Ok, so I am still upset over our counseling session with Gillian last night. All she talked about the whole time was how I sucked as a mother. I could have titled this post...How do I suck as a mother, let me count the ways. To hear her tell it, I spend all my time on the computer. She does everything (or Cheryl does) and I do nothing. When Gillian walks in the house at 4PM, I am usually on the computer checking mail and/or doing something for someone. Sometimes I am even (GASP) doing something for myself. The thing is, with Gillian, you can never do enough for her. I go out of my way to not ask her to help with Katie so that she doesn't feel resentful of her. I don't bother to ask her to help out around the house because then I just get attitude and it drives me nuts. Of course this sets Cheryl up because then when she asks her to do something she looks like the bad guy and I feel like crap because I have put it all on her. Nothing is ever enough. But to sit there last night and just list the ways that I suck as a mother was almost too much. Because you know secretly down deep, I think she is right. I should keep the house cleaner, I shouldn't let Katie watch as much TV as she does, I should be in the kitchen whipping up gourmet meals and have them on the dinner at 6pm. (Oh, wait, they really should be on by 5:30 so that they don't interfere with Gillian's karate schedule.
No, I think the real problem is me. I could sit with Katie all day and it wouldn't be enough. The house could be spic and span and there would still be something else to do, I could cater to Gillian's every whim and she would still be there with her hand out telling me that it's still not enough. I am tired of feeling guilty when I take time for myself (Like right now as I type, Katie is playing on the floor with her toys and I feel as though I should be down there playing with her...come on, what kind of mother am I anyway?) For the record, Cheryl is very good about coming home and jumping right in. If anyone in this family gets the bum deal, it's her. The biggest part of this whole problem is accepting that I am disabled. At 38, I am not able to do the things that most adults at this age can and it SUCKS big time. I am angry because of it and there isn't a darn thing I can do but accept it huh? Mayb
I am tired. I am tired of trying to do the right thing all the time. I am tired of the expectations that I try to hold myself to. I know that if you are reading this that you are surely tired of all the darn whining I am doing lately.....
OK...I am off...maybe tomorrow will be a better day.