Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Irrational fears

I wish I could kick this irrational fear thing that I have. And stop crying over every little thing. Everytime one of my kids gets sick, I worry about them being really sick even if they just have a cold, or them passing it on to the rest of the house. Gillian woke up sick this morning. She seems to be getting sick a lot. Add that to my 4 year old who always seems to need to poop right when the bus comes but doesn't want to miss the bus, I am getting pretty sick and tired of this....stuff!

But, the real issue is my fears. They are so out of control. Kind of like my life in a way. My house is a mess. I have no energy to clean, cook or basically do anything. I feel like a grouch all the time and then when something goes wrong, well, I just get grouchier. I feel like a bad mother. I know that I am doing the best that I can, but I just can't shake the feeling that I stink at being a mother. Like it's somehow my fault they got sick. Like it's my fault that Gillian has Ulcerative Colitis, like every thing is just my fault.

I forgot about my counseling appt. yesterday and feel terrible. I don't even want to go back to that counselor now. Maybe I just feel as though there is no one out there that can help?

I am just throwing stuff around this disjointed blog today. While I feel as though I need some down time, I feel guilty about that too. Maybe motherhood is one big guilt trip?

2 comments:

Shari said...

Oh Wen- when the world looks like it has beat you down below into hell remember GOD is holding his arms out for you to climb into and hold you tight and take all your worries and cares. Find your good book (Holy Bible) and open it- there you'll find him waiting with kisses. Lots of prayers to ya and family
Luv Cuz Shari

Judy said...

Aha...you figured it out! Yes, motherhood IS one big guilt trip. Just don't take that trip, hon. I have seen your children AND your house - both of them are just fine. The reason Katie has to go #2 before she gets on the bus is that most folks have to go at that hour of the morning. And do I blame my mother for my IBS? No, it just happened, it's one of those things. You are a wonderful mother, because I have seen you do it. Many a time I find myself saying, "How does she do it?" And believe me, dear, you are doing it. It's easy to fall into that trap. Don't worry, the house will get cleaned - someday. The kids will be well. Do they have food? Is the house warm? Do you love them? Then they have what they need. And don't worry about the counselor, either - she's just a business person, and if her business couldn't provide you with what you need, don't feel guilty about going elsewhere. Value yourself, and you will reconcile this. In the meantime, you are loved.