I wish I could kick this irrational fear thing that I have. And stop crying over every little thing. Everytime one of my kids gets sick, I worry about them being really sick even if they just have a cold, or them passing it on to the rest of the house. Gillian woke up sick this morning. She seems to be getting sick a lot. Add that to my 4 year old who always seems to need to poop right when the bus comes but doesn't want to miss the bus, I am getting pretty sick and tired of this....stuff!
But, the real issue is my fears. They are so out of control. Kind of like my life in a way. My house is a mess. I have no energy to clean, cook or basically do anything. I feel like a grouch all the time and then when something goes wrong, well, I just get grouchier. I feel like a bad mother. I know that I am doing the best that I can, but I just can't shake the feeling that I stink at being a mother. Like it's somehow my fault they got sick. Like it's my fault that Gillian has Ulcerative Colitis, like every thing is just my fault.
I forgot about my counseling appt. yesterday and feel terrible. I don't even want to go back to that counselor now. Maybe I just feel as though there is no one out there that can help?
I am just throwing stuff around this disjointed blog today. While I feel as though I need some down time, I feel guilty about that too. Maybe motherhood is one big guilt trip?