Tuesday, December 26, 2006

The day after

Well, I did my best. I really did. Only left MIL's house in a huff once over something she said to Gillian. Only threw one thing at my youngest sister who thought she knew everything.

Christmas and I just don't get along. I have no idea why I get so damn uptight over it. Well, I do know and I am not going to talk about it here. Suffice it to say that I have never had a Christmas where I could just sit back and enjoy. Maybe next year I will just ask for Valium and try and be merry for the kids.

You know this all cicles back around to my disability right? I can't do the things that I used to do and I feel really resentful to those who can. I can't bake anymore and I can't really do anything related to shopping other than online. Having no money (or at least not having the money that I wish I did) really makes me angry too. Another year of no vacations in the planning also depresses me. I just wish we could get away and know that it's not financially in the cards. I don't feel as though I am shorting my kids because before the big "disability" and I was working, we could do things. SO, they have been places and done things that I never did.

I guess I am back to being angry about the whole SSD thing. Come on already. Award me the money so that I can live again. Just live. Not live high on the hog. But live enough so that we can not worry about money for once.

OK..now that I have blamed everything and everyone for my anger, let's just call it the way it needs to be called. I am pissed that I am disabled. Disabled without a clear diagnosis. So, there. I said it. I am disabled and I am pissed.


Judy said...

I'll tell you why you get so uptight over Christmas - because your sister DOES know everything (and I know this, because I have a sister who knows everything, so apparently each family is genetically geared to have one), although I applaud you for throwing something at her - I haven't found anything to throw at my sister yet, but the day is coming. And I know why you're uptight - because this society is so friggin' overcommercialized, the holiday's have become a competition to see who can outbuy whom, and Christ has been taken out of Christmas. When God sent his Son to be born in a manger, did he say this was the precursor to holiday bakeoffs, spiked eggnog and fighting over parking spaces at the mall? No, I'm sure this was not in His plans - but we've gone and screwed that up (one more thing to screw up). When society starts putting Christ back into Christmas, and remembering it is the season of goodwill to others, then maybe we could stress a bit less. And next year, just give them all friggin' Chia Pets.

Dharma said...

Anger is a good thing right now. Use the anger to find out more about what exactly is wrong and proceed to figure what you can do with it. Things will shift, I know they will.