Tuesday, December 02, 2008

On becoming a writer

SARK just came out with a new book,Juicy Pens Thirsty Paper that I got ahold of and it's really making me want to actually try and write. I go back and forth with this and usually think of good stuff to write while I am laying in bed at night. I went out and got a USB port to DL stuff to when I do write.

Medically things are still at a standstill with me. I have to go for a heart sono and a sleep study. There is no explaination of why I gained all the water weight that I did. I get so discouraged because I just get to a weight that I am happy about and then BOOM something like this happens.

I have some more cute pictures to upload to show you all the pretty outfits that I have accrued for Katie. I also learned how to make pants and because of that, I am in the process of making a PJ top to match the pants I made and a flannel set for Katie. I am also still quilting, having just made a quick quilt for Katie's dance teacher who just had a baby. I just need to put a few more stitches in to close it up.

Also, I found an awesome series of books that I have really gotten in to. The series is about a Episcopalian preist and his life. The author of the series is Jan Karon and the series is the Mitford Series. I am working on the second book called, A Light In The Window. There is just enough religion that is satisfies me, but not so much that it puts one off.

Anyway, that is the news from here. Look for more writing attempts as time goes on.


Tuesday, November 18, 2008

I was just thinking.....

I am watching Jon and Kate + 8 with Katie (her favorite show) and wondering if I could have sextuplets, I could have free vacations too. It's been far too long since we've gone on vacation and I just want to go somewhere sunny and relax. Of course, they aren't exactly relaxing with all those kids, so I guess it wouldn't pay off.

I went to the MD yesterday and my liver tests were off so I am going for a US of the abdomin on Thursday to see if there is anything going on. I am so swollen (they had to use KY Jelly and pull and pull to get them off my fingers. I feel so lost without them! But I have gained 20 pounds in water weight and I feel so fat. I know that once the meds kick in and I pee out the water I will be back to where I should be.

SO, I leave you as I always do with some cute pictures of my darling. (The one that will let me take pictures. If you are wondering, these are some darling outfits that Denise over at Matilda Jane Clothing sent us. You are reach her here MJC

Thursday, November 13, 2008

The day after......

Yesterday I celebrated my 41st birthday! And I got some awesome presents to boot! First, my MIL signed me up for a sewing class. It's a class on making lounge pants which I can't seem to master. I am really excited. I keep wanting to branch out into clothing, but other than some skirts and appliqued tops, I haven't done anything. Once I learn pants, I can start making everyone some lounge pants to lounge around on Sunday after church!

Secondly, I got 2 gift cards! One to Starbucks and another to Barnes and Noble. These were from my Sweetie! I have been wanting to get Bill Bryson's newest book on Shakesphere so this is where that will go. She also took the day off and we ended up doing some Christmas shopping for the kids and had a nice breakfast together and then came home and cuddled while I dozed. It was too quick before it was time to get Katie off the bus and me to go and get Gillian to bring her to an appt. The girls each got me a card and Katie made a picture frame of with a picture of just her and I in it and Gillian gave me a huge bag of M&M's! YUM! Cheryl made me a delectable dinner of Salmon with an apple sauce on top, acorn squash with wild rice cooked in it and pea's! YUM! For dessert she made me banana's foster which I adore and would rather have than cake anyday!

It was the most perfect present ever. If I could wrap the day up and open it up over and over again I would.

And here is Katie yesterday. If you ever buy anything from Mini Boden buy these tights and this dress. The tights are nice and soft and the dress just makes you want to hug her even more than you already do, it's that soft!

I did snap another picture today, but I was reading a great book and lost track of time so I will have to send that picture later.

Friday, October 31, 2008

It gets me every single time

Just like a sucker punch to the gut. Why do I always have a horrible September and October? Then when I get through the crap, I am reminded in the back of my mind...Duh, you lost your baby boy in September and your father in October. What did I say lost, that almost makes it sound like they can be found. And that is a joke because I will never see either one of them.

I still miss my father with a pain as deep as the soul can feel. I wish everyday that he was here to play with his grandchildren because I know he would have made a hell of a grandpa. So, to those of you whose children still have their grandpa's, call him today and thank him for being the wonderful grandpa that your kids could ever have OK?

And for those of you who have lost a baby, you know the drill. They say it gets easier, but you know what? It doesn't. Not for one bit. It's like a wound that is split wide open and gradually grows together and then slowly grows a scab. The scab routinely gets pulled off, the pain comes back but it isn't quite as bad as it was.

I miss you Dad.

I miss you my baby boy Jared.

I love you both.

You will never ever be forgotten.


Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Gillian's Blog

Gillian has her very own blog over on wordpress. If you aren't squeamish, go ahead and read!

If you google gils uc story you should be able to find it, or e-mail me and I will fwd you the link. I am too tired to try and fight with the computer to make the link work right!

I have been sleeping most of the day and night as I am in a bad flare right now. Everything has caught up with me. I promise I will write more as I am able!

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

We are home!

Gillian came home today! Yippee! Now I am on a quest to try and make her some colostomy bag covers. I think I can do them, but I am still a newbie at the sewing machine. I can't wait to get back to my machine and finish Katie's quilt, finish the Easter Dress that I started for her a while back, finish a Halloween quilt that I started and then last but not least, finish the quilt I started cutting out for Gillian. Then I can get to work on the projects that I haven't started yet!

I also want to make Gillian some flannel pants so that she has some comfortable pants to wear with her ostomy around the house. I stink at making pants. I have tried, believe me, but have never gotten it down. I am guessing that I need to have someone show me for the first time and then I will have it.


Sunday, October 19, 2008


I am so sorry to keep you all waiting but sleep had to come first. I am heading back off to bed, but wanted to let everyone know that she had a semi colectomy on Friday and the colon was very sick. Gillian is the proud new owner of a stoma and a colostomy bag. She loves the stoma (for some reason) and is very proud of the noises that it makes along with the waste that it makes. And for the first time in 5 years she is Colitis pain free. She has some surgical pain, but has a morphine pump for that and is using it less and less each day. I actually came home tonight to sleep with my family and left Gillian alone at the hospital since she doesn't have to get up and go to the bathroom all night and she slept good last night. She'll call me if she needs me.

More later and maybe some pictures. She is documenting everything and we even gave the surgeon a camera to take into the operating room to take a pic of the part of the colon her took out. She is taking pics of her stoma and everything that involves it. That's my girl I tell ya. I have lots to tell you about everything, but I can't really put a coherent thought together right now, so more later OK?
Wendy (mom to STOMA girl!)

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Sugery is set

For this Friday at 1PM EST. Any prayers and well wishes are most appreciated. Gillian was visited by a girl who has gone through what she is about to go through and that helped a lot. She has decided to name her stoma Pablo and has been playing with her Ostomy supplies, figuring them out, etc. She shows everyone who comes in and I am planning to try and make some covers this weekend. The girl that came up to visit her brought 2 covers and a pattern, so I am going to try and make some funky covers. She likes tye die and rainbow so I am going to search for fabric like that. So, she will go through the 1st of 3 surgeries on Friday and have most of her colon removed. When that heals, then she will go in for the 2nd surgery where the small intestine will be made into a pouch and be readied for the reversal. Any one who is interested in learning more about this can go to J Pouch and find information there. Cheryl and I continue to support her by spending the night with her, switching off and on every other night and I stay with her during the day. Cheryl is trying to save her time for her surgeries.

Of course I heard back from my lawyer today which usually means that we are getting ready to go back to court. What a time huh? Well, we will get through it. I keep praying everyday for God to give me strength and he always comes through.

And Katie is hanging in there. We are all troopers. We really are, even when we don't feel like it. Off to put Katie to bed. Night everyone!

Sugery is set

For this Friday at 1PM EST. Any prayers and well wishes are most appreciated. Gillian was visited by a girl who has gone through what she is about to go through and that helped a lot. She has decided to name her stoma Pablo and has been playing with her Ostomy supplies, figuring them out, etc. She shows everyone who comes in and I am planning to try and make some covers this weekend. The girl that came up to visit her brought 2 covers and a pattern, so I am going to try and make some funky covers. She likes tye die and rainbow so I am going to search for fabric like that. So, she will go through the 1st of 3 surgeries on Friday and have most of her colon removed. When that heals, then she will go in for the 2nd surgery where the small intestine will be made into a pouch and be readied for the reversal. Any one who is interested in learning more about this can go to J Pouch and find information there. Cheryl and I continue to support her by spending the night with her, switching off and on every other night and I stay with her during the day. Cheryl is trying to save her time for her surgeries.

Of course I heard back from my lawyer today which usually means that we are getting ready to go back to court. What a time huh? Well, we will get through it. I keep praying everyday for God to give me strength and he always comes through.

And Katie is hanging in there. We are all troopers. We really are, even when we don't feel like it. Off to put Katie to bed. Night everyone!

Friday, October 10, 2008

12 days into this....

And I think we are still sane. Do we have a choice? We are waiting for Gillian's surgeon to come back from out of town before she goes in for her first surgery out of three. She will come out of that surgery with a ileostomy. The surgery that she is having (for you Google fans) is called a Subtotal Colectomy w/Ileostomy. That is the first one. The there will be 2 more before we are finished.

I personally am finished. I can whine,grouse, bitch, etc, but it's not going to change anything. Gillian refuses to do school work up here and I worry about her ability to graduate. She thinks that she will just go back to school and all will be well. Meanwhile she is doing color by numbers and texting. At least she won't forget how a pencil moves or how to spell :)

Katie was a spit fire last night. Her teacher told her she was going to meet with a counselor today and she was all up in arms about it. The poor child just wants her family home (and her family wants nothing more than that) and to top it all off, Grandma is leaving today to go to DC for the long weekend.

Anyway, we are handeling things. Looks like another blood transfusion is on it's way either today or tomorrow. I am guessing it will be here about 15 minutes after I fall asleep because that seems to be when things happen around here. Just you try to get some sleep, just you try. It's like the taunt you, "Now's a good time to get some sleep" what they don't tell you is that 15 minutes after you fall asleep they will come in with some life making decision to make and you are so tired and your ability to make a decision to go pee is out the window, let alone making a decision to have your daughter transfused.

Well, that is my attempt at humor for the day. I know her teacher must be peeing in her pants laughing, since everyday the kid comes to school in a kooky outfit (you wouldn't believe what she will talk her mother into wearing) and her hair down. Not that I am tooting my own horn..well, I kind of am, but when I put her on the bus, she is matching and her hair is done. Cheryl. you need to learn how to put the child's hair up...I am begging you! LOL!

Over and out from a sleep deprived Mommy!

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

Things are a changin'

OK, so scratch the last post. Things have changed and we are now at option 2, which is them building Gillian up enough to have surgery. They will take out part of her colon, give her and ostomy. When that heals, then they will take the rest of her colon out, make a small pouch from the small intestine, create an ostomy out of that and when that heals and the SI learns how to do the job of the colon, she will have reconnection surgery. 3 surgeries in about 6 months or so. The name of the surgery she is going to have (for those of you who like to look things up on the net) is SubTotal Coletomy with Ileostomy. I am purposely staying off the net because there is a lot of scary stuff out there.

Gillian is in massive pain. You know when a 16 year old wants an ostomy, that it must be bad. She had a blood transfusion the night before last and that helped. She is getting Morphine now and that is helping too.

Katie is a mess. She is crying at school, not wanting to leave us. This morning I put her on the bus and she told me while we were waiting for the bus that she is having a hard time getting her work done because she is worried. Break my heart. Oh, wait, it's already broken. I miss her so much when I spend the night at the hospital and all Katie wants is for her family to be home. We all want that. I just told her that the best thing that she can do is to do her work and try to have fun at school. We tell her everyday what to expect, "Where is Mommy going to be, where is Mama going to be, who is getting you off the bus, etc." and we make sure she gets to Ballet and Soccer so that she has some real continuity.

Our church family has been wonderful. Dropping off food of and on so there is always something to eat in the fridge. Coming up to visit Gillian and say hi to us.

I do believe that God has us in His hands. That is the belief getting me through these days.

Cheryl is still working as much as she can, but can take FMLA. We are trying to save that time for when Gillian has the actual surgery since there will be 3 of them.

Friday, October 03, 2008

Shit Happens

This may possibly be the most difficult post I will ever write. I am writing to you from Crouse Hospital where my 16 year old daughter is lying in a bed next to me hooked up to meds through a PIC line. She can no longer eat or drink for 2 months and will receive all of her nutrition through TPN (Total Parenteal Nutrition) She is also being started on Remicade tonight to get her colon as healthy as possible to remove. Yes, I said remove. She is going to have surgery in 2 months to take out her colon and she will have a temporary colostomy/iliostomy. They will take her small intestine and make a pouch and once that learns how to act like a colon, they will go in and put that in and she should be able to live a normal life.

Katie is sick. When the surgeon was here, school called to say she had a fever. She was seen at the MD today and it's just a cold. SO, now we have to worry about cross contamination. Plus the poor child's world is un an uproar with only one of us being there at night. Cheryl and I are taking turns being with Gillian at the hospital.

I can't write anymore. I am so tired.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Writers block

Another cute picture to start your day!

And as the title suggests, I have writers block. How come I always think of witty and fun, even deep things to write about just before I fall asleep at night? And then the next day, when I get up, I sit and stare at the computer just waiting for those thoughts to pop out again. My goal this school year was to write a book. I could write about any number of things. Here is the list:

1) My childhood (everyone writes those)
2) My foray into the world of infertility (and the result of that X's 2)
3) Being a lesbian and writing about said foray
4) Being chronically disabled
5) Coming out as a lesbian
6) Being the first (and so far only) person in my family to have a Master's Degree (although fat lot of good it's doing me while I sit around on my fat ass thinking about all the things I could write about)
7) My experiences with religion. This is one that I could seriously get into, but it's really emotional.
8) My experience of being sexually abused by an older woman as a teen and it's effect that it has on me today.
9)My children - there is always lots to write about there
10) My passion regarding children's clothing, my attempts to create said clothing and the result - my love of quilting.

So, that is the short list. I really want to write something that will helpl people . I don't know what that is. So, I keep sitting here, on my fat ass, wondering what to write about!


Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Definition of CUTE!

This is Katie this morning heading out the door to school. She looks to old to me for some reason. I think it's finally sinking in, she's in SCHOOL and going to stay there. I am trying to find some routine for my day, so that I am not just walking around the house, or even worse, out speding money. Anyway, I thought I would share my cutie with you.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

I Just Know This Week Will Be Better

So many times I think about giving this blog up. I forget, life get's busy and when I think of something witty to say, it's usually about the time I am ready to fall asleep. As much as I would like to jump out of bed, fire up the computer and write it all down, I am usually asleep before I can finish the thought!

This past week has been the week from hell. Gillian and I got sick on Friday, and sure enough, by Sunday, I was in the ER. I couldn't keep anything down, including my pain meds. Little did I know that going to the ER, and then subsequently getting admitted would turn out to be a nightmare. It took them 12 tries to get an IV in me. Of course there was no one there to do a PIC line, which is what I was told I would need the last time I was in the hospital. You know what makes me the maddest? I found out on Monday that they did have someone that could put one in, they just didn't. Anyway, I digress. Many of you know that I take some pretty heavy duty pain meds for the debilitating that I experience as a result of back surgery gone wrong. When I vomit them up, I go into withdrawl, which just makes me sicker. It also makes me feel like I am a junky. So, they were giving me pain meds through the IV, but what I take is extended release, and what they were giving me was POP and then come down. Well, I would be OK for the first hour or 2 and then slowly I would start to shake, vomit, get the cold sweats, etc. It was horrible and I was crying and just feeling out of control. While this was happening, I got a male nurse (nothing against them) and he began to ask me, "Do you take your pain meds as prescribed? Do you ever take more than you've been prescribed?, etc" He even went so far as to make me show him my scar on my back (no matter that I had my surgery in the same hospital and he could have just looked up and had access to my medical records. I started to get defensive and he then said, "When you get defensive, then I tend not to believe you". Oh, I was hopping mad. Finally, I asked them to put me back on my meds that I was on (and they wouldn't do this until they called the pain clinic I go to to verify that I was indeed on all these meds). Once they did that, I started to feel better as they were bolusing me the other pain meds too. It took my back pain away for a while and it was such relief.

One thing that I mentioned to this male nurse I had was that I was planning to go on a pain patch instead of taking pills orally. I am also on so many meds for my stomach that this would help this problem. Anyway, the male nurse made a point of coming back to my room, sat down and then started talking about how they only give the patch to terminal and elderly people who are going to die and they don't have to worry about addiction. Well, I am here to tell you that I am going to be on pain meds unless they fix my back because when the pain meds wore off, I was in the most incredible pain. Any fantasy that I harbored about going off the meds and toughing it out went right out the window. I will go for my appt next month at the pain clinic and start the process of weaning off the oral meds and building up the patch. I just think for me, it's a win, win situation. I live in fear of vomiting and when it happens, then I always end up in the hospital. So, that was my weekend and start to my week.

While all this was going on, Gillian was also sick. Her Ulcerative Colitis (UC) kicked into full gear and since she had taken herself off her meds, she was in a really bad place. She was vomiting and going to the bathroom so much that I was worried about her. And although Cheryl was home to take care of her, she would still call me and cry that she wanted me. Talk about feeling like a shithead. Cheryl took her to the MD's office and they started her back on her meds. The same ones. They didn't seem to be worried about her Eosinophilia or anemia that the 6MP caused and I guess from what I hear, the other meds have far worse side effects. They put her on a med that acts as a steroid, but without the side effects. Problem was, it causes an upset stomach and she threw them all up. I finally took her to the ER last night. We got there at 3PM and finally got home at Midnight. They had trauma after trauma and it was so frustrating. They put in an IV, gave her fluids, morphine and Zofran. She is feeling much better today. They also started her on Prednisone which did she ever pitch a fit about. She refused at first so they started her paperwork to admit her and she'd have to be in for 8 days on Prednisone. Now at least she is on it orally and tomorrow when I speak with the gastro MD, we can hopefully begin to taper down. Being in the hospital for 8 days would certainly put a crimp in her style because they are going to start filming for M*DE (the MTV show) this week.

Yes, she was chosen! Another exciting event going on in our house. School has been so hard on this poor kid. The day she started school, she opened her locker and founf that someone had etched the word FAG in her locker. The school is finally taking this bullying and harrassment seriously. I knew something was going on, but not how bad it was. She didn't want to come to me because she knew that I would go to the administration and she was afraid the kids would get into trouble and it would come back on her double fold. What am I supposed to do as a parent? I want to protect my child, but I also want her to learn how to protect herself. She's going to be in college in a year and a half and I am not always going to be there.

Well, this leaves Katie and Cheryl. Katie has adjusted wonderfully to Kindergarten. I love her teacher and it's obvious how much Katie's teacher likes her too. You cna just tell. And Katie really likes her teacher too. It's a great match. I go to school on Thursday and help out in the lunch room. Katie was going to learn to buy millk that day and my MD appt went over and I missed it. I felt horrible. Like the worst parent imaginable. I got to school right after they went back to class. They called her down and her teacher brought her. Katie proudly told me that she helped Mrs. S how to buy HER lunch! And they laughed because they both forgot their straws! What good hands my baby is in!

Cheryl has been taking care of Gillian and I. Poor thing is worn out. It seems that it never gets to be her turn to be taken care of. I guess I need to remidy that situation. If I keep saying "when things calm down, then I will do it" it will never get done, because I seriously doubt that things will ever become calm in this house.

So, Tap, Ballet and Soccer continue. Gillian will be filming for 6 weeks and working and going to school. Cheryl plugs away at her job to bring money home so that we can all survive. And I still wait. Wait for the SSD that is sitting on the judges desk. So much for the bulged disc that he and the SSD MD's said that I had. A surgery later, more incredible pain later and we still wait.....

If anyone out there has any words of wisdom that they think will help move this along faster, I am happy to hear them. I do have an attorney. I guess right now, I just need hope. Hope that one day we won't be in this financial hole we are in (and my shopping to relive stress doesn't help at all). I have become hopelessly addicted to children's clothes, buying fabric to make quilts and then putting them away to make. I will give myself credit that I do make them. I am learning more and more, but even that is difficult to do because of my back.

So, I will ply you all with more pictures of cute kids and the family doing fun things as they come along....let me know you are out there if you are reading me. It's nice to know that I am not talking to myself!


Thursday, September 04, 2008

Back to school!

Well, it happened, Katie went to Kindergaten and Gillian went to 11th grade. You see no pictures of Gillian because she is waaaay too old for that, dontcha know? I was a wreck all day, but when she got off that bus, smiling ear to ear, I knew that all had gone well and that it was going to be OK. We finally got her day out of her and she really had a blast. She was really excited that the teacher called her up at story time and read her shirt, "Kindergarten Rocks" to the whole class and put it up on the board. (I had the outfit custom made). Of course she picked her own outfit today and it was her most coveted Hannah Montana Tee, with her Denim Hello Kitty skirt (and some gym shorts that I insisted she wear under it) with her pink high tops. I rolled my eyes when she said she wanted to wear her pink high tops, but it really made the outfit. I will have to snap a pic when she gets home, because she looked like a real rock star.

As for Gillian, I think she was glad to be back in school, now considered an upperclassman (how in the heck did that happen?) and got her favorite courses, Environmental Science and Creative Writing and Psychology. She was a happy camper. And if she's a happy camper, then so is everyone else. Gillian has her own fashion sense and she looked pretty snazzy yesterday too! I wish she would have let me take some pics.

So, the cleaning person is here, I am going to see if I can find some jeans to fit my big butt and then get back here for the kiddo's. We were lucky enough to get Katie's list before school, but tonight I have to brave the crowds and hope there is enough to get her stuff.

Monday, September 01, 2008

Labor Day pics!

Here are some beautiful customs that I had made by Tracy Tobias at shopperscloset@yahoo.com . If you like what you see, e-mail her and she will be happy to help you! These outfits were made out of fabric that I bought at Fabric Bliss during a Euro Pre-Order that she had a while back. I was in love with the fabric and knew that I just wasn't talented enough to do them justice. So, I sent the fabric to Tracy and she made this beautiful twirl skirt and then she used a beautiful Euro pattern to create the Katie shirt and pants. I think they are both so cute! And the fabric are just scrumptious! Enjoy.

Next, be on the lookout for back to school pics! Katie has her lunch made already (in the fridge) and she has her orientation tomorrow to meet her teacher and other kids in her class. I am going to lug all her supplies in tomorrow so that she won't have to worry about that on the bus.

I am very tearful about school starting, but I stocked up on fabric, and have a lot of project to do. I also am going to be very serious about sitting down at least an hour a day to write. Who knows what will come of that!


Friday, August 29, 2008

Another rainy day

Lots going on in the house, nothing I really want to write about. I feel physically done in for. The new pain meds I am on make me really drowsy and groggy. I did sew for a bit yesterday, which helped a lot to get me going. I started out making Katie a skirt out of charm packs and quickly realized that I didn't have enough, so together, Katie and I put together a quick little quilt that we are going to send to Katie's friend Abby that just moved to K.Y. It turned out really cute and as soon as the binding is on, I will send a pic. I also have to go and get some more pink thread to finish Katie's quilt. I went through my stash and have so many projects in front of me, that I think I will spend my time with the kids in school sewing and trying to refine my technique.

So, speaking of school, I am not trying to think about it. I can't stand the fact that Katie is going to be gone all day! But, I am trying really hard not to let her know that I am sad about it, because she is really excited, which is right where I want her to be!

And Gillian is excited to get another year under her high school belt. She is really looking forward to going to college, although she is really thinking about going to school here for 2 years before deciding where she'd like to be. Smart thinking on her part!

Well, that's today's update. Oh, has anyone been following those Democrats? What do you think about Obama and Biden?


Thursday, August 21, 2008

Extreme Home Makeover.....

Is in a town near us! It's one of Katie's favorite shows and we promised her that we would take her to go and see it. So, we went today and she was just so mesmerized. We actually saw Didi and John and Katie just took it all in. Then she cried when I told her we had to leave. I mean, they were just working, and it was hot and well, we stayed...for a little while longer. Of course I forgot to bring the camera but I got some cell phone pics and I promised her that I would bring her back on Monday when the family comes home. Too bad it's an hour and a half away huh? Oh well, it will be worth it to see the family come home. BTW - if you are interested, just google EHM geneva NY and you can read all about it.

It really was cool seeing the house going up so fast. And watching them tape....it's so scripted in so many places. We can't wait to see if they put in the part that we watched them tape!

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

Sweet 16

Today I gave birth to my first born daughter. After 27 hours of labor, 2 hours of pushing and an emergency C-Section, Gillian was born. It was an amazing, beautiful time. I remember it like it was yesterday. Gillian was 2 weeks overdue and I was admitted to the hospital to be induced. I went in on the 4th knowing that it could take several days for her to be born. I was induced at 7am on the 5th and at Noon, my water broke with meconium. Around 6PM, the major contractions started. I thought I would be able to handle them with no problem. Just breathe a little and voila! Well, at 10PM, I was begging for meds, epidural, ANYTHING and the nurse said I had to be at least 3CM's and refused to check me because the monitor wasn't really showing any contractions. Everytime I had a contraction I would sit up and mess up the tracing. The nurse finally came back at 3AM and checked me and said I was 6CM's and I could have an epidural. The MD came in and gave me the blessed epidural and I went to sleep until they woke me up at 6AM, checked me, declared me fully dialated with a lip. They had my start pushing, but the baby wasn't engaged. They did some kind of test and noticed that her oxygen was low and said I needed a c-section stat. So, everything started happening in a blur and the next thing I knew, Gillian was born. The whole time I was pregnant, I thought I was having a boy and all the sono's I had never showed the sex. So, when they said it was a girl, I was so, so surprised. They took her away because it was a crash section and after a while, brought her back to me in recovery. I remember holding her and thinking to myself, "OH my God, what have I done?" The enormity of the responsibilty that was handed to me in that baby was overwhelming. But from there on, we've been a team her and I. Learnig to breastfeed, potty training, traveling, just being together. So, it was only fitting that the first thing we did this morning was to head down to the DMV and apply for her learners permit! She passed the test the first time and we went to a parking lot so she could practice. She did much better than I thought, but we still have a way to go before we are ready to hit the open road.

So, to my darling daughter. Happy Sweet 16 sweetie! I love you!


Thursday, July 31, 2008

Just me and my girl......

Oh how I love this child! The summer slowly creeps by, school waiting to steal her from me. But for now, she's all mine! We are having such fun this summer. And while she is at playground, Gillian and I have been having some Mom and me time too, before school steals her back. 11th grade already...college seeking this year. And next Tuesday, she will be taking her permit to drive test. Already? It seems like just yesterday, she was being whisked away onto that big yellow school bus...but until September.....

Friday, July 18, 2008

Summer Lovin"

This is going to be Katie's fist day of school outfit! I got this great iron on and then had Kate from Monkeysbug make us the shirt with the capri's! I thought it came out so cute.

Isn't this the most adorable outfit? You have to head over to Everything But The Princess and pick up some great deals. Last year I bought a cute outfit from Room Seven through this site and there was an issue with it. The site owner fixed it quickly and I have been a loyal customer ever since. Well, I just bought another outfit, but still. I love this site and the sales just blow me away. This is an outfit from Mim Pi which is new to us. Runs a tad small, but will get us through the summer.

So, to finance all this, I have been listing like crazy and was able to sell quite a bit of last year's stuff in order to finance this years stuff. I had a great credit saved up at Mini Boden so I was able to pick up some cute stuff there too. Unfortunately, the pants aren't going to fit us this year as Katie is between sizes, so I stuck to skirts and shirts.

Now, onto more important stuff! Gillian is going to be 16 in a couple of weeks. She doesn't want a party, she just wants to go and get her permit! I am going to be teaching my baby how to drive soon. I can't believe it. Can you all believe that some of her friends are getting cars for their 16th birthday's? I am just shocked! I guess I shouldn't be, but what 16 year old needs their own car? Of course Gillian would answer "ME"! She is saving for a car, but she has no clue about insurance and all the other stuff that comes with cars. I am trying to adjust to giving her more freedom and sometimes it works, sometimes it backfires. We are all learning. I just wish that I could shop for cute clothes for her, but she definately has her own style so we just go and she picks out what she wants. She also is in a no pictures of me stage...but I will get her when I can. Trust me!

Cheryl is still working her butt off so we can pay the bills and keep us clothed, fed and gas in the car. I am still not working, but that might change when Katie starts school. I am contemplating putting my name in to sub, but not sure that I can do it. We'll have to see. I still haven't written Seminary off either, I just don't know what to do. I guess I am having a mid life crisis!

Well, that is it for now. More later....

Monday, July 07, 2008

Summer Pics

Here is a sampling of our summer so far. Gillian has decided that she doesn't like to have her picture taken these days so it's rare that I get one! More to come!

Relaxing at the beach! And if you love the dress, head over to Etsy and check out MonkeysBug's shop! She made the pattern for this dress (and made the dress too!)

Katie with Alice from Alice In Wonderland as we walked down storybook Lane at EFWS!

Gillian and her friend, Mama and Katie all ready to get on the Bumper Cars at Enchanted Forest Water Safari! We had a great time!

Getting ready to swing!

Ballet Beauty! Hopefully I will be able to scan in the professional pics!

I love the sprinkler!

Sunday, July 06, 2008

Bad, Bad Blogger!

Sorry everyone. I have been so busy, I feel as though I have lost my mind. Right now, I am up waiting for Gillian to get home from being out late for the first time with her friends. So, I thought I would take the time to update you all....

Gillian - will be 16 in less than a month! She is already looking forward to getting her permit and starting to learn how to drive! Me, I am not so much looking forward to it. I really wanted to give her a Sweet 16 party, but she doesn't want one. I think we might get her the PS2 with DDR since that is what she has been craving lately. Mostly, she just wants to learn how to drive. She passed all her classes including her Regents! For those of you who know the struggles that she has been through know what a major accomplishment this is...WTG to Gillian. She is also working, scooping ice cream at a local ice cream shop and enjoying her summer. Seems we haven't had a night or weekend off in forever! I just can't tell you all how proud I am of my girl!

Katie - Starts playground tomorrow morning and will be there until mid-July when she will then take a week of VBS and then home for the week before school starts! Kindergarten no less. I am working on getting her wardrobe up to snuff for school...you know me...all bows and matching tights! I have quite a lot saved up in credit at Mini Boden, but pants are going to be an issue this year, so I am getting a couple of skirts and lots of shirts to put with jeans. I actually had her go through the catalog and pick out what she wanted. She went for the skirts and tights! I am busy going through all her clothes to see what fits. Denise DeMarchis over at Matilda Jane Clothing has some cute summer dresses that have been perfect for the hot summer days and I am hoping the winter dresses we have will still fit this year. I managed to get some Hanna's in 120, so after we find some pants to fit, we'll be set. Now, onto Katie...she "graduated" from Pre-K and is now ready for Kindy! I can't wait to see her get on that bus and hear all about her first day! She had her T-Ball games but was more interested in talking with her friends on base. She also had her Dance Recital (pics to come) that was just so dang cute. I loved it all. She's taking Jazz and Ballet this summer so we'll still be busy!

Cheryl - took this past week off (we were supposed to go to a family reunion, but a caving entry way took care of that for us). We did end up going to a local water park and had a great time. I have some great pics of the girls that I need to put up. We went to friends of ours yesterday as their son and daughter were graduating and had such a nice time. Then we ended the "vacation" by heading to Lake Ontario today and swimming and hanging at the beach! I don't want Cheryl to head back to work, but someone has to make the money to pay the bills!

Wendy - Same ol stuff. I thought I was having a heart attack the other night but a quick trip to Urgent Care and I was dx'd with some muscle spasm's in my chest area. Whew. I thought it was anxiety, but I did something to my arm and it radiated up to my chest wall. I still have my good days and bad and just try to get through.

I will try and get some pics up tomorrow or Tuesday while Katie is at playground. We've played and had fun!

Monday, June 16, 2008

Father's Day.....

Most of you know that my father was killed in a work related accident 30+ years ago. I miss him terribly. I think about him a lot and can only imagine how my life would have been different had he lived. I wish he would have had a chance to meet Cheryl and I wish he would have had a chance to meet and get to know his grandchildren. He would have been an awesome grandfather. Dad, I know you know this, but I miss you and love you. This father's day was even sadder for me because it's the first one since my grandfather's death. My grandfather's death has affected me profoundly. I know, he was old and sick. I know that he was suffering and I know that he is in a better place. I was very lucky to have my grandfather in my life for as long as I did. Most people don't get to be 40 and still have their grandparents. But I miss him. I didn't go to either grave sites on father's day because I know that I would just be too sad, besides, I have been to both repeatedly and placed flowers and flags on both.

Today I went to Seminary and visited. I think my grandfather's death has brought me much closer to God. I don't know why I feel this calling to go to Seminary, I just do. I still don't know if I will enroll and if I do, whether I will work on my MDiv and become a minister or get a MA in Theology. In either case I will go on to get a doctorate and either become a Rev. Dr. or just a Dr. I don't know that if I become a minister that I will preach in a church or rather become a chaplain in a jail and/or hospital. Or perhaps God will call me to minister in a church. If I go for the MA in Theology and then get a Phd then I will probably teach in the University. Either way, I sense that after Gillian graduates from high school Cheryl and I may move. Again, I am following God's lead in this because He is the only one who really knows the ultimate plan.

That's all for today. I am going to get Katie to bed and read for a while before going to bed since we were up at 6 in order to get to Rochester by 8. Good night all


Friday, June 13, 2008


Everything is fine, I have just been really, really busy with end of the school year stuff, ballet recitals, T-ball games and well just about everything else. I have some great pictures to download, a ton of stuff to e-bay and lots of sewing projects that are just waiting for me to finish them (or start them altogether). I always promised myself that I would never be one of those sewers with half finished projects and well, I am.

I am really having a hard time with Katie ending pre-K and heading off to Kindy next year. We were watching some baby shows together today and it struck me that this really was it. My soon to be 16 year old is going to be driving soon and my 5 year old is really going to kindy.

I am going on Monday to Colgate Rochester for the day to check it out. Not sure what will pan out of it. I have to try though. I have to do something. I for sure will volunteer at school, I will for sure be driving the 16 year old around. Or holding on white knuckled while she drives....

But, I have to do something for me. I really hope that SSD comes through soon. I can't stand living like this. Constantly worrying about money. Not being able to do anything extra. I mean we have enough to live, it's not dire or anything like that. But we just keep living without doing anything extra. And I shouldn't really complain because there are a lot of people who can't even make ends meet. But the pressure on Cheryl is immense, I feel guilty and is just keeps goign on and on.

Blah, enough of that. It's going to be a fun summer. We did splurge and get a park pass so I can take the girls to the beach. That's it....we'll become beach bums!


Thursday, May 29, 2008

OK, OK.....

I wasn't quite ready to share the news, but I am seriously considering attending Seminary. Now, before you go and get all hepped up, I am not even sure that this will pan out. I have so many things to check, like how am I going to get this paid for, which curriculum am I going to go for, etc. The school I am looking at Colgate Rochester, is Baptist by tradition. I can either go for my MDiv and become a minister or a MA in Religion and tie it into my MSW. They have a MA program in Religion with emphasis on Gender and Women's Study and that really intrigues me. Like I said, I just have some "small" things to work out. If that doesn't pan out, I don't know what I will do. I don't even physically know if I can DO school because of my not being able to sit. I am going to go sometime in the next few weeks and spend a day there and see how it pans out.

If that doesn't work, then I don't know what I will do. I really need a way to make money and I was offered a per diem position, but don't know much about it because I haven't pursued it. I really can't sit for long. In fact, I can't do much for long and it's very exasperating. Anyway, I don't want to turn this into a woe is me post.

So, that is the news. I will update as we go along, but I do know that SSD isn't coming anytime soon and my baby is going to Kindergarten next year and I just can't SIT all day waiting for my kids to come home.


Tuesday, May 27, 2008

In Memorium....

I think if you click on the actual pictures, you can see them closer up. It is still really hard for me to go there and actually see the stone there. I cry everytime. I miss my grandfather so much, although I am really glad that he's not suffering anymore. I ran through the scenerio of his dying so many times in my mind over the past few years that to have it be real just makes it more painful. Sometimes I wish we were back to it not being real. My grandfather was my hero. He was in WWII and worked hard his whole life. I can only hope to be like him in my lifetime. I miss you grandpa.

Both sides together.

My grandfather's side alone...

Katie placing the flag!

Monday, May 26, 2008

I hate blogger sometimes

And this is one of them! I wanted to do a nice remembrance of my grandfather since they just laid down his gravemarker and the pretty flowers that we put there along with a flag since he was a staff Seargant in WWII, but blogger won't let me upload any pics right now. So, I will have to try again tomorrow.

I hope you all had a nice day. We went to a parade this morning and then went to my Grandfather's grave to put flowers there with a flag. Yesteday, I took some flowers to plant at my father's grave.

Anyway, be on the lookout for some pics of the beautiful marker my family picked to honor my grandfather.

And I will be making a HUGE announcement in the coming days! I have made a major life decision in the past few weeks, that has kept me up at night and made me really prayed a lot. But I still have some more work to do on my end to finish up before the announcement!


Sunday, May 11, 2008

Trying to fix it!

I am aware that the slideshow is huge and I am trying to fix it! Bear with me and if anyone has any idea's on how to make is smaller, let me know OK? Now scroll down and enjoy the show!

Lake Placid Camping Trip

It was the Bomb! There is a story behind the first pic....notice one child sleeping bag next to the adult sleeping bag? You know what should be there right? 2 adult sleeping bags, zipped together, creating a nice bed for 2 adults. But, a certain 5 year old, in a very tentative voice began the first night with, "Mommy, it's dark in here" Mommy, this isn't home", "Mommy, can I sleep with you?" So, I slept on top, Katie and Mama slept in their bags and Gillian slept on bottom. Other than the fact that I can't walk, this trip was the BOMB! We visited the Ausuble River, Whiteface Mountain and the many Olympic sites...the tall ski jumps, the luge run, etc. Everything was closed, but just seeing it was so cool! And the kids....they got along, Gillian and Katie were good and it was just a great trip! It will take me some time to recover....but it was worth it! Enjoy the video!

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

PreSchool Fun

There is nothing sweeter in this world than seeing your child singing and having a great time. Her class put on a great parent appreciation party today. In the first song they were singing about friends and in the last one, they were driving cars and putting glasses, scarves, hats, etc,....on. It was too cute for words. We had such a great time watching it. I can't believe that my baby is going to Kindergarten next year, ALL DAY!

On another note, all the pretty fabric that I have ammassed has been packaged up and is flying through the air to a new home to those who sew much better than I. Sad? No way! I will be getting the fabrics back, in great new outfits for Katie! I think I am really going to concentrate on quilting for now. I really enjoy it more and I feel more satisfied when I do it. I will keep learning how to sew clothing, but I get very defeated very quickly when I see people sew outfits that take one afternoon while the same thing takes me weeks. I have Katie's quilt top done, just need to fill it, back it and quilt it. I am really struggling with what to do. Not sure whether I am good enough to stipple or stick to stitch in the ditch. It's really appealing to take it down to the quilt shop and have them put it on their machine. But that would be cheating.....


Friday, May 02, 2008

Another one of those days

This is going to be a blah post, so feel free to skip right over it. I woke up this morning, not feeling myself. I hate those days. Just hate them. Yesterday my daughter was gay bashed at school and I am so angry about it. I feel so powerless. I hate those kids that did it. 2 seperate incidents! At least the teacher that heads up their GSA is going to the principal about it, but I want to storm in there and demand that they do something to make my daughter SAFE! It doesn't help that she is really struggling with normal teen stuff....peers and fitting in, but then to get this on top of it just put her over the edge. To see her tear stained face when I picked her up just about broke my heart. I am learning though, that I can't just rush and help, I have to let her work things out for herself. Don't read that I won't do something if I think it needs parental assistance, but I feel as though the real power she gets is taking the issue and doing something about it. It's that tightrope balancing act that we as parents have to do with our teens. I will be talking with the advisor to see where he got with administration, but if that doesn't work, then the head of the LGBTQ Center that she goes to, Cheryl and I will be heading in to speak with the principal. I really hope that it doesn't have to escalate any further than that. Anyway, good thoughts for our up and coming queer kids are appreciated. Kids can be so cruel can't they?

This whole thing of course set off her colitis and she missed work. They were so good about it, but she just started and I hate to see her lose her job. When I talked with the manager this morning (went in to get my coffee) she said that if she had shown up to work sick, they would have sent her home. I felt better about that.

So, back to me. I am just feeling blah today. Worrying about the world and everyone in it. I would like to just sit back and read, but Katie is off today and we are working on a secret project (Can't tell you just yet)! So, I am off to face the world.


Friday, April 25, 2008

Summer is a comin'

My very first dress. Of course there is a story behind this. This is supposed to be a tiered shirt that goes over a pair of capri's. The capri's are now the third tier of the dress since I messed them up so badly. I do have more material to make the capri's and will just so I can learn how to, but geesh, it's a lot harder than it looks, let me tell ya! I still have to fuss with the ruffle on the dress, but I am pretty proud of my first dress!

And of course all dresses must pass the twirlability test in our house!

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Too many bows?

Is there such a thing as too many bows? Nah! Here are all the bows that I have ammassed over the course of my clothing addiction for Katie. I have found some wonderful women on the loops that I belong too that have made these for us over the years. I always sell off the bows that go with the outfits, so you can only imagine how many bows there would be if I didn't do that. And I have gone to having 2 bows made because for some reason Katie's hair does much better in 2 pony's than one.

Here is Katie waiting for the bus! I bought this dress 2 years ago when I friend of mine went to the Hanna outlet for me! Then, last year when we went to the high scale outlet mall and ended up at a Mall in Westchester with a Hanna store, I bought the shorts that I thought matched it along with the socks. Well, they don't match exactly, but it's good enough for me! And see the bows? They were made to go with another outfit, but they went well enough for me with this one!

And I am still sewing. I am putting the finishing touches on another dress that I made. It started out as a shirt with capri's under it. I messed up badly on capri's (going to try again), but a good seamstress doesn't throw away her fabric, she just takes it and adds it to the dress. I am just adding the bottom ruffle and then going to take another crack at the capri's. It's going to be darn cute if I do say so myself! And I still have that Easter dress to finish! I WILL FINISH IT if it's the last thing I do! LOL!


Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Still sewing

Sorry I haven't been around. I have been busy trying to recover from the trip! I'ts definately taken a toll on my body. This is the first time we have gone somewhere since my back surgery and it was rough. Sitting in a car for 7 hours and then sleeping in a different bed. Not to mention all the running around I had to do when I got back. I still have several project out there in sewing land that I am trying to finish up. But, until I am done with those, here are some pictures from our trip!

For some reason Gillian felt the need to "kiss" all the animals! She asked me to take pics to send to her friends. 15 year olds sure can be weird!

Look at the size of that Hippo!

Katie all ready for her big day at the zoo!

Vegged out in front of a video in the car!

So there you have it, a snap shot view of our trip. I am almost finshed with my first dress/capri set so I better get moving while I have the time to sew!

Sunday, April 13, 2008


We are having a BLAST in DC! We got in yesterday and are visiting with Cheryl's brother. We drove down with Cheryl's mom and other than a small glitch of MIL not understand why Katie has to ride in a car seat, it went well. I have to admit that traveling with 2 kids almost 11 years apart is a challenge. Katie is asleep at 8:30PM and Gillian was busy text messaging her friends until the wee hours of the morning. Since MIL is paying for our hotel room, we are all in the same room. UGH and double UGH! But, it's been fun anyway.

Since I can't do a lot of walking, we drove from Springfield VA (where BIL lives) to the National Zoo. We got lost and I got some great pics from driving around the city. There is a metro station right across the street from our hotel, but I knew that I wouldn't be able to walk from the metro stop to the zoo and then walk around the zoo. I did that a few years ago and could barely do it, so I knew I wouldn't be able to do it. And because there are so many of us, we had to take 2 cars. Well, BIL got lost but it was fine with me! I got to see the Washington Monument, the Iwo Jima statue, some protesters downtown and lots of great sights in Georgetown. It was great! And of course there was the ZOO! I got some great pics (that I will DL when I get home) of the kids at the zoo. We saw the panda's, elephants, a HUGE hippo and lots of other animals. We really had a great time.

We got lost heading home, so I got to see some more sights then too! Tomorrow, Cheryl, Katie, MIL, BIL and his son are heading downtown on the metro to go to the Spy Museum while I go with Gillian and SIL to a great mall that has a Hanna Andersson store! I am so excited! An actual Hanna store. Good thing I saved a little of that money my grandpa left for me. I may end up taking the Metro downtown later to meet up with Cheryl and Katie and go on one of those tours, but we'll see how tired I am. Truth be told, the ride down was very unpleasant on my back and sleeping in a strange bed doesn't help either (and having a teenager tap, tap, tapping on her phone till all hours doesn't help either)

So, look for some great pics when we get back. I didn't think to bring the cord to upload....sorry! I will talk with you all when I get back on Tuesday. I am checking e-mal if you need to get ahold of me though!


Friday, April 11, 2008

More inner musings....reading

Although this one is less maudlin. I think there are going to be lots of nuggets coming out of my mind over the next few months.

Anyway, growing up, I always loved to read. I would go into a panic if there wasn't a book for me to read (and still do). Now that I have money (well kind of anyway) I always have a big stack of books next to my bed to get through.The library is my best friend! And I am always reading. I am the person who reads at stop lights when they are red (and have trained my 5 year old to tell me when the light turns green). I read whenever I can. Now, that doesn't mean that I don't do other things, but reading takes me to a place where nothing else can. Like Anna Quindlen states in her book, Living Out Loud, "I still read constantly: if my kids ever go into analysis, I'm sure they will say they don't really remember my face because it was always hidden by a book. Obviously this is in part because I like books. But another reason is that I like to be alone. I like to go deep inside myself and not be accompanied there by anyone else. But I am the oldest of 5 children (so am I), and when I was young, I had about as much chance of being alone as I did of being a lion tamer. Reading was for me then a way of lifting myself out of a crowded environment into a place where I could be by myself"

When I read this, it was like a light bulb went off in my head. I love the place that reading takes me to. Whether it's fiction or non-fiction, I love all things books. I used to make myself read a book cover to cover, even if I didn't like it. Now, I know that time is too precious to waste on something that I really don't like. But, there is nothing like being transported from this world, directly into another. A world that is quiet and where I can be alone, even if it's just for 5 minutes.

So many books, so little time is my motto....


Monday, April 07, 2008

Making connections

I could have titled this one, Psychic Pain, but went with Connections instead. This is going to be a very painful post for me to write, but I really feel that if I don't get these words out of me, they will eat me from the inside out.

Life has been very rough for me for a while. I can't even pinpoint when the downward slide began, but it's been a while. I am very depressed, and spend a lot of my energy covering that up so that people don't know, although I would guess that those who know me well, know this. I feel like that commercial for Cym*alta lately. You know the one that goes, "Depression hurts?" I could go on and on about what I think is making me depressed, but I think there are 3 things that I can put my finger on. 4 very significat trauma's that have occurred that are all colliding at once and causing me deep psychic pain.

1)My father's death. Some people would say, "Hey, it's been 30 years, let it go already", but it's just not that east. I thought my father would save me from the hell hole that I was living in at the time. Living with an abusive stepfather and an overwhelmed mother. My father's death was single handedly one of the most traumatic events in my life. He was killed in an explosion where he worked when I was 10. Even just thinking about when I was told her was dead can still bring tears to my eyes. It's not just his death that plays into my depression, but the loss of my fantasy that he would take me out of the hell hole that I lived in. He was my LAST resort. And in one fell swoop, POOF, it was gone. I think, no, I know, my ability to trust was badly damaged by this. To say that I miss him is a gross understatement. And with my grandfather's recent death, this drags it all back up again. Opening doors that I thought were shut. Letting those feeling back in and that pain back in.

2)I don't know how much I can talk about this one, but it will be something that I will be journaling about. When I was 14, I met a woman that I started babysitting for. I was just beginning to question my sexuality and was pretty sure that I was a lesbian, although I didn't have a name for it. I knew that I was attracted emotionally to woman more than me, especially woman teachers. I think there was probably some sexual attraction too. So, this woman that I met when I was 14, started what I know now to "groom" me. She paid a lot of attention to me and even though she was dating and sleeping with a man, she started to treat me differently than the other kids in her house. She was a foster mother and in addition to her one biological child, she had several foster children, some young, some teens. I always got special attention. I was attracted to her, I guess you could say I had a crush and was infatuated with her. She knew this and used this. I started to babysit for her and if she would be out late, I would spend the night. Sometimes, I would sleep on the pull out couch if she was bringing her boyfriend home, but if not, I shared her bed. At 15, she finally started to abuse me. At the time, I saw it as love and she really played that up. There is a lot more to this, such as bringing me into her relationship with this man she was involved with and "dumping me" off and on that left me with such grief, that to this day I don't know that I will ever be able to be heathy in a relationship. I feel tainted and dirty. And you can tell me that I was used and abused and that none of it was my fault and intellectually I know this, emotionally, it has left deep scars that I don't know will ever be able to heal from. It impacts who I am as a person, woman and lover to the core. There are too many "unsaids" that I don't want to make public, but this is just an overview. I was robbed of my adolesence. It dawned on me today, my oldest is 15, the same age as I was when the abuse started. It makes a lot of sense to me now, this psychic pain that I have been going through. I see so much of myself in her (my 15 year old) and I feel so strongly the need to protect her from all of the evils in the world. I know that it's true, that when your child is the age you were when you were abused, it tends to bring up all the feelings and hurts that occured when you were that age. I just never really thought about it until now. I have a lot of work to do. A lot of healing. I have been spending a lot of time trying to get out of my own skin. I can't even expain how it feels to be me right now. I feel as though I am that skinny, moody 15 year old all over again, and it hurts really badly. Sometimes it hurts to badly that I just want to leave and get away from everyone and everything. I feel as though I can't be the partner I should be and certainly not the mother my kids deserve. My brain feels so full of pain that I feel as though I am robbing everyone of myself. Including me. I walk around feeling so angry, I know it radiates off me. No wonder our house is a mess of human emotions just flying around. I certainly haven't been a good role model to either one of my children in teaching them how to manage their own emotions. Just look at their mother. This is all I can really say about this issue although the roots are deeply painful and this is just a skim off the top of what happened. This "relationship" went on for 10 years. It wasn't until my 15 year old was born that I realized that I was not going to raise her in this kind of environment. (My ex and I were exclusive for the last 6 years of our "relationship) How sad is that? I couldn't even leave a damaging relationship for myself, but I thank my lucky stars that I could for my child. To give her the chance to be raised by a parent that could model good parenting.

3)Being discrimated against. There is an issue that is going on in my church where I am being discriminated against because of my sexuality. It is draining on my soul. My church is my second home, one of the places that I feel safe and now that safety is being challenged. I have faith in God that this will work out and that the church will do what is right for them. I have been trying to pray a lot. Pray that God will give me the guidance I so deeply need right now. To do the right thing and know what the right thing is. To give me the patience I need to be a good mother and good partner and to give me the grace to be a better person overall.

4) Being disabled - This is probably the biggest current one right now. Still waiting to hear about SSD and still struggling financially. I said to Cheryl the other night that if people don't believe me, I would love for them to live in my body, just one day. To feel the pain that I feel, just for one day. To feel the humilation that I feel because I can't do the things that other people my age can do. I hate walking with a cane, but if I don't, then I run the chance of falling. I want to work. I miss it badly. Thinking about working makes me feel tired. But I feel as though I am letting my family down by not working. We have to go without so much. I know that I have written about this a million times, so I am not going to go through it again. Let's suffice it to say that it's something that I pray about every day. Asking God to please give me a body that doesn't betray me. Because this one does. For those of you who read me and deal with chronic pain, you know exactly what I mean.

If you've read this far, thank you. I feel drained now, but in a good way. I will be writing more privately about my abuse, but I hope telling as much of my story that I did will help anyone reading this that is either going through it or have been through it. Words are very powerful and used in the right way, helpful.

I really want to be happy again. I want to be pain free, both physically and psychically. I want to smile again and be a good role model to my children. I don't want them to see me fighting with my partner. I want them to see a healthy and wholesome relationship. I want to act with grace and dignity. I want to be the partner who gives something instead of always taking. I want to be the mother who can be there for her kids in all ways. I really, really just want to be a healthy and happy ME!


Sunday, March 30, 2008

Updates...and more

Sorry to keep you all hanging but I have been waiting to hear back from the MD before I wrote anything. Still haven't heard back officially, but while we were there at his office he was pretty sure that Gillian doesn't have leukemia or any other form of cancer. She still needs to go for her colonoscopy to rule out colon cancer, but I am no longer worried about this. Whew. I do have to say that there is nothing quite like walking into a Hemotology outpatient clinic. The first thing that I saw was a little bald headed boy hooked up to his medication and my heart just sank. I just started to bargain with God saying, "Please, please don't let Gillian had leukemia or cancer, or, or, or..." and when the MD said he was 99.9% certain that she didn't, I actually felt guity along with the relief. How many parents didn't get that news and walked out of there overwhelmed and devistated? We did go for more blood work and we actually sat with the MD at his microscope and looked at Gillian's blood under the scope with him. She still has a high eosinophil count, probably due to her Ulcerative Colitis and she's still anemic, but they will follow her and try and figure out the anemia and keep an eye on the eosinophil count. She has a new diagnosis to add to her list.....Eosinophilia. Just basically a high eosinophila count.

I am continuing to sew. I made a halter top to go with the skirt below, but it still needs some tweaking. I bought some elastic thread to try my hand at shirring, so I will let you all know how that works out. I do have to admit that I haven't worked on "the" Easter dress. At which point does one throw in the towel? Well, too many people have helped me gain valuable expertise on this dress, so no throwing in the towel for me! I will tackle it again tomorrow. I also started working on a mystery quilt. I only had to go out and buy 1 yard (1/2 yard of 2 different fabrics) that I didn't already have. I must be building quite a stash as they say. I bought a purse pattern to use some of the fabric that I have that I don't want to sew clothing with and want to try my hand at that.

I had another exciting thing happen tonight, but I am not ready to share yet. All I can say is that there are some exciting things in store for me apparently. Stay tuned...

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Why I haven't been online!

I have been working in this skirt!

While I love the colors, I think it's way to short. I haven't put the elastic in yet, as I am waiting for Katie to get home from school to measure her waist. I bought this pattern from
You Can Make This and the directions are excellent. The problem is that the length of the skirt comes from the top tier and I was afraid that one pattern would over power the skirt so I only cut it to what it said. I measured and remeasured, but they were accurate, so I think the next time I make this skirt, I will add 2 more tiers and get more length that way. The problem is the tiers are so tightly ruffled together that they bunch up and that takes away from the length. I think I will also add some cute ruffle accents next time too, now that I know how to put the skirt together! The bottom ruffle alone is almost 3 feet long before ruffling!

Which brings me to the magic of the ruffler foot! It's a special foot for your machine that creates ruffles and pleats so there is no more pulling strings and trying to get things just right. You can even go to the above mentioned web site and DL a free tutorial on how to use a ruffling foot. Came in very handy for me.

The other reason I haven't been online is that Gillian has been sick. She is severly anemic and had a really funky blood test result that could mean many things, one of them cancer so we are going to the hemotology dept at the local Children's Hospital today for an appointment there. If you are a praying person, please send prayers our way that this is something else and not cancer. Good thoughts, positive energy, etc would be gratefully accepted too. I am scared out of my mind!

So, how's that for an update? Sorry to keep you all hanging, but it's been a zoo and I feel like the monkey!

Now, back to the Easter Dress.....yes, you read that right. Maybe it will be ready for next Easter?


Sunday, March 09, 2008


I am supposed to be working on Katie's Easter dress, but instead, I am finding all sorts of things I don't really have to do and doing them anyway. I got the collar on (with a lot of help from my MIL)and I have to trim the excess away and start the sleeves. I am not looking forward too it. I know what I have to do, I just don't know if I can do it. I can't do the spacial stuff, like sewing on the right side to right side and see it come out right. I think I like quilting much more, and don't ask me why it's so much easier to do that. Maybe because I actually pick patterns that I can do instead of something that is way too hard? Well, it looked easy and pretty on the package anyway!

On a good note, I won a prize from Fabric Bliss and am really excited. You see, I have all these grand plans in mind when it comes to clothes and yes, they do come out cute when they are finished. It's just getting them finished.

So, before I go and play an online game, let me close this out, get up from the computer and go to the sewing area and get that dress done! Keep your eye out for pictures!


Friday, February 29, 2008

The most AWESOMEST fabric on the net....

Come from Fabric Bliss ! I just got 4 more yards of some sumptous fabric and am waiting on a Euro order so that I can finish some great summer outfits for Katie. I know that some of you have asked where I find such great fabric and this is the place. I've never had an order messed up and I always love what I get. And if you are looking for the best price around, this is it.

So? What are you waiting for? Head on over and buy some fabric!


Thursday, February 28, 2008

Happy Birthday Katie!

Although Katie wasn't feeling well, we went into school just to share snack with her friends and then came home to rest. After that, we took her for a day of beauty! She has always wanted to go to L*bby Lu's and so we fulfilled her wish. She wasn't feeling the best, but had a shake at J*hnny R*ocket's and then off we went to have the makeover. Grandma S came with us and that just made it extra special. She wore the shirt that a friend of ours made for her to match a pair of pants that we already had. As you can tell from the pictures, she definately was "princess for a day"! The only thing she didn't do was go through with getting her ears pierced (which I wasn't really disappointed with truth be told). Gillian was 5 when she got hers done and we told Katie that she could have hers done too. She got another W*bkinz from Grandma and some money to buy anther one! Pretty soon we won't be able to keep up with all these critters on the puter.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY "BABY"! I love you sweetheart. I can't believe 5 years ago yesterday I was hearing your first cries and nursing you for the first time. You are growing into such a sweet little girl. You have a heart of gold and are such a good friend. You care so much about people's feelings. You love school, are already adding and subtracting and learning to read. Everyday you say or do something that just makes me shake my head in wonder at how smart and cute you are. I look forward to another year of watching you grow. I love you!

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Now it's my computer

That died that is. Cheryl went out and bought me a new one, so I am in business again. But, with the dead computer went all my favorites which I am trying to restore, so if you would be so kind as to send me your blog links so I can add them to my favorites, I would greatly appreciate it. Please send them along to wendy6gill@aol.com I am going to try and see if I can get anything off the other computer before we have someone look at it and try and restore it. I can't seem to keep a computer for more than 2 years before they bite the dust.

Anyway, I don't have much energy to blog about anything else. I am still grieving pretty hard and don't have much to say right now.

I will be looking for your blog address's though....please do send them along as I am missing my friends and really want to check in with you all! Thanks


Thursday, February 14, 2008

In Loving Memory

Of my Beloved Grandfather

Raymond R. Walters Sr.
February 13, 2008 Raymond R. Walters Sr., 83, of Baldwinsville, passed away Wednesday, February 13, 2008. Born in Syracuse, he worked as a supervisor for the Syracuse Housing Authority for many years. He was a member of the Elmwood Fish & Game Club. He en-joyed his summers fishing at his camp in Canada and his winters at his home in Steinhatchee, FL. He was a staff sergeant for the Army Air Corps during WWII and also served in the Air National Guard, Syracuse. Survivors include his wife, Thelma M. Walters of 61 years; two daughters, Patricia A. Walters, Sharon J. Walters; one son, Raymond R. (Nancy) Walters Jr.; two sisters, Virginia Hobson, Betty (Dick) Bassett; two brothers, Ronald, Robert (Lottie); 11 grandchildren; 16 great-grandchildren; and several nieces and nephews. Calling hours will be Sunday, February 17 from 2 to 4 p.m. at the Butler-Badman Funeral Home, Inc., 4504 W. Seneca Turnpike (Rt. 175), Syracuse. The funeral will be Monday, February 18 at 10 a.m. at the funeral home. Burial will follow at White Chapel Cemetery, DeWitt. Butler-Badman Funeral Home, Inc. ONONDAGA HILL

I couldn't even write this yesterday. Even something so expected is incredibly hard. I go from being numb, to sad, to numb again. I know that I have mentioned more than once that my grandfather was like a father to me. My father died when I was 10 and my grandfather has always been there for me. I miss him so much. My heart aches with how much I miss him already.

On Friday he was admitted to the hospital with pneumonia and it was grave. I was traveling to a children's museum with Cheryl and Katie, Gillian had just left to go out of town. When we got back, I raced up to the hospital only to find him sitting up eating! I breathed a huge sigh of relief when my cousin John said that he'd probably be released in a couple of days. But his poor body and lungs just couldn't take it anymore. He'd had a rough night Monday night and by Tuesday couldn't come off the CPAP machine. Discussions with my Uncle, Grandmother, my mother and Aunt has already been had about no DNR and no mask. On Tuesday around 3PM my sister called me to tell me that my mother was getting picked up to go up to the hospital to say her goodbyes. Not long after, my mother called me saying that Grandpa wanted us all up there. I went up there and got to say goodbye. I thanked him for everything he'd done for me and told him that I was so thankful to have such a wonderful grandfather. He said "I tried" and then told me that he was proud of me and who I had become" He told me to tell Cheryl, Gillian and Katie Jo that he loved them.

The hospital was wonderful. They brought us food and took such good care of him. They were compassionate and caring. After everyone got to the hospital and said their goodbye's, respitory therapy came in and took off the mask, much to his relief. They already had him on a morphone drip and he was comfortable. They changed him over to a regular mask just giving him oxygen and made him comfortable. Little by little everyone said goodbye and went home. I think for me that was the most painful part. Knowing it was the final goodbye. I cried as I went to pick Gillian up and when I got home, went to bed, waiting for the phone call. That phone call came at 6:45am. He died at 6:15AM with my Uncle and Grandmother by his side. He passed peacefully. Right now, I have so much pain inside, but as the days go on, I will be blogging about the wonderful stories I have about my grandfather. It's just too painful to do right now. Please keep my family in your thoughts and prayers. Especially my Grandmother who just lost her husband of 61 years and my Mother, Uncle and Aunt who lost their father and of course the rest of us grandchildren and great grandchildren who just lost one of the most precious people in our lives.


Monday, February 11, 2008

Medical woes

I try really hard not to talk a whole lot about medical stuff here, but it's really the only place I have to talk about it. I can't even remember if I mentioned that I spent 5 days in the hospital the week before last with no feeling in my right leg. It just went. It was the scariest thing I have ever experienced. My back surgeon (who did my laminectomy and fusion) says that although there is some imflamation in L5, that didn't cause the lack of feeling. Apparently it doesn't matter that I have had pain in this leg since the surgery. It's not coming from his surgery! So, they sent the neurologist in to see me and they did an MRI of the back, the brain and upper neck. Nothing. I had to be doped up pretty good to get into that machine, but it really was OK. I guess I am just getting more and more used to things that I wasn't able to tolerate before. The neurologist is ruling out MS by getting all my previous records, but there doesn't seem to be any findings of that.

Where is Dr. House when you need him? I really need someone to figure out why I never really recovered from this back surgery. I do have the feeling back in my leg, but there is some permanent loss and I can tell because of the pressure foot of the sewing machine. Not enough to impede my driving though right now. I had PT coming out 3 days a week and I keep doing my exercises faithfully, because when they were talking about seeing if my insurance would cover a wheelchair, well, I just wanted to die. At least that isn't something that I need to worry about now.

I do think it was the babysitting that did me in. I guess I really can't work. It's very difficult for me to accept. I need to be productive. I need to be someone again. Not just the pieces that I feel I have become.