the teeth next to the chipped one were just stained (WHEW!). SO, off we went to the dentist today and after determining that she didn't really need the pulpotomy, they put on a crown (I think that's what it's called) and she has a whole tooth again! Here she is with her cute 'ol self!

Clothing help please - Hanna Andersson

OK - I am asking for some help here! I have scoured everywhere on the internet to try and find the match to these leggings. They are Pink W/Red Stripes. They are from the 2004 Hanna Andersson Fall/Winter line and are called shell pink. They go with either a Red Dot Dress or a Red Dress W/Pink Stripes. If you go to
Hanna Fanna's and look under the 2004 lines and go to play all day dresses winter holiday line, you will see the dress's that I am looking for. The pants are a size 120 so I could go with either a 120, or a 110 or even a 130 if need be.

So, if you know anyone who knows Hanna's and might be able to help me, please feel free to forward this on to them. I am hoping that when the winter catalog comes out they will have something to match, if not, then I will keep scouring e-bay the way that I have. Thanks guys! You all rock!

Trying to stay positive

So, there isn't much going on at the present time. Now that we've decided not to move, all the hubbubb has died down and we are going on as usual. You know, growing up, I always lived in crisis. Something was always going on in our family and it usually wasn't good. Old habits die hard I suppose. I seem to thrive on crisis. It's one thing that I have to work really hard on. Not creating crisis. Cheryl grew up relatively sane, so I have a good role model in her. She keeps me steady and on our feet.

This past weekend we installed a new minister into our church. It is a bittersweet issue for me, because my good friend Kathleen is the interm minister at the church now and I cannot tell you how much I will miss her. I know that we will remain friends but it just won't be the same. It was really difficult for me to see the new minister without the cloud of Kathleen hovering. There are so many issues for me and my family and acceptance is one of them. I know that Kathleen accepted our family and since the search committee sent out a copy of my article (you can look through the archives her for it since I am too lazy to post it) to prospective candidates and it's assumed that she is OK with GBLT families in the church. Anyway, I worry, because for me, this church has helped me personally grow spiritually and has shown me that mainstream religion can accept GBLT folks.

Anyway, no crisis today. Good thing eh?

We're staying

I lost my 2nd application for SSD. Came in the mail today. Of course my lawyer didn't care, because it's the first application we care about (the one we are waiting to go back before the judge on) and of course we will appeal this one. They had no records from the ortho MD who put all the hardware in my back.

I am tired. I am done. I don't think many people read this, and if they do, they are damn tired of my whining. Can't even get a home equity loan because of me not working and my high student loans. I told Cheryl to take me off the damn deed because all I seem to do is drag everyone down because I can't work. But I'm not disabled either right....

Fuck it I say, Just fuck it.

To move or not to move...that is the question

Well, Cheryl has been offered a position in a lab in Bellingham WA. We happen to live clear across the country in Upstate NY. I think we are going to go. They are offering her a good pay rate, and the area is beautiful. The clincher is that her current job is only guarantee'd until July.

So, do we take the offer and move across the country for something sure and leave everything behind, or do we stay here and take the chance that she doesn't lose her job and stay here?

If we stay here and she loses her job, then we could lose our house and all that we have built here. She would have to take the first job she can get, and it won't be in NY. So, we could end up anywhere, with any salary. We wouldn't have a choice where we go, whereas in the WA situation, we do.

Cheryl's mother is on board and will come with us. Gillian, while not happy, is on board. But, I would be leaving my whole family behind. Our church, which we hold dear. And my friends. The school, which we know and have worked with for years.

This is the hardest decision ever. When I posted to my Moms's board they were all telling me to GO! Bellingham is beautiful and from what I can tell from the relocation information and what I have found online, it is. There is little snow, but there is also little sun. Moderate temps vs the really cold here. We would be on the ocean and have the mountains behind us. We'd be very close to Vancouver, BC and Seattle, WA.

What's a girl to do. It's a lifetime changing decision.

Cheryl is going to talk to the person recruting her and ask more questions. We are most likely going to take a trip out there to see the area. But, if any of you that read me either live near that area and can offer advice, or if you have been in this situation, please, all advice is greatly appreciated.

Consignment shops?

I had the worse experience yesterday with a local consignment shop (if you live local and want to know which one, e-mail me and I will tell you). I took Katie's Britax Marathon in and the owner told me that she could only get $30 for it! What??? Which meant that I would only get $15. She was so rude, telling me how they just don't sell, people want the cheaper ones, etc. This was after I had called her and she told me that she can't keep them in her store, they sell so fast. So, while I was waiting for Gillian to load it back into the trunk, I looked in her car seat room where she had 2 Marathons, both in the same condition as mine priced at $85. So much for her selling them fast huh? I asked her for the history on them....none. No way to know if they had been in a crash or not.

So, I am glad that I didn't consign and will sell the seat myself. There has to be someone out there that wants a Marathon with a brand new cover?

I just can't get over how rude this woman was!

Happy Birthday Grandpa!

Remember the Grandpa of mine who was really sick and almost died? Well, he turns 83 today! I vividly remember posting from the ICU waiting room at 4AM waiting to hear whether he would live or not and here he is celebrating his birthday! And the best part is that he is going to be eating is OWN cake. Yes, you heard it right! The man that wasn't ever going to be able to eat or drink on his own again is eating and drinking with no problem!

Happy Birthday Grandpa! I am so lucky to have you around for more time!

Life

Is slowly getting better! I still have a lot of pain, especially if I do too much, but it's almost as though I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. When I go back to the pain clinic, I will talk with them about weaning off the pain meds. I have already started backing off the percocet with good results. The one area of pain that I have the worst is the right leg. I suspect there is a nerve being pressed on, because it (the leg) will twitch for no reason and driving makes it go crazy with pain. I have only been driving when absolutely necessary. I can hardly wait for next week when the kids have school break. I already told Gillian that I won't be her personal chauffer for the week, but the first day she will be on me about how bored she is!

I took Katie to the Dentist yesterday and had them check her chipped tooth. The teeth around it looked like they were turning grey (they were just stained), but the x-ray showed some inflamation and they want to do a pulpotomy on the tooth, and then fix the tooth. I made the appt and we will probably do it, but our other option is to wait and see if it abcesses (it's been chipped for 2 years). If that happens then we have to pull the tooth and put in a spacer. The dentist told me that they have great results if we do it before infection. I asked the nurse about pain and she said there would be none. They use nitrous oxcide and then numb. Katie has read the Little Critter books and loves the one about the dentist and when we were driving home she started to cry that she didn't want the medicine to make her mouth numb because then her tongue was going to hang out all day like Little Critter. After I assured her it wouldn't she was fine. Later on I heard her tell Cheryl, "Mommy asked the nurse if I would have any pain and she said no so it's OK. I know Mommy would never tell me a lie." So, if she has any pain I will be seriously pissed at that nurse. Just poking around, but has anyone had any dental issues with their little ones? Any info to pass on my way?

Gillian has been really active in the GBLT and their Allies program at school. She is going to do the Day Of Silence and also going on a field trip to a rally for GBLT rights up at the local university! She is making high honor role (which makes me so relieved we changed her programming). She is gearing up to test for her black belt in June! The next weekend out Prima Donna will be performing in her very first recital, which just happens to be a princess one and she will be Belle! I can't wait. She practices all the time for us and it's priceless!

Ending this week is for me one of the most powerful church experiences. I will be attending the Maundy Thursday services as well as the Good Friday one wrapping it all up in Easter morning. I have been so focused on the religious aspect of church, I forgot all about the Easter Bunny! Thankfully the wife was/is on top of this! My sister is having her annual egg hunt and we are all excited about that.

Well, I guess that catches you all up for now!

Post Op Appt

I had my post op appt today and the MD thinks that the healing is going well. He is telling me to take it easy and I told him I can definately tell when too much is too much. Someday's a visit from a friend is too much and other day's I can do more. I just never know. I am still having a lot of pain which we pretty much figured out that is coming from back spasms. I am trying to sleep a lot which isn't always easy. My MIL is leaving for DC tomorrow and I got scared today wondering what I was going to do without her becacause she is totally my main support, driving me places and taking Katie so I can rest. I told you all before that I don't know what I would do without her and I mean that! Cheryl told me that if I need her to she will take the days off, but I really need to do this. Katie has school this Friday and someone from Church has offered to drive us back and forth and we are still getting meals until Sunday. What a blessing that is.

I just have to get better on not answering the phone and telling people that I am just not up for visits. It's not easty when I get lonly, but I need to rest. Bottom line.

I thought for sure the MD would send me for PT today, but he just looked at me and said that we would talk about PT in another 2 months. That really put into perspective for me just how much healing my body still needs to do and how easy I need to take it. I got to see the screws and rods, cages and mesh that was put in. WOW is all I can say. No wonder I feel so tired all the time. My poor body had a lot of work done to it. A LOT! So, off to rest I am. Thank you all for the wonderful messages of support and love. They are all so appreciated!

This feels bigger than I can take

I haven't wanted to say anything about this, because ignorance is bliss right? But since my surgery, the pain in my right leg has been so bad (mostly in the thigh, sometimes radiating down my leg or up into my hip) that I just want to cry. I have myself convinced that I have just caused myself another problem. If the back problem is somewhat relieved, I now caused another issue with this pain in my leg.

I swear to you people, I am back to my bad spot. Convinced I have a blood clot in my leg although everything I read tells me that isn't it.

I want to give up.

Thank you to all

Well, blogger ate my first post....I want to shout out and Thank Monkey for her most needed phone call today. I was/am feeling down in the dumps and her phone call was just the pick me up I needed. Just knowing that someone clear across the country was thinking of me and took time out of her very busy life for me made my day. Thank you so much Monkey!

And to thank all the people who have sent flowers (Gwendolyn, Mom and lots of friends from church), cards (way too numerous to count) and all of the delicious dinners that we get every other night from church. Thank you so much Barb for arranging dinners for us through APRIL and too all who have made these sustaining dinners. I don't think there are words for me to express my thanks. Yesterday my friend Tracey came and picked up Katie and took her to story time and then back to her house for a play date so I could rest.

And the biggest thank you of all goes to my MIL and Cheryl. She has taken Katie everyday for part of the day so that I can get some rest. I truly don't know what I would do without her. Katie loves her Grandma so much that today she asked if she could move in with us so she could see her everyday!

Cheryl has so much responsibility which she just takes with a grain of salt. I am so lucky to have such a wonderful partner who is always there for me, kids who are patient (well some of the time)and family and friends who really care.

So, if you want to call me, e-mail me for my phone number! I am always home! LOL!

Still alive

And very much in pain although I will say it's less. But the exhaustion. OMG I never thought a person could feel so tired. I promise you all that I will write a nice long update about the operation and the healing process when I can sit for more than 3 minutes. Which is just about how long it took me to write this so see you all later.

Hey All!

Quick post to let you all know that I weathered the surgery and so far haven't had any major problems post op. I am so very sore and is my tendency, I want to rush things and stopped taking one of the meds they prescribed (valium for back spasms) and found it just wasn't time. I have an awesome case mamager through the insurance (who just happpens to be our friend) and she has really gone the extra mile with helping me get things set up to make me more moblie. I want to sleep a lot and if you know me, know how quilty that makes me feel! Last night was the first night I got some real restorative sleep (as did Cheryl)! When I can stand and sit more I will tell you all about the experience, escpcially the first night when all my IV's blew and I got no pain relif for 2.5 hours! And I want to tell you all about my great friend Sue who came up and stayed part of the night with me that first awful night!But for now back to bed!

Something beautiful

Last night I went to church for our Lenten Supper and film series. When I got there, the woman who is in charge of getting our meals to us during my recovery was there and took my MIL aside. The next thing I knew, they asked me to come into the lounge and I was presented with a beautiful hand knitted scarf made for me. It is a prayer shawl and the 20 or so women there draped it around me and then all laid hands on me and prayed for me, the MD doing the surgery and for the surgery in general. I have never been so touched as I was last night. I plan to wear the shawl into the "holding area" where I have to wait for the surgery to start and then wrap myself in it while I am recovering. I feel so blessed.

After we had out meal, we went and watched part of the video series we have been watching called Living The Question. Last night's session was on diversity in the church and they actually had a clip of Phelp's doing his thing. We had a lot of interesting conversation come out of that session and again, I feel so lifted up by my church and their inclusiveness. I know there are some people who are not accepting of me and my family, but they are a small minority and to be honest, I don't know who they are. When I wrote my article for the paper, it was received wonderfully and they actually send it out to prospective ministers (we are in the process of looking for a new minister). It feels good knowing that they are looking for a minister who is inclusive.

When I got home last night, there was a B&N bag on the bed and in it were 2 CD's that Cheryl had picked up for me. One is a beautiful prayer CD by Windham Hill and it's just gorgeous. I haven't listened to the other one yet, but it looks promising. I am going to head back there today to look for something meditational and then I will be all set.

I am going into this surgery knowing that there will be pain, but wanting to practive prayer and meditation to get me through the roughest parts. I want off the drugs and am hopeful that it will happen sooner than later. I know that I can't just stop taking them, that I have to taper, and that is what I plan to do with the help of the pain clinic!

Again, I want to thank you all for your wonderful support. I feel so blessed to be so cared for online and off.

2 more days

Until the big surgery! I am torn between being nervous and scared and all things in between. I am trying to keep busy, wrapping up all the little odds and ends that need wrapping up. Of course if I were a good mother I would have done this already right? LOL!

I still need to get the B&N and try and find a meditational kind of tape that I can listen to while I am in the hospital. I hate all the beeping and noises, they just scare me to be honest. I also am not dumb to know that I am going to be in a lot of pain and if I can just meditate and pray that it might just not be as bad as it could be. I won't be able to concentrate on reading and TV is just noise to me.

I have asked Cheryl to update you all here while I am in the hospital. She is going to be really busy keeping up with the kids and me, so I am going to assume she will just drop a line here letting you all know how the surgery went and ETA home. I honestly don't know when I will be back online and plan to go no mail on a lot of my groups.

You can drop me a line in the hospital. If you go to Crouse Hospital There is a place for you to leave me a note (it's almost all the way down the right side of the page) and they will deliver it. My last name is Knafelc.If you don't know my first name by now, well then.... They also have a function for me to set up a page (which I did) but since I can't update it myself, it seemed senseless to send it out. So, you'll have to get your info from Cheryl.

Thanks for all the support you all have given me! Through email, phone calls and just offerring to sit with me at night (thanks Sue) it all means so very much to me. It's nice to know that so many people are pulling for me.

Prayers Please

My surgery is coming up on Friday. Katie came down with a cold yesterday. I took her to the MD today to make sure sure she doesn't have strep or the flu (she doesn't) but if I get her cold, I have to cancel my surgery. I think I might have had the cold last week and gave it to her, but if I did, it was mild. I can't leave her now and stay somewhere else, because A) I've already been exposed and B) I am already so panicked and sad about leaving her while I am in the hospital that I want to cry.

I have so many mixed feelings about this surgery. I want my life back and to get that I need to have the surgery. I want off the narcotics, but I am so scared of the pain that I am going to feel post-OP. I have heard many different stories ranging from being up and about the next day and driving within 2 weeks to others saying that they couldn't even ride in a car for a month.

Anyway, any and all prayers are appreciated. I know that God will do what He will do, but I just want to be done with this already.

Happy Birthday Katie!

Can someone tell me where the last 4 years have gone? I mean, wasn't it just yesterday that I was holding a brand new baby in my arms? I have been spending the morning reliving the day of my baby's birth and just looking on in awe in all the things that she is able to do...count to 30, knows all her ABC's and is beginning to read already! She can skip and dance and knows more about ballet than I do! She started taking ballet a month or so ago and is already on her way to being so graceful and wonderful. Her vocabulary is just out of this world and she carries on the best conversations. I just love this kid with all my heart.

Many of you have seen this montage, but I love it so much that I am going to put it here again!

Photo and video editing at onetruemedia.com

The Great Wolf Lodge

OK - Since people have been e-mailing me and calling me I thought I would tell you all that I am fine, just busy trying to get ready for my surgery. Here are some pics from our trip this weekend. One of these days I am going to learn to put the pictures in the right order!


Here are the majestic Niagara Falls. This picture was taken from a big enclosed ferris wheel. It was almost like a gondola ride. Isn't it beautiful?
Here are the girls posing out the window of their cabin. A picture of the whole cabin (and yes, it was inside our room) is on the bottom. Gillian, then Katie and then Gillian's friend! They had a great time!

Katie splashing in the water. They had a 6 story tree house with lots of ways to get wet!

Here is Katie coming down the "baby" slide as she called it! After she got a taste of the bigger slides, this one was too tame for her!

I would have to say this is my favorite picture of Katie! What a ham!

Katie inside the cabin in their room. It really was cool. She was sitting on the bottom bunk! (And yes Kristen, that's the blanket you made her...we never leave home without it!

When you first walk in the lobby they have a talking tree, Mama bear and Mo, the Moose. Katie wasn't too fond of any of them at first. But she really liked the story time they had at night as long as she didn't get too close to them!

Here is the outside of the cabin! You can see the ladder up to the upper bunk. They had a single bed on the other wall. They also had their own TV. Cheryl and I had our own queen bed and TV over the fireplace. It was nice!

The reason you don't see many pics of Gillian is that she was off with her friend all weekend and I never had the camera when she was around! I will scan some pics in that her friend took though! They all had a super time!

Another snow day

I don't even know how much snow we have gotten since this all started. I do know that I started to take pictures of the snow on the deck, kind of as a measuring point and when I started you could still open the gate and now the snow is about about 5" from the top of the deck. No school again today and the kids have all of next week off. I am wanting to go and jump in a snow bank myself! Still depressed, but feeling a little better today for some reason. I have a book on hold at the library and some overdue ones, but I can't get out to pick it up and drop the other ones off. Katie has swim lessons today at 4 and I am hopeful that we might make it! Just so that I can see another adult.

The pain clinic up the mg's of my oxycontin and I am hopeful that it will help. I didn't take my percocet last night or this morning and while there is some pain, it doesn't seem so intense. I am waiting to see if I need to take some after I get some housework done. The little bit I can do.

So, when I upload the pics to my computer, I will come back here and show you all the snow progression in Upstate NY!

Depression

Why am I so depressed? I am not lying when I tell you that I am very depressed and I think it has to do with the fact that all it ever does around here is blow cold wind and SNOW. Now I know that we got off lucky until today, but I am seriously wanting to move to somewhere WARM. I can barely tolerate the cold so I am literally a prisoner in my own home. Yet, we can't afford to move anywhere. I guess I feel like I am stuck. Just stuck here. In the ice and snow. Even as a small child my mother would wrap me all up and shove me out the door. I am not kidding when I tell you that there is ONE picture of me ouside as a child. I would go into the smallest place I could get and hide when she mentioned OUTSIDE any time it was colder than 70 degree's. Last year when we were in Cancun, I was in heaven.

So if that doesn't get any worse, the temp is -10. That isn't anything because the winds are supposed to start gusting right about the time they make the decision to close school. So, another day with the kids. I already know it.

Last thing that I am going to complain about. I went out to get the mail and the plow flew around the corner and I had to jump into a snow bank to avoid getting killed. See we don't have those little tiny plows that most states have, we have big HONKING plows that take out everything in their paths. Mostly mailboxes. Most pepole get a new one every year. They should just add it to our taxes and put up new ones every year!

Clearly I am a bear. I need to hibernate. Someone tell my kids that huh?

The Beginning

Here is Katie again in front of our house. You can barely see the fence in front of the house and you can see that the snow is almost up to the bottom of the windows in front.

Gillian and Kate building a snow fort. Too bad you can't see Katie's face since Gillian smooshed her hat down over her eyes! Yes, that is the roof of my car behind Gillian!

Katie in front of a snow bank! It's taller than her! You can see the houses in our neighborhood behind her and believe it or not there is a road seperating where Katie is and the houses on the other side!

Here are some pictures from the beginning of the storm! Yes, this is the beginning. We will get about 3 feet when all is said and done and this is about a foot and a half. Maybe a little more. I am sure school will be closed tomorrow not becuse of the snow, but because we are supposed to get 50-60 mile an hour winds starting after midnight with temps in the -25 to -30. They are also predicting more lake effect snow after midnight.

And poor Katie. Next week is winter break so she won't get her Valentine's Party for 2 more weeks. Poor kid!

I would cry, but all you can really do in this situation is laugh. I have some before and after pics from our deck that I will try and post in a bit!

NOR-EASTER A COMIN'

I am writing in purple because I am depressed. We are supposed to get between 2-4 FEET of snow over the next 2-3 days. They say that when we wake up tomorrow morning 12-20" will have already fallen and then it will snow all day, into the night and through to Thursday morning. You know what that means don't you? No school to start with. Gillian will be thrilled. Katie will cry. Tomorrow is Valentine's Day and she has spent the last 3 nights signing her valentines and taping M&M's on them. So, I am betting her party will have to wait till Monday. She'll cry. I will cry because I will be TRAPPED in the house. TRAPPED. Wednesday is the day that I work and although the agency will be open, clients won't come in, because they are the ONLY people in Syracuse who actually heed the DO NOT DRIVE BECAUSE IT'S TOO DANGEROUS warnings.

See, that is something I don't get. The county posts all these warnings about "No unnessesary driving" but your employer still wants you to come to work. Even though you know your clients won't be there. The Centro bus will be on a snow route (which basically means it doesn't run much) and most of our clients use the bus for transportation. Fortunately for me, I just don't get paid when my clients don't come in so I will be on the phone in the morning collecting all the so and so isn't coming today calls and then weeping more because not only will I be stuck in the house with 2 kids with NO MEANS OF ESCAPE, but I won't be making any money either.
::::SIGH:::::

One thing I am getting a big kick out of is the weather man on 9WSYR (google it and watch the storm team podcast if you think I am kidding) is practically jumping up and down with excitement. Nothing like a good snow storm to get the metorologist jumping around here.

Don't know if I will post tomorrow or just stay in bed with a pillow over my head! Oh right, I can't do that because schools will be closed......ARGH!

So proud of my girl!

Here is the story they ran on Gillian. She is signing tomorrow's performance of Grease! at her high school!

http://www.syracuse.com/poststandard/stories/index.ssf?/base/news-9/1171015470163230.xml&coll=1&thispage=1

Enjoy! I haven't seen the picture that they took of her, but when I get the paper later, I will scan it in (with the story) and then you can all enjoy both together!

Author Challenge

I saw this on another blog and thought it was cool. So I am stealing it.
Authors I have read in 2007

A
B
C
D) Good Harbor - Anita Diamant , More Twisted- Jeffrey Deaver
E ) Motor Mouth - Janet Evanovich
F ) Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close - Jonathan Safran Foer
G
H) Nature Girl - Carl Hiaasen
I) The Faith Club - Ranya Idliby, Suzanne Oliver and Pricilla Warner
J ) Stalemate - Iris Johansen
K) Capital Crimes - Jonathan and Faye Kellerman
L
M) Wicked - Gregory Maguire, Half In Love - Maile Meloy, Brainless: The Lies And Lunacy Of Ann Coulter - Joe Maguire
N
O
P) High Profile - Robert B. Parker
Q
R) Born in Death - J.D. Robb (Nora Roberts) Innocent In Death - J.D. Robb
S
T) Bad Twin - Gary Troup
U
V
W
X
Y
Z

I thought that I would do this on my reading blog, but I have kind of given up on that one. No one reads it and I got tired of doing all that work for just myself. So, this will just be one post that I will come back and edit as I read books.

Nothing much

Going on over here! The snow we were supposed to get came but not all of it. I am so glad for that. Poor Katie has a cold/ear infection in both ears and bronchitis all in one. She is so lethargic today that I took her into the MD. I was glad I did. She even asked while we were there if she could go home and lay down and rest! The MD said "Yep, she's sick". Now she has to miss ballet tonight and she's sad about that, but not too sad because she's too sick to be sad. Her teacher was sick the week before last so that's 2 lessons this month that she's missed. We are still waiting on her make up session! Speaking of ballet, Katie loves it so much. Her little friend Caitlyn from school joined her class and she is so excited. They are doing a princess recital in June and Katie is going to be Belle. We had to put out $50 for the costume, but thankfully they just increased tuition for a couple of months so include that. Between what we pay for Gillian for karate and Katie for ballet...well, let's just say it adds up.

And speaking of karate, Gillian got her high red belt last week. (I think I already mentioned that) and is now starting rotation for her black belt. She should get that in June. It's a gruling cycle and I am sure that she will be tired, but it's so good for her. Since we got her enrolled in karate, she has turned things around (mostly) with her attitude and it feels good. Cheryl took her to the black belt spectacular last Saturday and they had a great time. It's where the school's perform and the new black belts get awarded their belts. I can't believe in June our family will be sitting up front while they call MY daughter's name. I am so proud of her accomplishments. She never lets her ulcerative colitis get in the way and never uses it as an excuse. She is one determined young lady. But then I knew that when after 27 hours of hard labor and 2 hours of pushing and she refused to come out! LOL.

So, there you have it! Not much happening here. Just hanging on with my little one. Although I hate when they are sick I don't miss the cuddling while she doesn't feel good. I miss those days when she wanted to cuddle. Tommorrow is my appt. with the Neurology clinic and I won't have a chance to update until Thursday! Hang in there and talk with you soon!

I hate winter

Winter makes me want to just hibernate. Of course it doesn't help that Katie has had us up for 2 nights because she has been sick. Just a cold, but of course I am so obsessive that I think it's something 10 times worse. And Gillian's colitis has been worse so I am obsessed with her being sick again and ending up in the hospital. My anxiety always gets the best of me when I am tired. And guess who won't take a nap even though they don't feel well? UGH and double UGH. I don't know about the rest of you, but today has me having the creepy crawlies. Like I just want to get out of my skin. I am having second thoughts about the surgery and I know I have to do it. A good friend of mine wrote me a powerful e-mail over the weekend. About how going off the pain meds is going to be really hard. I knew that, but reading brought it home. How much I rely on them and really have since Katie was born. It's going to be really, really hard to give up that dependence I have on them. And not just physically either.

I said before that I was at peace with my decision. Maybe I am changing my mind now. Maybe this isn't the right thing to do? Damn, I hate this. I can't even make a damn decision now. It's going to hurt ya know? Badly. But I need to be out of pain because I really feel that pain is defining how and who I am.

On another note, we are meeting with the neurologist this Wednesday. I can hardly wait.

They made me do it

Blogger made me switch to the Beta version. If I lost anyone I apologize profusely and maybe someday we'll meet again. More to come later

Tag - I'm it

I was tagged by Louisiana Swamp Rat to tell you all 5 deep dark secrets about me (or 5 things you might have not known about me already)

So, here it goes -

1) I hate socks. I can only wear them with shoes and when I get home those are the first things that come off! I can barely even stand to put them on Katie. And I only wear one kind of sock. The gray, GAP mens sock that comes up over the ankle. I know, weird. The issue comes from a bad thing that happened to me, but that I am not ready to tell.

2) I hate my food to touch on my plate. If it does, I just scrape it to it's own spot, but I used to have to ditch the plate and start over.

3)I have been pregnant 3 times, but have 2 children. I had one ectopic pregnancy (that was a boy) back in 1999 and I miss him terribly.

4)I don't really like animals. We have 3 cats that I tolerate, but I really don't like them.

5)I once dated a Marine. I even went to his Marine Corps ball in Niagara Falls, NY and we even slept in the same hotel room, but in separate beds. I came out to him that night and he came out to me.

OK....I tag The Firehouse 5, Faggots on the third floor, Backyard Musings, Artsweet and Journey of A Co-Mom in the Making!

Addiction

OK....I have to admit that I might me addicted to not having money but spending it anyway. I am addicted to buying Hanna Andersson clothes online through e-bay with the rationalizion that I can just get back what I paid for it when I go to resell it. I have always had this issue, not necessarily with Hanna's because when Gillian was little it was OshKosh and Gymboree. I have this thing about my kids looking good when we leave the house. It's a sickness I tell ya. And it gives them the wrong message. Growing up, we never had a lot of money and it has totally effected how I manage money now. I spend it thinking, "Oh, I will have it next pay check" and then I don't. I find that in the past I would hide my spending from Cheryl, but have since vowed that I won't do that anymore. She is the one who get's stuck paying all the bills while I am out spending money we don't have. In all the money I have spent in clothes for the girls, I could have already bought that van already.

So, I am going to try really hard to stop spending money I don't have. Selling on e-bay has been good because then if I turn around and spend more money on clothes, I don't feel so guilty. It's money that I have earned.

Recently someone at church gave me a huge bag of clothes and it was filled with such pretty stuff. I was so appreciative. And other's have given us clothes also. I don't need to buy any thing more for anyone....well except for me and Cheryl. Somehow we always come out with nothing. And I have sent clothes to other people to try and pay back some of what has been given to us.

A funny before I go. Yesterday I bought Gillian a new tank suit on Lands E*d because we are going to one of those indoor water parks at the end of Feb (before my surgery) and she likes to wear long trunks over them. LE was all out and while we were at the mall yesterday Cheryl and Gillian went to Penney's to get some trunks. While we were driving home Gillian reads the tag....invisible naked women will pop up when wet! Hooo HA! Can you imagine if we had not known this before we got the to water park and she went into the water with them on and came out with playboy looking naked woman on her trunks? It would have been funny, but she wouldn't have been able to keep them on. SO, back we go to look for a more appropriate pair. I never even knew they made such a thing! How embarrasing!

Update time

Well, the nerve block I had a week and a half ago didn't work and I really felt it was a sign from God to go ahead and schedule the surgery. So, it's been scheduled. For 3/9/07. I wanted to get through February, get through Katie's birthday and then I will have the spring to recover. I felt that by summer I should be rehab'd enough to enjoy the summer. Maybe even be able to do some of the things that I haven't been able to do in a long time. Like camp and take some hikes. When I am recovered I am going to get serious about excercising once I get the go ahead from the MD. I am still walking 30 min a day, but it is very difficult. I am in so much pain that I have been a walking witch. Hey, I like that....walking witch. But I know that my family doesn't like it and I don't blame them. I have been snipping and snapping at the kids and Cheryl for no good reason. As soon as the words come out of my mouth I regret them. So, I am working on trying to be better about that. Think calming thoughts and just stop myself before the words come out. The other day I yelled at Katie for getting her pants dirty. Imagine that! A 3 year old getting her pants dirty? Poor thing. When I apologized to her later she told me, "Mom, that was 2 hours ago". Obviously she is much better about not holding onto crap than I am!

I have decided ahead of time to not get my panties in a wad about the surgery. I know that I need it and I am going to do it. It's going to hurt, recovery is going to be hard, but I know that I can do it. I just know that I am going to feel so much better than before I went into it. I know it in my heart. I will do everything they say, and I will get my life back. So, you might hear more from me as time goes on, but probably not a whole lot of navel gazing about the surgery. I have lots of planning to get to. Cheryl will take some time off, but I am going to call out the troops to help with Katie's care so that she's not just sitting in front of the TV during my recovery.

Katie's birthday is coming up! How is it that my "baby" is going to be 4!? Already? She is very excited for her Dora party that she is having. Now I just need to keep her calm until the party. And keep the guest list manageable! She keeps adding more and more people to the list! LOL!

I almost forgot to add that I managed to get an appt. at the Upstate MS Clinic on the 31st! I am so thankful to my MD for pulling whatever strings he did to get me in there. I am seeing a NP, but it gets me in the door and that is all that matters as I continue to lurch around like a drunk person!

Well, that is all for today! We are going to settle in for a cuddle and watch Cinderella.

De-lurking week

So....what are you waiting for? De-Lurk already!

The 4AM Blues

Well, as you can see this wasn't written at 4AM, but it could have been since I have been up since then. I woke up for no reason and just laid there and laid there. Then I started to worry about stuff that no sane person worries about. My kids dying, my partner dying, me dying. Cheryl and I met with the surgeon on Monday and he wants to wait to see how this nreve block I had on Wednesday worked. I got 9 days of relief last time and Dr T (Pain center doc) wasn't too impressed. He told me that if I don't get more relief than that and at least some residual pain relief that we'll have to go ahead and schedule the surgery. I am scared of having this surgery. I am sure if you scroll down and read you will see somewhere that I have already whined about this. But it sucks. I literally can't get on the floor with Katie. This morning I promised a trip to the zoo but between my stomach acting up and my back killing me, I am perched on the couch. And the poor dear is asking me she can do for me. Not crying that she can't go to the zoo. God, I feel like such a stinking failure as a mother. I do have to get her to swim lessons at 4 so I will drag myself out for that. Yesterday I was at story time with her and the pain in my back kicked in so badly I just wanted to lay down on the floor and cry. So, we stopped at Grandma's and I took some pain pills and laid down on her couch while she entertained Katie for an hour. Got home and just stayed on the couch. If I am going to feel any relief from this block, I should feel it tomorrow. The pain of the block should wear off by then.

It has been my dream my whole life to be a stay at home mom and I suck at it. I know I am being hard on myself. I know there are plenty if things I can do here and we do them. But I hate breaking promises to my kids. I hate it.

Of course it snowed and with snow and cold comes the winter grouchies. I wish we could move to the carribean. I so could be at home there. They must need a cytotech down there and there are always people who want a good therapist right? Right? LOL

Well, that is the end of the whine for today. So many of you who are SAHM's talk about all the awesome things you do. I applaud you for it. You are my hero's!

Katie at 4....

Here are some pictures of Katie taken the other day!