I knew it

2 weeks ago I was compelled to go to my father's grave. Compelled I tell ya. Last night my mother called me to tell me that she heard that my Uncle Bob passed away 2 weeks ago. I just looked online and saw the obit and left a message for an Aunt that I probably saw the last time when my father died. But still, it's sad. I didn't know my uncle well, but I do remember that he looked just like my Dad. Just like him. So much so that I remember staring at him during my father's funeral. These things make me so sad. It's like history slipping away. So, next weekend, we (my sister, mother and I) are taking the kids and going out to visit my Uncle Dick and Aunt Phyllis before more history gets away from us. My father was one of 10 and now there are 8 left. That's enough to get some history flowing!

I miss my father so much. It gives me the shivers to think that somehow, somewhere I knew that something was going on.

Out with the old

And in with the new. I didn't do that Meme that everyone else is doing because frankly I don't want to be reminded of last year. Other than some notable fun times like my youngest daughter turning 3 and being one of the brightest lights of my life and my oldest daughter turning 14 and being another shining star (when she isn't being a pain in the ol buttocks) and the ongoing and contniuing love and patience of my DP, the rest of it is well put to rest. I am looking forward to packing that year away with the Christmas tree, and dusting myself off, picking myself up and starting a whole new year fresh!

This year I intend to write a book. What kind who knows, but one will flow.

I will have spinal surgery and hopefully no longer be in agonizing pain and maybe, just maybe become an effective mother to my children and be a fully participating partner. Maybe give back a little of what was given to me?

I am going to get an accurate diagnosis of whether I have MS or not. And it's not going to be with the MD from HELL. I am still waiting on a referral, but I am sure one will be forthcoming.

So, folks, that's that for this year. Stay tuned for next year's exciting exploits!

Killing others

When I first read the headlines of the newspaper this morning about Sadddam being hanged, my first initial reaction was sadness. Then I thought about that and my intellectual mind stepped in and said, "Wait, this man killed thousands of people and many in barbaric ways". But, as the singer/songwriter Holly Near writes and sings, "Why do we kill people, who kill people to show that killing people is wrong"?

I really struggle with this. I wish I could be black and white in my thinking about this. You kill someone then you get killed yourself. That's your punishment and there isn't really anything to discuss. But, and there really is always a but, who gives us the right to take someone else's life? Who gives us the right to judge someone else for that they have done? Sure, we hire judges and pick juries of our peers (are they really our peers?),but is this really justice? Won't there be someone to carry on for him? There are so many followers that will continue his work and hanging Sadam is just going to make them angry and ramp up the violence over in Iraq. Which by the way is where our American troops are stationed.

Anyway, the point that I am trying to make is that who really has the right to judge who lives or dies? I don't mean for a minute that we let people who are a danger to society run free. They need to be locked up. And I don't wear rose colored glasses and think that all felons can be rehabilitated, some have just been so damaged from the start that there is no rehab in the world that will ever be able to help them to be productive members of society.

I just have a hard time with one human judging another and then killing them when it's decided that it's just and right. I know that there are a lot of people who will disagree with me and that's OK.

The whole thing makes me feel sad. Sad that the world that we live in is so corrupt and evil. There is so much anger in the world we live in. So much eye for and eye, tooth for a tooth kind of thinking. I wonder what would happen if for just one day the whole world set aside their differences and just got along? Got to know their neighbors for who they really were. Were able to agree to disagree for the sake of argument and got on with life as friends.

What a wonderful world that would be eh?

Writing

I have been wanting to write a book for a long time. I just feel as though there is something there that needs to be said. I have no writing style and a million ideas. Cheryl got me 2 great books to help me explore these issues and how to get it down on paper. I can't write physically anymore because of my hand issues, but I can still type.

So, any of you out there written a great book and want to give me pointers? I almost want to write something that I would have to research, because at least I know how to do that! Maybe I should start with a journal article or something huh?

Anyway, I will keep you updated on my progress!

Babysitting.....

Here is the way cool Dora chair Great Grandma and Great Grandpa got Katie (so she would stop sitting on the arm of the couch) and behind her is the crib that Grandma got her with the Doll and some clothes. She has on her Dora elbow and knee pads (minus the skates - I am a mean Mommy and won't let her wear them in the house). When I asked her what she was doing, she said, "Babysitting". LOL!

The day after

Well, I did my best. I really did. Only left MIL's house in a huff once over something she said to Gillian. Only threw one thing at my youngest sister who thought she knew everything.

Christmas and I just don't get along. I have no idea why I get so damn uptight over it. Well, I do know and I am not going to talk about it here. Suffice it to say that I have never had a Christmas where I could just sit back and enjoy. Maybe next year I will just ask for Valium and try and be merry for the kids.

You know this all cicles back around to my disability right? I can't do the things that I used to do and I feel really resentful to those who can. I can't bake anymore and I can't really do anything related to shopping other than online. Having no money (or at least not having the money that I wish I did) really makes me angry too. Another year of no vacations in the planning also depresses me. I just wish we could get away and know that it's not financially in the cards. I don't feel as though I am shorting my kids because before the big "disability" and I was working, we could do things. SO, they have been places and done things that I never did.

I guess I am back to being angry about the whole SSD thing. Come on already. Award me the money so that I can live again. Just live. Not live high on the hog. But live enough so that we can not worry about money for once.

OK..now that I have blamed everything and everyone for my anger, let's just call it the way it needs to be called. I am pissed that I am disabled. Disabled without a clear diagnosis. So, there. I said it. I am disabled and I am pissed.

Waiting some more

Well, we met with the MD from hell yesterday and he has washed his hands of me. Doesn't know what is wrong, doesn't think it's MS, says go and get some balance therapy and maybe you'll feel all better.

I can't remember a time when I have been so mad, sad, anxious, depressed and then mad, sad and everything all over again. The wait for the local hospital is long but I am waiting to see if I can get into the clinic in Rochester. I don't want to go there either.

You know what I want? I WANT MY DAMN BODY BACK, and I want it back the way it was. You know, when I could read all I want? When I could walk without falling down? When I could hold things without dropping them? When I could maintain a coherent thought in my mind? YES!!!! That body. The one that doesn't hurt all the time. The one that I can trust to do the things that I used to be able to trust it to do.

This sucks. That's all I have to say about it.

Waiting

Every year I tell myself that I am not going to get caught up in all the hubub of the holiday season. I tell myself that I am just going to go slow and enjoy all the beauty of the season. It's supposed to be about waiting, waiting for the birth of the saviour, waiting and more waiting.


I have never been good at waiting. I want to instill in my children patience and I don't practice it well myself. But this year, I really wanted Christmas to be about Christ and all that He brings to my life. And once again, it's about presents and who is getting what and how much we are spending and how do we make everyone else happy. Notice I said, EVERYONE ELSE.

So, I am taking a deep breath and going to try and spend these next few days being patient. Not getting caught up in the hubub and trying to role model this for my children.

The other night Katie was having a hard time getting to sleep. Lots going on at school, a meltdown at Target, you get the picture. I took her into our room, sat down with her in our rocker, wrapped her up in her flannel princess blanket and just rocked her to sleep. I didn't read, I didn't think, I just sat with her in the moment. I sang and hummed to her. She fell asleep and I fell into a relaxed state of mind that I have been trying to achieve for days. I think tonight, after I go out and get that LAST present, pick Gillian up from karate, I am going to climb into the rocker and just rock. Maybe it will work again. And then tomorrow, I am going to carry that feeling over into the day with me.

Check in tomorrow and we'll see how it's going OK?

Gillian's Cotillion

Gwendolyn doing Gillian's hair

Hair is all done!


My girlchild/woman


All ready to go!

Our new Christmas Gift from Mom

Before


During

After


This is the rug we chose!


I don't think there are words to express our thanks to Cheryl's mother for paying for us to get a new floor put in. It's like a whole new house and I am just thankful for it. God really does work in mysterious ways. I pray everyday for a lot of things and for a lot of people, but I don't usually pray for things for my house. I am thankful that we have a house to live in. But I feel as though we have been given a gift not just from Mom, but from God as well.

Random pics

I was going through some pictures that I have taken and thought I would share them with you. As soon as I DL the ones from Gillian's cotillion (semi-formal)I will do a whole post of that experience with pics included. By that time our new floors should be in and I can post some good before and after pics. For now enjoy random pics....

Katie told us this year that she wasn't going to sit on Santa's lap, but rather throw her list at him and run. As you can see, she had a change of heart.










Be on the lookout in the next few days of the cotillion pictures. It was the day that my little girl really made me realize that she was indeed becoming a woman.

Medical update

I want to thank every single person who has supported me through this medical journey that I have been on. The MRI was fine. It was more open than they led me to believe, and I could have done it with no valium. They gave me some glasses to wear and I tried to watch Ellen, but kept falling asleep. Finally, they had to ask me something and I asked them to take the glasses off since they were hurting my nose. And the whole time Cheryl was there holding my hand. Not once did she break contact with me. Thank you for that gift honey.

I have my inner ear/balance test today and then I go back to the as*hole MD on the 21st since I haven't heard back that they have been able to get me in to another neuro yet.

On another note, my new pain MD put me on Cymbalta and Lyrica and reduced me down to 2 o*ycontin, but wouldn't you guess it? My insurance won't cover the Cymbalta because I have to try some other drugs (like Lyrica) before they will approve this drug. Well, they also denied the Lyrica too so I don't really know what they want me to do. I am letting the MD's office and insurance duke it out, because to be honest, I can't deal with one more thing right now.

Our floors are going to be ripped up in the family room and kitchen today and our Christmas present from Santa is going to be put in. Beautiful hardwoods in both room. But in the meantime, I have to live in chaos....and today because of the test, I have to be off my Klonopin for 24 hours. Not a good day to do that, but one has to do what one has to do! This weekend we can put the house back to rights and put up the tree.

I have one little 3 year old who is VERY excited about the Christmas season. She can't wait for the tree to go up!

I Never Ever win....

But today I did....follow this link...

http://www.9wsyr.com/bridge_street/ Then go down the side panel and click where it says, Shoppingtown Mall - Prize Vault 2 12/8/06 you will see me winning! It's very cool!