Friday, January 12, 2007

The 4AM Blues

Well, as you can see this wasn't written at 4AM, but it could have been since I have been up since then. I woke up for no reason and just laid there and laid there. Then I started to worry about stuff that no sane person worries about. My kids dying, my partner dying, me dying. Cheryl and I met with the surgeon on Monday and he wants to wait to see how this nreve block I had on Wednesday worked. I got 9 days of relief last time and Dr T (Pain center doc) wasn't too impressed. He told me that if I don't get more relief than that and at least some residual pain relief that we'll have to go ahead and schedule the surgery. I am scared of having this surgery. I am sure if you scroll down and read you will see somewhere that I have already whined about this. But it sucks. I literally can't get on the floor with Katie. This morning I promised a trip to the zoo but between my stomach acting up and my back killing me, I am perched on the couch. And the poor dear is asking me she can do for me. Not crying that she can't go to the zoo. God, I feel like such a stinking failure as a mother. I do have to get her to swim lessons at 4 so I will drag myself out for that. Yesterday I was at story time with her and the pain in my back kicked in so badly I just wanted to lay down on the floor and cry. So, we stopped at Grandma's and I took some pain pills and laid down on her couch while she entertained Katie for an hour. Got home and just stayed on the couch. If I am going to feel any relief from this block, I should feel it tomorrow. The pain of the block should wear off by then.

It has been my dream my whole life to be a stay at home mom and I suck at it. I know I am being hard on myself. I know there are plenty if things I can do here and we do them. But I hate breaking promises to my kids. I hate it.

Of course it snowed and with snow and cold comes the winter grouchies. I wish we could move to the carribean. I so could be at home there. They must need a cytotech down there and there are always people who want a good therapist right? Right? LOL

Well, that is the end of the whine for today. So many of you who are SAHM's talk about all the awesome things you do. I applaud you for it. You are my hero's!

7 comments:

Judy said...

Did you ever think that YOU are someone's hero? You were always my hero for breaking tradition and being a single mom by choice(and all the paraphanalia that went with it - having to make choices with no one's help, doing it ALL by yourself). Then you went ahead and married the love of your life, and at the same time told society to go fuck itself, it's not who we love but how we love. And look at the beautiful cotillion queen and the lovely 4-year old smiling up a bunch of storms! Looks like you are doing a wonderful job in the mothering department. You, of all people having worked in social work, know what really defines a shitty mom, because you've seen it. And you are anything but. You are the best friend anyone could ask for, and you've endured the bullshit of the medical community who thinks you are a number. Yes, it's normal to worry about our partners and children dying - it crosses my mind, often times around 4 a.m. And despite telling ourselves that their premature death is highly unlikely, we still worry. It's what we do. We don't want to be in the world without them. So look at yourself for the hero you are! And besides, the weather was too shitty to go to the zoo today. Even the penguins stayed inside and curled up with a good book.

Gandksmom said...

Thanks so much for such kind and loving words. I am just in a funk and hate feeling this way. I really, really want to get away ya know? Yes, I know you know!

Anonymous said...

Judy is right Wendy.Katie's picture portrays a happy little girl. You are going through a extremely difficult time, you need to be gentle with yourself.Beating yourself up will not do the girls or Cheryl any good. You are a good mom for knowing your limits.
Take one day at a time and know your are being prayed for.

Jen said...

Ok, not that I am a lurker, because I think I comment now and then...

Don't be so hard on yourself! Katie will understand, she is a smart girl! If you are bound to the couch, you can only do so much... Sit there and play a game with her, draw with her, read to her. She will remember it just as much as she would if you were talking her to the zoo.

Baitulos said...

Today is the day to take the wonder drug, "Damitol"...

Linda D. in Seattle

Maria said...

I know the fears and the worries that come just before the dawn and they can be so horrendous. I wish I had wise words for you, but so many good comments have already been made.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Anonymous said...

Don't be so hard on yourself. You have had a lot to deal with lately. Have you seen the Neuro at Upstate yet? I am anxious to hear how that goes. Please keep us updated.

I hope that you get to feeling better real soon. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Take care of yourself.
Jaime