Monday, July 31, 2006

Give me 5

I got this from Casey's Blog
today so here goes:

5 Things in my purse:
* pair of Blue's Clue's underwear
* brush
* badge for work
* calculator
* scraps of paper with book titles on them (one's that I want to read)

5 Things always in my wallet:
* Debit Card
* library car
* Check book
* Pen
* Medical cards

5 Things always in my refrigerater
* Yogurt
* Bagels
* Milk
* Cheese
* watermelon

5 Things in my closet
* Clothes
* Shoes
* Extra blankets
* Kids hope boxes
* Old clothes on shelves (Hey, they might fit oneday)!

5 Things in my car
* Toys
* Pens
* Paper (for Katie to draw on)
* Books
* Handicapp tag

5 Things on my desk
* Comptuer paper
* Printer
* Piles of things to file
* Books that I *will* read someday
* The garbage can (because our freak cat likes to chew on the plastic liner)

As I was told, if you are reading this, you are officially get to it!

Friday, July 28, 2006

Just so you know...

We aren't catching a break yet. I was supposed to take the car in yesterday to have it inspected. The Kia place down the street was running a special and you could get a free inspection. Well, because I am having an emotional breakdown, I completely forgot, (more like didn't give a shit) about getting the car inspected yesterday. Cheryl called me this morning to remind me of this fact and of course I started to cry and remind her what a burden I was and whydoyoubothertostaywithmeIamsuchaloseranyway! SO, I get my act together, ask my neighbor to watch Katie (because getting myself to the Monroe place is hard enough on my own, please don't ask me to entertain a 3 year old while I am there) And yes, notice the change in venue. Can't get in to the Kia place because they are full until Tuesday and then it's too late. And since we paid a $50 fine for Cheryl not having her car inspected last month, we are loathe to repeat that mistake.

Well never fear dear readers....I did indeed get a free inspection. But that's only because I had to pay $357.00 for 4 new tires because the old ones wouldn't pass.

So. Let me just sum up here...denied SSD, no money and then yes, needing to pay $357 for 4 new tires. And $15 for babysitting because I was gone almost 2 hours!

Cheryl assures me that everything is going to be OK and quite honestly I have to believe her. Because if I don't, well I can't go crazy, because I am already there!

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Not giving up yet

OK...I am still here. Not that there was anywhere for me to run to and escape from myself anyway. I talked with my MD yesterday and she says that we will appeal and that basically the judge we pulled thinks that women who file for SSD, who have small kids, just want to find a way to subsidize their being able to stay home and not work outside the home. I told her that the judge knew that I was working as many hours as I could. She just told me that he's an ass. So, while we are going to appeal, I am also going to reapply and hope that we draw a different judge. The only bad thing is that if I win with my new application, I don't get any back SSD. But at least I will have SSD right?

My anxiety and depression have gone through the roof. I called around trying to get a psychiatry appointment yesterday but it seems as though most of the private psychiatrist's in my area charge the patient and then give you the papers to file with the insurance to get reimbursed. Well, sorry, we don't have $225 to shell out of pocket. So, I called my primary MD and spoke with him. I assured him that I wasn't suicidal (which I am not) but just crippled with anxiety which then makes me depressed and he gave me a script for Klonopin. I will start that tonight. I already take a mild dose of xanax (which up until last week was working fine) but apparently this is a longer acting anti-anxiety. Then I will go in and see him next week. I told him that I really thought that this was all because of my abrupt entrance into menopause and he tended to agree. I have the worst heart palpatations, especially in the middle of the night. They started a few months ago, and the first 2 times I ended up at the ER. Now I know that they are a symptom of menopause, not that it makes it any better. The depression and anxiety are also a by product I believe, because it seems to hit me worse when I am having continuous hot flashes, which then bring on migranes. The state hospital is also running a new clinic for people who have treatment resistant depression and anxiety. They are sending me the papers to see if I am eligible for their study. Being that I am a therapist by trade, I am feeling very vulnerable in putting my mental health stuff out there. I am supposed to help people with these issues, not be one of them.

I am a mess people. I just want ME back. Not the person I am now. I am miserable, and therefore, making all those around me miserable. I don't want to be like this. If anyone has any suggestions, if you have been there and done that, I am all ears.

10 reasons gay marriage will ruin our society.

10 reasons gay marriage will ruin our society

01) Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things
like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.

02) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that
hanging around tall people will make you tall.

03) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy
behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing
and can sign a marriage contract.

04) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn’t changed at all;
women are still property, blacks still can’t marry whites, and divorce is
still illegal.

05) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed;
the sanctity of Britany Spears’ 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be

06) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples,
infertile couples, and old people shouldn’t be allowed to marry because our
orphanages aren’t full yet, and the world needs more children.

07) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents
only raise straight children.

08 ) Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the
values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That’s why we have
only one religion in America.

09) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at
home. That’s why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise

10) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt
to new social norms. Just like we haven’t adapted to cars, the service-sector
economy, or longer life spans.

This was brought to you from another blog, via my L-Moms group!

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

I give up.

I just got the judge's decision in the mail. I was denied social security. He basically took everything the was advantageous to him (the SSD doctor's exam) and used that to support his decision. I saw this MD ONE time. The report was filled with out and out lies. But, it told him what he wanted so that he could use that to deny me. And get this. He gave minimal weight to my therapist's report because I hadn't seen her in the 3 months before her wrote the report, but he gave great weight to my OLD primary MD and the rheumatologist in her office (that I saw once)but I hadn't seen them in over a YEAR AND A HALF! He gave no weight to my MD (who I see at least once a week lately)who of course said that I cannot work. I am so frustrated. I am so angry. And my faith in God has been severely shaken. I just held out so much hope that God would help this judge see that I am not lying and that I am in so much need.

Mind you, if I could work full time, I would. The last thing that I want is to live off the government. But by God I CANNOT work full time. I wasn't even asking them to rule that I was totally disabled, but PARTIALLY disabled. Does he really think that I went to college for 6 years to work in a profession that I love only to be sitting home on my butt because I am in CRIPLING pain?

I am just beyond words. Getting denied was one thing, seeing the twisted words and blatent lies is just painful. My attorney says we will appeal. She has suggested that I reapply in the meantime so that we have another avenue. But I am so tired of this shit. We have no money. None. Zip. Nada. And we won't be having any anytime soon. I give up.

Saturday, July 15, 2006

Could life get any better

My wife just handed me a plate of pene pasta mixed with cherry tomatoes, fresh mozzarella and fresh basil straight from the garden. She does love me! And I love her oh so much! Thanks hon!

Sunday, July 09, 2006

Bagel tree

Well, the bagel tree seeds have been planted so hopefully we will have a bagel tree growing in our backyard soon....

Katie and Cheryl were eating a sesame seed bagel yesterday and there were some seeds left on the plate when they were done. Katie got the great idea to plant those seeds so that we could grow a bagel tree....I will keep you all posted as to the results!

I just love this age! I love how 3 year olds think and what they's so innocent and precious.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Shame shame

This is what I am talking about. Such shame in this "great nation of ours"
Jewish family flee's school district

Next: Today's decision that my relationship can't be legal...been a week hasn't it?

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

My country tis of thee.....

Last night I was laying in bed listening to the fireworks being shot off somewhere near to us and I started to think about how I used to get a wiggly feeling in my stomach on the Fourth of July. When the stars and stripes were played, or the National Anthem, I would feel so proud. But, last night I wasn't feeling so proud of this country that I live in. And that makes me sad. Am I grateful that I live in a free country? Of course. Do I take it for granted? Yes, I do. But you see, I am one of the lucky ones.

We live in if not the wealthiest country in the world, one of the most wealthiest countries. But that is really a misnomer. Because for all the wealth of the United States of America, there are only a few who are significantly wealthy. The rest of us are either just getting by or out and out poor. And that my friends, is just plain sad. In a wealthy country such as ours, no one, child, adult, elderly should go to bed hungry. Or not have a home to live in, with safe, running water, heat in the winter and electricity. Do you think for a minute that those that hold the most wealth think about the poor, who have nothing, not even their most basic needs met? I don't think so. I don't really know what they think about, except maybe how they can hide their assest's so that they don't have to pay taxes on them.

We are fighting a war in a country we have no business being in. Every day innocent men, women and children are getting killed in a war that makes no sense to me. I am sure if you are reading this, then we are like minded in a lot of ways. If not, there really isn't much you can do to convince me that there is sense to this war. I cannot even begin to imagine the terror that the Iraq people feel to hear the bombs falling all around them. Wondering if they go out to get a loaf of bread, if they will come home alive. It's not something that most of us have ever had to worry about. Yet, if you think about it, in our inner cities, war is being raged in a whole other way. Wars of poverty reign high with kids thinking the only way they might be able to belong and be safe is to join a gang. Gangs are the new family. They have your back, but at what sacrifice? Turf wars, drug wars, everyday I get up and go to war, wars. This is what our young people have convinced themselves they need to do to survive. Sell some drugs, make some money, survive.

There has to be another way. This way isn't working. Kids are dying. It's not OK.

I remember having a conversation once with my Grandfather. Now, you have to remember, he's 82 so he grew up during the depression. He was poor. But, he got a job and worked hard. He pushed his family into working class and he lives comfortably now. He has no conception of the privilege he had by being young, white and male. He will tell you today that all you need to do is work hard. We have gone around and around about white male privledge. He doesn't get it. I don't know that I get it all the way either. But, I do know from working in social work (and I don't mean just sitting behind the desk) but getting out into the southwest side and really seeing poverty and the long term effects that it has on a person. How color really does make a difference in the opportunities presented to a person. How sex makes a difference in what occupations are presented as viable options.

How money makes the world go round.

If there is one thing that I do know, it's that we can't go on this way. Things have to change. We have to challenge ourselves to think broader, and in ways that might make us feel uncomfortable. Are you up for the challenge?

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Rainy days

You all remember that song Waterfall that Cris Williamson sings oh so beautifully? Starts like, "Sometimes, it takes a rainy day, just to let you know, everythings gonna be alright"? I love that song. And I love that song because for me, rainy days have always been soothing. I guess it's a good think I live in Upstate, NY where we get our fair share of rainy days. So, tonight it's raining. My children are sleeping and my wife is reading the newspaper and all is right with the world. Does this mean I am finally coming out of my funk? I sure hope so. I want to make this post about everything going to be alright.

So, one of the ways that I want to do this is to tell you about the good things in my life. I would like to start with my wife. I love her so very much. Oddly enough, our first date was a Cris Williamson concert. I actually met her through a local web site of women getting together and hanging out. The first time we met was at a breast cancer walk, but I didn't really talk with her then. A few nights later I was on the computer and saw that she was on IM. Now, a weird thing about that is she never IM's. So, I IM'd her and told her that I had an extra ticket to the Cris Williamson concert and asked her if she'd like to go. She said yes, and we planned on it. I remember taking Gillian over to my sister's for the night and then going to Cheryl's apartment. After getting lost, I finally found it, went up and she offered me a glass of water. We sat on her couch and talked and then I drove us to the concert. I was so nervous, my hands were shaking. We sat down and I was just in awe of her...Cheryl that is. I just remember this electricity going through me. We went out afterwards to a gay bar and just talked some more. I finally took her home and we hugged goodbye. I so didn't want to leave. When I got home that night I couldn't sleep. I finally e-mailed her and told her how I felt. She e-mailed me back and we went out on another date that next night with Gillian....we haven't been apart since. She is so strong and so wonderful to me. I can talk with her about things that I have never been able to talk with anyone else about, without feeling judged. Sure, she's human, we've had out moments, but even when things are bad, they are still good. I want to fight fair with her. I never want to hurt her and I make myself be mature. I have never been able to step back and really think about something I want to say before I say it until I met Cheryl. She brings such a calming influence into my life. Something I have always craved and needed but never knew how to achieve until I met her. Every day the one thing I look forward to is her walking through the door. Although I know that I can live without her and would if I had to, I don't want to. She is truly my life.

My children are another thing in life that I am grateful for. Although they can both give me a run for my money, I can't imagine life without either one of them. It's amazing to me that 2 children who both came from the same womb could be so different. Each one brings me joy in completely different ways. Gillian will always be my lawyer. She's got an arguement and she's sticking with it. While this can make for difficult parenting, she carries this over to her friendships and doesn't let anyone run over her. She knows what she wants and what is right for her and she sticks with it. If her friends do something that isn't right for her, she doesn't do it. And she tells them why it's not a good idea. I don't think she's lost very many friends because of it. They respect her too much. Gillian, being my first child has taught me so much about parenting. What I am doing right, and of course, what I am doing wrong. I will always be grateful to her for giving me the opportunity to get it right with her. Katie, is my peacemaker. She is so gracious. She thinks of other's feelings and is always trying to do the right thing. Yes, she is 3 and with that comes 3 year old behavior, but she gets it a lot of the time. I think learning from Gillian, the fine art of being consistent makes parenting Katie easier in some ways. I know now, why it's so important to be consistent. But, I think the one thing I am grateful for in parenting is knowing that I just have to be good enough and love my children. When I was pregnant with Katie I worried that I wouldn't love her as much as Gillian, but as my friends reassured me that with each subsequent child, your heart grows more and more. It is certainly true. I love my children with all of my heart.

Another thing that I have to be thankful for is the friendships that I have in my life. Both on line and off, friends are one of the dearest things that I have. My friend Judy is always there for me. We have been friends since the 6th grade. We kind of sought each other out....2 somewhat misfits who fit together. She gets me and I get her. She has always been there for me, and I only hope that I can and will be there for her, whenever she needs me.

One last thing that I want to write about feeling grateful or lucky if you will is the chance to live and to learn. I think the past few weeks have been so hard because I have been on the cusp of some lifechanging stuff. I don't know yet that I know all that is to come, but I feel as though I have been being prepared to have some changes in my life. I have aquired many skills in my 38 years, a lot that I don't give myself credit for. I am strong, whether I want to admit it or not. I have strength that comes from the core of my being. I need to remember that and call on it when I need it most. I have resources beyond imagination. I just need to know where to look. I have intelligence that a lot of time I spend convincing myself just isn't there, I need to trust. And I have the love of God. Because no matter what, when push comes to shove, He is always there, whether I know it or not, to catch me and give me a hand back up to where I need to be.

Sunday, July 02, 2006


Well, another week has gone by. The cast came off last week and I have been able to drive again. I started back to work and the world didn't come to an end. I have been just miserable to put it mildly. I have no idea what the problem is, but I wish that it would just go. My ability to deal with even the most mundane of life's expectations are trying.

It was suggested to me that I am a good writer. Actually, there have been several people who have told me this especially since my article was published in the local paper. Of course there have been no editors or publishers beating down my doors to give me money to write a book. But, I have been thinking of writing a book for a long time. I have tossed around subjects....from writing about being gay and going through infertility and then parenting. Maybe something non-fiction? Maybe something about the clinical work that I have done over the years? I have serious writers block though. SO, if anyone has any suggestions, lay them on me OK? If I take your idea and form it into a book, the book will be dedicated to you OK? Deal! OK readers....offer up your suggestions.