Memories....

I have been reading back through the old blogs that I have written and gee, what a sad sack I have been! Depression sure is the theme. I am hoping to change that this year. Gillian will be heading off to college in August, so there will probably be a lot of posts from me about college stuff. She applied to 7 different schools, so I imagine after the new year, we will start getting acceptence letters. Then Cheryl and I will be sitting down and trying to figure out with her what school she can afford. We are hoping that with her grades and learning disabilities that she gets some scholarships. But with everything where there is a will, there is a way.

The best news, and I don't think I updated anyone is that I finally got SSD! WHOOO HOOOO! The judge was a dick and only said for 2 years, but I finally got it. And the retro money was just enough to pay off enough of our bills that we can finally get the bill collectors to stop calling. We still have a lot to pay off, we weren't able to get a van, but hey, we have enough each month now to pay the bills, get groceries and not have to hold our breath that something major was going to happen. Of course, I wanted to take the money and go on a nice trip. But thankfully Cheryl convinced me it was better to pay the bills! LOL! So, we are living life instead of holding our breath. We can actually give back for once, after all the getting we received. The other day, I was in McDonalds and they were doing a fun raiser for a local Ronald McDonald's house. They asked someone to step up and donate $100 and I did. It felt soooo good. Now, when someone else is in need, I can give to them. Let me tell you, giving never felt so good. Now I can understand why folks gave to us when we were so desperate! It feels good to help. And the Regent that someone bought us a couple of years ago was gifted to someone who needed a safe car seat.

So, there you have it! Life is getting better and better. I am still considering Seminary, but for now am looking into auditing courses at SU in Religion to see if I can do it. But God is calling me to do His work. And where He calls....I go!

Happy 2009! And here is to a great 2010!

Wendy

Cook or be cooked....

Kate got this game for the Wii and it's HARD. We can't even fry the damn eggs or get the bacon the right temp. Heck, we can't even turn the friggen stove off and on. This is going to be a great game for Katie because she'll be able to figure it out eventually and then be off to cooking school. She also got Cooking Mama for her DSi and Diner Dash which she loves. An Easy Bake Oven....do we see a theme here? LOL! Gillian got her new computer and SIMS 3 which keeps her glued to the screen for a long time. At least until I offer to duel with her with the Nerf Wii! LOL

We had the greatest time last night playing Wii Resort. (I feel like I am becoming a commercial for electronics here) They have a sword game and I beat the tar out of the other jouster....hey, did I already post this yesterday? I feel like I am repeating myself. Must be because I haven't done anything yet today except take Katie to her friends house. But, let the games begin! Wii Nerf here I come...if I can get Gillian away from SIMS 3. I guess I will just have to try and finish The Scarpetta Factor by Patricia Cornwall. Don't buy it. It's not that good. I am trying like heck to slog through it.

Also, if you are reading me....let me know! Let me know what you want to know more about....the kids? Sewing and quilting? Electronics? Books? I aim to please!
Wendy

Wicked good!

Guess who got 6th row seats to Wicked for Christmas???? I did! I did! I am so excited to go and see the show. Ever since I read the book, I have wanted to go.

We celebrated Christmas with Grandma yesterday and the whole family got Wii Resort. Yahhoooo! It's so, so much fun! The sword fighting game is great for getting your aggression out and I might not be able to play basketball in real life, but I can sink those 3 pointers on Wii! Katie got Cook or Be Coooked for the Wii, but we haven't tried that yet.

And what holiday wouldn't be complete without a visit to the ER. We went to see my Grandmother yesterday and she couldn't even move without being in agony. So, we had to call 911 to get her into an ambulance and then to the hospital where they put her out in the hallway until 6:30 this morning! They finally admitted her after I got into a huge fight with my sister and the doctor. Family drama! My grandmother is going to be fine, but will be in pain for a while. I know the pain as I feel it in my own back and leg every single day.

The kids are off this week, but I am still going to try and post every day unless something drastic happens and we have to take someone to the hospital! LOL! Until then my good friends, I will talk with you all tomorrow...that is if there is anyone reading....
Wendy

Early New Years Decision!

I am going to try and update this blog daily if I have any readers left! I went back and looked at all the memories that I have created. I started this blog when Katie was 3 and have the best memories.

We had the best Christmas ever! Although I have to admit that I was really, really tired. I went to both Christmas eve services and barely made it through the 11:00 one. I really thought that the singing was going to uplift me and make me serene, but all I really wanted to do was lay down and go to sleep. I did go back to bed after the presents were opened. Gillian got a computer and Katie got her Nintendo DSi and both were very happy with their gifts. I got some great things from Femine Creations and some great gift cards. Cheryl also gave me a CD player that plays diretly from my IPhone. Oh, and just so you know....Katie got a wheelchair, casts and bandages for her American Girl doll. I wonder what is in store for the poor doll?

I think it's going to be a long week. The kids have nothing planned and I usually spend my days laying around and laying low. I will have to find some things for them to do.

So, this is the beginning. Can't promise that everyday will be interesting....but there will be something every day!

Oh dear

I am not going to promise anymore that I am going to keep this blog up to date. You get what you get! LOL! Those of you who read me often, know that this is a hard time of year for me. The loss of my son Jared in September 1999 and the anniversary of my father's death in October. Add to that, on October 19th a friend of our family and an esteemed member of our school district died tragically. She leaves behind a life partner, 2 sons and 2 grandsons. I am trying to be here for her partner. I just can't imagine losing Cheryl. Scares me to death. So, I don't want to get all maudlin here. Just want to check in and let you all know that we are keeping on. More later when I can write.

What a weekend!

I started the weekend by joining 6 good friends from church at VanderKamp up in Cleveland NY for our Sacred Circle (from church)and had a wonderful spiritual retreat. For the sake of privacy, I am not going to go into detail what we did, but it was awesome. We did "walk" in the woods and had lots of good food. We laughed a lot (as in BELLY laughing) and told wonderful stories. To say that I came away refreshed and rejuvinated in my soul is an understatement. But lurking beneath that was the knowledge that our beloved Minister of Music's last Sunday would be the very next day.

So, as all things must do...time marches on and today came. I wanted it to last forever. Her last time at rehersal, her last time on the organ, etc. As we made our way up to the balcony, I savored every last minute. There were tears. Lots of them. Folks that had left the church came back to sing and fellowship. There were lots of tears, smiles, hugs, etc.

I have so much more to write, but I can't. It will have to wait for another day. There is a husband to write about who was significant in my life too.

Goodbye dear friends. I hope we meet again someday.

I love you both, my sister and brother in Christ.

Wendy

Clothing addiction

Yes, I have one! I went to the Boden warehouse sale and got about $900 worth of clothes (for next year) for $160! Including in this was a great long wool duffle coat that resales for $88. I was stoked. The rest of the stuff that I got was for next summer and fall.

I placed my Mini Boden order and bought mostly pants and was really disappointed when they came. The only pants that really fit well are the Lined Cord Baggies and Heart Knee Patch pants. The rest of them got sent back. I will be showing you all a fashion show at some point when I the moon aligns and Katie is willing. LOL! Our good friend Kate from Monkeysbug tee's (google her seriously...she makes the most adorable stuff) and she made Katie a First Grade Rocks tee with jeans that have awesome appliques on them to match. She threw in a cute headband to boot. I can't wait fo the first day of school. I also had Francoise Lama Solet make us a couple of cute outfits. One if for summer and one is for winter. We just got the summer one and the winter one is on it's way. And I am getting ready to put in my order for www.everythingbuttheprincess.com She has the most incredible stuff. I have to wait for my refund from my Boden duds before I can put in my other order. Gap also has some very cute fall stuff. They had some cute tunic tops with opposite capri's that look a lot like Hanna Andersson's Play All Day Sets. They are really thin compared to Hanna's but they are cute. I still have some cute Hanna's from last year that will fit.

Did I mention that Katie doesn't really need anything? Gillian either, but they both get a ton every year. Anyway, I will put pictures up as they come. I still have pictures from Dutch Wonderland and Lancaster PA. They are on the computer, I just need to get them up!

What to do?

I think I mentioned a year or so ago that there was stuff going on in our church that pretty much centered around me, or to be specific, my being gay. So, I need to tell the story because I don't want it to get lost and truth be told, it's still affecting me today.

About 1.5 years ago, a position opened up on the board for Staff Support Chair. This pretty much entailed doing what I had done most of my life. Let me just interject here that we had just hired a new pastor. I think you will understand why this is significant down the road. Anyway, if I were to take on this new position in the church, you have to be an ordained elder. This would be the first problem. I brought my concerns to the moderator who assurred me that it wouldn't be an issue in the church and I really think he believed that, since our mission statement specifically states that our church doesn't discriminate on the basis of sexual orientation.

So, guess what? It turns out that it was a big issue. Our church is a combined combination of a presbytarian and baptist congregation. And there are some little words(well actually they are regular print, but should be in bold) in the Presbytarian Book or Order that says Ordained Elders have to follow certain rules, like chastity in singleness and fidelity in marriage. You would think this wouldn't be a problem since I have never cheated on Cheryl, but you would be wrong. Because they define marriage as between a man and a woman. Oh yes, they do. But you aren't suprised are you?

Lots of folks at our church thought, well, we are progressive, so what's the big deal? The big deal was that our new pastor wasn't willing to put her own ordination on the line and ordain me. So began a loooong process of convening a task force to look at the issue, letters being written (and some of those were really, really hard to hear, I have to tell you)

All this time folks were checking in on me and making sure that I was OK with everything going on and I just said yes, because who really wants to hear no. Many dear friends have left the church over this issue and it pains me to my core. Many good friends have stayed.

So, why did I stay? I really don't know how to answer this question. Part of me feels as though I had to stay to show everyone that I was OK, that "I" wasn't going to drag a church through the grindstone and then desert them. But that is what I feel like doing. I still harbor a lot of anger towards the pastor, who could have stood up for me and for GLBT folks. I am still filled with grief over folks who have left and wish everyday that I had the guts to stand up and say, "You know, I am done with this, I am sorry for everything that has happened, but I just can't stay." I feel as though by my staying I am not standing up for what happend to me.

I am sure as you are reading this (if I have readers left) that you can hear the pain in my words. That you can tell that I am conflicted and that I really don't know what to do. I feel by staying that I am saying, "What you did to me was OK" and you know what? It wasn't.

It's so damn complicated. I think this issue is keeping me from moving forward in my relationship with God. Maybe I just am not the church going type? Maybe I need to find another church? I really don't know. I just know that I always attend church with a smile on my face and tears in my heart......

A little story to tell

In all of my sadness of losing my Aunt Lottie, there is a story to tell. Most people don't even know their great aunts, let alone have the privilege to not only know them, but love them.

The story starts when I was a young girl. My grandfather who died about a year and a half ago and 3 of his brothers and their wives always vacationed up in Canada about an hour and a half northwest of Kingston. This is seriously God's country here and my mother always had her cousins to play with while the 3 couples rented camps during the summer. My mother is still close with some of those cousins. The year I was born these 3 brothers and their wives bought 3 plots of land on lake Kashawakamak and built 3 camps next to each other. My Aunt Deloris (now deceased) and Uncle Ronnie, Aunt Lottie and Uncle Bob and my grandparents all had their land and built their camps each one helping the other. This helping each other continued until about 5 years ago when they began to get frail. Every summer for as long as I can remember, my Grandparents would take my sister, me and my cousin up to camp and my aunts and uncles would bring their grandchildren up to camp too. So, I always knew my second cousins well and would play with them, swimming, fishing and best of all, working on a play that we would put on near the end of the week. We'd always charge admission and our grandparents would always pay and Aunt Lottie would always bake up a storm. She would make the most wonderful eclairs and pastries and we'd sell them too. So we'd goof around, do our play and just have a marvelous time. I have a picture that I treasure of all of us grandkids in my Aunt Lottie/Uncle Bob's camp with bright smiling faces and tanned faces and arms. Aunt Lottie was also known as the candy lady. She always had stacks of candy and we'd go to her camp to fill our bags the first day and go back for refills as needed. This was true for my children as well, as they knew their Aunt Lottie well too.

Later on in years as I grew and began a family of my own, I got to know Aunt Lottie well. We'd talk about things and when I met Cheryl, she never hesitated to tell me how wonderful she thought she was. She was really the only one of that generation to accept openly that I was gay and we had a lot of talks about that. After we were grown and gone, my grandparents, Aunts and Uncles retired and everynight would rotate camps and play Uno, women against the Men and we'd always hear, who was winning, who had what best strategy, etc. This is as close knit as a family gets.

My grandmother and Aunt Lottie worked together for a time, serving lunches in the Syracuse district and the stories they can tell. My grandmother is still living and I will continue to cherish every moment with her. I can't imgine the pain that my mother's cousin's are going through, not to mention my second cousins. BTW - we never thought of each other as second cousins, ect. We always just called each other cousins and my great aunts/uncles were always just called Aunt/Uncle.

When my Aunt Deloris died about 3 years ago, my Aunt Lottie became depressed. When my grandfather died, she talked about wanting to die herself. Then her sister's husband died and then her sister. It became unbearable for her to process this grief. She was in pain from Lupis and had a hard time walking although she still got around pretty well. She had the most beautiful white hair and I will miss her walking over from her camp to ours and coming in to say hi. I will miss sitting with her and talking with her. I kept meaning to go out to her house and sit and talk with her and never made it.

So, I want to tell herhusband, Uncle Bob, her children, Charlotte and Bobby, her grandchildren, Connie, Robbie, Shelly, Jaime, and Sally Jo that I know your pain having just lost another leaf of our tree. But your mother/grandmother was one of a kind. She loved everyone and while she had her opinions, she loved you all so much. She loved us all so much. Aunt Lottie has gone on to a better place, this I know for sure, but I just can't help thinking, "They are falling, all around us, They are falling, all around us, they are falling, all around us, the strongest leaves of our tree." (Holly Near)

Yes, our tree will go on. It continues to this day. But watching those leaves rise up and leave is the hardest journey for me on this earth today.