Sunday, May 28, 2006

So excited!

Let me tell you that it doesn't take much! I fill out survey's over at Lightspeed and collect points that I can redeem for gift certificates as well as other stuff. Today I happend to hop onto .Holly Near's web site and saw that she has a new CD. I was feeling really sad because I had no money and then I thought AHA! I could redeem those points and get the CD from Amazon! And that is exactly what I did with $2.04 left over. So, get ready to hear some Holly cranking out sometime next week!

Saturday, May 27, 2006

Katie on the beach

Mexico scrapbook page

Saturday and no place to go...

Just the way I like it. This has probably been one of the longest weeks of my life. Low energy, depressed mood, you name it! But today I seem to be turning a corner. Lots has gone on this week....Monkey's Trout came into the world safely on Friday! Rae made it through her surgery and is finally on the road to physical healing. Katie got her positive beta and then it doubled, all things to be thankful for. (And if any one can tell me how to put a link on someone's name so that I can acutally link you all to these people and you can read their stories yourself - thanks)!

But what I have most to be thankful for is that my children are healthy, my relationship with DP is strong and that is more than any one person could ask for.

On another note, Katie is now in possesion of a goldfish named Dorothy. We told Katie that if she slept in her own bed all night for a month, that we would get her a fish for her room (a very coveted possession). She has been going up to her room and coming back down to give us a minute by minute update of how Dorothy is fairing in her new home. I do have to say that as we were leaving the pet store, Katie told me that the one fish that was swimming sideways wasn't feeling too good. Nope, I don't think he was. Anyway, WTG Katie. Mommy and Momma are proud of you for your accomplishment....and for letting us get a good night's sleep.

Gillian too has had a good week for accomplishments. She was awarded the Physical Education Excellence award. Only one girl in the whole 9th grade gets this award and she got it! I am so proud of her. I still wonder where she gets all her athletic ability from...not me that's for sure.

Wel, that's it for now. The depression seems to have lifted so better times are coming!

Wednesday, May 24, 2006


Katie was just laying in my arms and said "I used to have nursers when I laid like this" and then put her mouth in the area and slurped. She said "I am going to put some more milk in there with my germs" opened up her mouth and made a slurping noise again and asked, "Any milk in there yet?" LOL...No I told her...sorry!

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Bad mother?

Ok, so I am still upset over our counseling session with Gillian last night. All she talked about the whole time was how I sucked as a mother. I could have titled this post...How do I suck as a mother, let me count the ways. To hear her tell it, I spend all my time on the computer. She does everything (or Cheryl does) and I do nothing. When Gillian walks in the house at 4PM, I am usually on the computer checking mail and/or doing something for someone. Sometimes I am even (GASP) doing something for myself. The thing is, with Gillian, you can never do enough for her. I go out of my way to not ask her to help with Katie so that she doesn't feel resentful of her. I don't bother to ask her to help out around the house because then I just get attitude and it drives me nuts. Of course this sets Cheryl up because then when she asks her to do something she looks like the bad guy and I feel like crap because I have put it all on her. Nothing is ever enough. But to sit there last night and just list the ways that I suck as a mother was almost too much. Because you know secretly down deep, I think she is right. I should keep the house cleaner, I shouldn't let Katie watch as much TV as she does, I should be in the kitchen whipping up gourmet meals and have them on the dinner at 6pm. (Oh, wait, they really should be on by 5:30 so that they don't interfere with Gillian's karate schedule.

No, I think the real problem is me. I could sit with Katie all day and it wouldn't be enough. The house could be spic and span and there would still be something else to do, I could cater to Gillian's every whim and she would still be there with her hand out telling me that it's still not enough. I am tired of feeling guilty when I take time for myself (Like right now as I type, Katie is playing on the floor with her toys and I feel as though I should be down there playing with her...come on, what kind of mother am I anyway?) For the record, Cheryl is very good about coming home and jumping right in. If anyone in this family gets the bum deal, it's her. The biggest part of this whole problem is accepting that I am disabled. At 38, I am not able to do the things that most adults at this age can and it SUCKS big time. I am angry because of it and there isn't a darn thing I can do but accept it huh? Mayb

I am tired. I am tired of trying to do the right thing all the time. I am tired of the expectations that I try to hold myself to. I know that if you are reading this that you are surely tired of all the darn whining I am doing lately.....

OK...I am off...maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

Monday, May 22, 2006

OK..enough of that!

Pity party is over!

And life continues to go on...I guess it's funny that way eh? Nothing much going on around here. Had a busy weekend. One of the things we did was go out to my sister's house for my niece's birthday party and 2 of my sister's friends were there. One is pregnant with triplets and one is pregnant with twins. I actually felt a twinge watching the triplet's rolling around in their mother's tummy. Now, don't get me wrong, I surely don't want triplets, but I felt a little twinge of never having another baby. I won't ever feel another baby kick and roll around inside of me. I won't ever give birth to another baby and I won't ever nurse another baby. Honestly, in my head, I am OK with all of those things. I wasn't exactly the most pleasant pregnant person to be around. Cheryl will attest to that. I did think it was cool when I was about 6-7 months pregnant....feeling Katie (and Gillian too) kick around in there. When I was 9 months pregnant it was enough already! It's funny, with Gillian, I never remember being uncomfortable. Probably because she never dropped into my pelvis. But I was 2 weeks overdue with Gillian and went 2 weeks early with Katie (a whole month more pregnant with Gillian!) and I remember begging the MD to deliver Katie because the pain in my pelvis was so intense. Her head was wedged right down there! I had 2 completely different pregnacies, deliveries and breast feeding experiences with these 2.

Gillian nursed till 18 months but was also bottle fed breast milk that I pumped since I went back to work when she was 8 weeks old. Katie was completely breast fed (since she refused a bottle). Katie weaned (with a little encouragement from me) at 27 months.

Now that I think about it, it makes sense. Katie has been sleeping in her own bed now for a little over a month. I miss her there - not the kicking, hitting and cover stealing. I guess it's the baby I miss. Also, we sold her stroller, carseat and swing this weekend. My baby is no more. She is the most independent child I have ever met. I adore her. I adore both of my children. But, I will always remember their babyhoods. Fondly.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

ACK! What is wrong with me?

Does anyone happen to know where my good thoughts and feelings went? ARGH. I hate feeling this way. I don't want to read, watch TV, play on the computer or anything. I just want to sleep. Never a good sign. So, if you all can send some of your good thoughts my way, maybe it will kick the bad ones out!

Saturday, May 13, 2006

Mother's Day

It's no secret that my mother and I haven't really been close. Growing up, I wasn't always the easiest kid and I never really thought that my mother loved me. It wasn't until my mother moved into her own apartment that I think we really started to talk and try to rebuild our relationship. I do know that it wasn't until I became a mother myself, that I could understand why my mother said some of the things that she did or did some of the things she did. Motherhood, I believe it the true test of who you are as a person. I remember when Gillian was born. When I got pregant with her, I really didn't understand the ramifications of what I was doing. I got pregnant the first time I tried and even then, I didn't realize what a blessing was being handed to me. The whole time I was pregnant, I knew I was having a baby, but I didn't know the enormity of what that meant. I figured that I would have her and then at 8 weeks I would go back to work, put Gillian in daycare and go about my happy life. Then Gillian was born. The first time I held her I remember clearly thinking to myself, "Oh my God, what did I do?". It hit me that I was completely and totally responsible for another human being. Whatever I did was going to make a difference to this child. After we got home and got settled, I realized that this little human being that I was totally and utterly in love with was going to have to be seperated from me from up to 9 hours EVERY day. How was I ever going to be OK with this? I picked a daycare close to the house and put my trust in them. Fortunately, the infant room workers were fabulous and loved all of those babies. Still, it broke my heart every morning to drop her off. I wanted to be with her all day and raise her. Not have someone else doing it.

I always knew that I wanted more than one child. When Gillian was 2 I became a single mother and thought to myself that it would never happen. How could I possible parent more than one child by myself. When Gillian was 6, it became apparent that I would never find another partner to parent with and decided that I wanted another child enough to do it again. So, in August 1999, I found myself pregnant again. Excitement and fear were the 2 emotions running rampant at the time. Days after the pregnancy were confirmed, I found out that the blinking heart of my new baby was in my fallopian tube. My beautiful baby boy (I found out after the lap to remove the pregnancy it was a boy) would never be held in my arms. I don't think there are words to explain the pain of losing a pregnancy and for me, it wasn't just a pregnancy, it was already a baby. It was a baby I loved and I will always love. My heart was broken.

I met Cheryl days after losing the baby and knew with all my heart that I had found my soul mate. We decided together that we would have another baby and since she had no interest in carrying a pregnancy that I would do it. So, down the road of infertility we traveled. Month after month of negative pregnancy tests and blood tests. Lots of invasive fertility tests. Diagnosis, Unexplained Infertility. After 2 years of IUI's with Clomid, IUI's with injectables all negative, we took the plunge and agreed to do an IVF round. It would prove to be the most strenuous thing I have ever out my mind and body through. Shots, blood test, internal sono's, all leading up to an egg retrieval and subsequently fertilization of 2 embryo's both implanted in my uterus and one resulting in our beautiful daughter Katie. My pregnancy with Katie was much less stessful than with Gillian and her birth was wonderful. There are no words that can describe how I felt the day Katie was born. Cheryl holding her newborn daughter seconds after she was born and Gillian rocking her in her arms. Grandma Schmidt also holding her for the first time minutes after she was born.

I could never have asked for a better mother than Cheryl has been to her daughters. She is patient and kind and loves her daughters more than life itself. I love to watch her with Katie, playing and rolling around the floor. I love to watch her help Gillian with her homework, so patient and understanding. Thank you Cheryl for not only being such a wonderful and patient partner, but for being the best parenting partner a person could ask for.

Motherhood has been the best thing that I have ever done. It has also been the hardest. I have learned so many lessons from being a mother. I think the biggest one is that once you have a baby, your heart is never yours alone. It's like walking around with it outside your body always vulnerable always full.

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY. Especially to you Mom. Thanks for teaching me what I needed to know to be a good mom.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

What to write about.....

Well, I haven't been a good blogger have I? I haven't really had much to write about and I have been tired. Very tired. So, let me tell you about DORA LIVE! We took Katie to see this show last night and what a rip off! I mean, Katie loved it, but we shelled out $90.00 for 3 tickets and the show was maybe an hour long. The first act was about 20 minutes long with a 20 minute intermission. I guess they had to make sure there was enough time to buy the $15.00 souveniers they had. I could not believe it!

Anyway, Katie had an awesome time....she is still so excited about it. And it was so awesome to watch her face as she sang and danced to her favorite show in earth. She spent a lot of time talking about the characters as she has an adversion to people in costumes. In DORA LIVE!, Dora and Diego were real people so this wasn't much of an issue.

Now, onto LOST! Does anyone hate that game as much as me? The clues are so hard to find that one really has to go to the site that gives you clues or you will be clueless. At least that is what I am finding. I am/was enjoying the Da Vinci Code Quest on Google more than anything. Although, I cannot get the restoration games to load for some reason. And I cannot figure out the last 2 symbol games. Talk about frustration.

Well, anyone else up for some LOST discussion? Is Cindy dead? I don't think so. Is Jack's half sister one of the kids who were taken by the others? (you know those kids that were in the tail section that were stolen pretty early on?) Why does Locke like (the fake) Henry so much? Is Cindy one of the others? I can't wait for the show tonight...I am even going to leave Bible study early....

Saturday, May 06, 2006

Happy Anniversary Darling

Well, yesterday was our 5th anniversary. I can hardly believe that it's been 5 years since we stood in front of family and friends to tell them how much we loved each other and promised to love and care for each other for always. The years have passed so quickly with my love for you deepening into something so strong and mature.

Last night we went out to dinner to an Italian place that was awesome. I had the Chicken Rigges while Cheryl had the Seafood Manicotti. We started dinner off with a tomato mozzarella salad with a balsamic vinegar dressing. The bread they served was warm with a herb crust that was just divine. Our salads came with fresh crispy vegetables mixed in with the greens. After dinner we each had coffee and shared a delectable Creme Brulee. We left the restaurant and decided to kill some time at Borders...we browsed and I saw the book Evil Twin that Sawyer was reading on LOST the other night. Since I have become a total LOST junkie and am spending way too much time playing the Alternate Reality game I browsed through it and decided to get it out of the library. More to come in another post about the LOST show/game.

So, we wanted to go out dancing, but a quick tour of all the gay bars that we used to go to were no more...none of them! The one bar that is still open is to riske for us, so we decided to go to the grocery store and rent a video. Of course it was closed when we got there, so we got some ice cream and headed home. We turned on the TV and Hotel Rwandwa was just starting so we settled in to watch that.

Gillian was gone baby sitting all night (our neighbors are doctors) and Katie was at Grandma Schmidt. It was a nice romantic evening....even if it was a little late. We slept in till 9 and then went and got the Katster. Gillian came in quietly at 8:15am or so.

So, I just want to shout out to the world...I LOVE YOU CHERYL...NOW AND FOREVER! HAPPY ANNIVERSARY DARLING!

Friday, May 05, 2006

4Th of July

Trying my hand at online scrapbooking!

This is our beautiful baby! Enjoy! If you like what you see, let me know and I will work on some more of these and post them. I have lots of ideas!

Thursday, May 04, 2006


I stole this from Jenny over at

Accent: I don't really have one, that I am aware of!

Booze: Up until our Mexico trip I would have said that I was a non-drinker, but once we got settled and the alcohol was free....I really enjoyed the margarita's. And at home I like a Malibu and pineapple juice.

Chore I Hate: I don't like any chore, but I despise cleaning the bathroom.

Dog or Cat: We have 3 cats...Chaz (who is very old and came with Cheryl), Lily (was brought into the house to replace the beloved - to Cheryl - Cleo, and Tiger (who came into the relationship via me)

Essential Electronics: My laptop!

Favorite Cologne: Clinique Happy! I love it (and so does Cheryl)

Gold or Silver: Silver mostly, but my wedding and engagement rings are gold)

Hometown: Syracuse, NY - not much has changed has it>?

Insomnia: Sometimes...mostly when I am worried.

Job Title: Stay at Home Mom.....

Kids: Two! Gillian is 13 and Katie is 3. Yes, they are 10 1/2 years apart and no it wasn't an accident. It was infertility!

Living Arrangements: House in the suburbs...shared by my wife and 2 children.

Most Admirable Traits: Honest, loyal and funny

Number of Sexual Partners: 3 (not all at the same time)

Overnight Hospital Stays: Too many to count....operations, childbirth and many illness's

Phobias: Snakes

Quote: Can't really think of one....

Religion: Protestant....baptist and presbytarian to be exact.

Unusual Talent or Skill: know doing many things at once!

Vegetable I Love: Green beans

Worst Habit: Getting in the last word!

X-Rays: Again, lots! Nose, fingers, ankles, wrists, head...I don't think there is a thing on me that hasn't been x-ray'd!

Yummy Foods I Make: Veal marsala and apple pie....pancakes too!

Zodiac: Scorpio watch out! I have a mean sting!

Now, it's your turn!

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Cool Site

There is this very cool new site where you can upload a pic of yourself (or your kids) and it analyzes it and then tells you who you look like. Go here and try it. It is so cool. I ran my family and the first 5 matches for each of us were:


1) Madonna
2)Chris North
3)Mamoru Oshii
4)Alanis Morrisette
5)Sissy Spacek


1) Melissa Gilbert
2) Jennifer Beals
3) Joan Fontaine
4) Elisha Cuthbert
5) Charlize Theron


1) Chester Bennington
2) Matthew Perry
3) Yael Bar Zohar
4) Nana Mouskouri
5) Billy Zane


1) Robert Duvall
2) Christian Slater
3) Emily Dickenson
4) Kristen Nygaard
5) Bebe Newirth

What I found most interesting is that both Katie and I drew on some asian names. Interesting.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006


Books are my secret passion. I was thinking about what to write today and I said, BOOKS! I can't remember a time when I haven't loved books. From the time that I learned how to read, I have immersed myself in books. I remember when I was old enough to walk to the library coming home with armful's of books. Any kind of book was fine although fiction was and still is my genre of choice. I think that I probably read every single book in the young adult section of the Baldwinsville library before moving on to the adult section. I remember just going to my room and reading for hours and hours. Getting lost in books and in the stories and lives they presented.

When I got to college books presented themselves to me in a different way. I remember the first time I bought textbooks. They smelled so wonderful and I remember the thrill and excitement of not knowing what was in there between the covers, but not being able to wait to find out. One quirk of mine (and there are many right Cheryl?) is that I find it impossible to skip around a book and whenever a professor would have us do it, I would find it very difficult. Almost like breaking the rule of books....though shalt not go ahead in a book without reading what comes first. I have one memorable course in college. It was a course I took on Freud in Literature. It was the first course I had taken where we really looked at differnt meanings within the text. Previous to that I would read for reading sake. I didn't really care what else the author was saying....just let me read for reading's sake. To this day I am still that way although I do find myself letting got a bit more and looking into the text for the various stories being told. Another thing that is new to me is putting a book aside after the 3rd chapter if I am really not into it. Again, being the book purist that I am I have always felt that if it was good enough to be published, then it should be read. Not so anymore.

I always have to have books in my possesion. When my library pile gets short, I get online and order more. I have lists of books that I want to read and find myself and Barnes and Noble at least once a month writing down titles and authors of books that I want to order from the library. I order online and they call me when the book is in. I am at the library at least once a week for storytime so I get the books as they come in. I read everywhere and don't leave home without a book. I even read at stoplights! Yes, I really do.

I can't imagine a world without books. It has always been my passion to someday write a book! I have lots of idea's just no courage.

So, as an added bonus, I think I will review books that I have read or am will be Lucky by Alice Sebold. It is riveting. It is a true story about when Alice was raped in a park near Syracuse University in the 1980's. She writes her story from her heart, from the rape, to the decision to come back to SU and finish her education. It is a powerful and mighty book.

Monday, May 01, 2006

Monday's Five

Stolen from Monkey (who stole it from someone else) I am going to try and write 5 things that I like about myself every Monday...Keep me honest ya hear?

5 Things I Like About Me:

1) I like that I am a good mother

2) I like that I am a faithful friend

3) I like my eyes

4) I like that I am a caring person

5) I like that I am a conciencious social worker.

There ya go!