Sunday, August 16, 2009

Clothing addiction

Yes, I have one! I went to the Boden warehouse sale and got about $900 worth of clothes (for next year) for $160! Including in this was a great long wool duffle coat that resales for $88. I was stoked. The rest of the stuff that I got was for next summer and fall.

I placed my Mini Boden order and bought mostly pants and was really disappointed when they came. The only pants that really fit well are the Lined Cord Baggies and Heart Knee Patch pants. The rest of them got sent back. I will be showing you all a fashion show at some point when I the moon aligns and Katie is willing. LOL! Our good friend Kate from Monkeysbug tee's (google her seriously...she makes the most adorable stuff) and she made Katie a First Grade Rocks tee with jeans that have awesome appliques on them to match. She threw in a cute headband to boot. I can't wait fo the first day of school. I also had Francoise Lama Solet make us a couple of cute outfits. One if for summer and one is for winter. We just got the summer one and the winter one is on it's way. And I am getting ready to put in my order for She has the most incredible stuff. I have to wait for my refund from my Boden duds before I can put in my other order. Gap also has some very cute fall stuff. They had some cute tunic tops with opposite capri's that look a lot like Hanna Andersson's Play All Day Sets. They are really thin compared to Hanna's but they are cute. I still have some cute Hanna's from last year that will fit.

Did I mention that Katie doesn't really need anything? Gillian either, but they both get a ton every year. Anyway, I will put pictures up as they come. I still have pictures from Dutch Wonderland and Lancaster PA. They are on the computer, I just need to get them up!

What to do?

I think I mentioned a year or so ago that there was stuff going on in our church that pretty much centered around me, or to be specific, my being gay. So, I need to tell the story because I don't want it to get lost and truth be told, it's still affecting me today.

About 1.5 years ago, a position opened up on the board for Staff Support Chair. This pretty much entailed doing what I had done most of my life. Let me just interject here that we had just hired a new pastor. I think you will understand why this is significant down the road. Anyway, if I were to take on this new position in the church, you have to be an ordained elder. This would be the first problem. I brought my concerns to the moderator who assurred me that it wouldn't be an issue in the church and I really think he believed that, since our mission statement specifically states that our church doesn't discriminate on the basis of sexual orientation.

So, guess what? It turns out that it was a big issue. Our church is a combined combination of a presbytarian and baptist congregation. And there are some little words(well actually they are regular print, but should be in bold) in the Presbytarian Book or Order that says Ordained Elders have to follow certain rules, like chastity in singleness and fidelity in marriage. You would think this wouldn't be a problem since I have never cheated on Cheryl, but you would be wrong. Because they define marriage as between a man and a woman. Oh yes, they do. But you aren't suprised are you?

Lots of folks at our church thought, well, we are progressive, so what's the big deal? The big deal was that our new pastor wasn't willing to put her own ordination on the line and ordain me. So began a loooong process of convening a task force to look at the issue, letters being written (and some of those were really, really hard to hear, I have to tell you)

All this time folks were checking in on me and making sure that I was OK with everything going on and I just said yes, because who really wants to hear no. Many dear friends have left the church over this issue and it pains me to my core. Many good friends have stayed.

So, why did I stay? I really don't know how to answer this question. Part of me feels as though I had to stay to show everyone that I was OK, that "I" wasn't going to drag a church through the grindstone and then desert them. But that is what I feel like doing. I still harbor a lot of anger towards the pastor, who could have stood up for me and for GLBT folks. I am still filled with grief over folks who have left and wish everyday that I had the guts to stand up and say, "You know, I am done with this, I am sorry for everything that has happened, but I just can't stay." I feel as though by my staying I am not standing up for what happend to me.

I am sure as you are reading this (if I have readers left) that you can hear the pain in my words. That you can tell that I am conflicted and that I really don't know what to do. I feel by staying that I am saying, "What you did to me was OK" and you know what? It wasn't.

It's so damn complicated. I think this issue is keeping me from moving forward in my relationship with God. Maybe I just am not the church going type? Maybe I need to find another church? I really don't know. I just know that I always attend church with a smile on my face and tears in my heart......