Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Sent from ArtSweet

If I could, I'd invent a Magical wonderful medication that would make my spine all better. Then I wouldnt' have to be in pain anymore and I could do all the fun things that I want to do.

I sometimes buy clothes that my kids don't really need, because when I was growing up, I didn't have what I needed.

If you came to my house to play and touched my computer, I wouldn't be very happy. I seem to be very protective over that little gadget!

The colour/s hot pink reminds me of my little bug Katie who loves everything pink no matter the shade.

The colour/s Lavendar make me happy and light. I love the color of it and think that it tastes sweet.

Eggy things, okra, and eggplant are OK...except for the OKRA and EGGPLANT part. I like eggs, but please don't make me eat the other 2 or I will throw up...promise!

I might get sick or die if I touch or ingest: Spinich. My step-father made me eat it once and I threw up. Now, if I even see it (cooked that is) I gag.

George Bush and all his cronies make me sad. I wish I knew what happened when he was a little boy because then maybe he would come to me for therapy and we'd all be happier. Especially me!

I love the feel of my daughters when they cuddle with me...yes, even Gillian will climb up onto my lap and cuddle! They smell so sweet and just knowing they came from me...it's a world unto it'self!

No one should have to watch me eat chicken wings. Because I peel off all the skin and then, using my fingers, eat the meat out from around the bones.

I'm a grown-up now, so I don't have to do any damn thing I don't want to...well this isn't true now is it? I still have to work if I want money, I still have to take care of my kids because I love them, I....OK, dammit I do have to do all the things I am supposed to!

If I could invent a way to permanently coat my nostril hairs with this scent, I'd be my own biggest customer: Baby after a bath! There is nothing like that smell!

Three things I like that anyone might like: Reading, writing (blogging) and traveling.

Three things I like that nobody else in the world likes: OOOOh, this is a hard one. I like to sit in the dark and just think. I like to drink tea and I love to clean the cat box. (No, not really, just wanted to make sure you are still reading)

I have TOO MANY/TOO MUCH OF: Clothes - especially the ones that don't fit anymore

Okay, we know the best things in life aren't things, but these are the best things in life if there are going to be best things: Books, and make them free for everyone to read when they want to read them. And I don't mean the library. I mean go into a store, pick one off the shelf and read it for as long as you want.

When people have kind, sweet and nice things to say about me, they're usually talking about: How well I listen and how much I care.

It's true, I'm a social worker. And a pretty good one too!

If I could have any talent in the world, I'd choose the ability to get everyone to get along with each other and not fight!

You are given a day and a no-limit credit card to spend in one of these places, childfree. Choose one, or write your own:

An auction, where you never know what you want until you see it, and then you want it more than anyone. It's all about the adventure and the atmosphere.
A picturesque neon-lit bar, where a couple of swank cocktails and a friendly bartender might lead to a Chandler-esque story. It's all about becoming a character yourself.
A craft show, because you really need to find something attractive to cover your spare rolls of toilet paper with, and then, you want to maybe glue some paper to some more paper. It's all about making and doing.
A gourmet food store, because you are what you eat. It's all about feeding yourself and your soul.
A hoity toity boutique, because you'd rather have the experience of shopping gracefully than anything. It's all about quality time

I would choose a gourmet food store! I love to eat, but not to cook. Maybe if I had the right tools and ingredients I would get inspired! I would come home and make my family dinners that would wow them off their feet!

And here's the last chance to make sure that you're not going to get a "Jelly of the Month" club membership when you're expecting your bonus for a swimming pool. It is important to me that the items chosen for me (Examples: respect my Wal-Mart boycott, are vegan, aren't made by child or sweatshop labour, can be stuffed down my pants)

Aren't made in sweatshops and are organic.

And: If I could suggest that you read only one post from my archives, this would be it:

I would like you to choose what you would like, although I did just write one that I was hoping to hear some other people's experiences on!

And: If I were to name the Holiday of my choice for this exchange, it would be: Christmas. I love that holiday. It hasn't always held the best memories for me, but I am trying to carve some new ones out for my children.!

Apple picking

Well, since my last post was a dud, we'll just go back to the nice pictures. Here are some from the apple orchard.

My girls...

The three of us!

Katie riding Butterscotch!

Monday, October 30, 2006

For One More Day

By Mitch Albom

For those of you who have read this book, you know what a treasure it is. I am not going to talk about the book here, but rather take one part of it and explore it for myself. Then, I would like for those of you who want, explore it for yourself. Either in my comments, or leave me a comment telling me that you are going to explore it for yourself either in your blog or somewhere else....

Have you ever lost someone you love and wanted one more conversation, one more chance to make up for the time when you thought they would be here forever? If so, then you know you can go your whole life collecting days, and none will outweigh the one you wish you had back. What if you got it back? (Preface, For One More Day, by Mitch Albom)

When I first thought about answering this question, the most obvious answer was having one more day with my father. But losing my father at 10, I am not sure what I would say to him knowing it was the last day we were ever going to have together. So, going back to my 10 year old mind, here it goes:

Dad, the last day you and I had together was on a Sunday. Tammy and I were visiting you on our visitation day and we were playing together in the driveway. We were playing basketball together. It was a warm fall day and I had you all to myself, at least that is how I remember it in my mind. Dad, I would tell you I love you. I would tell you that I was being abused in the house that I was living in. I wouldn't keep it a secret from you anymore. I would sit on your lap and stare at your face so that I would never forget it. I would hold you and hold you and promise you that I would grow up to be somebody that you would be proud of.

OK...this is a lot harder than I thought it would be. I have to stop now, because I am crying and I want this to be a postive exercise.

What would you do?

Saturday, October 28, 2006

Our summer trip....

This summer we got free tickets to Enchanted Forest, Water Safari . This place has been around since I was little. Anyway, here are some cute pictures we took.

When you walk in, the first person you see is Paul Bunyon and it's standard fare to have your picture taken with him. I love how small Katie is next to him. I also love to compare pictures I have with Gillian standing next to him as the years have passed. This was Katie's first trip to EF! Here are some more pics of the trip....enjoy!

When we got the tickets, EF was only going to be open for 2 more days. It was FREEZING! First, the park is in the Adirondak Mountains where it's usually colder than any other place on earth. EF is also a water park. The girls, particularly Katie really wanted to go on the water rides. We have a couple of pictures of her with blue lips, smiling for all she's got coming off a freezing cold ride. It actually rained for part of the day, but just when we were going to call it a day, the sun came out. So we stayed.

We started at storybook lane and visited sleeping beauty, the crooked man, snow white and the seven dwarfs and peter's wife in the pumpkin shell. There were many more and we visited them all. Then we were off to the farm where we fed some deer and sheep. They have a small area of mechanical rides and Katie LOVED the Tilt O"Whirl, the upside down ferris wheel. YOu can see above her riding in the helocopters! She was very disappointed that she was too little to ride on the bumper cars. Gillian had a blast riding all the rides and even got Cheryl to go on the round up with her.

After that, we sat for the little circus and were quite impressed. We rode the little train back to the front and then went up in the "balloons". They are little seats with balloons on top that run along a wire and you can see the whole park from up there!

We'll hopefully go again next year with better, warmer weather and more water rides!

Friday, October 27, 2006

Trying to be upbeat

But I really suck at it. All week I kept thinking to myself, I'll feel better tomorrow and I'll blog about something good then. Well, it's Friday and I thought I'd better blog and it's going to be about being depressed, so stop reading now if you've had enough of my depressive shit.

There - now warned...I am so tired people. I am waiting to go back to my primary MD to see about this possible MS diagnosis. I had the MRI and I go back next Friday, but really, what the hell? I have so many of the symptoms. Cheryl says maybe they are from the medication. OK...I have been on high powered narcotics for a year now and I am just getting them? Nope, I don't buy it. I just don't want to walk through my life a slurring, stumbling idiot who can't remember words. I feel stupid. Wait, do I have a Master's Degree? Oh yea, I do, but I can't remember what I ate for lunch yesterday?

I am now taking Reglan. I was afraid to take it, but after Monday's barf session and my continuing inability to eat more than a few bites becase I am sick to my stomach (and I don't want to give the illusion that I am actually losing weight) I decided that something had to happen. So, I went to my back MD yesterday and asked about the Fentyl patch since I was thinking that it was the pills wrecking my stomach and he told me it's the narcotics making me sick. If I go on the patch (which he was willing to do) then I would have to take something for the nausea. Better take the Reglan and help the food pass through the stomach more quickly instead of it sitting there making me sick. So, I took one last night and woke up feeling pretty good. No upset stomach. I haven't eaten lunch or dinner yet, so we'll see how it works on a big meal.

I guess I am just depressed. I wish I had some friends that stayed home during the day. Friends that think like I do, other lesbian's with kids my age so we could hang out. My image is sitting on my sofa, drinking whatever we drink and the kids playing, and we are talking. They don't care that my house isn't spick and span because we know each other well enough that we don't care.

Back surgery. My regualar back MD wouldn't go over the results of the discography because he didn't do it. So, I have to wait till 11/21/06 before I know what she found. When we were talking about putting my on the patch, he said that he thought that it would take longer to get my dosage regulated than we had before I would have the surgery. Surgery? So, I am prett sure that is what her reccomendations are.

Crud. So, to all my friends that read me....thanks for hanging in there. You guys are great. I know you all don't respond, but I know you are there.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

I hate being sick!

Yesterday I woke up throwing up and running to the bathroom on the other end. Poor Cheryl got to wake up to me retching and like the good wife that she is, she held my head while I threw up and wiped away the sweat and chills that came with it. She took Katie to work to finish some stuff off and then took Katie to school and picked her up and kept her occupied the whole afternoon. I finally stopped throwing up and running to the bathroom and just slept. Today Katie is hanging out with her Grandmother because I am still soooo wiped out.

So, just a HUGE shout out to the one I love. Thank you for taking such good care of me hun! I love you!

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Like mother, like daughter?

What do you think?

Here I am at 5 mos

Here is Gillian at 5 mos

And Katie at 5 mos!

Thursday, October 12, 2006

My other sad Fall post

So, I told you all the other day that I couldn't talk about this next thing...so here it goes today.

When Gillian was 6, I decided that enough time had passed, I hadn't found another partner and I really wanted another baby. SO, I decided to go ahead and single parent another baby. I started when Gillian was 6, but it wasn't until she turned 7 that I got pregnant. From the beginning it was bad news. My first beta was 8. I scurried around the internet looking for success stories of beta's that were 8. Found a couple, but most were bad news. When I went for a redraw, it had gone to 17. It doubled, but it was still low. I went back 2 days later for another redraw (it was a Friday, I remember) and when they called me back they told me it was a 18 and that they were sorry, but I was probably going to miscarry. So, I went home and cried. On Monday I started bleeding and had what I thought was a normal period. Lasted about 5 days and was normal. I was afraid everytime I changed my pad I would see evidence of the miscarry, but didn't. (It was so early I don't think I would have seen anything anyway). I went back on Wednesday for another blood draw to make sure all of the HCG was out of my system and got a call that blew my mind. My HCG was over 2,000. So, I went in, and had a sono and there was the blink, blink of the heartbeat....in my right fallopian tube. I knew right away that there was something wrong, because it definately wasn't in my uterus. The RE told me that he was so sorry. We started out with methotrexate to dissolve fetal tissue and after 2 shots and continued rising HCG, it became clear that I was going to have to have surgery to remove the pregnancy. My baby. I checked into the hospital and was settled into my room to await being taken to the OR and a woman from vital stats came in to fill out the death certificate. OMG....the questions she asked....did you use drugs, drink alcohol, smoke cigarettes.....I screamed at that woman to get the hell out of my room. She did have me sign the death certificate before she left though. She told me that it was standard for anyone having an abortion to do this. I WASN'T HAVING AN ABORTION! But, I was, in a way, wasn't I? After that woman left, the woman in the bed next to me whipped the curtain back and told me that that lady had been there to talk with her before me. She kicked her out too. We got to talking and she was also having an "abortion" for a missed miscarriage. We talked until they took her down and while she was gone, they took me down. I remember being in the OR, shivering and my RE holding my hand while they put me under. I remember waking up crying, telling the nurse how much I wanted that baby.

A few weeks later we got the results back from the choromosome testing. A healthy baby boy.

I named my baby boy Jared Christopher. I like to think that he's up in heaven with my Dad. My Dad is taking care of his grandson while I am down here on earth taking care of his granddaughters. It makes me feel less sad to think of his spirit being held by my Dad.

So, September 19, 1999 stands in my mind as the day I lost one of my children. Some of you might think that he was a bunch of cells. To me, he was my son.



LOL..betcha didn't know that did you? How about you?

Tuesday, October 10, 2006


Fall is one of my most favorite months, but it is also the most difficult. There were 2 defining events that happened in Fall, that will forever change my life. When I was 10, my father was killed in an accident where he worked. The day is etched in my memory forever. I remember it being the most beautiful fall day. I went to school as usual and when I came out my mother was there waiting for my sister and I, and she had my step-sister with her. I immediately became suspicious because it was no secret that my mother and step-mother weren't friends. When we got home, the minister from my step father's church was in the kitchen. OK....I really knew something was up. I wish that my life ended there, because when my mother sat me down and told me that my father had had an accident at work, my life fell apart I rushed right through all of Kubler-Ross's stages of grief. I begged my mother to tell me that my father was OK. Was he in the hospital? Please, please tell me he's OK. When my mother took my hands in her's and knelt down in front of me to tell me that my father had died, I was crushed. Then became numb. I remember in full relief the entire wake, funeral and burial. I remember sitting in the folding chair at the funeral not believing that my father was in the casket. In fact, for years after his death, I would occassionaly tell myself that my father really wasn't in the casket, after all he was really hurt in the explosion right? Maybe it wasn't him, but someone else? I know now, it was him, but for a long time I wanted so much to believe it wasn't.

My father was and still is in a lot of ways my world. I loved him more than I had every loved anyone else on this earth. I was Daddy's little girl. I blamed everyone for his death. If my parents hadn't divorced, he'd still be alive, if he and my step-mother hadn't had a fight the night before he died, he would still be alive. I missed him most when my children were born. He would have been such a wonderful Grandfather. I missed him when I had my committment ceremony with Cheryl. I miss him every single year that passes on the anniversary of his death. When the fall comes, I gear up for the sadness that I know will be there. I go and visit his grave and clean it up for the winter. I talk with him and tell him everything that has gone on for the past year. And then, I tell him I love him and say Goodbye.

I know at the beginning of this post I said there were 2 defining events that happened, but writing this has just sucked the energy and emotion out of me. I will write about the other one later.

Sunday, October 08, 2006


We went to a Holly Near concert last night and had the most unbelivable time. I was on the planning committee and had the best time. Gillian and Holly had a most awesome conversation about Gillian's karate and I even got to shake her hand! LOL! Seriously, it reenergized me in a way that I needed to be. I love the way that Holly interweaves her stories with her songs in a way that the songs mean so much more than they would if she just sat there and sang.

Our president is a big bully. He and his administration are sending our children out to fight a war that we have no right being in. This I knew. What I learned last night was that it's not OUR children who are going off to fight, but the poor and disenfranchised who are being sent over with the promise of something BIG! And the biggest thing they get is killed and sent back home in a casket. If OUR children were drafted, we'd get up off our complacent asses and mobilize. But these kids are OUR kids too. If no one else stands for them, then who will? Will it be you?

Thursday, October 05, 2006


I should have clarified.....the previous post should have been labeled....music I would "like" to listen to. No, I spend most of my day listening to Laurie Berkner, Jack's Big Music show and well, you know.....

Now, the one day a week that I work, I could listen to music on the way to work on my tape player, but a couple of years ago Katie put a penny in the tape player and now I can't use it. Sucks to be me!

So, it's been a long time since I have actually listened to any of the music on my list. But a girl can dream right?

In other news, nothing much going on. I am off to the MD tomorrow for a neuro work up since I have been having some disturbing symptoms that I am hoping are just side effects of some of the meds I am on....Last weekend Cheryl and I took the kids to a nature park and when we were climbing some steps, I couldn't get my legs to work (this scared me the most), I have had some trembling in my left arm off and on, Cheryl has noticed that my speech is slurred sometimes and my eyes go wacky from time to time. My doc wants to check me out especially since the MRI saw something that could be a lesion on my spine. Those symptoms combined with the lesion could indicate MS. Personally, I don't think that's it. We still don't have a definite on the lesion on my back. They are calling it an atypical hemangioma.

Hmmm....can't think of much else. Girls are good, Cheryl is good...and life is mostly good.

Sunday, October 01, 2006

What Music are you listening to?

Tagged by Rae!

1. I am Willing - Holly Near

2. Baby Watch Your Back - Nellie McKay

3. Weave Me The Sunshine - Peter, Paul and Mary

4. I am Willing - Holly Near and Cris Williamson

5. Waterfall - Cris Williamson (Did the original) Holly Near and Teresa Trull sang an awesome rendition at Michigan!

6. Remember Who You Are - Cathy Bolton

7. Wrap The Sun Around You - Holly Near

8. Remembrance - George Winston

9. A Day Without Rain - Enya

10. Send In The Clowns - Judy Collins

It's so hard to pick my favorite songs...or even what I am listening to now because it depends on the day and the mood I am in. I love music and listen to just about anything. I am working with the Matilda Joslyn Gage Foundation as a volunteer and we are bringing Holly Near here next weekend so I have been listening to a lot of her stuff!

I tag.....Casey, Judy, Art-Sweet, Tracey, Laura and Care!

Bad blogger....

Well, just a post to update! My grandfather was having some difficulties again, but it turned out to be some gallstones. They were thinking it was a bowel obstruction, and how they got from that to gallstones, I have no clue. But since I have been crazy busy, I will just trust what they are telling me.

So, I went for the discography. It was single handedly the most painful experience that I have gone through. They basically take a needle and put it into your back and thread a catheter into the disc. They don't sedate you (although they did give some versed to take the edge off) and then they fill the disc with contrast and ask you to tell them when you have your everyday pain and then tell them when the pain is overwhelming. OMG! I am so glad that it's over. The MD doesn't like to tell you about the results because she thinks that the versed doesn't allow you to understand the results and my follow up appt. isn't until 10/23/06, but I asked her if there was a problem at least and she told me there was. I started to cry and told her "You mean, it's not all in my head?" and she told me that L4/L5 and L5/S1 are shredded inside. I asked if it was something that could be fixed and she reminded me about the conversation we had about my willingness to have surgery and then told me that we would talk more at my follow up appt. So, I am assuming surgery is going to be suggested. I am waiting for the final verdict though.

It is such an overwhelming feeling for me to validated. I think that a lot of people thought that my pain was all in my head and to have to it be real is BIG for me.

I will post more about the kids...doing some amazing things in a bit!