tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-264216562024-03-07T01:50:04.086-05:00GandksmomGandksmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06961626339438692658noreply@blogger.comBlogger302125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26421656.post-58941373089916243622011-07-27T11:19:00.002-05:002011-07-27T11:22:49.246-05:00Saying goodbye.....I don't think anyone reads this anymore and mostly it's because I haven't written anything here. If you are still checking back to see if I have written anything and are disappointed that I haven't and want me too, let me know because I have a lot to blog about!<div>Wendy</div>Gandksmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06961626339438692658noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26421656.post-51189221338406286072011-04-24T18:09:00.002-05:002011-04-24T18:18:51.735-05:00DreamingI have had 2 dreams the past 2 nights. I was pregnant in both of them and knew that there was something wrong with the baby first thing. I could feel the heart beat in my hand and when I went to have a sono, they heart never closed and was on the outside of the body. This dream continued the next night, with the baby being born, but waking before I actually saw the baby.<div><br /></div><div>When I woke up this morning, I realized that these dreams symbolized a re-birth of me with my heart on the outside, no longer keeping pain and hurt inside, but feeling safe to let my feelings be known. Not the everyday Wendy that everyone knows. </div><div><br /></div><div>Keep updated as I am going to try and write more and this is my journaling. I don't think anyone reads this anymore since so much times goes by before I write. I</div><div><br /></div><div>I am still in pain and I think that keeps people away from listening to what I have to say. I want to try and be more introspective. Yes, I have pain everywhere. Physical, emotional and psychological. Should be an interesting ride. I am also going to try and quilt a little each day. If I remember how! LOL!</div><div><br /></div><div>Wendy</div>Gandksmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06961626339438692658noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26421656.post-45139488402924910742011-04-13T15:10:00.003-05:002011-04-13T15:15:12.269-05:00Wishes do come trueI was reading back through old posts and can't believe how depressed I sound. Maybe now that Spring is here, I am feeling better. The panic attacks have decreased and I feel less depressed. Maybe it's because I am dealing with another crisis in my life? LOL! <div><br /></div><div>I had to have an MRI on my back to determine whether or not the channels were big enough for the stimulator and it came back with some suspicious finding that required me to have a bone scan. I had that done and now need to meet with an orthopedic/oncologist to see if I do indeed need to have a needle biopsy. </div><div><br /></div><div>SHIT!</div><div><br /></div><div>Wendy</div>Gandksmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06961626339438692658noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26421656.post-55417998791299684902011-03-10T14:03:00.000-05:002011-03-10T14:17:37.942-05:00Deep Dark DepressionFor those of you who have been depressed, know that it's different than being sad. I started with this depression way before my mother died. Way before she got sick. Her death has exasperated this depression in a way that I never thought was possible. I have made a counseling appointment. I can't go on anti depressant meds because they all make me sick to my stomach. I was tried on a medication for my OCD that made me sick also. <br /><br />I feel so helpless. I just want to sleep and sleep and sleep. As long as I am sleeping then I don't have to worry about, or think about anything. ANYTHING. And I really don't have anything to be depressed about. Yes, I have something to be sad about. But, I have a wonderful partner who picks up the lion's share of things around the house and taking care of Katie. I have 2 beautiful children, who, while they have their issues, are doing OK where they are. Gillian is doing well in college, although she is struggling with some really hard classes. I give her all the credit in the world for even attempting them. She is one strong woman! Katie, while she has had some emotional issues (and I wonder if she gets them from me) does wonderfully in school with her school work. It's the peer issues that we have to work on. She wears her heart on her shoulder that one!<br /><br />Anyway, I needed to get my feelings out on "paper" although I don't think I did a very good job with this. I am leaving tomorrow to get Gillian and then we are staying in Albany overnight with some friends before leaving Saturday AM to get home. I have my first appt on Sat Noon and don't want to miss it. So, maybe I will have more to tell after that!<br /><br />WendyGandksmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06961626339438692658noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26421656.post-7049787166250862752011-03-05T13:13:00.003-05:002011-03-05T13:17:29.750-05:00The FuneralSeeing my mother in her casket was a surreal experience. It looked like her. Really looked like her. You almost wanted to see if she was still breathing. But she mostly looked like she was at peace. We had to seperate calling hour times and lots of friends and family came to give us their best. The next day, the pastor from my church came and did a wonderful job of delivering a eulogy of my mother's life. The hardest part that day was seeing her again in her casket and then leaving the room for them to close it and then realizing that we were never going to see her again. Ever.<br /><br />This is where I am ending. I am in a place of raw pain and loss right now. As the days go on and I feel as though I can write about my feelings I will. But for now, they are inside, not ready to be released.<br /><br />WendyGandksmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06961626339438692658noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26421656.post-76744313718676638212011-03-05T12:47:00.002-05:002011-03-05T13:13:03.787-05:00The PassingOn February 18, 2011, my mother passed away at the age of 63. A lifetime smoker, she was diagnosed with emphasema and subsequently COPD by the time she was in her late 40's. By the time she was 50, she was on oxygen full time. We knew our time with her would be short. We just didn't realize how short.<br /><br />On February 1st, Mom went into the hospital and was diagnosed with the Flu. She hadn't been out of her apartment in months so we can only think that someone brought it to her. Doesn't matter in the long run. She was taken by ambulance to the hospital and put into a regular room. Something to note...it wasn't unususal for Mom to end up in the hospital once a winter, but the previous two winter's she remained unhospitalized. <br /><br />Within a day Mom was moved to MICU (Medical Intensive Care Unit) as she required the use of a BiPap machine to help her breathe and all sorts of other meds to keep her alive. She met with my sister, who became her Health Care Proxy and Mom stated that she didn't want to be intubated or any life saving measures. At that time, my Mother's MD took us out to the computer where he showed us my mother's recent CT scan of her lungs which we basically empty caverns. He couldn't believe that she had lived as long as she had. Looking back on it now, I can tell that Mom was moving less and less and could barely take care of herself. Other than going to the bathroom and getting herself a frozen meal, she could barely get herself off the couch. At any rate, the MD said that he did not see her being able to leave the hospital alive and asked if we could have a meeting with our siblings to talk about where things were and what we wanted to tell Mom. We had a meeting that afternoon and my sister Tammy went with the MD to talk with Mom. Mom decided to stay on BiPap and meds and fight till the end. She then insisted that we all go home and not come back that night because she wanted to sleep.<br />Later that night, my youngest sister Laura came back up only to find that Mom had decided to go off the BiPap and discontinue all her medications. She quickly called my sister Tammy, her health care proxy, who came up to the hospital and called the rest of us siblings. We had no idea that what we thought was going to be an overnight death watch, like it was with my grandfather, would turn into a 15 day death watch.<br />The next morning, they moved my mother downstairs to the palliative care floor. When she got down there, we thought she wasn't going to survive the move and had a thready pulse and was barely breathing. My grandmother started to cry and rub her head. She came back.<br />My 2 sisters and I pretty much stayed at the hospital night after night, rotating who slept when in case mom needed something. For the first 7 days or so, she was sipping diet pepsi and eating bites of food. Someone had to stay awake to take care of her. The last 2 days she slipped into a coma and was pretty unresponsive. On Friday, February 18th at 11:30AM she took her last breath. It was very anticlimatic. She just started breathing shorter and shorter breaths and finally took one last breath and that was it. We called for the nurses and one came and declared no heartbeat. The floor nurse came and declared the same thing. The MD had just been in the room not 2 minutes before her last breath and he came back and just told us how sorry he was. My sister's husband, who had and still is, handeling all her affairs called the funeral home to let them know they could come and get her and we stayed with her a little while and left the hospital. We met with the funeral home later that day and all of us agreed with each other about what casket she should be buried in and the color of her casket. Blue was her favorite color. We agreed that 2 cards she received along with a letter that Katie wrote her would be buried with her along with a picture of every one of her grandchildren. We had a lot of work to do to get ready for the funeral and calling hours.<br /><br />WendyGandksmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06961626339438692658noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26421656.post-61853333904878645802011-01-14T16:50:00.002-05:002011-01-14T17:01:55.641-05:00OCDWhich for those of you who don't know what that is is Obsessive Control Disorder and I have it in a BAD way! I went to the MD yesterday and she started me on a new medication that should help in a few weeks. I can't stand the thoughts that keep going through my mind over and over and over. <br /><br />Here is an example of my mind the past week. Katie's teacher was sick on Tuesday. Katie came home from school on Tuesday saying her teacher had a stomach ache and felt like she was going to throw up. I immediately went into panic mode. If Katie picks up what her teacher has, then she could give it to Gillian, who is going back to school on Sunday.<br /><br />For those of you who don't know, the week before finals, Gillian caught a bug and was in the hospital for 4 days. She has no large intestine because of an illness she had when she was younger, so when she gets a stomach bug, it turns into a BIG thing requiring hospitalization. So, you can imagine my panic. I am trying to inforce hand washing and keeping the girls apart. I am thinking that Katie would have come down with this bug by now, because the net says that it usually presents itself between 24-48 hours which we are past now. I will feel much better tomorrow if she doesn't get it. And the nurse at the MD's office said that the chance of Gillian getting it are even smaller than Katie.<br /><br />Does that help? Nope! Still runs around my mind over and over and over again. Can I do anything about it? Nope! Do I know this? Yes! Does it matter? Nope! And if it wasn't this, it would be something else.<br /><br />So, I start the new med tonight and will go up for the next few weeks until I go back to the MD again. If there are no adverse effects, then I will go up to the recommended dose. The only thing that sucks is that it could be a month or more before I feel/relief. ARGH! I want it gone NOW!<br /><br />So, I am trying to read as much as possible and not let things bother me. The more I sleep and watch TV, the better I feel.<br /><br />There you have it...I have OCD!<br /><br />Later,<br />WendyGandksmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06961626339438692658noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26421656.post-57886989957132232202011-01-08T12:48:00.002-05:002011-01-08T13:00:54.704-05:00Lazy days and Mondays.....Always get me down! Too bad it's Saturday. And I am down. But I have no clue why. I want this Spinal Cord Stimulator installed in my back already, but sooo not looking forward to the surgery. They always get your meds messed up.<br /><br />I really, really want to quilt. But there is no way that I can stand up and cut out fabric and there is no way that I can sit to sew for any length of time. Another BIG obstacle is the fact that I have yet to clear out Gillian's room to make it into a sewing room. The more I think about it, the more it doesn't make sense. She is home at least once every other month, which would mean time that I wouldn't be able to get in there to sew. So, what to do? I just don't know. I can't get down the cellar stairs, so setting up a studio there is also out of the question. I will figure something out sometime. I have all the fabric sitting there waiting for me to make the top to my Nephew's quilt, not to mention the $1,000's of fabric waiting to me made into quilts. My friend Val's daughter just turned 1 and I still haven't started her baby quilt. Maybe by the time she goes to college?<br /><br />Anyway, I am off to a birthday party for a friend of Katie's and the parents happen to be our friends as well. Tomorrow is my neice's birthday party right after church and Monday will be a massage and nap day. I will need it.<br /><br />Later,<br />WendyGandksmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06961626339438692658noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26421656.post-84101741964481856032011-01-03T15:58:00.002-05:002011-01-03T16:03:48.004-05:00Sometimes you just want to....SCREAM! My older daughter knows that I don't like her to drive my car. It's not paid off and it's the only reliable one we have. She just wanted to look all cool and drive my car to her old high school and pick up one of her younger friends. She originally wanted to drive downtown, but I nixed that. I have a feeling that is where she is. I told her she had to be home by 6PM! I think it's time for her to go back. And I don't think that there will be much crying when we leave this time. I need a break. I am tired of her drama already. She accused me of sleeping all day and living off the government. I told her if I could stand and sit all day then I wouldn't have to lay down all day. She really knows what pushes my buttons. Then a bill came today from when she was in the hospital and I told her it would go against her credit if she didn't get it resolved. She doesn't even care! She so needs to learn about money! <br /><br />I can't write anymore. I can't take her anymore! Sorry for the rant. Just pissed, that's all!<br /><br />Later,<br />WendyGandksmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06961626339438692658noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26421656.post-25077419362994923892010-12-31T15:55:00.002-05:002010-12-31T16:03:18.025-05:00Happy New Year!I can't believe another year has flown by. This has been a very tough year physically for me. I spend most days in bed and read and sleep a lot. I have been saving for a Mac Pro, but think it might go towards a IPad. I can use that in bed. I mostly just read e-mail and do FaceBook. Of course every year I say that I am going to write a book, but I am not saying that this year.<br /><br />This year, I am very excited and looking forward to having my Spinal Cord Stimulator implanted. I did the trial with excellent results. I mean, I won't be able to do much more than I am, but I won't have so much pain and might be able to get out of bed a little more often than I do now. I am not looking forward to the surgery. They always mess up my pain medication and make me go into withdrawl. So, I am looking forward to a nice short time in the hospital! Our hospital's don't have a very good repuation for nurses getting to you when you need them too. I mean, I know when it's an hour away from meds, too call them and ask them for it. It's ridiculous!<br /><br />But I don't want to focus on the negative, but the postive. Once I have the Stimulator implanted, I will have some relief and begin to titrate off some of the pain meds that I am on. I am really looking forward to this. <br /><br />So, it's going to be a good year everyone. I have a wonderful wife, 2 beautiful daughters. 1 in college and doing awesome and one in second grade and also doing awesome. They are beautiful and make me proud! Despite some hard times at work, Cheryl is chugging along. She makes me proud to call her my wife! <br /><br />Later,<br />WendyGandksmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06961626339438692658noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26421656.post-37709070144948871852010-12-30T12:48:00.002-05:002010-12-30T12:54:54.878-05:00Angry Birds!My BIL got me addicted to this App on my iPhone called Angry Birds. It's a game where you fling all sorts of birds through the air (and each bird does something different) to kill the pigs that are usually heavily fortified. It's very addicting I have to say. I have to put it down after a while and then I pick it up again and try for a while. <br /><br />Speaking of addiction, LOL, Gillian is heavily addicted to Epic Mickey for the Wii. She has fought her way through the game and is still going strong. I can't believe all the stuff you have to do to win this game. It's definately a great game for the Wii, but not something that I think my 7 year old can figure out. My 18 year old is having a hard enough time.<br /><br />Katie has a friend over today and they are playing nicely. I am so glad that she has such nice friends to play with. Oh, and I picked Rules of Deception by Christopher Reich bach up. I picked the book up at a rest stop and then put it back down. I think I could get back into it. I finished the other book mentioned in the last post, but it wasn't anything to write home about!<br /><br />Well, I am off to read, then we will be dining at Wegman's and then I have to chauffer Gillian to her group meeting at the Q center. After that, I will come home and drop into bed. I do have choir practice, but it's so late at night for me that I just don't think I can make it. We'll have to see.<br /><br />Later,<br />WendyGandksmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06961626339438692658noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26421656.post-88250194467160730702010-12-28T14:06:00.002-05:002010-12-28T14:14:36.537-05:00ReadingSo, am I the only one who seems to love reading? I mean really love it! I can eat my way through a book in a day or read one on the Kindle in a few hours. I always feel as though I have to have a book either in my Kindle or in a pile next to my bed. And talk about the guilt that I feel when I don't finish a book! I just bought Bill Bryson's book about his house and had to put it down. And I love Bill Bryson. What is it about this book that I just can't read? I have a pile started of books that I have started and can't finish. Maybe when I go back to them I will have renewed energy to read them. They seem like good books. <br /><br />I am reading a Nora Roberts fluff mystery now called Brazen Virtue. It's good and I am almost done but it's not fullfilling. You kind of know how it's going to finish. Then I move to the Kindle where It's Not Me, It's You: Recollections From A Terminally Optomistic Woman. <br /><br />The difference between the Kindle and having a book in your hands is minor. The only thing that I don't like is that I don't remember what the book in the Kindle is about, but it must be good or I wouldn't have bought it! LOL!<br /><br />So, Kindle or real live books that you hold in your hand? Speaking of which, I have another box of books to send to Marianne! I still need to read her box!<br /><br />Later,<br />WendyGandksmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06961626339438692658noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26421656.post-26000859620220690842010-12-27T17:36:00.002-05:002010-12-27T17:57:49.964-05:00Christmas 2010Whew, it's over! That is all I have to say. The girls got what they wanted for Christmas. Katie's big ticket item this year was Lanie, an American girl doll, with a dress for herself so they can match. She also got doll bunk beds (as she now has 2 AG dolls), an <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">armoir</span> to hold all her doll clothes and some other small things that she wanted. Gillian got a 19" TV (she said to get her a small one because her dorm room is so small, and better yet, a stand to put it on. Back in October she put a 19" <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">regualar</span> TV (you know the kind where the back sticks out and they are HUGE) on the top shelf of her desk where it proceeded to fall right onto the laptop computer we got her last year. What a crisis that was! Anyway, that was her big ticket item. She also got Epic Mickey for the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">Wii</span> which she and Katie have been playing and LOVE! I love that she actually likes a game where there is no blood shed and killing! Cheryl got an Ice Cream maker and some really cool measuring spoon and cups that should last the rest of her natural born life. She also got the Twilight Series and some other little things that she wanted. I got a lot of cool stuff! A beautiful cross that you hold in your hand, made from Olive wood from the Holy Land. I have been using it when I pray to keep me focused. I got a Haiti Life Is Good shirt where all the proceeds went to the Haiti relief efforts and 100 Markers to use with the Prism and hidden picture coloring books. I love to color! It's so soothing and relaxing. I also got a T-shirt with Books written all over the front and cats laying on the words and books. A $30 Amazon <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">GC</span> to fill up my Kindle, a renewal of my Barnes and Noble membership and a $25 <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">GC</span> to go with it. I still like to read a "real" book sometimes. My MIL got us a knife set which we desperately needed.<br /><br />All and all it was a really, really nice Christmas. One family fight, but hey, that is always to be expected and I am not going to talk about it here.<br /><br />I look forward to a New Year. I can't wait to have my new Spinal Cord Stimulator put in (even though it means surgery) and have my pain decrease. I may not be able to work, but I might be able to exist more than just getting in and out of bed! <br /><br />Well, I am addicted to Angry Birds on my iPhone! I must go annihilate so pigs!<br /><p>Later,</p><p>Wendy</p>Gandksmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06961626339438692658noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26421656.post-88914640664251356722010-12-13T18:47:00.002-05:002010-12-13T19:30:48.660-05:00Bad, Bad Blogger!I can't believe that it's been so long since I have updated this blog. I know every year I promise to write more and then I don't. This year, it is going to be a mission for me. I need an outlet to get feelings out and since I don't think that anyone is reading this anymore, it's a safe place for me to do so.<br /><br />So.....Gillian has continued to give me gray hair. I should back up and say that she is at UMass Amherst now, as a Freshman. Wait! Am I old enough to have a child in college? Oh, that's right, I was young when I had her....or else I am really old now. You choose. Gillian had her large intestine removed. If you so desire, you can read further and come to the place where it all happens. Because she has no large intestine, a flu bug most likely will put her in the hospital with dehyration. Never fails. This is what happend this past week, but not only did she need fluids, she needed blood too. She was severly anemic and had to have 2 blood transfusions. I am working with the hemotologist/oncologist here in Syracuse to get her an appointment to be seen when she gets home. Now, you might be wondering why we would even know a hemotologist/oncologist. Back when Gillian had Ulcerative Colitis, she was on medication that gave her eosinophilia, basically made her red cells look funny. Again, I wrote more about this back in '08 when it was going on. So, the MD at the hospital in MA wants her to have a bone marrow biopsy. I asked him if he gave her the blood, could she see the hemotologist here in Syracuse when she came home this week? He was fine with that and I am trying to arrange that. <br /><br />But let's talk about how shitty it feels to be 250 miles away from your sick child shall we. It feels really, really shitty. Guilt doesn't even cover it. And of course this has to happen the week before finals when she should be reviewing. But, I have to believe that all things happen for a reason. This week while she is taking finals, she feels good and that is what counts. Cheryl and I will be taking a whirlwind trip down there on Thursday to pick her up and turn around and bring her home. I think I will be able to breathe then! <br /><br />One good thing that came out of this is that an angel appeared to us! Gillian went to University Health Services (UHS) without her cell phone charger or computer. So, after her phone went dead, she had to call me collect. After the first time of doing this, we devised a system where she would call me, I would deny the charges and call her back. But she really needed her phone. To text, access the internet and make calls. So, I got online and sent out and SOS to my Queer Moms and lo and behold! Someone who lives in Northampton e-mailed me and asked what they could do. She ran out at 9PM at night after conferencing a phone call between Gillian and I with her and got her a phone charger! Once she met Gillian and found out she was pre-med, she went back out and brought her back some reading material! Gillian was so happy! And I was very relieved. And I had an extra pair of eyes! Thank you so much to our angel!<br /><br />Katie is busy in second grade. We had a great parent - teacher conference where we learned that she is starting a third grade reading level. Her wonderfully nurturing and experienced teacher has been working hard to challenge Katie to work hard and do her personal best. It's no suprise that she likes to read as I am always with a book in hand. But, one thing that does escape me is the fashion diva that she has become. She can only wear certain brands.....seriously! So, my days of buying expensive clothing are pretty much over. I still order custom outfits that she pics out, but other than basic Mini Boden and Hanna Andersson, we are a Justice, 77 Kids and P.S. household. I just took a HUGE bin of clothing to a high end consignment store and am looking forward to a nice big check in January! I used to justify my spending lots of money on clothes for her by selling on e-bay, but sadly, e-bay has become so hard for sellers to make any money that I decided that this check with go towards a vacation! <br /><br />I have great news about my back and leg! I finally caved in and tried the Spinal Neurostimulator trial! It was like a miracle! The first night I was sore from the procedure, but the second night, I slept 6 consecutive hours for the first time in 10 years. I woke up more refreshed than I have in a long, long time. I went to Church on Sunday and SAT for the entire service (standing up and sitting down caused a lot of pain because the leads were still on the outside) with no pain! What a miracle! I am scheduled to have a permanent system implanted sometime in the next 2-3 months. I can't wait! <br /><br />We are eagerly looking forward to Christmas and all that it brings with it. I love that Katie looks forward to Santa coming and going to church and the magic that comes with the coming of the Christ Child. We are singing the Messiah this coming Sunday in Choir and I am looking forward to it. It really helps to bring in the Christmas spirit.<br /><br />Well, that is the update for now. I have been reading a lot of books and should update you about the good ones and not so good ones. Maybe the next blog, will be about that!<br /><br />Well, I need to get Katie to bed. I promise to write more and write it sooner. Actually, maybe I will throw some pictures your way!<br /><br />WendyGandksmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06961626339438692658noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26421656.post-78879246599625262722010-08-17T19:07:00.002-05:002010-08-17T19:13:01.115-05:00We're off to see the....Well, we are off in a couple of weeks to drop Gillian off at college. I can't believe it. Never thought I would see the day. And I am a whirlwind of mixed emotions. I remember when I went to college. Boy, was it different. I had pretty much lived on my own since I was 16 and did things my way anyway, but this was really being on your own. I don't think Gillian get this. I think we'll be getting a lot of phone calls about money and other things that she doesn't get. But, we'll deal with that when we get to it. Right now, I am just dealing with all the seperation that we are going through. I think Gillian is feeling sad that she is leaving, anxious with what she will have to deal with and excited about the whole thing. And her way of dealing with emotions is to stick them in a pot and stir. And keep stirring until she has a bubling pot of emotions that she throws up on us all. And then we all react and it's not pretty.<br /><br />So, less than 3 weeks before she is launched. I would like to pat myself on the back for getting her there.<br /><br />And I have been quilting and reading. I have read lots of books but haven't been keeping track. Sad, I know. But, that is my escape. And quilting....I just started my nephews quilt. I think it will turn out nice.<br /><br />My poor arms are getting tired so that is all for now. More later....<br />WendyGandksmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06961626339438692658noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26421656.post-3867195049459010872010-08-04T17:44:00.002-05:002010-08-04T17:52:20.875-05:00Summer is winding down....Well, like most of you, I have been unbelievably busy this summer. I wish I could say that I have spent the summer resting and getting ready for the school year. Well, that part is right. Gillian will be 18 tomorrow and going off to UMass Amherst in the Fall. We leave on the 4th of September and drop her off on the 5th. Katie then starts on the 8th. I am (hopefully) done dealing with the loan and it will hopefully get to the school before her bill is due so that they don't cut her housing off. It's been keeping me up at night and generally making me miserable. Yeah, me! I have basically done everything to keep the balls up in the air so that this child gets into college. It's going to be a hard break for both of us, I can tell you that for sure. 18 years ago today I was admitted into the hospital to be inducted. 27 hours later Gillian was born. In a short month she will be leaving my fold. How sentimental is that?<br />Gillian texted me last night and told me that she was getting a tatoo this week. :::::sigh:::::: She wants to get one that says "No colon, still rollin" which is what she has on a shirt. I realized for the first time that I can't say NO! Weird.<br /><br />Katie is no longer interested in wearing clothes that I spend a lot of money on. I should be putting things up on e-bay right now and I just haven't had the time to do it. I am going to miss my time frame if I don't hurry up!<br /><br />So, off I am to post to e-bay......my ebay ID is gandksmom1967 Mostly will be selling 7/8's!<br /><br />WendyGandksmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06961626339438692658noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26421656.post-3050086128790080262010-06-08T11:00:00.004-05:002010-06-08T11:25:18.426-05:00Changes are a comin'Well, I decided that I have all these feelings inside me and BIG changes are coming and I don't want them to get lost. So, what better way than to blog. So expect more blogs, more often, maybe 2 in a day!<br /><br />Let me recap for you where we are! Cheryl is still working at as a Cytotechnologist at Upstate. We are so lucky that she has a job in this economy along with health insurance. It's not lost on me that we could be one of those who don't have insurance! Gillian is 17, getting ready to turn 18 and along with this means that she will be graduating in a couple of weeks. Katie is 7 and in first grade. She is very much looking forward to the summer and running around and playing with her friends. As for me, I still struggle with my health and different diagnoses. SO, you can see there is so much to write about.<br /><br />Last night Gillian had her award ceremony. I was beyond proud when she won a excellence in Math award and a scholorship for her integrity and a leader for peace. She worked so hard this year to keep her grades up and will be heading off to UMass Amherst in the fall. SO much to write about! I keep thinking that everything she does is the last time she will be doing it....it's last award ceremony for High School, it's the last semester in High School. It's not lost on me that there will be a lot of new beginnings too, but I remember her the first day of Kindergarten and her little feet didn't even touch the floor when she sat at her place at the table. Gillian leaving is going to be interesting. I know that she will be coming back for holidays and visits, but it really is the first step to her leaving and her not being here daily will mean it's just the 3 of us. Of course I have the worries that all Mom's have about sending their babies to college. I have been trying to do less, and spurring her to do more so that she can learn how to make a MD appt, learn to use her health insurance card, etc. Life is such a learning experience and she is getting a crash course in it. <br /><br />Katie will be moving to second grade next year. We finally discovered that she is lactose intolerant and has been having a much better time with her tummy aches. I pray that she doesn't go on to develop Ulcerative Colitis like Gillian. Keeping the prayers going that she doesn't develop it. Katie is just a creative and enjoyable little girl. She likes to play with her friends and has taken a shine to a little toddler that lives across the street and loves to "mother him"when they are outside. She desperately wants a little brother or sister, but that just isn't in the cards. She is going to be a fabulous mother someday!<br /><br />As for me, I am again being tested for MS. I have a brain scan on Thursday which I think will be clear. I really think that my leg numbness and tingling is coming from the back surgery. The scan's don't show anything pinching, but I just don't think I have MS. I think the most frustrating symptom I have is word recall. It's scary as well. Just not being able to remember or recall an everday word is scary. I have been reading like crazy, mostly because I want to keep my mind sharp. I have also been quilting a lot more. I finished a wall hanging for Katie's Kindy teacher (never did get around to giving her end of the year gift...better late than never) that had me doing Prairie Points, which I have never done and I am sewing the binding onto a table runner for her teacher this year. I will take pics of both and upload them and show pics. I started to make Katie a dress out of a Jelly Roll (fabric strips), but didn't like the colors and decided to make a quilt instead. I am just making it up as I go, mostly just to get it ready to bind so I can pracice binding. I had forgotton how to do it because it has been so long since I last bound a quilt. After that one, then I am going to start on my Nephew's quilt. About 2 years ago he picked out fabrics that he wanted me to make a quilt with. I have about 5 quilts that need to be quilted, but it takes sooooo long on my machine. I think I am going to send them out to be done on a Long Arm and then bind them and then they are done! YEAH! My dream is to get a Long Arm and eventually make and sell quilts at craft shows (once I get talented enough that is)<br /><br />OK, my arm and hand is cramping up so I am going to go. I am sure that there will be more soon. I have so much to write about.......like my upcoming trip to MA for Gillian's orientation, her graduation, etc.<br /><br />Later......Gandksmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06961626339438692658noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26421656.post-47763482926129350742010-04-21T15:57:00.002-05:002010-04-21T16:05:48.972-05:00Springtime updateWell, so much for my desire to blog everyday! Everytime I think about getting on the computer to do that, I wade through the mail, read a couple of blogs and then get distracted. <br /><br />This week is spring break and the kids are antsy and want to go, go, go. I am sore and tired form being rear ended in MIL's car on Friday. Not sure there is any lasting damage. I was taken, by stretcher to the hospital with Katie in the ambulance with me. Because the crash wasn't just minor (his car was totaled) they said it was mandatory for her to be seen in the ER. She was a trooper. I was in agony. My back, as most of you know has a lot of hardware in there from surgery I had in 2007. The x-rays didn't show any fractures, but upon further notice, they said that one of the cages they put in might have shifted and is impinging on a nerve. So, I went back to the ortho that did the surgery and he is ordering an MRI, but they can't get me in until May 4th. I also consented to having a caudal block (basically they take a long needle and put medicine up by your tail bone). It hurts, badly. But if I can get some of the tingling and numbness to go away I will try it. Katie was fine, just shook up. She was like a rock that little girl. She seems to be a little less wary although a good night sleep would be nice.<br /><br />I must admit that I am beginning to wonder if life is ever going to get better for me? The constant pain that I am in is beginning to wear me down. I can't seem to get enough sleep and I just want to be out of pain. I want to be able to walk, sit down and stand like a normal person. <br /><br />OK, I am not going to make this a whining post. Spring is blooming all around with the promise of summer right behind. It's always nice after a gloomy winter. Hope. It's what I hold onto!<br /><br />WendyGandksmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06961626339438692658noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26421656.post-69275764070973722632010-02-21T16:36:00.002-05:002010-02-21T16:55:59.118-05:00Florida or bust!Well, our trip began last Saturday at 6:00AM when we loaded up the kids into the car and took off from W. Palm Beach FL, in search of sunshine and warmer weather. We drove to Statesville N.C. the first night and stayed at a Courtyard by Marriott. The guy that checked us in practically peed himself when he realized we were family and even said that Gillian favored Cheryl. LOL! We got a good chuckle out of that. <br /><br />So, quiz time...what was going on in Florida, on the East Coast at about 4PM? That would be correct, the Daytona 500. We were thankfully saved by a pot hole that I believe God put there just for us to get through the area and not hit traffic. We made it to Cheryl's sister's by 6:30PM and got ready to hunker down for the night. Katie freaked out when she saw palm tree's and Gillian was actually in a pretty good mood.<br /><br />On Monday we went to the mall to pick up another air mattress for Gillian as the one we had, had a slow leak in it. They had a Naartjie store there and I had to shop there. I had never been on one and it was soooo cool. We got some errands done and just went back to the house to chill out and recover from the ride down. <br /><br />On Tuesday, Cheryl's sister took the girls to a game place for the day and Cheryl and I went to Vero Beach to visit friends of ours from church who winter down there. We had a nice lunch and then went to the beach and walked in the sand and had some ice cream. Then we headed back South to Candi's (Cheryl's sister) and the older folks (Cheryl, Gillian and Candi) went to a movie and I stayed back with Katie and put her to bed and went to bed myself.<br /><br />On Wednesday we went to the beach to have lunch with one of Cheryl's nephew and then went to Lion Safari, where we were treated to all kinds of animals wandering around our car. They had some rides that the kids went on and then we went back to Candi's before heading out to her friend's horse farm, where both Katie and Gillian rode Cheyanne. They loved it. Home for dinner and bed!<br /><br />Got up early on Thursday to head to Sawgrass Recreational Park and went on one of the Everglade tours in those cool air boats. We saw one alligator sunning himself, but the rest, according to the guide were under water because it was so cold. Oh, did I mention that it never got above 70 the whole time we were there? BRRRRR! While at the Recreation park, the kids got to hold reptiles and other gross things. Lots of pics were taken, I just need to DL them here. Most of them were put up on Facebook.<br /><br />On Friday we were up at the crack 'O dawn to trek home. It was a long ride. I am crippled, but we made it there and back. I can say in all honesty that I will never drive to FL again. Ever. When we were about 45 minutes from Candi's house the girls were so horrible that I turned around and yelled, "Keep your hands to yourself and shut the fuck up!" Then Cheryl started laughing.....but only until we started down Candi's street and there was this circle thing we had to go around in the middle of the road and she said, "Who the fuck puts circles in the middle of the road?" and this from a person who doesn't generally swear! LOL! I do have to say that I95 brought out quite a lot of swearing from my normally docile wife.<br /><br />So, it was a fun trip and sunny. Just not as warm as I wished!<br /><br />Love,<br />WendyGandksmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06961626339438692658noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26421656.post-75491542859010136942010-02-11T14:06:00.000-05:002010-02-11T14:12:16.341-05:00Getting moving!I am having a hard, hard time getting moving today. I should be packing and I can't seem to function. I am tired and sore. I am just plain tired. I am going to go and take Katie to Grandma's and then go and return some pants that are too big, hopefully to get a smaller size and then go and drop Katie's swim form (well I lost the original, but going there to hopefully get a new one) at the YMCA. Then I am going to go and get Gillian from school where we will take off to go and visit one of her friends that is in the hospital. She has the same health issues as Gillian, although her surgery wasn't as effective as Gillian's, so she was in for another surgery. Then back to get Katie and home for dinner and getting packed. <br /><br />I really want to go to FL, but getting there seems BIG! Here is to some energy that I need to get going and get Katie and myself packed as well as over see Gillian's packing. Make sure that everything gets done.<br /><br />And of course my prescriptions need to get filled the day that we are coming home. UGH! Right now, all I can think of is WHY ME????Gandksmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06961626339438692658noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26421656.post-42409647778062865072010-02-07T12:45:00.002-05:002010-02-07T13:21:06.030-05:00Hard winter!Thank you Tracy for reminding me of my resolution. It has been such a hard winter and this was one of those things that have kind of gone by the wayside. And I have so much to write about. So, let me take them one by one!<br /><br />* Gillian just got an awesome report card. Made high honor role and even got 2 100%'s! I couldn't be more proud. All of the comments on her card speak to how hard she works and what a pleasure she is to have in class. We are still waiting to hear back from college's and it's a pin's and needles kind of wait. I don't think it will be an issue for her to get in, but until she gets in.....we just wait. I can't imagine in my mind what it's going to be like with her gone to college. Sometimes I just don't think about it at all!<br /><br />*Katie also got an excellent report card. She is above average on all her levels from reading to math and is also a hard worker. She, like her sister puts a lot of pressure on herself and we are working on the fact that it's OK to not be perfect. It's a hard lesson to be sure. She is going to be 7 in a few weeks and I have to just pinch myself to know that I am not living in a dream! 2 great kids. Who could be luckier!<br /><br />* Cheryl stays busy taking care of everyone! She is working full time and teaching Sunday school. We are having a lot of fun in our relationship and it feels so good. That isn't to say that we don't have our moments, but parenting Katie feels a lot easier now that we've been through it once! We recently went to see Wicked! and it was great. It's nice to get out of the house now and again. So much of my time is spent in bed and in pain that to get out and enjoy time with my wife is nice. She is my rock for sure!<br /><br />* Well, I am hanging in there. Some days are good and other's are bad. I am seriously considering Seminary again, something that I have come close to doing but something always stops me. Last time, Gillian got sick. Next year she is going to college and if I do the program in Rochester, it means I will be gone 1 night a week. And Katie has an issue if I am gone. I guess she would get used to it. I wonder if I can do the work. Today someone at church talked about being a hospital chaplain and I thought, "AHA!" "That is something that I can do!". It's a direction for sure.<br /><br />So, life continues. We are heading for FL next week when the kids are out of school. Should be an interesting trip. Likely our last one as a family! All these lasts......<br /><br />But lots of firsts too.....<br /><br />WendyGandksmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06961626339438692658noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26421656.post-88998415439010557682010-01-25T18:11:00.001-05:002010-01-25T18:13:07.248-05:00NYC tripI wrote a whole blog on it that Blogger ate. I am not going to write it over. It sucked. Not because SD (sperm donor) was an ass....it was much more than that. When I have the energy to write about it again, I will. BTW - it was a great trip for Gillian because I think she saw her SD for what he is and won't really be pursuing any kind of long term relationship.<br />WendyGandksmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06961626339438692658noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26421656.post-87726861289751360512010-01-20T18:05:00.002-05:002010-01-20T18:18:59.199-05:00I love getting screwed....So. My SSD end of the year forms come today and not only did they include the money my lawyer got, we were a couple of dollars over the limit of having my money be taxed. Now, I am hoping that because it clearly says on the sheet that X amount was for 2007 and X amount was for 2008 and then the rest was for 2009. I don't think that I should have to pay for money that I should have gotten in 2007 and 2008! I mean, I still had bills that I couldn't pay. I still have collection agencies calling because even though we took almost every single penny to repay bills that were just sitting there waiting to be paid, we won't have money to pay the IRS. <br /><br />I hate money. There has to be a way for us to live without money. This is just so frustrating.<br /><br />And you all know how I get just a little wigged out about traveling. Gillian and I leave on Friday for NYC. We are taking the train and then supposed to take the subway to Mitchell's apt. Gillian and I are both excited about spending time together and meeting Mitchell, but also a little nervous. I am just hoping that the weekend stay's relatively inexpensive. We are saving money like crazy to go to FL next month. We haven't had a vacation away since 2006 when we went to Cancun to celebrate MIL's 80th birthday. And she paid for that trip.<br /><br />So we are driving from Syracuse NY to West Palm Beach and I am getting excited and also dreading it a little. I don't know how this body is going to hold up to a drive like that. We are going to have to try and make a little bed for me in the back so I can lay down. Both girls will be hooked up electronically so this should ease the pain. Wish me luck. <br /><br />And last night I went into Katie's closet to get out the size 8 pants that I put away for when the 7's got too small and guess what? They were too small. The bright side is that I bought them from Mini Boden and they have a free return policy and they give me a credit for the entire amount that I spent on the pants. I wasn't going to get any spring, but Katie does need a bathing suit and some underwear (they have the best underwear for kids hands down) so I guess I will use my credit for that. I picked up a lot of 9's for next year during the warehouse sale, so I pulled them out and other than being a tad long, they fit fine. And I got a ton for summer this year, so I don't think I will have to get much other than a few neutral tee's and denim shorts!<br /><br />This is so disjointed and random.....but that is how my mind is tonight. Sorry!Gandksmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06961626339438692658noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26421656.post-40299688478509305832010-01-17T13:04:00.004-05:002010-01-17T13:27:47.476-05:00Coming to you from bed...pain and Cival RightsWell, I have a big week coming up with a bigger weekend and I am probably going to be seeing the last of my naps, so I am taking the afternoon off. I sleep alot and spend a lot more time laying down that sitting or standing. I just can't do it. Often times I am spending my time laying in bed watching the Travel Channel, like I am doing now. I am watching Andrew Zimmerman, but the perky blond, Samantha Brown is my favorite! <br /><br />Went to church this morning and sang in choir. One of the nice things about being in choir is that you get to do a lot of sitting and standing. I can't sit for long, remember....?<br /><br />Yesterday I went to a seminar from an Institute down in FL on non-invasive back surgery. They go in with a tube and do laser surgery and put some little instruments down the tube to take things out, shave things down, etc. I have a lovely mass of scar tissue under one of my screw heads that is sitting on my Sciatica. Ouch isn't the word. It Hurts, A LOT! I am losing the function of my right leg, which of course is my driving leg and I don't think I am going to be walking very long. Which is an issue, because I can't sit. SO, I hope that I don't get bed ridden!<br /><br />Enough of that stuff. Today in Adult Forum at church we had 2 people talk about their experiences during the Cival Rights movement. It's interesting because the book that I just finished reading, Alex Cross's Trial was about a real trial that happened during the Cival Rights movement. It breaks my heart to know that discrimination still happens today. I have worked long enough as a social worker to see discrimination first hand. My Grandfather used to say all the time, "I was poor and we just pulled ourselves up by our bootstraps and went to work and made something of ourselves!" No matter what I said......Like, "Well, you were Male and White and had options that African American's or Women had...He didn't want to hear it. He thought he was integrated because he had black friends...and that is what he would say, "My black friend...." I don't think I ever heard him say, "My white friend....." He didn't get it. Or maybe he couldn't. I think there were 2 things that made me the angriest. When my grandparents were getting ready to buy a house in FL, the town they picked was Steinhatchee. Why? Because the only black people were the one's who delivered stuff to town and left. WTF? Seriously? How could you live in such a place. The second was more mind blowing to me than that. When Gillian was 3, I took her to Springfield TN to visit my cousin. She and her husband owned an antique shop at first. Springfield is about a half hour north of Nashville. She proceeded to show me around town and then pointed out all the sites winding up in the "black" section of town. Yes, according to her, the blacks knew where to live and didn't live outside their area. WHAT? But I think the thing that stunned me the most was when we were in line at a grocery store and a black person moved out of line and let us go in front of him. I thought he was just being kind and mentioned this to my cousin afterwards and she just said, "Black people around here know better, whites go first" Again,.....WTF? My cousin really wanted me to move down there but no way was my daughter going to grow up in that kind of atmosphere.....I can't imagine it's gotten any better. So, so sad.<br /><br />I had the awesome chance to work at an agency back in 2000-2002 where I was 1 of 3 white people who worked at an almsot all African American agency. It was strange at first, but it gave me a clue as to how it felt for someone who might be AA coming to work just about anywhere else. I laid low and learned more than I ever have. I learned that we didn't start the day until we ate breakfast. There was a woman who cooked every morning. Grits, eggs, toast, etc...and we had out morning meeting over breakdfast. Nothing was really timed. Home visits were done to other AA families but there were no set times. And they were accepted into AA homes much more readily than I was, no suprise there. But as time went on, the neighborhood knew who I was and I was accepted. I didn't have fear walking on the West Side (although Cheryl was) and never managed to get shot at. It was the best learning experience I have ever had.<br /><br />So, this is long and I am ready to take a nap. Thanks for pulling up a chair and reading. Any questions?<br /><br />WendyGandksmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06961626339438692658noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26421656.post-24704359932863327162010-01-14T17:26:00.002-05:002010-01-14T17:36:47.125-05:00The BIG meetup!As I alluded to in my Facebook status, Gillian and I are traveling to NYC next weekend to meet her sperm donor. Never in a million years would I have ever thought that we would even know who he is, let alone have the chance to meet him! <br /><br />It all started when I contacted the Sperm Bank last year when she was so sick and wanting more medical infomation on her donor. They said that he actually wanted to be known to any of his off spring should they want to meet him. Lots of talks led to me sending a release to the Bank and then we got his name, e-mail address and we contacted him. I felt him out and thought he sounded like a nice guy. Has some books he's written, big time into holistic health and has traveled extensively regarding this issue. Also is a psychotherapist and acupuncturist. Since Gillian is going to be 18 this year, I gave her his e-mail address so that they could have whatever conversation they wanted. A few months ago we decided that we would meet. It's just going to be Gillian and I, as Cheryl is staying home with Katie. Don't need to confuse the 6 year old, who incidentally has a different donor than she does.<br /><br />So, his name as you might know from Gillian's status, is Mitchell and we are taking the train to NYC next weekend to meet him. We are actually staying with him since it's so expensive to stay in Manhattan. I am nervous, excited and just wondering who this person is that is the other half of my daughter's genetics.....<br /><br />WendyGandksmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06961626339438692658noreply@blogger.com0