Friday, June 15, 2007

Forging ahead

I am still forging ahead. Still here. I called the MD today and we are reducing the Topamax to 25mgs to see if the depression lessens. Today I felt it really, really badly. I have been having mood swings and just really, really anxious. I don't want my kids remembering me this way. The other day Katie said, "We sure do have a lot of rules around here" I want my kids to remember having fun with their mother, not having rules and me always being "on" them all the time. I want to relax and enjoy my kids and partner and LIFE. I am so tired of being afraid that something bad is going to happen that I am missing all the good things that ARE happening. I pray to God every day that He will help me slow down, but I do think that this is medicinal in nature. I haven't ever been the most of relaxed of people, but I have never been this depressed and anxious. I need to get off all of the medication. ALL OF IT. I have no delusions of granduer that withdrawl will be a picnic. I have been on them too long for it to be. But, I think with the right management and some hard work on my part, I can get through it. It will be a long and slow process. But, I need ME back. I need all of ME back. Not these mind altering drugs that make me someone who I am not. Any words of encouragement that you have to offer would be greatly appreciated. I am so scared, but hopeful at the same time. I just want ME back. That's all. I know I can do it. I just know I can!


Judy said...

I know you can do it, too! I've seen the adversities that you have worked your way through - too numerous to mention! You will make it, and we will all be there, rooting for you.

mdmhvonpa said...

"I am so tired of being afraid that something bad is going to happen that I am missing all the good things that ARE happening."

I'm with you on that. Sometimes I think it's just part of being a parent ... other times, it IS the depression.

rae said...

oh wendy,
how I DO know the pain of being on prescription drugs. It changed me, it ruined my life and it took everything I loved away from me. I'm right here behind you as you taper---it will be the hardest thing you've ever done but the rewards are immeasurable. I look back on the last year and rememeber how horrible it felt and then i look at my life now and I can't beleive what those drugs took from me. its hard to beleive there is a light at the end of the tunnel but there is. This will not be easy and withdrawals are a BITCH but in a year you will look back and feel like you conquered a mountain. All my love goes out to you.
Renee and I are coming to New York in July, are you going to be up for a meetup? We'll be in NYC for two days and plan to meet up with Laura as well.
Write me if you want.
Hugs to you