At a loss for words

Over the past couple of weeks, I have been thinking about a way to blog about how angry I was that I was turned down for SSD. I was particularly angry with God. How could He, with His almighty power, not turn a miracle for me and my family? And then, a miracle did happen. The other day our family recieved a gift card for a substancial amount to a local grocery store from my dear friends over at my Queer moms group. They had all gotten together and sent our family this gift card. Enough by the way to feed our family for a month. And then another miracle. I had mentioned again to this group, that I had gotten a free $25 gift card to Lands End from the place where I accrue points when I do survey's. By the end of the day, one of the women from Queer mom's sent me another $25 GC to Land's End. Apparently, where she works offers GC from www.giftcertificates.com and she had one. She sent her's to me for Land's End. Soon, one of the women that she works with sent another $25 GC to Lands End. Katie will now have clothes to get her through the winter.

Now this same day, my friend Judy shows up at Cheryl's work with the biggest bin of size 5 clothes I have ever seen! Another miracle? Seems like it too me. Lots of jeans in this bin. By the end of the day, my Queer mom friend e-mails me and tells me that another woman and her sister have some more clothes that their 6&7 year old daughters have outgrown, so expect a shipment coming soon! I offered to pay for shipping and I get a "Nope, we'll do it throught he company!" As I am signing off, my Queer friend again sends me an e-mail that one of her colleage's has just gotten married and has some Target gift cards to offer up. This will take care of school supplies for Gillian.

By the end of the day, I had money to feed my family. Clothes to get Katie through the winter, other than boots and a winter coat! Gillian is also in need of the same, but with all this help, we should be able to pull together the money to pay for these! Oh, and some jammies for Katie. Hopefully we'll be able to get some of those from Target too! If any of you that read me, have any of these items and were going to donate them to The Salvation Army and want to pass them my way, I would be willing to pay postage!

So, in my anger at God, I got a very clear message. God does provide. I will never be able to thank my friends and Queer moms, Judy and especially Kim, who made all the GC happen. You have all restored my faith not just in myself, but in the world in general. You have all given so unselfishly of yourselves and I will forever be grateful.

Thank you all. From the bottom of my heart.

And blessed be to God, the Almighty and maker of miracles.

Another whiney post.....

Delete if you don't want to come to my pity party OK?

I can't stand this anymore. I am so tired of feeling depressed. Guilty because we don't have the money to get the girls stuff they want. Not need. We are providing for their needs, but I feel so damn impotent. Katie wants a bike. She has never had a bike of her own and currently owns a handmedown trike that she is too big for. She tells me "Can I have a new Dora bike when we get some money Mommy?" Sure you can, but who knows when that will be.

Gillian had to spend all her own money on school clothes. I always said that I would never do that to my kids. And here I am. I know...there are some of you who feel as though this isn't an issue. But it is for me.

Even though I know rationally these are not big issues, they are for me. Really big. I feel like I am failing my kids. I feel like I am failing my partner. She didn't sign on for this.

I don't know what I would do without her or my girls. They are truly my reasons for living. Chery, you are my rock. I know that life is hard, but I want to tell you in front of people that I call friends, that you are the most wonderful partner a person could ever ask for. I know my being disabled makes things very hard, but you never waiver in your love for me. You are always there for me to help me feel safe and loved. I love you now, I will love you forever. Thank you Cheryl for being my partner, the true definition of partner. I only hope that I give you back a tenth of what you give me. I also want to thank you for being the best Mama the girls could ask for. And the best parenting partner, I could ask for. Are things always smooth? No. I would be lying. But are they the best they can be under the circumstances? Yes. Thank you and I love you!

Updated Montage

For those of you new to me, here is the montage that I made of my family. Those of you who have seen it before, I added some more pics at the end!

Edit video online at onetruemedia.com

My Grandfather - redeux

My Grandfather is back in the hospital and has pneumonia. And since someone in Liverpool is now reading me, and the only person I know in Liverpool is my Aunt who is taking care of my Grandfather, I want to state for the record that she has been taking phenomenal care of him! She has everything organized (and let me tell you that that is a HUGE job) and just all around takes good care of him. So, it's not because of her that he's there...he just developed pneumonia. They also changed the thickness of his food and didn't slow down the rate, so he also threw up.

Anyway, I want to talk about people who read my blog and not liking feeling as though my privacy is invaded. I know, I know...it's not private when it's on the web, so I guess I just have to say....if you know me and read me, beware, I might say something you don't want to hear or know. There, you've been warned. This is my space to talk about things that either make me happy,sad, mad or just plain want to bitch about. It isn't about you...it's about me...but then again, isn't it always?

Shopping with Gillian

OK...so I love to shop, but we haven't had one extra penny to spend. Gillian has to spend all of her birthday and babysitting money on her school clothes this year and I feel so guilty! I always told myself that I would never do this to my kids....but I guess there really isn't any other option. And she seems to be OK with it.

Let me tell you how glad that I am that Gillian likes to wear "boy clothes" because the clothes that they have out there for girls (even little girls) are just horrid. If you can even call them clothes. Pants so tight and low that you can see butt crack. Shirts so tight and short that you can see bra and belly. Why? I just hate to see girls disrespect themselves so much. And while I was looking to see what they had for little girls (Katie is in a 4 already....and that's not a 4T, although some 4T fit) they are the same. What ever happened to cute little girl dresses? I did find some a Kohl's but they were too expensive. So, Katie has one pair of pants for the fall and my good friend Judy is coming down next week with her 5T bin so that hopefully will give her some more clothes for the fall.

Anyway, what do you think about girls clothes these days?

A tisket, A tasket, a beautiful blue basket!

Gillian made this beautiful basket today with her mentor (from her church seeker's class). Isn't it beautiful?

I thought I was a SAHM?

So, why don't I ever stay home? This morning found us running out to the library. Katie got some books and I returned some. I told Katie to get a couple of million books, because we were going to get Grandma (her great grandma) and take her to a MD appt. So, after the library, we go and get Grandma (who lives with my Uncle (this would be the SOB one) and take her to the MD. Did I mention that they live on the opposite side of the county from me? We head into the city, head the the MD's office, which happens to be in the hospital physician's office bldg, and arrive just in time for her appt. I brought Gillian and the aforementioned books so that she could entertain Katie in the waiting room while I went in with Grandma, because Aunt Nancy (the SOB's wife) asked me to ask the MD some questions about my Grandfather. Anyway, Grandma gets called and Katie doesn't want to stay in the waiting room, so in she trots with me. I introduce myself to the MD and boy is he a nice, patient MD. First thing he asks is about Grandpa. BTW - Grandpa ate 4 teaspoons of applesause so here's a big raspberry to the nurse who told us he'd never eat again!!!

Anyway, back to my story. Grandma is all upset because her ankle's are still swollen and the medication he gave her last time isn't working. He suggests stockings and she goes off half cocked. I get her calmed down and we get it figured out that she got mixed up and was still taking one of the meds that she was supposed to stop. Anyway....hopefully that is all straigtened out. I wrote down everything he told her (and me) and got her next few appt's scheduled and got out of there. On the way back to taking her home, I stop at my lawyer (who is handeling the ssd stuff) and give her the affidavit from my MD we need for the appeal (that will take 2 more years to happen I am sure). I take Grams home and visit with my Grandfather and then take the girls to the playground near their home. I am starving. Luckily I packed them lunch, but not me. All I want to do is come home. I finally convince them that if we don't leave right now I will surely expire! So, I am home. I left the house at 9:45am and got back at 3PM!!!!. Everyone tells me that I am a SAHM, but I sure don't stay home do I?

AAAAH, vacation!

Well, I came back to almost 1,000 e-mails, but I knew you, dear readers wanted to hear all about our exciting vacation up to my Grandparents camp in Canada. We did have a nice time. We had a relaxing time, which is what we really, really needed. Although there is a phone, it's on party line and it's a pain in the butt to call out on. People can call in, but there aren't many people that know the number, so it didn't ring very often. There is satelite TV so the one day that it rained Katie got to watch Noggin and Gillian caught a few episodes of "That 70's Show". We swam, I took the kids and Cheryl for a boat ride (a very short boat ride) and we canoed (again a very short Canoe trip).

The boat story. My uncle, who made a bit stink about anyone going up to camp except for him and his family (it's a long, long story - if you want it, e-mail me). Anyway, he makes a big deal about whatever gas you use in the boat, you have to replace it. He leaves me with empty tanks in both boats. Then, after I go into town and spend $25 on gas for the boat, he neglects to tell me that the stearing is shot (since my Grandfather had the boat down in FL in the salt water and the stearing got all corroded). So, I go to take the boat out and find that I can barely steer the damn thing. Since I don't have a whole lot of experience with the boat, I turn around, and manage to dock the sucker. To say that I was pissed was an understatment. This boat is what we call the big boat. The one with the big motor that can take you down the lake in half the time it would take in the little (or fishing boat). You can move around in it without worrying about it capsizing too. You can also fit more people in it. So, I have a major panic attack, but with the help of my calm co-captain, Cheryl, we manage to dock the boat the first time. The next day, I get my Great uncle (not the same AHOLE UNCLE) to how me how to use the small boat and we take off across the lake to a bay where we might see some loons and other wild life. I am nervous, because this boat is small and it's windy out and it's bumping along in the waves. All I can think about is how I am going to get the damn boat back in the boat house. The big boat was docked outside the boat house so it wasn't as hard. After an extremely comical docking of the small boat (imagine me climbing out of the boat and holding onto it, trying to turn it around the right way to get it into the boat house) we docked it. This process sent me into another panic attack. I think I took a nap after this one.

Hey, wasn't this supposed to be a RELAXING vacation? My uncle (again, the nice one) graciously allowed us to use his canoe and we took it out one evening for a short spin around the island. Gillian sat behind me telling me all of the things that I was doing wrong in paddling. I wanted to crack her over the head with the oar, but refraned. So, after 2 days of boat debacles, we decide to pack a picnic lunch and take the girls down the lake, find an island and have a nice picnic lunch. I also let Gillian paddle, since she was the master paddler apparently! Well, it was windy and as any sane person knows, it's very difficult to paddle in windy conditions. The boat was rocking, I was feeling another panic attack coming on and we just went home. I guess I am not a boating person. I don't mind riding, I just don't want to be in charge.

So, we slept (well some of us did), we ate well and we relaxed. Kind of. Most of all, we got away. The lake was beautiful. The loons were so wonderful to listen to. There really isn't anything like going to camp. I just missed my Grandparents Camp isn't camp without them.

Happy Birthday Gillian!

This picture was taken when Gillian and I went on the NightWatch trip back in February. She is in front, it's one of the few pictures of her with her hair down and I think it is just GILLIAN! If you look to the left of her you can see me busting some moves (I have on the blue LLBean overalls).

I am so thankful for this child. She has done nothing but keep me on my toes since she was born. From the 10 weeks of bedrest leading up to an induced labor at 42 weeks that lasted 27 hours with 2 hours of pushing thrown in. Her head never decended. I should have known then that I was in for it! After a crash C-Section, my first child was born on August 5th, 1992 at 8:06am. She weighed 7 pounds 3 oz and was 21" long. She came crashing into my world, and has taught me the important need for a parent to be patient. She has also taught me that no child is ours, but rather our for a short time. To hopefully impart manners, skills, values and judgement and then give them the wings they need to fly. I only hope that when that time comes, I have the grace to let her go.

I love you Gillian. Forever and for always.

Who are you?

I have noticed that I have a lot of readers but few posters. SO, I am interested in who some of you are. Especially who reads me from Washington DC (Dept of Labor). I am also interested in knowing who reads me from NY: Rome, Buffalo, Bedford, Bellmore and Kew Gardens. Other's that read me (and am I impressed) is someone from Israel, Hinton, Alberta in Canada, Aspley, Queensland in Australia, Prestwich, Salford in UK, Eastwood, New South Wales in Australia, Courtenay, British Columbia, Aukland, New Zealand, and a whole contingent from CA - Sacramento, San Diego, Victorville and some others. Someone reads me from Salt Lake City, Utah, Omaha NB, Norwalk, CT, Taylors, SC, Port Angeles, WA, Baltimore, MD (Hi SASSY), and Ingleside, TX. I am impressed that I only have one reader from TX!!! Berlin is another one I just noticed!

Anyway, if you want to shout out and put a face to the place feel free to do so!

Also, give a shout out to my 14 year old Gillian! Today is her birthday. Another post to follow when we finish her party!

My Lord, what a morning!

Well, poor Gillian has been sick for a couple of days with a cold. On top of that her colitis has been acting up. It's hard to tell with her when she gets diarreah if it's illness or colitis, so when she told me yesterday that she hurt all over, I was thinking illness. She woke up this morning feeling worse, so I took her in to the MD and sure enough, she has a nasty sinus infection. It was actually kind of neat because the MD had a student with her and she had him look up her nose and I asked if I could look too. It was so nasty. Thick green ropes of snot just hanging down. Anyway, she gave us an antibiotic and then went and got some saline stuff for Gillian to use to wash out her nose and help break up the infection. I was impressed because she went to hand the saline stuff to me, reconsidered and then gave it to Gillian and explained to her how and when to use it. After we left the MD, I stopped to get Katie (I left her at MIL's house because I didn't want her to pick up germs at the MD office and she already has a cold). After getting Katie, we headed to the grocery store because I wanted to get stuff for Gillian's party this weekend.

Can you believe that I am going to be the mother of a 14 year old???? We are having a family birthday party out at my sister's on Sunday and then when we get back from camp, I will take her and a couple of friends to the movies, or let her have a small sleep over here at the house.

So, the reason that we are having her party at my sister's is that she lives near my uncle. What's the big deal you say? My Grandfather is at my Uncle's recovering from his open heart surgery and my Aunt (who is doing almost ALL of his care) is going up to camp for a few days and my Grandmother is too confused to take care of Grandpa approapriately. SO, I was supposed to go over and spend the night tonight, but since both kids are sick (and I would have to take them with me because Cheryl needs to go to work in the AM) I had to have my mother go over instead. And my sister (who is a nurse) is going over 3-4 times a day to feed/push meds. My Grandfather still can't eat or drink anything by mouth. They aren't sure whether they are going to be able to fix this problem which would mean he would spend the rest of his life being tube fed.

Another big news item is that Katie got her hair cut! Doesn't she look cute? She told me that she wanted to do it when we went to get her bangs cut and she is just so proud of herself. I told her she wouldn't be able to have ponies anymore for a while, but she didn't care. She totally looks like a little girl now and not a baby anymore. The picture here stinks because I had it taken in one of those little booths (since I don't have a digital camera) but you get the jist!

Blog cloud!

They take all the words from your blog and put them into a cloud. Pretty neat eh?