Thursday, June 28, 2007

Belle of the Ball

Here is the Belle of the Ball!

Katie was Belle in her very first recital. The whole recital was so cute and I just got the professional pictures back! Isn't my little ballerina cute? I think so too!

Saturday, June 23, 2007

Long Week

What a week it's been! Let's start with Katie's ballet recital. It was over the top, ADORABLE! OMG! She had 2 small parts and then her class did a princess part in which she played Belle. It was cute too cute. During the Cinderella part, she was a mouse and a very cute one too. And then she lost it. Because she didn't get to throw some clothes out of the trunk. So, off stage she comes in tears and I have to get her calmed down so that she can go back on to dance her Princess Dance. She pulled it off and it was so cute that I just cried. There will be pictures when we get them. We had to order them along with a DVD of the show and I am itching to get them already! The poor little thing was so anxious that I found myself teaching her some anxiety relieving techniques the 2 nights before the show! Let's just say she's following in my footsteps which isn't necessarily a good thing. This past week was also the last week of school for both girls. Come Monday, keeping them busy should be a challenge. I do have Katie signed up for a small summer program and we do have a zoo pass, so it looks like we will be hitting the zoo, beach and parks a lot this summer. I think I will also have to think up some cool arts and crafts to do too. Everything around here costs money, which as most of you know is in short supply! We also go to the library a lot and summer story time should be starting up again soon. Katie loves her story time!

Gillian wants to be with her friends all the time which I think is normal. She also wants to be very independent and not tell me where she is which doesn't fly in this house. She will be very busy this summer. Unfortunately the courses she could take for electives for summer school were already taken during the school year so no summer school for her. We are talking about her getting a summer job, but at 14, other than babysitting, there isn't much of a market for her. She has to train for her black belt and really get her run time down. They have to run an 8 minute mile and so far the closest she has gotten is 16:20. And that was being pulled and pushed most of the way. So, I will be taking her different places to run this summer.

Cheryl has one week off this summer and we are undecided about what to do. Of course we were hoping that SSD would come through, but we are still waiting for our date with the judge so I am not holding my breath on that one. At any rate, the money won't be here this summer. And I have lots of little projects that need to be done. Our room needs painting. I can't do that, but I can pick out the paint. As we've had the money, we've been buying the bedding and curtains to go with it to decorate out room. We have everything now and just need to paint and do the floor. We would love to put down hardwoods like we did in the kitchen and family room and might even have enough left over to do it, but neither of us know how to and can't afford to have it done. We are going with white walls since the bedding is colonial blue on white. When it's all done it's going to look beautiful! I don't think we'll take a vacation, because we really need that van. Hopefully, we'll be able to get that this summer too.

Well, how's that for an update. I have been feeling much less depressed. I am thinking that the transition from summer to school is going to be shaky when Katie goes to pre-K 4 days a week for a half day but maybe then I will start e-baying again full force. Last time I really got burned not doing it the right way and learned a lot about when to list, what to list and how to list so this time it might just work. I have been taking my "allowance" and garage saling to beef up inventory this summer. Just today I found a 1970's Fisher Price ramp/garage in mint condition. And maybe I will start to get back into scrapbooking. I have all the stuff and will finally have some time to do it! Bye for now!

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Summer Time

I don't know whether to like summer or loathe it. I like the school year because of the structure it provides. I like the summer because of the downtime that it gives us. But, and here is the big but, I have 2 children at 2 different end of the age spectrum with different needs...4 and almost 15. The 15 year old wants to go here, there and everywhere whilst the 4 year old is pretty content to just stay home and play in her pool and on her swingset. So, we will have to work something out. Today Grandma came and got Katie and played with her while I got some much needed and wanted time alone with Gillian. 15 is such a hard age and not an age that I would want to go back to in a million years. How does a parent let go of their child, while still managing to give them the boundaries they need to stay healthy and safe? I think it's the age old question! It's one that I think we will have to struggle through this summer. I have already let Gillian have some more independence than she did last summer and I have to sit with my own anxiety. It's not her anxiety. It's MINE! I have to own it. And she will have to step up to the plate and show us that she can be responsible.

Katie has her recital tomorrow night and is very excited (as are we)! She has been practicing for months for this and I can hardly wait to see it. We have practice tonight and then tomorrow is the real deal! She is napping now, because she was up late last night, and will be up late tonight and tomorrow. Poor thing!

Anyway, back to the summer. I do have Katie signed up for a summer program, but we aren't taking any vacations, which is something that I really look forward to to break up my summer. I guess I will just have to look for something else to help me get through. And as the summer goes through towards the end, start looking for posts regarding Katie getting on the Pre-K bus in Sept. Yes, that's right! She gets to take the bus to school! It's going to be a BIG step for all of us. And what will happen to Mommy? Well, that is the question of the year! I have to ponder that some more! What would you do?

Friday, June 15, 2007

Forging ahead

I am still forging ahead. Still here. I called the MD today and we are reducing the Topamax to 25mgs to see if the depression lessens. Today I felt it really, really badly. I have been having mood swings and just really, really anxious. I don't want my kids remembering me this way. The other day Katie said, "We sure do have a lot of rules around here" I want my kids to remember having fun with their mother, not having rules and me always being "on" them all the time. I want to relax and enjoy my kids and partner and LIFE. I am so tired of being afraid that something bad is going to happen that I am missing all the good things that ARE happening. I pray to God every day that He will help me slow down, but I do think that this is medicinal in nature. I haven't ever been the most of relaxed of people, but I have never been this depressed and anxious. I need to get off all of the medication. ALL OF IT. I have no delusions of granduer that withdrawl will be a picnic. I have been on them too long for it to be. But, I think with the right management and some hard work on my part, I can get through it. It will be a long and slow process. But, I need ME back. I need all of ME back. Not these mind altering drugs that make me someone who I am not. Any words of encouragement that you have to offer would be greatly appreciated. I am so scared, but hopeful at the same time. I just want ME back. That's all. I know I can do it. I just know I can!

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Needing to find myself

I feel as though I am wandering around and around. It's this weird thing and I can't quite explain it. The whole retail and needing to buy stuff is wrapped up in it. I can't get enough of buying stuff and as I stated before it can't just be anything. It has to be name brand stuff. I need to get over it already. I stopped working. I think I might go crazy. It's the start of the summer. Who in their right mind stops working at the start of the summer? Gillian has already started in on me being her personal taxi service and I am not going to go there with her! UGH! I am tired of being tired, depressed and just plain sad. I need to get away. Maybe get up to camp and get away from this house and be where nature is. A change of scenery. No computer. No more e-bay! Now there is something to think about. Some books, some peace and quiet and some fun.

Katie starts pre-K next year and I have no idea what I am going to do when she gets on that bus. I know I said the same thing this year. I will find something! Gillian will be back in school. Maybe then I can get the house clean, one room at a time and a big load will be off my shoulder? See how scattered I am? This is what it's like living in my mind.

Now I need to rest!

Losing Cindy

I am so sad all the time. I feel like I lost my best friend. In a way I have. One of my best friends has had a stroke. My friend Cindy had a heart Valve replaced a couple of weeks ago and then had a stroke. She can't remember most things and can't talk. It's one of the most horrible things I have ever had to witness. Yesterday I came home from dropping Katie off from school and was scrolling through the old messages and there was one from her. I just dropped and cried. I miss her old self already. I took Katie over to her grandmothers and went up to the hospital later on and said, "You're pissed aren't you?" She said "yup". I told her that I was in it for the long haul and that I wasn't leaving until she got up out of that bed on her own and told her "Don't make me kick your butt out of that bed!" Now in the past she would have said, "You and what army?" I am waiting for that day. When she asks me that question, then I will know that I have my old friend back. I miss her so much already. She smiled when I said that and I leaned in real close and told her that I knew that she wanted to say that. She will say that. I know she will.

Call your friends. Put down the mouse and pick up the phone and call them. You never, ever know if it's the last time you will be able to talk to them. Take it from me. And if you pray, please pray that Cindy gets all of her functions back. It's going to be a long, hard road. And these roads usually show you who your friends are. I hope you never, ever have to test your friendship this way.

What are you doing? I told you....go get that phone and call your friend....NOW.