For The Beauty Of The Earth

And The Glory Of The GLory Of The Skies

Whenever our Iris's come out, they remind me of this hymn....aren't they just gorgeous. And when I am down, and when I think that there isn't anything in life to be grateful for, all I have to do is look outside my window and look at the blessing that God has bestowed upon our world....






I took these picutes today because the Iris's were just so beautiful and I just wanted to share them all with you! Enjoy!

Baptism

Gillian was baptised and confirmed today. (Pictures to follow). It was one of the best days of my life. Gillian chose to be baptised by immersion and what a thrill it was to see. First of all, I was so happy that our interm pastor and good friend Rev. Dr. Kathleen Waters baptised Gillian. She baptised both of our girls! It was so thrilling to see Gillian enter the water and be submerged! Then be blessed by Kathleen! After a quick change, she joined her friends and was confirmed and now belongs to our church. The whole service was moving and emotional. Cheryl and I stood up as her parents and were presented with her candle, baptismal certificate and her engraved shell along with the parents of the 2 other teens who were baptised. Accepted just as we always are. It really was a day. An emotional, wonderful and beautiful day. Look for pictures tomorrow after I DL them!

OK, I admit it.....

I am completely and totally addicted to Hanna Andersson clothes for Katie. Well, if they would fit me I would buy them for me too. If you have never receieved their catalog, then go here Hanna Andersson and you will fall in love with the clothes too. I especially love the play all day dresses and have grown a respectable collection through selling old clothes on e-bay and buying used ones! And then I found a friend who goes to the outlet store in Kittery ME. She brought me back $300 worth of clothes for a fraction of that! And they were cute, cute, cute things. There was even a play all day dress in there. Last time she came back with 2 pairs of pants. 1 leggings that I am still trying to find a match for and a pair of capri's that I have matched with not only a souvenir dress, but a play all day dress (that I scored for $2.25 on e-bay). Now, I am starting to branch out into the other cute clothes area's. I won my first Oilily today for a steal (note to self, shop on Saturday PM when no one else in on the computer) and am waiting to see if I won a Zoodles outfit. And I am able to do all this on my earnings from selling on e-bay and finding really good deals. I also find that setting a price and walking away from the computer and not engaging in bidding wars is best practice too.

I do think this "retail therapy" is because of 2 things. 1 is that I never had nice stuff growing up. I had one pair of pants that I bought myself and then my sister and I wore my mother's shirts. It wasn't until I was in college and able to make money that I bought myself stuff. But do I buy myself nice stuff now? Nope. Just the kids. And mainly just Katie cause Gillian wants to shop herself. She is 14 afterall. Anyway, the 2nd reason that I think I like to shop (and get really good deals) is because it helps me justify spending. Like the other day. I bought my mother a really nice sweater for Mother's Day. Got home and realized someone had put a size 14 kids sweater in the women's section. After a little research on e-bay, I realized that I might be able to make some money off this sweater. And I did. To the tune of $16! I am going to garge sales and thrift shops looking for deals to sell. Take the right picture, price it right and voila! A sale.

So, Hanna, I hope you enjoy this as much as I do. And Katie...you look as cute as a bug in a rug! I will post pictures as I take them to share with you. And entice you into going and buying some of these cute clothes yourselves. And if you have a problem with sizing...just ask me! LOL! Oh, and if you have some outgrown clothes, well you know who to call....JK!

Look out tomorrow for a post and hopefully some pictures from Gillian's baptism and confirmation. She is being baptised by immersion and then confirmed. I am very excited! It's a big day in my family.

Another day

So, last night I was lying there awake thinking, "You know, it's about time I write a post about the good things that are happening in my life" Then this morning came and it was the same damn thing. Why can't I stop being depressed? I have 2 wonderful children and a partner that would walk on water for me. But I can't escape it. I have great friends who have gone above and beyond, yet, I can't escape it. Yes, I know. I need to go to counseling. I am a counselor, so I know that. We don't have the money.

I HATE LIVING WITH NO MONEY AND I HATE THAT I CAN'T WORK TO ADD MONEY TO THE HOUSEHOLD AND I HATE THAT MONEY HAS SUCH A HOLD OVER ME.

Whew, that felt good. I don't know how to live without my own money. I have always taken care of myself and for a while Gillian too, since I was 16. Now I can't. I am trying to sell on e-bay, but it is so hard. If you sell, then you know how hard it is.

But mostly, I am mourining the loss of my ability to take care of myself financially. I am pissed off at the social security system who continues to make me PROVE that I am disabled. How much more proof do they need? I just wish that I could read their minds so that I could give them what they need. And all this waiting....we need the money NOW! We have been waiting for 5 years and I am TIRED.

Lest you think that Cheryl lives high on the hog while the rest of us suffer...no way. She is the one who always goes without. Right now we are saving for a van. What will she get? My old car. Nothing new for her. I hate that she is always last. I hate that I am always last. I hate that someone has to be last.

And vacations? When is the last time you took one? Well, unless we go to my Grandparents camp, we don't get one. Oh yeah, we went to Cancun 2 years ago, but MIL paid for that...and I paid for it physically.

I am really sorry guys. You have all been there for me. But I need somewhere to get this all out. I hate not having my own money to spend. Cheryl will give me whatever I need, even if we don't have it. That's not the issue. The issue is that when I worked I had money that I could spend and not be accountable for how I spent it. I have lost that!

OK. I am going now. Enough feeling sorry for myself. I am going to try and start really looking at the positive. I have to if I am going to make it through life in a decent way. I know there are other's who have it much worse than me. I know that. I really do know that.

Thank you all for being here for me. I have the best friends anyone can ask for. I have the best partner a woman can ask for and my kids...well that goes without saying. They along with my partner are my my reason for life.

Bad, bad blogger

I know. I have been bad. I have to come right out and admit that I have been seriously depressed. So depressed that it has affected my family and friends. I don't know when it started, but I imagine it was the surgery that threw me overboard. I didn't have a good outcome. I saw my surgeon last week and he is saying that he suspects that one of the screws or rods is pressing on a nerve and that is what is making my leg hurt so badly. I can barely drive, still have to walk with a cane and can't afford physical therapy. I also can no longer work. I am so, so depressed over the thought of giving up my career. I have been a social worker all my life and to hear the MD say that I will have to give that up has been the most depressing thing of all. I just can't sit for an hour at a time any more.

I have to believe that something good is coming my way. I have good friends who have helped us out and all of my blogging buddies have always been there for me/us. Financially we are getting by. But it's just one more frustration. One that seems to have Cheryl and I arguing more and more. I hate money. I hate not having enough and I hate that it controls my life so much.

I am putting my trust in God. He will provide. He always has.

Katie has a new tooth!

About 2 years ago Katie fell and chipped her tooth. Well, a few weeks ago, I noticed that the 2 teeth next to it were turning brown so I took her to the dentist where it was determined that she needed a pulpotomy and that the teeth next to the chipped one were just stained (WHEW!). SO, off we went to the dentist today and after determining that she didn't really need the pulpotomy, they put on a crown (I think that's what it's called) and she has a whole tooth again! Here she is with her cute 'ol self!

Clothing help please - Hanna Andersson

OK - I am asking for some help here! I have scoured everywhere on the internet to try and find the match to these leggings. They are Pink W/Red Stripes. They are from the 2004 Hanna Andersson Fall/Winter line and are called shell pink. They go with either a Red Dot Dress or a Red Dress W/Pink Stripes. If you go to
Hanna Fanna's and look under the 2004 lines and go to play all day dresses winter holiday line, you will see the dress's that I am looking for. The pants are a size 120 so I could go with either a 120, or a 110 or even a 130 if need be.

So, if you know anyone who knows Hanna's and might be able to help me, please feel free to forward this on to them. I am hoping that when the winter catalog comes out they will have something to match, if not, then I will keep scouring e-bay the way that I have. Thanks guys! You all rock!

Trying to stay positive

So, there isn't much going on at the present time. Now that we've decided not to move, all the hubbubb has died down and we are going on as usual. You know, growing up, I always lived in crisis. Something was always going on in our family and it usually wasn't good. Old habits die hard I suppose. I seem to thrive on crisis. It's one thing that I have to work really hard on. Not creating crisis. Cheryl grew up relatively sane, so I have a good role model in her. She keeps me steady and on our feet.

This past weekend we installed a new minister into our church. It is a bittersweet issue for me, because my good friend Kathleen is the interm minister at the church now and I cannot tell you how much I will miss her. I know that we will remain friends but it just won't be the same. It was really difficult for me to see the new minister without the cloud of Kathleen hovering. There are so many issues for me and my family and acceptance is one of them. I know that Kathleen accepted our family and since the search committee sent out a copy of my article (you can look through the archives her for it since I am too lazy to post it) to prospective candidates and it's assumed that she is OK with GBLT families in the church. Anyway, I worry, because for me, this church has helped me personally grow spiritually and has shown me that mainstream religion can accept GBLT folks.

Anyway, no crisis today. Good thing eh?

We're staying

I lost my 2nd application for SSD. Came in the mail today. Of course my lawyer didn't care, because it's the first application we care about (the one we are waiting to go back before the judge on) and of course we will appeal this one. They had no records from the ortho MD who put all the hardware in my back.

I am tired. I am done. I don't think many people read this, and if they do, they are damn tired of my whining. Can't even get a home equity loan because of me not working and my high student loans. I told Cheryl to take me off the damn deed because all I seem to do is drag everyone down because I can't work. But I'm not disabled either right....

Fuck it I say, Just fuck it.

To move or not to move...that is the question

Well, Cheryl has been offered a position in a lab in Bellingham WA. We happen to live clear across the country in Upstate NY. I think we are going to go. They are offering her a good pay rate, and the area is beautiful. The clincher is that her current job is only guarantee'd until July.

So, do we take the offer and move across the country for something sure and leave everything behind, or do we stay here and take the chance that she doesn't lose her job and stay here?

If we stay here and she loses her job, then we could lose our house and all that we have built here. She would have to take the first job she can get, and it won't be in NY. So, we could end up anywhere, with any salary. We wouldn't have a choice where we go, whereas in the WA situation, we do.

Cheryl's mother is on board and will come with us. Gillian, while not happy, is on board. But, I would be leaving my whole family behind. Our church, which we hold dear. And my friends. The school, which we know and have worked with for years.

This is the hardest decision ever. When I posted to my Moms's board they were all telling me to GO! Bellingham is beautiful and from what I can tell from the relocation information and what I have found online, it is. There is little snow, but there is also little sun. Moderate temps vs the really cold here. We would be on the ocean and have the mountains behind us. We'd be very close to Vancouver, BC and Seattle, WA.

What's a girl to do. It's a lifetime changing decision.

Cheryl is going to talk to the person recruting her and ask more questions. We are most likely going to take a trip out there to see the area. But, if any of you that read me either live near that area and can offer advice, or if you have been in this situation, please, all advice is greatly appreciated.

Consignment shops?

I had the worse experience yesterday with a local consignment shop (if you live local and want to know which one, e-mail me and I will tell you). I took Katie's Britax Marathon in and the owner told me that she could only get $30 for it! What??? Which meant that I would only get $15. She was so rude, telling me how they just don't sell, people want the cheaper ones, etc. This was after I had called her and she told me that she can't keep them in her store, they sell so fast. So, while I was waiting for Gillian to load it back into the trunk, I looked in her car seat room where she had 2 Marathons, both in the same condition as mine priced at $85. So much for her selling them fast huh? I asked her for the history on them....none. No way to know if they had been in a crash or not.

So, I am glad that I didn't consign and will sell the seat myself. There has to be someone out there that wants a Marathon with a brand new cover?

I just can't get over how rude this woman was!

Happy Birthday Grandpa!

Remember the Grandpa of mine who was really sick and almost died? Well, he turns 83 today! I vividly remember posting from the ICU waiting room at 4AM waiting to hear whether he would live or not and here he is celebrating his birthday! And the best part is that he is going to be eating is OWN cake. Yes, you heard it right! The man that wasn't ever going to be able to eat or drink on his own again is eating and drinking with no problem!

Happy Birthday Grandpa! I am so lucky to have you around for more time!

Life

Is slowly getting better! I still have a lot of pain, especially if I do too much, but it's almost as though I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. When I go back to the pain clinic, I will talk with them about weaning off the pain meds. I have already started backing off the percocet with good results. The one area of pain that I have the worst is the right leg. I suspect there is a nerve being pressed on, because it (the leg) will twitch for no reason and driving makes it go crazy with pain. I have only been driving when absolutely necessary. I can hardly wait for next week when the kids have school break. I already told Gillian that I won't be her personal chauffer for the week, but the first day she will be on me about how bored she is!

I took Katie to the Dentist yesterday and had them check her chipped tooth. The teeth around it looked like they were turning grey (they were just stained), but the x-ray showed some inflamation and they want to do a pulpotomy on the tooth, and then fix the tooth. I made the appt and we will probably do it, but our other option is to wait and see if it abcesses (it's been chipped for 2 years). If that happens then we have to pull the tooth and put in a spacer. The dentist told me that they have great results if we do it before infection. I asked the nurse about pain and she said there would be none. They use nitrous oxcide and then numb. Katie has read the Little Critter books and loves the one about the dentist and when we were driving home she started to cry that she didn't want the medicine to make her mouth numb because then her tongue was going to hang out all day like Little Critter. After I assured her it wouldn't she was fine. Later on I heard her tell Cheryl, "Mommy asked the nurse if I would have any pain and she said no so it's OK. I know Mommy would never tell me a lie." So, if she has any pain I will be seriously pissed at that nurse. Just poking around, but has anyone had any dental issues with their little ones? Any info to pass on my way?

Gillian has been really active in the GBLT and their Allies program at school. She is going to do the Day Of Silence and also going on a field trip to a rally for GBLT rights up at the local university! She is making high honor role (which makes me so relieved we changed her programming). She is gearing up to test for her black belt in June! The next weekend out Prima Donna will be performing in her very first recital, which just happens to be a princess one and she will be Belle! I can't wait. She practices all the time for us and it's priceless!

Ending this week is for me one of the most powerful church experiences. I will be attending the Maundy Thursday services as well as the Good Friday one wrapping it all up in Easter morning. I have been so focused on the religious aspect of church, I forgot all about the Easter Bunny! Thankfully the wife was/is on top of this! My sister is having her annual egg hunt and we are all excited about that.

Well, I guess that catches you all up for now!

Post Op Appt

I had my post op appt today and the MD thinks that the healing is going well. He is telling me to take it easy and I told him I can definately tell when too much is too much. Someday's a visit from a friend is too much and other day's I can do more. I just never know. I am still having a lot of pain which we pretty much figured out that is coming from back spasms. I am trying to sleep a lot which isn't always easy. My MIL is leaving for DC tomorrow and I got scared today wondering what I was going to do without her becacause she is totally my main support, driving me places and taking Katie so I can rest. I told you all before that I don't know what I would do without her and I mean that! Cheryl told me that if I need her to she will take the days off, but I really need to do this. Katie has school this Friday and someone from Church has offered to drive us back and forth and we are still getting meals until Sunday. What a blessing that is.

I just have to get better on not answering the phone and telling people that I am just not up for visits. It's not easty when I get lonly, but I need to rest. Bottom line.

I thought for sure the MD would send me for PT today, but he just looked at me and said that we would talk about PT in another 2 months. That really put into perspective for me just how much healing my body still needs to do and how easy I need to take it. I got to see the screws and rods, cages and mesh that was put in. WOW is all I can say. No wonder I feel so tired all the time. My poor body had a lot of work done to it. A LOT! So, off to rest I am. Thank you all for the wonderful messages of support and love. They are all so appreciated!

This feels bigger than I can take

I haven't wanted to say anything about this, because ignorance is bliss right? But since my surgery, the pain in my right leg has been so bad (mostly in the thigh, sometimes radiating down my leg or up into my hip) that I just want to cry. I have myself convinced that I have just caused myself another problem. If the back problem is somewhat relieved, I now caused another issue with this pain in my leg.

I swear to you people, I am back to my bad spot. Convinced I have a blood clot in my leg although everything I read tells me that isn't it.

I want to give up.

Thank you to all

Well, blogger ate my first post....I want to shout out and Thank Monkey for her most needed phone call today. I was/am feeling down in the dumps and her phone call was just the pick me up I needed. Just knowing that someone clear across the country was thinking of me and took time out of her very busy life for me made my day. Thank you so much Monkey!

And to thank all the people who have sent flowers (Gwendolyn, Mom and lots of friends from church), cards (way too numerous to count) and all of the delicious dinners that we get every other night from church. Thank you so much Barb for arranging dinners for us through APRIL and too all who have made these sustaining dinners. I don't think there are words for me to express my thanks. Yesterday my friend Tracey came and picked up Katie and took her to story time and then back to her house for a play date so I could rest.

And the biggest thank you of all goes to my MIL and Cheryl. She has taken Katie everyday for part of the day so that I can get some rest. I truly don't know what I would do without her. Katie loves her Grandma so much that today she asked if she could move in with us so she could see her everyday!

Cheryl has so much responsibility which she just takes with a grain of salt. I am so lucky to have such a wonderful partner who is always there for me, kids who are patient (well some of the time)and family and friends who really care.

So, if you want to call me, e-mail me for my phone number! I am always home! LOL!

Still alive

And very much in pain although I will say it's less. But the exhaustion. OMG I never thought a person could feel so tired. I promise you all that I will write a nice long update about the operation and the healing process when I can sit for more than 3 minutes. Which is just about how long it took me to write this so see you all later.

Hey All!

Quick post to let you all know that I weathered the surgery and so far haven't had any major problems post op. I am so very sore and is my tendency, I want to rush things and stopped taking one of the meds they prescribed (valium for back spasms) and found it just wasn't time. I have an awesome case mamager through the insurance (who just happpens to be our friend) and she has really gone the extra mile with helping me get things set up to make me more moblie. I want to sleep a lot and if you know me, know how quilty that makes me feel! Last night was the first night I got some real restorative sleep (as did Cheryl)! When I can stand and sit more I will tell you all about the experience, escpcially the first night when all my IV's blew and I got no pain relif for 2.5 hours! And I want to tell you all about my great friend Sue who came up and stayed part of the night with me that first awful night!But for now back to bed!

Something beautiful

Last night I went to church for our Lenten Supper and film series. When I got there, the woman who is in charge of getting our meals to us during my recovery was there and took my MIL aside. The next thing I knew, they asked me to come into the lounge and I was presented with a beautiful hand knitted scarf made for me. It is a prayer shawl and the 20 or so women there draped it around me and then all laid hands on me and prayed for me, the MD doing the surgery and for the surgery in general. I have never been so touched as I was last night. I plan to wear the shawl into the "holding area" where I have to wait for the surgery to start and then wrap myself in it while I am recovering. I feel so blessed.

After we had out meal, we went and watched part of the video series we have been watching called Living The Question. Last night's session was on diversity in the church and they actually had a clip of Phelp's doing his thing. We had a lot of interesting conversation come out of that session and again, I feel so lifted up by my church and their inclusiveness. I know there are some people who are not accepting of me and my family, but they are a small minority and to be honest, I don't know who they are. When I wrote my article for the paper, it was received wonderfully and they actually send it out to prospective ministers (we are in the process of looking for a new minister). It feels good knowing that they are looking for a minister who is inclusive.

When I got home last night, there was a B&N bag on the bed and in it were 2 CD's that Cheryl had picked up for me. One is a beautiful prayer CD by Windham Hill and it's just gorgeous. I haven't listened to the other one yet, but it looks promising. I am going to head back there today to look for something meditational and then I will be all set.

I am going into this surgery knowing that there will be pain, but wanting to practive prayer and meditation to get me through the roughest parts. I want off the drugs and am hopeful that it will happen sooner than later. I know that I can't just stop taking them, that I have to taper, and that is what I plan to do with the help of the pain clinic!

Again, I want to thank you all for your wonderful support. I feel so blessed to be so cared for online and off.

2 more days

Until the big surgery! I am torn between being nervous and scared and all things in between. I am trying to keep busy, wrapping up all the little odds and ends that need wrapping up. Of course if I were a good mother I would have done this already right? LOL!

I still need to get the B&N and try and find a meditational kind of tape that I can listen to while I am in the hospital. I hate all the beeping and noises, they just scare me to be honest. I also am not dumb to know that I am going to be in a lot of pain and if I can just meditate and pray that it might just not be as bad as it could be. I won't be able to concentrate on reading and TV is just noise to me.

I have asked Cheryl to update you all here while I am in the hospital. She is going to be really busy keeping up with the kids and me, so I am going to assume she will just drop a line here letting you all know how the surgery went and ETA home. I honestly don't know when I will be back online and plan to go no mail on a lot of my groups.

You can drop me a line in the hospital. If you go to Crouse Hospital There is a place for you to leave me a note (it's almost all the way down the right side of the page) and they will deliver it. My last name is Knafelc.If you don't know my first name by now, well then.... They also have a function for me to set up a page (which I did) but since I can't update it myself, it seemed senseless to send it out. So, you'll have to get your info from Cheryl.

Thanks for all the support you all have given me! Through email, phone calls and just offerring to sit with me at night (thanks Sue) it all means so very much to me. It's nice to know that so many people are pulling for me.