Nothing much

Going on over here! The snow we were supposed to get came but not all of it. I am so glad for that. Poor Katie has a cold/ear infection in both ears and bronchitis all in one. She is so lethargic today that I took her into the MD. I was glad I did. She even asked while we were there if she could go home and lay down and rest! The MD said "Yep, she's sick". Now she has to miss ballet tonight and she's sad about that, but not too sad because she's too sick to be sad. Her teacher was sick the week before last so that's 2 lessons this month that she's missed. We are still waiting on her make up session! Speaking of ballet, Katie loves it so much. Her little friend Caitlyn from school joined her class and she is so excited. They are doing a princess recital in June and Katie is going to be Belle. We had to put out $50 for the costume, but thankfully they just increased tuition for a couple of months so include that. Between what we pay for Gillian for karate and Katie for ballet...well, let's just say it adds up.

And speaking of karate, Gillian got her high red belt last week. (I think I already mentioned that) and is now starting rotation for her black belt. She should get that in June. It's a gruling cycle and I am sure that she will be tired, but it's so good for her. Since we got her enrolled in karate, she has turned things around (mostly) with her attitude and it feels good. Cheryl took her to the black belt spectacular last Saturday and they had a great time. It's where the school's perform and the new black belts get awarded their belts. I can't believe in June our family will be sitting up front while they call MY daughter's name. I am so proud of her accomplishments. She never lets her ulcerative colitis get in the way and never uses it as an excuse. She is one determined young lady. But then I knew that when after 27 hours of hard labor and 2 hours of pushing and she refused to come out! LOL.

So, there you have it! Not much happening here. Just hanging on with my little one. Although I hate when they are sick I don't miss the cuddling while she doesn't feel good. I miss those days when she wanted to cuddle. Tommorrow is my appt. with the Neurology clinic and I won't have a chance to update until Thursday! Hang in there and talk with you soon!

I hate winter

Winter makes me want to just hibernate. Of course it doesn't help that Katie has had us up for 2 nights because she has been sick. Just a cold, but of course I am so obsessive that I think it's something 10 times worse. And Gillian's colitis has been worse so I am obsessed with her being sick again and ending up in the hospital. My anxiety always gets the best of me when I am tired. And guess who won't take a nap even though they don't feel well? UGH and double UGH. I don't know about the rest of you, but today has me having the creepy crawlies. Like I just want to get out of my skin. I am having second thoughts about the surgery and I know I have to do it. A good friend of mine wrote me a powerful e-mail over the weekend. About how going off the pain meds is going to be really hard. I knew that, but reading brought it home. How much I rely on them and really have since Katie was born. It's going to be really, really hard to give up that dependence I have on them. And not just physically either.

I said before that I was at peace with my decision. Maybe I am changing my mind now. Maybe this isn't the right thing to do? Damn, I hate this. I can't even make a damn decision now. It's going to hurt ya know? Badly. But I need to be out of pain because I really feel that pain is defining how and who I am.

On another note, we are meeting with the neurologist this Wednesday. I can hardly wait.

They made me do it

Blogger made me switch to the Beta version. If I lost anyone I apologize profusely and maybe someday we'll meet again. More to come later

Tag - I'm it

I was tagged by Louisiana Swamp Rat to tell you all 5 deep dark secrets about me (or 5 things you might have not known about me already)

So, here it goes -

1) I hate socks. I can only wear them with shoes and when I get home those are the first things that come off! I can barely even stand to put them on Katie. And I only wear one kind of sock. The gray, GAP mens sock that comes up over the ankle. I know, weird. The issue comes from a bad thing that happened to me, but that I am not ready to tell.

2) I hate my food to touch on my plate. If it does, I just scrape it to it's own spot, but I used to have to ditch the plate and start over.

3)I have been pregnant 3 times, but have 2 children. I had one ectopic pregnancy (that was a boy) back in 1999 and I miss him terribly.

4)I don't really like animals. We have 3 cats that I tolerate, but I really don't like them.

5)I once dated a Marine. I even went to his Marine Corps ball in Niagara Falls, NY and we even slept in the same hotel room, but in separate beds. I came out to him that night and he came out to me.

OK....I tag The Firehouse 5, Faggots on the third floor, Backyard Musings, Artsweet and Journey of A Co-Mom in the Making!

Addiction

OK....I have to admit that I might me addicted to not having money but spending it anyway. I am addicted to buying Hanna Andersson clothes online through e-bay with the rationalizion that I can just get back what I paid for it when I go to resell it. I have always had this issue, not necessarily with Hanna's because when Gillian was little it was OshKosh and Gymboree. I have this thing about my kids looking good when we leave the house. It's a sickness I tell ya. And it gives them the wrong message. Growing up, we never had a lot of money and it has totally effected how I manage money now. I spend it thinking, "Oh, I will have it next pay check" and then I don't. I find that in the past I would hide my spending from Cheryl, but have since vowed that I won't do that anymore. She is the one who get's stuck paying all the bills while I am out spending money we don't have. In all the money I have spent in clothes for the girls, I could have already bought that van already.

So, I am going to try really hard to stop spending money I don't have. Selling on e-bay has been good because then if I turn around and spend more money on clothes, I don't feel so guilty. It's money that I have earned.

Recently someone at church gave me a huge bag of clothes and it was filled with such pretty stuff. I was so appreciative. And other's have given us clothes also. I don't need to buy any thing more for anyone....well except for me and Cheryl. Somehow we always come out with nothing. And I have sent clothes to other people to try and pay back some of what has been given to us.

A funny before I go. Yesterday I bought Gillian a new tank suit on Lands E*d because we are going to one of those indoor water parks at the end of Feb (before my surgery) and she likes to wear long trunks over them. LE was all out and while we were at the mall yesterday Cheryl and Gillian went to Penney's to get some trunks. While we were driving home Gillian reads the tag....invisible naked women will pop up when wet! Hooo HA! Can you imagine if we had not known this before we got the to water park and she went into the water with them on and came out with playboy looking naked woman on her trunks? It would have been funny, but she wouldn't have been able to keep them on. SO, back we go to look for a more appropriate pair. I never even knew they made such a thing! How embarrasing!

Update time

Well, the nerve block I had a week and a half ago didn't work and I really felt it was a sign from God to go ahead and schedule the surgery. So, it's been scheduled. For 3/9/07. I wanted to get through February, get through Katie's birthday and then I will have the spring to recover. I felt that by summer I should be rehab'd enough to enjoy the summer. Maybe even be able to do some of the things that I haven't been able to do in a long time. Like camp and take some hikes. When I am recovered I am going to get serious about excercising once I get the go ahead from the MD. I am still walking 30 min a day, but it is very difficult. I am in so much pain that I have been a walking witch. Hey, I like that....walking witch. But I know that my family doesn't like it and I don't blame them. I have been snipping and snapping at the kids and Cheryl for no good reason. As soon as the words come out of my mouth I regret them. So, I am working on trying to be better about that. Think calming thoughts and just stop myself before the words come out. The other day I yelled at Katie for getting her pants dirty. Imagine that! A 3 year old getting her pants dirty? Poor thing. When I apologized to her later she told me, "Mom, that was 2 hours ago". Obviously she is much better about not holding onto crap than I am!

I have decided ahead of time to not get my panties in a wad about the surgery. I know that I need it and I am going to do it. It's going to hurt, recovery is going to be hard, but I know that I can do it. I just know that I am going to feel so much better than before I went into it. I know it in my heart. I will do everything they say, and I will get my life back. So, you might hear more from me as time goes on, but probably not a whole lot of navel gazing about the surgery. I have lots of planning to get to. Cheryl will take some time off, but I am going to call out the troops to help with Katie's care so that she's not just sitting in front of the TV during my recovery.

Katie's birthday is coming up! How is it that my "baby" is going to be 4!? Already? She is very excited for her Dora party that she is having. Now I just need to keep her calm until the party. And keep the guest list manageable! She keeps adding more and more people to the list! LOL!

I almost forgot to add that I managed to get an appt. at the Upstate MS Clinic on the 31st! I am so thankful to my MD for pulling whatever strings he did to get me in there. I am seeing a NP, but it gets me in the door and that is all that matters as I continue to lurch around like a drunk person!

Well, that is all for today! We are going to settle in for a cuddle and watch Cinderella.

De-lurking week

So....what are you waiting for? De-Lurk already!

The 4AM Blues

Well, as you can see this wasn't written at 4AM, but it could have been since I have been up since then. I woke up for no reason and just laid there and laid there. Then I started to worry about stuff that no sane person worries about. My kids dying, my partner dying, me dying. Cheryl and I met with the surgeon on Monday and he wants to wait to see how this nreve block I had on Wednesday worked. I got 9 days of relief last time and Dr T (Pain center doc) wasn't too impressed. He told me that if I don't get more relief than that and at least some residual pain relief that we'll have to go ahead and schedule the surgery. I am scared of having this surgery. I am sure if you scroll down and read you will see somewhere that I have already whined about this. But it sucks. I literally can't get on the floor with Katie. This morning I promised a trip to the zoo but between my stomach acting up and my back killing me, I am perched on the couch. And the poor dear is asking me she can do for me. Not crying that she can't go to the zoo. God, I feel like such a stinking failure as a mother. I do have to get her to swim lessons at 4 so I will drag myself out for that. Yesterday I was at story time with her and the pain in my back kicked in so badly I just wanted to lay down on the floor and cry. So, we stopped at Grandma's and I took some pain pills and laid down on her couch while she entertained Katie for an hour. Got home and just stayed on the couch. If I am going to feel any relief from this block, I should feel it tomorrow. The pain of the block should wear off by then.

It has been my dream my whole life to be a stay at home mom and I suck at it. I know I am being hard on myself. I know there are plenty if things I can do here and we do them. But I hate breaking promises to my kids. I hate it.

Of course it snowed and with snow and cold comes the winter grouchies. I wish we could move to the carribean. I so could be at home there. They must need a cytotech down there and there are always people who want a good therapist right? Right? LOL

Well, that is the end of the whine for today. So many of you who are SAHM's talk about all the awesome things you do. I applaud you for it. You are my hero's!

Katie at 4....

Here are some pictures of Katie taken the other day!