Winter makes me want to just hibernate. Of course it doesn't help that Katie has had us up for 2 nights because she has been sick. Just a cold, but of course I am so obsessive that I think it's something 10 times worse. And Gillian's colitis has been worse so I am obsessed with her being sick again and ending up in the hospital. My anxiety always gets the best of me when I am tired. And guess who won't take a nap even though they don't feel well? UGH and double UGH. I don't know about the rest of you, but today has me having the creepy crawlies. Like I just want to get out of my skin. I am having second thoughts about the surgery and I know I have to do it. A good friend of mine wrote me a powerful e-mail over the weekend. About how going off the pain meds is going to be really hard. I knew that, but reading brought it home. How much I rely on them and really have since Katie was born. It's going to be really, really hard to give up that dependence I have on them. And not just physically either.
I said before that I was at peace with my decision. Maybe I am changing my mind now. Maybe this isn't the right thing to do? Damn, I hate this. I can't even make a damn decision now. It's going to hurt ya know? Badly. But I need to be out of pain because I really feel that pain is defining how and who I am.
On another note, we are meeting with the neurologist this Wednesday. I can hardly wait.