Tee Hee

I just went to look and see who has been reading me and some of the inclicks are too funny! One person found me by googling "Butches and Nursing"! No clue how they got to my page but it wasn't about any kind of discourse on my part about butches and nursing. But if you are reading, I am glad that you found me! I didn't realize that there were so many of you reading but not letting me know you dropped by! Hey, let me know when you drop by again would ya? I'll come and visit you if you do!
Wendy

Life.....

::Life loves to be taken by the lapel and told: " I am with you kid. Let's go"! ::
By Maya Angelou

I know it's not the New Year and I can't promise wisdom everytime I write, but I thought I would start out the after Christmas rush with some words of wisdom from some of my favorite authors!

No more waiting around and waiting for life to happen here! I am ready to go! It's a New Year soon with a new start. And new starts can only mean that we have another chance to get it right. With whomever we need to get it right with.

Wendy

The year 2007 in review!

Well, the year 2007 has been a long one. I will try and recap for all of you who love to know how we are doing.

Cheryl - Continues to work her butt off at Upstate to put a roof over our heads, food on the table and keep us all in clothes. She has been there over 10 years now and recently did a project that got national attention at the Cytotech Conference in Texas! I am so proud of my sweetie! She continues to teach at the medical school and contines to be the best partner and parent that I could ever imagine. Thank you sweetheart for taking such good care of our family!

Gillian - Is 15 and has been working hard in school and her grades have reflected this. She is in the 10th grade and makes high honor every semester and is on track to graduate with her class in 2010. Some of you know that she has struggled with learning disabilities and at first we thought it might take her an extra year. She is one smart girl and has moved herself right along. She continues to be pretty proficient in sign language and will be taking classes in the new year to become a certified sign language interpreter. She is taking a break from Karate right now to focus on school extra curricular activities, like trying out for the spring musical! We can't wait! Gillian has lots of good friends and they all get together to work on various causes. She is the head of her GSA and works really hard on keeping that group active!

Katie - will be 5 in 2008! Where oh where has my baby gone? Katie is in the 4 year old program in our school districts pre-K and get's to take the bus everyday to school. She loves taking the bus and loves going to school. She has already mastered simple addition and has begun reading already. She can read some simple books and has recently discovered the American Girls series! She is my girly girl all the way through. She has decided to be an Art teacher when she grows up and practices by doing Arts and Crafts everyday. She loves to draw, paint, color, etc. She has been doing ballet and had her first recital in June. I have to admit that I cried seeing her up on stage! She continues with ballet and recently started Cheerleading too! Her first game will be in January.

Wendy - Well, I had back surgery (laminectomy and spinal fusion on 2 levels) in hopes to solve my severe back pain. Unfortunately, things haven't gone as planned and I continue to have lots of pain. I had to give up the part time job that I was working because I haven't been able to sit more than 2 or 3 minutes at a time. I have been selling on e-bay and making some money doing that as well as learning to sew. It's a talent that I never knew that I had. So far I have been making quilts and clothes for Katie. My plan for 2008 is to continue to make custom outfits not just for the girls but to sell. I will continue to quilt also. I go into Katie's class on Friday's to help out when I can. I have been volunteering at church and am grateful to my church family for the love and acceptance they have showered on our family. I belong to several women's groups there and continue to learn about God's love through book groups and other groups the church offers. I hope to learn more about sewing this year and really get some cute outfits and quilts out for folks to see! As you can tell, I am quite excited about this!

I hope that all of you who read me have a wonderful New Year. I do believe that 2008will be a great one!

Wendy

Happy Holiday's From US to YOU

I wanted to pop in for a minute to wish everyone a Happy Holiday! It's been a long couple of weeks, these past few ones. I will try and bring everyone up to date and them thrill you all with pictures we had taken that came out great!

First off - Katie! School is going well and she really loves being in the 4 year old class. She was letter expert for the letter S the week before last and had to bring in some things that start with S. She also got to read a book to her class! I went in to listen to her read...what a treat! My baby, reading all by herself to her classmates! She got to talk about S, draw the letter S and teach her friends about the letter S. Last week she was friend of the week and it was all about Katie. She got to talk about her family, and although there were a couple of children who kept saying that Katie has a Daddy in her family, she very proudly told them that she had a MAMA! And I am happy to say that there wasn't anyone who said "You can't have 2 Mommies"! She got to wear a crown all week and we brought a special snack in one day. We being myself and Grandma Schmidt! Grandma got to listen to her read also! It was a very exciting week, ending with Thursday being a PJ party! Katie was thrilled to wear her PJ's to school. Outside of school, it was also busy with our regular activities, but it was also Cheryl's birthday and Cheryl asked her mother for tickets for us all to go see the Nutcracker Ballet. Given that Katie is taking ballet, we thought she would really enjoy it. Instead she played lap bingo between me, Grandma and Cheryl. She was more interested in knowing when it was going to be over, than actually watching the Ballet. But we adults and Gillian liked it a lot! Katie and I also attended a Teddy Bear Tea that same weekend which turned out to be one for the baby book! She got all dressed up and it was soooo fancy. It was just her and I and we were dressed to the nines as were all the other little girls. Mama even tied a fancy bow onto Fairy of the Dust(Katie's favorite bear) and everything. Well, have I ever mentioned that Katie is afraid of big, dressed up characters? Yep, you guessed it! We spent the entire time we were there with her screaming and running away from the bear. I have never seen her so scared in my life. They finally assigned a security guard to us, hid us in a corner so we could eat and then escorted us out "the secret tunnel" and we left ahead of everyone else to have our own Teddy Bear Parade over to the museum where we saw the festival of tree's. All the while I was frantically trying to get ahold of Cheryl to come back and get us because she dropped us off and ran errands. After we got to the museum, we saw the tree's and Cheryl called and I said, "please, please come and get us!". So, she did and we didn't see that bear again I am glad to say!

It was this same day that we had out portraits scheduled. We get to JC*enney and were told that they were running 30 minutes behind! Greeeeeaaaat! I do have to say that both girls were great in waiting and I was so proud of them. That place was a mad house though. I will think twice about getting pics done there again.

Gillian - Is doing great in school. I got a call the other day from her English teacher asking permission to move her up to a higher English class! Hooray! I am so proud of her. She is working so hard to overcome these learning disabilities! Now, if she could put some effort into common sense, we'd be all set. We are having some troubles, that I am not going into here for privacy reasons, but suffice it to say, raising a teen is so hard. The biggest news is that Gillian decided to stop doing karate for now. There are a lot of reasons both that include the Dojo she is at and personal, but she is missing out on so much high school life for karate and is wanting to move in other directions. She is going to be taking sign language classes in January (we think) that will get her ready to take interpreters classes and then work on being a licensed interpreter. Then she can get hired to interpret at different functions and get paid. She also wants to try out for the Spring Musical at school and is looking forward to that. Cycling for her black belt the past 9 months has made it impossible for her to do anything but karate. So, we just keep her moving! She is planning to go to the cotillion this weekend, so be on the lookout for pictures of that!

Cheryl - I wrote a huge post on Monday about Cheryl's birthday that apparantly Blogger ate! I apologize hun! My love turned ** on Monday! It also decided to storm that day so we had a very small party here at home and I made her her favorite dinner - Veal Marsala and her Mom made her her favorite Peanut Butter Pie! Yummy! I am so lucky to have been able to spend the past 8+ years with this woman. I know it hasn't always been easy, especially raising a highly sprited teen, but I do believe that God led us to each other for a reason and I am so very thankful that He did. I love going to bed next to you every night and waking up next to you the next morning makes life so much easier to face! So, thank you for another year love! And HAPPY BIRTHDAY you old lady you!

Finally - ME! I have been in a pretty solid funk lately. I have been reading a lot. Right now, I am reading The Almost Moon by Alice Sebold, but am also in the middle of the now famous, Eat, Pray, Love (can't remember the author and the book is upstairs). I also recently The Wednesday Letters (again, can't remember the author offhand) and I also highly recommend this book. So, as I tend to do, I immerse myself in reading to escape and I have been pretty successful in doing this. Of course that comes with a cost, and that is I haven't been quilting or doing other things that need to get done...AKA SHOPPING! Thankfully Cheryl has picked up the shopping end of this so there will be a Santa Virgina! I am going to quilt tomorrow when Katie is at school. I also have some fabric that I want to make a skirt for Katie out of. I would like to make something for Gillian, but am at a loss as to what to make. For those of you who sew, would you throw me some idea's on what to make a 15 year old who prefers mens/boys clothes? I am thinking of getting some flannel for her and making up a bunch of different pillow cases for her bed. Maybe even make some pillows out of left over fabric that I have from my quilt. We'll see.

So, that brings you all up to date. And without further ado....PICTURES!

From my Wish Filler!

On one of the boards I am on, we all got to make 5 wishes and someone picked this wish I made to fill for me!





I don't know who my wish filler is, but I do know who she got to make the outfit for me! You can reach her and see her work at SurferMomKelly

I am just over the moon and can't wait to get professional pics done! I hear there is some matching jewlery coming and then we'll head off to the photo studio and we'll be sitting on Santa's lap with this outfit too! Thank you again Wish Filler, whoever you are! And thank you to Kelly and her mom for such beautiful work!

Wendy

The good with the bad.....

Hoooy Boy! It's been a week around here. Some good news....I managed to snag a pretty decent sewing machine from a fellow E. Side Mom (name of my MOMS group) for $10 so I can keep on sewing. Couple that with the GC to JoAnne's and a local quilt shop that I got for my birthday and I think I have just enough money to get what I need to finish the quilt for my Grandfather for Christmas and get the supplies I need to make Katie another twirl skirt out of the most delicious fabric that I have had hanging around forever. I am happy. Also on the happy note, on one of the boards I belong to, they do a Secret Santa like thing. I got to fill out a wish list of 5 things that I wanted and I also get to pick someone's list of 5 things they want! Well, one of the things that I wanted was a custom made Christmas outfit for Katie (since I had one for Gillian at around this age and had fab portraits done with it). Someone picked my wish list and granted this wish! I am over the moon. And I have had so much fun filling my wish listers wishes too! Can't wait to send it out!

On the bad end, our beloved cat Chaz is ending his time here on earth. We woke up to him being very weak and hardly able to walk this morning. After lots of tears and talking about death with Katie, Cheryl took him to the vet who agreed that he is in kidney failure and as a last stop measure, gave him a shot of something to jump start his kidneys and maybe save him for a few more months. We have to take him back on Wednesday, and we'll know if this is working. If not, well then you get the idea. Please say some prayers for our little kitty man Chaz. He is/was Cheryl's cat before she met me, but as all cats do, he's wormed his way into all of our hearts and it's heartbreaking to see him so weak and fragile. And it breaks my heart to see my wife so sad as well as my daughter. She is taking this hard. She keeps telling us that if Chaz dies we'll have to go out and get another yellow cat and name him Chaz. I guess that is her way of dealing with death eh?

So, the good with the bad. Winter has struck here full force. We woke up to about 3" of snow on the ground this morning. YUCK! We all know how much I love snow.

Talk with you all later....

Wendy

What is a Stay At Home Mom?

Remind me again would ya? Since March, I have been a full time SAHM and haven't done much staying home. Today was one of those days that I didn't stay home. It started with putting Katie on the bus, taking Gillian to school, a quick trip to Starbucks (thank you whoever gave me the giftcard for my birthday)and then up to church for a 2 hour Church and Society meeting! Then I rushed home to meet the bus, took Katie to McDonald's for lunch (long story short, I promised her a trip there last week only to get there to find a bus load of kids waiting to be waited on and us needing to leave to make story time). So, into McDonald's we head (again, thanks to my sister for the birthday money) and we had a nice lunch together! We headed over to the children's store that it looks like I might be helping out in short term and then over to Grandma's to drop Katie off for her date! They went to see the Bee movie together while I ran to the high school to pick up Gillian to take her for her 6 month dental check up and cleaning. Then, we rushed back (HAHAHA - rushing back in rush hour traffic) to meet up with Grandma and Katie at ballet at 5PM. Sat there for an hour while she had ballet and talked with the youth minister about church stuff and then headed home. Got home and the wife was making dinner.....oh thank goodness for my wife! Had dinner and am now sitting down for the first time all day!

I love what I do! Of course if I would have been able to sew today, then life would have been perfect! But, the sewing machine is on the fritz and I have to make do without for now! Tomorrow will be another whirlwind day, so again I ask, who came up with the term SAHM? Because I don't know many that actually Stay Home! LOL!

Wendy

THE Birthday party!

What can I say? Cheryl threw me a birthday party to end all birthday parties today! All in all, we had about 65 people cycle through our house during the 4 hour time frame she asked people to come. She went all out with food and decorations including a cake (I need to download the pics)with pictures of me as a small child/baby.

I have never felt so much love. My grandparents were here. You might remember that the year before last my Grandfather came very close to dying. My mother is in end stage lung disease and was just discharged from short term nursing home rehab. She was here today. My friend of 20 years, who is recovering from a major stroke, came today. My friend from 6th grade (yes, you read that right) was here today! Folks that were near and dear to me that could come, did. And it felt so good to be with everyone.

The past 2 years have been so hard both physically and emotionally on me. I felt today as though all that washed away, leaving a clean slate for the future to begin. I felt so loved today, so cared about, but most of all, I was felt HAPPY today in a way that I haven't in a long, long time.

Thank you Cheryl for all the effort and energy you put into making my 40th birthday one that I will never forget. Thank you for loving me so much and for coming into my life and sharing it with me. I look forward to 40 more birthdays walking by your side!

So, if you were here today, and are reading this, Thank you from the bottom of my heart. You made my 40th birthday so very special.
Wendy

Sewing addiction?

So, my MIL's sewing machine was on the fritz yesterday and I just about went into withdrawl! I was in the homestretch of finishing my Grandpa's quilt top and I have 18 slings to put together for a friend of mind along with edging a few other ones that she needs! I had a panic attack for a minute there. I sent out an SOS to my Mom's group, just in case we couldn't get it working again, but thankfully it was just a dust build up that was causing the problem! So, quilt top is finished, 2 slings are done and 1/2 of another is bound. I have a lot of work ahead of me this weekend and I am looking forward to it. Just making something as simple as a sling is giving me more practice and skills that I need in making clothes.

Then I am going to get at my new fabric and start Katie's new skirt! I already got an offer of $50 for the Halloween one, but unfortunately that one isn't for sale and besides, it's not really something that I would sell. There are lots of mistakes that the untrained eye can't see. Right now, I am just practicing! Someday I would love to be able to make eye catching and beautiful clothes to sell!

And if you could all remember my cousin Shari in your prayers? Her father died unexpectedly this week and well, if you've ever lost a parent, then you know what she is going through. You are in my prayers Shari!
Wendy

Fall Harvest!

Well, blogger is being stubborn and only letting me upload these 2 pictures today! And I have a great one of Katie scooping out the yucky guts of a pumpkin too! Oh, well, it will have to wait for another day! I love fall and everything that comes with it! The apple picking, pumpkin pickind and carving. Today we will trick or treat with our Moms group and Wednesday, Katie and her Mama will go out trick or treating in the neighborhood while I stay home with my broken foot and watch a scary movie with Gillian! Fall is a very profound time for me, and I have started several posts about it, but couldn't quite put into words the feelings that I have about it. So, let me leave you with these happy pictures of my family! I deliberately left out the one of me in the wagon with my big cast/boot on! LOL!

The finished outfit!

Here is the finished product! I love how the skirt turned out with the shirt and tights to pull it all together! I will be starting my next project as soon as I finish the lap quilt that I am making for my grandfather!

Irrational fears

I wish I could kick this irrational fear thing that I have. And stop crying over every little thing. Everytime one of my kids gets sick, I worry about them being really sick even if they just have a cold, or them passing it on to the rest of the house. Gillian woke up sick this morning. She seems to be getting sick a lot. Add that to my 4 year old who always seems to need to poop right when the bus comes but doesn't want to miss the bus, I am getting pretty sick and tired of this....stuff!

But, the real issue is my fears. They are so out of control. Kind of like my life in a way. My house is a mess. I have no energy to clean, cook or basically do anything. I feel like a grouch all the time and then when something goes wrong, well, I just get grouchier. I feel like a bad mother. I know that I am doing the best that I can, but I just can't shake the feeling that I stink at being a mother. Like it's somehow my fault they got sick. Like it's my fault that Gillian has Ulcerative Colitis, like every thing is just my fault.

I forgot about my counseling appt. yesterday and feel terrible. I don't even want to go back to that counselor now. Maybe I just feel as though there is no one out there that can help?

I am just throwing stuff around this disjointed blog today. While I feel as though I need some down time, I feel guilty about that too. Maybe motherhood is one big guilt trip?

Sewing again

I am in love with fabric. There, I said it. I am in love with kids clothes, but moreoever, I am in love with fabric. Putting things together to make beautful clothes, quilts, you name it! I am in the process of finishing the lap quilt that I am making for my Grandpa (who looks amazing by the way!) and then onto my next project! I broke down and ordered some Baby Nay fabric off a website that I can't wait to get my hands on and start a twirly skirt for Katie. It's a patchwork fabric made out of mostly red fabric that I am going to make her for Christmas/Valentine's Day. I am hoping that I will have enough fabric to take one or two of the patches and applique them on the front of a plain white shirt. I can't wait to take my idea's out of my head and put them on the sewing machine! I can already see the finished skirt in my mind! This is so much better than actually buying the clothes themselves...well almost. It's a lot cheaper, that's for sure!

Today we went pumpkin picking today....well, let's say the girls and Cheryl did. I sat in the wheelbarrow while they picked pumpkins! I have to DL the pics, but I got some cute ones. It was so warm here today, in the 80's which is unheard of at this time of the year. Let's hope the warm weather holds out because Katie is going to be a mermaid this year and well, the costume just doesn't look the same with a turtle neck and long johns under it! LOL

More pics soon, I promise!

Altogether a crappy week

Well, the party was a bust and I feel so sad about that. But the other exciting news is that I broke my foot and sprained the ankle that I had reconstructed 7 years ago. Badly. I am so vain that I don't use my cane and well, yesterday I was just walking with my friend and out kids and down I went. I am in pain, but I am pissed more than anything. OK. The cane comes back out. I learned my lesson. Now,I have a boot cast for 4 weeks. No weight on the foot for 2 weeks and then I can be weight bearing with the boot cast for 2 weeks.

I am depressed.
Wendy

Matilda Jane Clothing Internet Party!

You are cordially invited to a

Virtual Matilda Jane Trunk Show...


"I feel pretty, oh, so pretty, I feel pretty and witty and bright! And I pity any girl who isn't me tonight..."



October 5th -15th

It's all about Discovery!
Matilda Jane Clothing is pleased as peaches to offer their couture for the pint sized set in the comfort of your own home!



Please check out Matilda Jane's Fall line by clicking on the link below:


*** Fall 2007 Catalog ***


Found somthing you just can't live without?

Please contact my Trunk Keeper, Sarah Woodworth, at 317.577.2846 or mjctrunks1@yahoo.com!

She'll take care of you in lightening fast time!


If you'll provide her with your child's age, height, and weight, she'll be able to tell you exactly what size to order! Also, if you email her, please provide a phone number so she can call you back to finalize your order.


Sophisticated. Colorful. A wee bit cheeky. And mom-approved! Discover a new form of expression with sizing from 6m-12y, with a selection for you. Inspire her to seek out independence, with endless compliments guaranteed!



I hope you enjoy your home shopping experience!! Thank you so much!

~Wendy~

FYI - Matida Jane Clothing Internet Party

Due to all of the "excitement" and interest that people had about the Matilda Jane Clothing line, I am going to be hosting an internet party! It will start tomorrow 10/5 and run through 10/15. I am trying my best to get the "e-vite" up and running but having trouble! Please e-mail me at wendy6gill@aol.com so that I can personally send you an e-vite! I promise you won't be disappointed!

I am excited that I can bring this exciting and wonderful clothing line to you all. It is truly amazing, the outfits they have come up with. I am so excited to have the pleasure of working with such talented people.

So, look for the e-vite tomorrow and order away! Thank you all for your wonderful support!

Wendy

Correction

In a previous e-mail I made note that I was becoming a Rep for Matilda Jane when in fact I will just be Hostessing a show for them during the time period February 7-10, 2008. I just needed to clarify that little factoid. Again, if you are interested in their Spring line (which I am assuming that I will be selling) please let me know and I will be happy to assist you in ordering. Until then, if you want to check out their cool and funky clothes, please visit Matilda Jane Clothing!

The Stillness

of the house is wonderful! It's not very often that I am here alone, but both kids just got on the their busses and it's SO QUIET. See I had to yell already! But, the dishwasher beckons to be unloaded, there are several loads of laundry to be done and the quilt that I have been working on is calling my name. Pretty soon there will be the hum of the washer and dryer, the sewing maching will be whirring and all will be well in the world again!

Quiliting....

Well, I couldn't figure out what I wanted to make for Katie next, so I decided to start a easy lap quilt in greens, yellows and blues. I am almost done putting the blocks together and ready to piece it. I love how it looks already and I am so amazed at myself! I am actually reading the directions and understanding them! I will show a picture of the completed project as it's really hard to show you all the in between pics with fabric all over the table. I just love sewing. Can't wait to start my next project already!

Also, did you know that with Boden/Mini Boden you can actually earn money to shop with? If you refer someone to them (for their mailing list) they will give you $5 per person up to $20 a month. I just saved $75 and was able to get Katie a nice warm coat and a few other things. And didn't pay a dime of my own money! Now, I will be saving up money for when their spring line comes out! And if you check on e-bay, their resale value is out of this world! And the quality is outstanding. I haven't personally had any trouble with customer service, but a few people I know have so you have to stay on top of your returns and credits. Overall, I have had really good experiences with this company.

You also might want to check out Hanna Andersson since they just started selling their Christmas stuff. Every year I dream about getting us all matching sweaters to have Christmas Pictures taken for cards, but unless the magic money fairy drops by, that isn't happening! Also, I know that Cheryl and Gillian wouldn't wear the sweaters again, so why waste money on something that isn't going to be worn? LOL! Also, !Naartjie just put up their winter line and all of their fall 1 is on sale. So many cute things. I was gifted a cute outfit from Fall 1 and it is cute. You can see it on Katie on her first day getting on the bus! Just thought that I would help you all spend some money! LOL! I have been able to sell some things on e-bay to finance getting fabric and I can't believe how inexpensive it really is to sew. I find myself looking at skirts or outfits and thinking to myself, "Hey, I can do that for much less"!

The sewing is keeping me busy along with trying to get my mother settled. After many days and lots of work, she decided against going on medicaid and going into Assisted Living. I am just praying that the social worker can get the things set up to keep her safe and well at home.

Speaking of praying. I have started my day off and end it each night praying. It really helps me to remember that I am not in this alone!

My first ever sewing project!

During

Before....

Here is the material I picked out to make Katie's skirt. It's going to be 3 tiers and then I am going to take the black w/orange polka dot fabric (middle tier) and make a ruffle out of that for the bottom. I think it's going to look cute. I should be able to find a cute black Old Navy Tee to put with it (In fact I might have one floating around somewhere with an orange pumpkin on it). If not, I will see if they have one at Old Navy. Worse comes to worse I can put a plain white shirt with it. I don't really want to go out and buy the shirt at Old Navy just in case I don't get the skirt done right! Anyway, this is the material and I start on Monday hopefully. MIL's sewing machine is coming tomorrow and she is going to show me how to thread it and then give me lots of remnants to practice making seams on. Who knows, maybe it will turn out to be a quilt someday? So, try to imagine these fabrics in 3 tiers as a skirt!

Katie's first day riding the bus

Here's my cool tote since we can't have backpacks on the bus!



Waiting (im)patiently for the bus!



Look how big my bus is and how small I am....but I love it!




BIG step up!



I don't know that I can even put into words the feelings going through me that day. And it's been 4 days since. She's not even off to Kindergarten yet, and already, my baby is going to school on the bus. I love her school, she's been there (with me!) since she was a year old, but this is a big step. And I guess we are lucky because next year when she is gone all day to school, I will already have cried on the first day, seeing her get on that bus.

She loves school. I will be going in on Friday's to be a room helper (well, every other Friday since they only have school every other Friday) and I am joining the PTO. I can't even say that I haven't had anything to do while she's been gone since Cheryl stayed home the first day, I had a church meeting the second day, did housework the third day and went fabric shopping with MIL today. More pics of the fabric we chose for the skirt I am going to make Katie!

So, enjoy these cute pics of my baby, on her first bus ride to school!

Open blog

I have decided with much thought, that I am not going to make this a closed blog. Why let one person take what you have written and throw it in your face and then make everyone else have to jump through hoops just to read. So, I am making this public, but I will mostly be talking about my learning to sew. At some time in the future, I might start another blog about feelings and stuff, especially as my mother nears the end of her life. She has end stage lung disease and we are not sure how much longer she has to live. I have lots to catch you all up with now that the drama is gone. Some pics to share of Katie getting on the bus for the first time, etc.

So, let's just get one with things shall we? It's a beautiful fall day here in Upstate NY! The sun is shining, the leaves are changing and life is just great. I refuse to let anyone ruin my good mood and I pray for those whose lives are in such disarray that they must use someone else to take it out on.

So, let's play! Have fun! For this is the day that the Lord Hath Made!
Wendy

Permissions needed

Sadly I have to go this way for now. Instead of throwing away all the memories I have created, I have been encouraged to go permissions only. If you want an invite, let me know and I will send you one.
Wendy

Over and OUT

I am putting this blog to rest. The words that have been spoken here, have been thrown in my face in a very painful way. I am done. Done with everything. I appreciate those of you who have supported me throught the years and have read what I had to say. One last piece of advice before I depart, every single word you write on a blog will be analyized and thrown back in your face by people you think are your friends. I am done with this blog and done with everything.

Over and OUT!

OK, that was a flop

So, no one wants to send me their creations. Didn't think it would work anyway. I have really gotten the feeling that the whole sewing world is cut throat and no one wants to give up their secrets. Well, then let's just move on to unruly 15 year olds shall we?

Can someone please tell me how the hell I am going to get through the next 3 years without going stark raving mad? Tonight Gillian brings home R rated movies (not allowed in this house) and then looks at me as though I have 3 heads when I tell her they are not allowed in the house. Why not? Because they aren't apprpriate I say. Well, I have already seen them. I don't really care. They are not to come into this house.

What are your expectations for your teens? Do they watch R rated movies in your house? Do you ban them from them knowing they are just going to watch them somewhere else? Do you just put your foot down and say no? I am seriously at a loss here.

Every single rule that we put down gets pushed and I am so damn tired of hearing her mouth and attitude. I am tired of being treated like a piece of shit, like I am worthless than dirt. And it just keeps going and going.

I really don't know how I am going to get through these next few years. And I am dead serious.

Someone send me your creations please

Ok, I am asking for any of you who read my blog to send me some of your wonderful creations to get my creative juices flowing. I want to see how the seams look, I want to see how you put your fabrics together, I want to see where your creative juices lie! So, if you are interested in sending me something you have created, I will take wonderful care of it, and I will even send it back if you want it back. When you send it, please talk to me about your creation. What was your inspiration, where did the fabric come from, why did you pick that fabric. I am serious about this sewing thing and I think being able to handle the different things that are made will go a long way to helping me do this. Creations need to be fabric made and not breakable. If you want to send something for my daughter to model, she is a size 6 or so. I will send you measurements if you are interested in doing this.

I will happily showcase your creation on my blog and you will get lots of notority for it! I have a wonderful model who is very cute who will also help get your idea's out there.

Thanks for helping out someone new. I promise you won't be disappointed!
Wendy

Don't let me down now! And remember, if you want your creation back, please let me know, so I can send it back.

Sew Anxious

To get going on sewing! I have been obsessed with looking at web sites of people that are making One Of A Kind (OOAK) outfits an the things that I am finding are just gorgeous. I want to make them. I need to start learning how to sew. I think I have it figured out how to put a ruffle on the hem of pants and have a pair of plain jean overalls that I am going to buy some fabric for and make a ruffle on the hems (halloween style)and then take some of the fabric and cut out pieces to applique onto the overalls themselves. I then want to find a plain shirt (I was going to sew my own, but it might be too much to start) and maybe do an applique or 2 onto the shirt.

Anyway, I am "sew" into looking at fabric, coming up with ideas and just plain being creative. I still want to quilt and hope to continue doing that too. There is just one little thing standing in the way and that is money. I need to do something to bring in money. I thought about becoming a rep for a couple of different boutique children's companies, but I just don't think I can work that much. But I have learned so much about children's clothes and can't believe the wealth of it out there. From the wacky Oilily to the staid Jack and Jill, it's just amazing. Every site I go to, I just want to buy, buy, buy!

What do you all think? What do you think about selling children's clothes in general? I am no longer doing e-bay, although I might start up again when I begin to sell the outfits that I make and when I resell the mounds of clothes that I have collected for Katie. But it was just too disappointing and expensive.

Lots of other stuff going on in my life that I should get on here and talk about. We have services coming in to help with Gillian because she is getting out of control again. I went to a discharge planning meeting for my mother who is in short term pulmanary rehab. She will be going into assissted living which my sister and I are trying to sort out, all while trying to gtieve her impending death.

Lots on my plate. Lots of loss that I am really struggling to deal with.

Spitting Mad

Why do you ask? E-bay sends me this nice little e-mail stating that they aren't charging for listing fee's from X date to X date. This is after I give ALL of my e-bay stuff away to be consigned. Yep, I decided that I wasn't going to e-bay anymore since it was taking up so much of my time and energy, not to mention the fact that the buyer really has all of the protection and the seller has very little. And I get that there are bad sellers out there, in fact, I have found a few during my time of buying on e-bay. But, now if a buyer doesn't like the color, they can basically return their merchandise and the seller has to refund. It's getting ugly over there I tell ya.

Well, to make matters worse, I found a box of really nice stuff that I had tucked away to sell at a later date. Hmmm, I think to myself, I guess I get to take advantage of that great offer and if I don't buy any of the extra's, then I can list for free right? WRONG! The small print, and there is always small print isn't there, states that you don't have to pay a listing fee IF you PAY for a GALLERY PHOTO which let me remind you is 5 cents LESS than the LISTING FEE! ARGH! I dislike e-bay right now. So, off this box goes to my consignor. And it's nice stuff too. Too bad for e-bay right?

I am however going to learn to sew. I am very excited about this and will be previewing all of the outfits that I make right here for you all to ooh and ahh over. The first one will be a Halloween outfit for Katie to wear. I am going to look for fabric tomorrow. I have been greedily going over sites of other women who are making clothes that are just so cool and wonderfully fresh. I even (shh) had some shirts made to match some pants that I had no matches for. I also had some bows made for some of our new Boden shirts. Wish me luck on the sewing front, since all of the other things that I have tried to do have backfired and I am still not making any money.

I won't even get started on SSD......

Why can't it be next week already?

And why on earth do they have summer vacation? I HATE summer vacation. When I was a kid, I never had a personal taxi cab to take me around to various and sundry places. My mother would have laughed at me. Well, the fact that we didn't have a car that worked probably got in the way of that too.

I told Gillian that I wasn't taking her anywhere this week and that no one was coming over. She is just pissing me off. I know I shouldn't say that about my kid, but she is seriously pissing me off. She turns everything I say around so that she is the damn victim. I just left the karate dojo crying becayse Sensai had a call from a parent saying that Gillian has inappropriate stuff on her My Space page. She's making out with someone one there. I am SOOOOOO pissed. Now I know why all her friends are pissed at her. Kissing someone else's beloved. Great.

I really wish I knew how to be a good mother, but right now, I just wish that my kid would act like a human being. I am tired of being treated like crap.

My Gem

I just wanted to take a minute and publically thank my wife for being so wonderful. Yesterday she traded in her "baby" so that we could have a new and safe car to drive. I know that she was really sad that her car had to be the one to go, even though it was 10 years old. That's a long time to love a car!

She works so hard for this family and yet, is the one that goes the most without. She is a wonderful mother and the best partner a person could ask for. A better person, I couldn't ask for to follow this path in life. We have been through so much together, through our trials with infertility and subsequent pregnancy and birth of our second daughter, Katie. Now we enter the trials of parenting a teen (and if you have one you know how much fun that is)!

Cheryl, thank you for all that you do for us! I love you now and forever. You are the most special person a wife could ask for. Thank you for loving me.

Now, please go to my comments section and give Cheryl some loving. She could use it right now!

The newest addition to our family!

Introducing the newest addition to our family!



So, Cheryl and I were really "discussing" the fact that I wanted a manual transmission and she wanted a automatic transmission. This car has both! It is very cool, but you can either drive it in drive, or you can push the drive lever over all the way to the left and without needing a clutch, you can manually drive the car! It is way cool and in the winter here, a much needed addition. I loved driving it and she is coming home to us on Tuesday. She looks like the picture here, blue with silver and has lots of nice features! Like you can operate the radio and CD and Cruise from the steering wheel with your thumb! And lots of other really cool features. I can't wait to drive her. Haven't come up with a name yet though and sadly, Cheryl is going to be giving up her baby as a trade in.

But isn't she cute?

Happy Birthday Gillian!

Well, Blogger ate my last eloquent post about my beautiful now 15 year old daughter! So, without further ado, I want to say,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GILLIAN! I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH!

Mom

Too many pictures!

And no place to put them. I've tried scrapbooking to no avail. I have all the stuff to do it. But I just don't have the time! I have a ton of pictures just sitting on our memory card or in the computer, but no where to put them! The other day I saw this cool Digital Photo Frame and thought, AHA! That could be the solution to my problem. It's a really cool electronic frame that you download your pictures into and then they play one at a time. Or you can use the remote that comes with the digital frame and play the pictures as you want. I thought this was one of the coolest inventions, because I know that people want to see all of the pictures that we have taken, but haven't had a chance, because they are sitting in my memory card, rather than in this cool little photo frame. Where do they come up with these really cool idea's?

So, now I am off to check it out and perhaps purchase the digital frame so that everyone can share our pictures! Maybe even get 2 and fill the other one up for Grandma and give it to her at Christmas time for the perfect Christmas gift!

Loving to blog!

We're back from shopping and I couldn't wait to tell you all the fabulous time that we have! But first, like some of my other friends, I am jumping on the bandwagon to get paid to blog! Advertise on blogs, for those of you who are interested,is a place where they will actually pay you to blog for them. It helps them advertise with bloggers and I actually get paid to do it! I am so excited. It also gives me a chance to check out new products and tell you all about them. I tell ya, there is nothing like blog advertising! If you would have asked me if I would have ever done this, I would have said no, but Smorty has great stuff that they advertise and it's so much fun to do! So, you'll have to come back and check out the new stuff that I am finding all about. And of course, I will keep you all up to date about my family, shopping and all of life's other drama's!

So, for the shopping trip. The kids were horrid, I didn't get much stuff since the outlet prices were outrageous. I did get some stuff at Oilily and Hanna Andersson for the fall, but other than that, it was a no go!

Please come back and check out what I have in store for you all! It's going to be fun. Coming soon will be some cool pics of Katie in her new Mini Boden!

Shopping again

So, you might all be curious as to wear I am in my shopping expedition! I still love Hanna, but I have totally falled in love with Mini Boden! I bought the brown cords with the big pink polka dots to go with the peace and love shirt along with the brown shirt with the pink polka dot dog shirt! There are so many more that I want. And now that Boden has a great new referral program, I can refer people AND get some money to do it! I am loving that, especially since Katie decided that she wanted the Rainbow shirt and I have to figure out what to put with it!

We leave soon to travel down to the shopping mecca known as Woodbury Commons so that I can check out Oilily and hopefully find some good deals there. I am also interested in Off Saks Fifth Ave to see if they have any Lilly Pulitzer for ME! I am in need of a cute summer dress since I have lost all this weight....wait, what's that? I lost weight? You betcha! 20+ pounds and counting! Time to treat me to some new and funky clothes.

So, if you head over to Boden, you have to check out the boys, Holey Cow shirt. Cheryl says NO WAY! And I think it's WAY CUTE! You tell me what you think won't ya? If Cheryl wins then the shirt remains unbought, if I win, the it's going in the basket!

I really do love em.....

But my kids are driving me crazy today. Daughter number one thinks that I exsist to be her personal taxi driver and when I don't jump right up and drive her where she desperately needs to go, then I am a bad mother. ARGH! Today while I was driving her to karate, she had the audacity to sit in the car and tell me what a bad mother I was. She actually told me I had no pride! To which I said "You are absolutely right". "As your mother, I let you talk to me like a piece of crap on the street which shows you that I have no pride in myself". Things are going to be changing around here post haste. By letting her talk to me that way and not holding her accountable, she thinks that I have no pride in myself. So, look for some posts of me begging for support as I go through this tough time with daughter number one. She is going to be having a lot of consequences for her behavior, in fact this has already started. I would never let any adult talk to me this way, why on earth would I let a 15 year old?

And as far as daughter #2, whine, whine, whine! I can't stand the whine anymore. I told her the other day that my ears don't hear whine and that seems to help, but OMG do I just want to put ear plugs in or what? I took her to see the free movies today and we watched Nanny McPhee which I thought was really great. I think it was way over her head, but she insisted. It was either that or Curious George again and I didn't think I could take that again this week. I really wanted to see Flushed Away, but well, it's not about me is it? LOL!

And Cheryl continues to toil away at her job. I appreciate her working so that we can have all the things that most people take for granted. Our Hanna order arrived today and there was the cutest pink dot dress w/the opposite striped leggings and 4 out of 5 tights that we need for winter. Daughter number 2 should be all set.

One more shout out. I purchased my first Oilily from Little Luna Blue and was really disappointed. After talking with Anna, the owner, I am returning this one and she is sending me another one that she thinks I will like better. Wonderful customer service and cute, cute clothes. Visit her sometime would ya? And tell her I sent ya!

Lazy, Hazy Summer days

Sorry, so sorry to make some of you worry. It's that dang medication that I was taking! Topamax for those of you who don't ever want to sink into the doldrums of depression! Other than losing weight, it is a HORRID drug. They actually call it DOPAMAX for short. Makes you forget what you want to say, hard word recall, etc. Just awful. When I saw the pain managment nurse on Friday and told her how depressed I was, she told me to go off of it and that I was sensitive to it. You think? Geesh!

Anyway, things are well with the family. I am looking forward to a trip down to a great outlet mall. Woodbury Commons has such great stores and I can't wait to shop! I am especially excited to go and just check out Dolce and Gabbana, Coach, Neiman Marcus Last Call, Off 5th Saks Fifth Avenue, Burberry and Juicy Couture. But I can't wait to buy something at Oilily for Katie! I did buy her one shirt online and was so disappointed, but I know that they have such cute stuff at the store and I can hardly wait to get down there. We did some ordering from Hanna for Katie. Got her a new play all day dress for the winter, a dot one this time and tights to go with all her dresses. I must have picked up 7 or 8 dresses over the summer for her.

But what I am really excited about is that I am going to learn to sew! MIL is going to teach me when Katie starts back to school in the fall. I have joined a new group on e-bay where I am just amazed at the talent these women have! Someday it is my dream to be able to sew like them. I have already picked up one modeling job for Katie for someone who does custom work and hope to get some more for her. I really want to learn how to do some of those really fancy sets that they are selling! I love the ones with the appliques! If you ever get a chace to check it out, go to ebay and search for custome boutiqe clothes and just be amazed at the talent that is out there in this world.

I promise that I am back now. The depression is lifted. Now that I am off that dasterdly med, it is much better. Thanks for all of you checking in on me! Look for more posts and in the fall, start looking for some sewing!

Belle of the Ball

Here is the Belle of the Ball!



Katie was Belle in her very first recital. The whole recital was so cute and I just got the professional pictures back! Isn't my little ballerina cute? I think so too!

Long Week

What a week it's been! Let's start with Katie's ballet recital. It was over the top, ADORABLE! OMG! She had 2 small parts and then her class did a princess part in which she played Belle. It was cute too cute. During the Cinderella part, she was a mouse and a very cute one too. And then she lost it. Because she didn't get to throw some clothes out of the trunk. So, off stage she comes in tears and I have to get her calmed down so that she can go back on to dance her Princess Dance. She pulled it off and it was so cute that I just cried. There will be pictures when we get them. We had to order them along with a DVD of the show and I am itching to get them already! The poor little thing was so anxious that I found myself teaching her some anxiety relieving techniques the 2 nights before the show! Let's just say she's following in my footsteps which isn't necessarily a good thing. This past week was also the last week of school for both girls. Come Monday, keeping them busy should be a challenge. I do have Katie signed up for a small summer program and we do have a zoo pass, so it looks like we will be hitting the zoo, beach and parks a lot this summer. I think I will also have to think up some cool arts and crafts to do too. Everything around here costs money, which as most of you know is in short supply! We also go to the library a lot and summer story time should be starting up again soon. Katie loves her story time!

Gillian wants to be with her friends all the time which I think is normal. She also wants to be very independent and not tell me where she is which doesn't fly in this house. She will be very busy this summer. Unfortunately the courses she could take for electives for summer school were already taken during the school year so no summer school for her. We are talking about her getting a summer job, but at 14, other than babysitting, there isn't much of a market for her. She has to train for her black belt and really get her run time down. They have to run an 8 minute mile and so far the closest she has gotten is 16:20. And that was being pulled and pushed most of the way. So, I will be taking her different places to run this summer.

Cheryl has one week off this summer and we are undecided about what to do. Of course we were hoping that SSD would come through, but we are still waiting for our date with the judge so I am not holding my breath on that one. At any rate, the money won't be here this summer. And I have lots of little projects that need to be done. Our room needs painting. I can't do that, but I can pick out the paint. As we've had the money, we've been buying the bedding and curtains to go with it to decorate out room. We have everything now and just need to paint and do the floor. We would love to put down hardwoods like we did in the kitchen and family room and might even have enough left over to do it, but neither of us know how to and can't afford to have it done. We are going with white walls since the bedding is colonial blue on white. When it's all done it's going to look beautiful! I don't think we'll take a vacation, because we really need that van. Hopefully, we'll be able to get that this summer too.

Well, how's that for an update. I have been feeling much less depressed. I am thinking that the transition from summer to school is going to be shaky when Katie goes to pre-K 4 days a week for a half day but maybe then I will start e-baying again full force. Last time I really got burned not doing it the right way and learned a lot about when to list, what to list and how to list so this time it might just work. I have been taking my "allowance" and garage saling to beef up inventory this summer. Just today I found a 1970's Fisher Price ramp/garage in mint condition. And maybe I will start to get back into scrapbooking. I have all the stuff and will finally have some time to do it! Bye for now!

Summer Time

I don't know whether to like summer or loathe it. I like the school year because of the structure it provides. I like the summer because of the downtime that it gives us. But, and here is the big but, I have 2 children at 2 different end of the age spectrum with different needs...4 and almost 15. The 15 year old wants to go here, there and everywhere whilst the 4 year old is pretty content to just stay home and play in her pool and on her swingset. So, we will have to work something out. Today Grandma came and got Katie and played with her while I got some much needed and wanted time alone with Gillian. 15 is such a hard age and not an age that I would want to go back to in a million years. How does a parent let go of their child, while still managing to give them the boundaries they need to stay healthy and safe? I think it's the age old question! It's one that I think we will have to struggle through this summer. I have already let Gillian have some more independence than she did last summer and I have to sit with my own anxiety. It's not her anxiety. It's MINE! I have to own it. And she will have to step up to the plate and show us that she can be responsible.

Katie has her recital tomorrow night and is very excited (as are we)! She has been practicing for months for this and I can hardly wait to see it. We have practice tonight and then tomorrow is the real deal! She is napping now, because she was up late last night, and will be up late tonight and tomorrow. Poor thing!

Anyway, back to the summer. I do have Katie signed up for a summer program, but we aren't taking any vacations, which is something that I really look forward to to break up my summer. I guess I will just have to look for something else to help me get through. And as the summer goes through towards the end, start looking for posts regarding Katie getting on the Pre-K bus in Sept. Yes, that's right! She gets to take the bus to school! It's going to be a BIG step for all of us. And what will happen to Mommy? Well, that is the question of the year! I have to ponder that some more! What would you do?

Forging ahead

I am still forging ahead. Still here. I called the MD today and we are reducing the Topamax to 25mgs to see if the depression lessens. Today I felt it really, really badly. I have been having mood swings and just really, really anxious. I don't want my kids remembering me this way. The other day Katie said, "We sure do have a lot of rules around here" I want my kids to remember having fun with their mother, not having rules and me always being "on" them all the time. I want to relax and enjoy my kids and partner and LIFE. I am so tired of being afraid that something bad is going to happen that I am missing all the good things that ARE happening. I pray to God every day that He will help me slow down, but I do think that this is medicinal in nature. I haven't ever been the most of relaxed of people, but I have never been this depressed and anxious. I need to get off all of the medication. ALL OF IT. I have no delusions of granduer that withdrawl will be a picnic. I have been on them too long for it to be. But, I think with the right management and some hard work on my part, I can get through it. It will be a long and slow process. But, I need ME back. I need all of ME back. Not these mind altering drugs that make me someone who I am not. Any words of encouragement that you have to offer would be greatly appreciated. I am so scared, but hopeful at the same time. I just want ME back. That's all. I know I can do it. I just know I can!

Needing to find myself

I feel as though I am wandering around and around. It's this weird thing and I can't quite explain it. The whole retail and needing to buy stuff is wrapped up in it. I can't get enough of buying stuff and as I stated before it can't just be anything. It has to be name brand stuff. I need to get over it already. I stopped working. I think I might go crazy. It's the start of the summer. Who in their right mind stops working at the start of the summer? Gillian has already started in on me being her personal taxi service and I am not going to go there with her! UGH! I am tired of being tired, depressed and just plain sad. I need to get away. Maybe get up to camp and get away from this house and be where nature is. A change of scenery. No computer. No more e-bay! Now there is something to think about. Some books, some peace and quiet and some fun.

Katie starts pre-K next year and I have no idea what I am going to do when she gets on that bus. I know I said the same thing this year. I will find something! Gillian will be back in school. Maybe then I can get the house clean, one room at a time and a big load will be off my shoulder? See how scattered I am? This is what it's like living in my mind.

Now I need to rest!

Losing Cindy

I am so sad all the time. I feel like I lost my best friend. In a way I have. One of my best friends has had a stroke. My friend Cindy had a heart Valve replaced a couple of weeks ago and then had a stroke. She can't remember most things and can't talk. It's one of the most horrible things I have ever had to witness. Yesterday I came home from dropping Katie off from school and was scrolling through the old messages and there was one from her. I just dropped and cried. I miss her old self already. I took Katie over to her grandmothers and went up to the hospital later on and said, "You're pissed aren't you?" She said "yup". I told her that I was in it for the long haul and that I wasn't leaving until she got up out of that bed on her own and told her "Don't make me kick your butt out of that bed!" Now in the past she would have said, "You and what army?" I am waiting for that day. When she asks me that question, then I will know that I have my old friend back. I miss her so much already. She smiled when I said that and I leaned in real close and told her that I knew that she wanted to say that. She will say that. I know she will.

Call your friends. Put down the mouse and pick up the phone and call them. You never, ever know if it's the last time you will be able to talk to them. Take it from me. And if you pray, please pray that Cindy gets all of her functions back. It's going to be a long, hard road. And these roads usually show you who your friends are. I hope you never, ever have to test your friendship this way.

What are you doing? I told you....go get that phone and call your friend....NOW.

For The Beauty Of The Earth

And The Glory Of The GLory Of The Skies

Whenever our Iris's come out, they remind me of this hymn....aren't they just gorgeous. And when I am down, and when I think that there isn't anything in life to be grateful for, all I have to do is look outside my window and look at the blessing that God has bestowed upon our world....






I took these picutes today because the Iris's were just so beautiful and I just wanted to share them all with you! Enjoy!

Baptism

Gillian was baptised and confirmed today. (Pictures to follow). It was one of the best days of my life. Gillian chose to be baptised by immersion and what a thrill it was to see. First of all, I was so happy that our interm pastor and good friend Rev. Dr. Kathleen Waters baptised Gillian. She baptised both of our girls! It was so thrilling to see Gillian enter the water and be submerged! Then be blessed by Kathleen! After a quick change, she joined her friends and was confirmed and now belongs to our church. The whole service was moving and emotional. Cheryl and I stood up as her parents and were presented with her candle, baptismal certificate and her engraved shell along with the parents of the 2 other teens who were baptised. Accepted just as we always are. It really was a day. An emotional, wonderful and beautiful day. Look for pictures tomorrow after I DL them!

OK, I admit it.....

I am completely and totally addicted to Hanna Andersson clothes for Katie. Well, if they would fit me I would buy them for me too. If you have never receieved their catalog, then go here Hanna Andersson and you will fall in love with the clothes too. I especially love the play all day dresses and have grown a respectable collection through selling old clothes on e-bay and buying used ones! And then I found a friend who goes to the outlet store in Kittery ME. She brought me back $300 worth of clothes for a fraction of that! And they were cute, cute, cute things. There was even a play all day dress in there. Last time she came back with 2 pairs of pants. 1 leggings that I am still trying to find a match for and a pair of capri's that I have matched with not only a souvenir dress, but a play all day dress (that I scored for $2.25 on e-bay). Now, I am starting to branch out into the other cute clothes area's. I won my first Oilily today for a steal (note to self, shop on Saturday PM when no one else in on the computer) and am waiting to see if I won a Zoodles outfit. And I am able to do all this on my earnings from selling on e-bay and finding really good deals. I also find that setting a price and walking away from the computer and not engaging in bidding wars is best practice too.

I do think this "retail therapy" is because of 2 things. 1 is that I never had nice stuff growing up. I had one pair of pants that I bought myself and then my sister and I wore my mother's shirts. It wasn't until I was in college and able to make money that I bought myself stuff. But do I buy myself nice stuff now? Nope. Just the kids. And mainly just Katie cause Gillian wants to shop herself. She is 14 afterall. Anyway, the 2nd reason that I think I like to shop (and get really good deals) is because it helps me justify spending. Like the other day. I bought my mother a really nice sweater for Mother's Day. Got home and realized someone had put a size 14 kids sweater in the women's section. After a little research on e-bay, I realized that I might be able to make some money off this sweater. And I did. To the tune of $16! I am going to garge sales and thrift shops looking for deals to sell. Take the right picture, price it right and voila! A sale.

So, Hanna, I hope you enjoy this as much as I do. And Katie...you look as cute as a bug in a rug! I will post pictures as I take them to share with you. And entice you into going and buying some of these cute clothes yourselves. And if you have a problem with sizing...just ask me! LOL! Oh, and if you have some outgrown clothes, well you know who to call....JK!

Look out tomorrow for a post and hopefully some pictures from Gillian's baptism and confirmation. She is being baptised by immersion and then confirmed. I am very excited! It's a big day in my family.

Another day

So, last night I was lying there awake thinking, "You know, it's about time I write a post about the good things that are happening in my life" Then this morning came and it was the same damn thing. Why can't I stop being depressed? I have 2 wonderful children and a partner that would walk on water for me. But I can't escape it. I have great friends who have gone above and beyond, yet, I can't escape it. Yes, I know. I need to go to counseling. I am a counselor, so I know that. We don't have the money.

I HATE LIVING WITH NO MONEY AND I HATE THAT I CAN'T WORK TO ADD MONEY TO THE HOUSEHOLD AND I HATE THAT MONEY HAS SUCH A HOLD OVER ME.

Whew, that felt good. I don't know how to live without my own money. I have always taken care of myself and for a while Gillian too, since I was 16. Now I can't. I am trying to sell on e-bay, but it is so hard. If you sell, then you know how hard it is.

But mostly, I am mourining the loss of my ability to take care of myself financially. I am pissed off at the social security system who continues to make me PROVE that I am disabled. How much more proof do they need? I just wish that I could read their minds so that I could give them what they need. And all this waiting....we need the money NOW! We have been waiting for 5 years and I am TIRED.

Lest you think that Cheryl lives high on the hog while the rest of us suffer...no way. She is the one who always goes without. Right now we are saving for a van. What will she get? My old car. Nothing new for her. I hate that she is always last. I hate that I am always last. I hate that someone has to be last.

And vacations? When is the last time you took one? Well, unless we go to my Grandparents camp, we don't get one. Oh yeah, we went to Cancun 2 years ago, but MIL paid for that...and I paid for it physically.

I am really sorry guys. You have all been there for me. But I need somewhere to get this all out. I hate not having my own money to spend. Cheryl will give me whatever I need, even if we don't have it. That's not the issue. The issue is that when I worked I had money that I could spend and not be accountable for how I spent it. I have lost that!

OK. I am going now. Enough feeling sorry for myself. I am going to try and start really looking at the positive. I have to if I am going to make it through life in a decent way. I know there are other's who have it much worse than me. I know that. I really do know that.

Thank you all for being here for me. I have the best friends anyone can ask for. I have the best partner a woman can ask for and my kids...well that goes without saying. They along with my partner are my my reason for life.

Bad, bad blogger

I know. I have been bad. I have to come right out and admit that I have been seriously depressed. So depressed that it has affected my family and friends. I don't know when it started, but I imagine it was the surgery that threw me overboard. I didn't have a good outcome. I saw my surgeon last week and he is saying that he suspects that one of the screws or rods is pressing on a nerve and that is what is making my leg hurt so badly. I can barely drive, still have to walk with a cane and can't afford physical therapy. I also can no longer work. I am so, so depressed over the thought of giving up my career. I have been a social worker all my life and to hear the MD say that I will have to give that up has been the most depressing thing of all. I just can't sit for an hour at a time any more.

I have to believe that something good is coming my way. I have good friends who have helped us out and all of my blogging buddies have always been there for me/us. Financially we are getting by. But it's just one more frustration. One that seems to have Cheryl and I arguing more and more. I hate money. I hate not having enough and I hate that it controls my life so much.

I am putting my trust in God. He will provide. He always has.

Katie has a new tooth!

About 2 years ago Katie fell and chipped her tooth. Well, a few weeks ago, I noticed that the 2 teeth next to it were turning brown so I took her to the dentist where it was determined that she needed a pulpotomy and that the teeth next to the chipped one were just stained (WHEW!). SO, off we went to the dentist today and after determining that she didn't really need the pulpotomy, they put on a crown (I think that's what it's called) and she has a whole tooth again! Here she is with her cute 'ol self!

Clothing help please - Hanna Andersson

OK - I am asking for some help here! I have scoured everywhere on the internet to try and find the match to these leggings. They are Pink W/Red Stripes. They are from the 2004 Hanna Andersson Fall/Winter line and are called shell pink. They go with either a Red Dot Dress or a Red Dress W/Pink Stripes. If you go to
Hanna Fanna's and look under the 2004 lines and go to play all day dresses winter holiday line, you will see the dress's that I am looking for. The pants are a size 120 so I could go with either a 120, or a 110 or even a 130 if need be.

So, if you know anyone who knows Hanna's and might be able to help me, please feel free to forward this on to them. I am hoping that when the winter catalog comes out they will have something to match, if not, then I will keep scouring e-bay the way that I have. Thanks guys! You all rock!

Trying to stay positive

So, there isn't much going on at the present time. Now that we've decided not to move, all the hubbubb has died down and we are going on as usual. You know, growing up, I always lived in crisis. Something was always going on in our family and it usually wasn't good. Old habits die hard I suppose. I seem to thrive on crisis. It's one thing that I have to work really hard on. Not creating crisis. Cheryl grew up relatively sane, so I have a good role model in her. She keeps me steady and on our feet.

This past weekend we installed a new minister into our church. It is a bittersweet issue for me, because my good friend Kathleen is the interm minister at the church now and I cannot tell you how much I will miss her. I know that we will remain friends but it just won't be the same. It was really difficult for me to see the new minister without the cloud of Kathleen hovering. There are so many issues for me and my family and acceptance is one of them. I know that Kathleen accepted our family and since the search committee sent out a copy of my article (you can look through the archives her for it since I am too lazy to post it) to prospective candidates and it's assumed that she is OK with GBLT families in the church. Anyway, I worry, because for me, this church has helped me personally grow spiritually and has shown me that mainstream religion can accept GBLT folks.

Anyway, no crisis today. Good thing eh?

We're staying

I lost my 2nd application for SSD. Came in the mail today. Of course my lawyer didn't care, because it's the first application we care about (the one we are waiting to go back before the judge on) and of course we will appeal this one. They had no records from the ortho MD who put all the hardware in my back.

I am tired. I am done. I don't think many people read this, and if they do, they are damn tired of my whining. Can't even get a home equity loan because of me not working and my high student loans. I told Cheryl to take me off the damn deed because all I seem to do is drag everyone down because I can't work. But I'm not disabled either right....

Fuck it I say, Just fuck it.

To move or not to move...that is the question

Well, Cheryl has been offered a position in a lab in Bellingham WA. We happen to live clear across the country in Upstate NY. I think we are going to go. They are offering her a good pay rate, and the area is beautiful. The clincher is that her current job is only guarantee'd until July.

So, do we take the offer and move across the country for something sure and leave everything behind, or do we stay here and take the chance that she doesn't lose her job and stay here?

If we stay here and she loses her job, then we could lose our house and all that we have built here. She would have to take the first job she can get, and it won't be in NY. So, we could end up anywhere, with any salary. We wouldn't have a choice where we go, whereas in the WA situation, we do.

Cheryl's mother is on board and will come with us. Gillian, while not happy, is on board. But, I would be leaving my whole family behind. Our church, which we hold dear. And my friends. The school, which we know and have worked with for years.

This is the hardest decision ever. When I posted to my Moms's board they were all telling me to GO! Bellingham is beautiful and from what I can tell from the relocation information and what I have found online, it is. There is little snow, but there is also little sun. Moderate temps vs the really cold here. We would be on the ocean and have the mountains behind us. We'd be very close to Vancouver, BC and Seattle, WA.

What's a girl to do. It's a lifetime changing decision.

Cheryl is going to talk to the person recruting her and ask more questions. We are most likely going to take a trip out there to see the area. But, if any of you that read me either live near that area and can offer advice, or if you have been in this situation, please, all advice is greatly appreciated.

Consignment shops?

I had the worse experience yesterday with a local consignment shop (if you live local and want to know which one, e-mail me and I will tell you). I took Katie's Britax Marathon in and the owner told me that she could only get $30 for it! What??? Which meant that I would only get $15. She was so rude, telling me how they just don't sell, people want the cheaper ones, etc. This was after I had called her and she told me that she can't keep them in her store, they sell so fast. So, while I was waiting for Gillian to load it back into the trunk, I looked in her car seat room where she had 2 Marathons, both in the same condition as mine priced at $85. So much for her selling them fast huh? I asked her for the history on them....none. No way to know if they had been in a crash or not.

So, I am glad that I didn't consign and will sell the seat myself. There has to be someone out there that wants a Marathon with a brand new cover?

I just can't get over how rude this woman was!

Happy Birthday Grandpa!

Remember the Grandpa of mine who was really sick and almost died? Well, he turns 83 today! I vividly remember posting from the ICU waiting room at 4AM waiting to hear whether he would live or not and here he is celebrating his birthday! And the best part is that he is going to be eating is OWN cake. Yes, you heard it right! The man that wasn't ever going to be able to eat or drink on his own again is eating and drinking with no problem!

Happy Birthday Grandpa! I am so lucky to have you around for more time!

Life

Is slowly getting better! I still have a lot of pain, especially if I do too much, but it's almost as though I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. When I go back to the pain clinic, I will talk with them about weaning off the pain meds. I have already started backing off the percocet with good results. The one area of pain that I have the worst is the right leg. I suspect there is a nerve being pressed on, because it (the leg) will twitch for no reason and driving makes it go crazy with pain. I have only been driving when absolutely necessary. I can hardly wait for next week when the kids have school break. I already told Gillian that I won't be her personal chauffer for the week, but the first day she will be on me about how bored she is!

I took Katie to the Dentist yesterday and had them check her chipped tooth. The teeth around it looked like they were turning grey (they were just stained), but the x-ray showed some inflamation and they want to do a pulpotomy on the tooth, and then fix the tooth. I made the appt and we will probably do it, but our other option is to wait and see if it abcesses (it's been chipped for 2 years). If that happens then we have to pull the tooth and put in a spacer. The dentist told me that they have great results if we do it before infection. I asked the nurse about pain and she said there would be none. They use nitrous oxcide and then numb. Katie has read the Little Critter books and loves the one about the dentist and when we were driving home she started to cry that she didn't want the medicine to make her mouth numb because then her tongue was going to hang out all day like Little Critter. After I assured her it wouldn't she was fine. Later on I heard her tell Cheryl, "Mommy asked the nurse if I would have any pain and she said no so it's OK. I know Mommy would never tell me a lie." So, if she has any pain I will be seriously pissed at that nurse. Just poking around, but has anyone had any dental issues with their little ones? Any info to pass on my way?

Gillian has been really active in the GBLT and their Allies program at school. She is going to do the Day Of Silence and also going on a field trip to a rally for GBLT rights up at the local university! She is making high honor role (which makes me so relieved we changed her programming). She is gearing up to test for her black belt in June! The next weekend out Prima Donna will be performing in her very first recital, which just happens to be a princess one and she will be Belle! I can't wait. She practices all the time for us and it's priceless!

Ending this week is for me one of the most powerful church experiences. I will be attending the Maundy Thursday services as well as the Good Friday one wrapping it all up in Easter morning. I have been so focused on the religious aspect of church, I forgot all about the Easter Bunny! Thankfully the wife was/is on top of this! My sister is having her annual egg hunt and we are all excited about that.

Well, I guess that catches you all up for now!

Post Op Appt

I had my post op appt today and the MD thinks that the healing is going well. He is telling me to take it easy and I told him I can definately tell when too much is too much. Someday's a visit from a friend is too much and other day's I can do more. I just never know. I am still having a lot of pain which we pretty much figured out that is coming from back spasms. I am trying to sleep a lot which isn't always easy. My MIL is leaving for DC tomorrow and I got scared today wondering what I was going to do without her becacause she is totally my main support, driving me places and taking Katie so I can rest. I told you all before that I don't know what I would do without her and I mean that! Cheryl told me that if I need her to she will take the days off, but I really need to do this. Katie has school this Friday and someone from Church has offered to drive us back and forth and we are still getting meals until Sunday. What a blessing that is.

I just have to get better on not answering the phone and telling people that I am just not up for visits. It's not easty when I get lonly, but I need to rest. Bottom line.

I thought for sure the MD would send me for PT today, but he just looked at me and said that we would talk about PT in another 2 months. That really put into perspective for me just how much healing my body still needs to do and how easy I need to take it. I got to see the screws and rods, cages and mesh that was put in. WOW is all I can say. No wonder I feel so tired all the time. My poor body had a lot of work done to it. A LOT! So, off to rest I am. Thank you all for the wonderful messages of support and love. They are all so appreciated!

This feels bigger than I can take

I haven't wanted to say anything about this, because ignorance is bliss right? But since my surgery, the pain in my right leg has been so bad (mostly in the thigh, sometimes radiating down my leg or up into my hip) that I just want to cry. I have myself convinced that I have just caused myself another problem. If the back problem is somewhat relieved, I now caused another issue with this pain in my leg.

I swear to you people, I am back to my bad spot. Convinced I have a blood clot in my leg although everything I read tells me that isn't it.

I want to give up.

Thank you to all

Well, blogger ate my first post....I want to shout out and Thank Monkey for her most needed phone call today. I was/am feeling down in the dumps and her phone call was just the pick me up I needed. Just knowing that someone clear across the country was thinking of me and took time out of her very busy life for me made my day. Thank you so much Monkey!

And to thank all the people who have sent flowers (Gwendolyn, Mom and lots of friends from church), cards (way too numerous to count) and all of the delicious dinners that we get every other night from church. Thank you so much Barb for arranging dinners for us through APRIL and too all who have made these sustaining dinners. I don't think there are words for me to express my thanks. Yesterday my friend Tracey came and picked up Katie and took her to story time and then back to her house for a play date so I could rest.

And the biggest thank you of all goes to my MIL and Cheryl. She has taken Katie everyday for part of the day so that I can get some rest. I truly don't know what I would do without her. Katie loves her Grandma so much that today she asked if she could move in with us so she could see her everyday!

Cheryl has so much responsibility which she just takes with a grain of salt. I am so lucky to have such a wonderful partner who is always there for me, kids who are patient (well some of the time)and family and friends who really care.

So, if you want to call me, e-mail me for my phone number! I am always home! LOL!

Still alive

And very much in pain although I will say it's less. But the exhaustion. OMG I never thought a person could feel so tired. I promise you all that I will write a nice long update about the operation and the healing process when I can sit for more than 3 minutes. Which is just about how long it took me to write this so see you all later.