Fall.....ing

Fall is one of my most favorite months, but it is also the most difficult. There were 2 defining events that happened in Fall, that will forever change my life. When I was 10, my father was killed in an accident where he worked. The day is etched in my memory forever. I remember it being the most beautiful fall day. I went to school as usual and when I came out my mother was there waiting for my sister and I, and she had my step-sister with her. I immediately became suspicious because it was no secret that my mother and step-mother weren't friends. When we got home, the minister from my step father's church was in the kitchen. OK....I really knew something was up. I wish that my life ended there, because when my mother sat me down and told me that my father had had an accident at work, my life fell apart I rushed right through all of Kubler-Ross's stages of grief. I begged my mother to tell me that my father was OK. Was he in the hospital? Please, please tell me he's OK. When my mother took my hands in her's and knelt down in front of me to tell me that my father had died, I was crushed. Then became numb. I remember in full relief the entire wake, funeral and burial. I remember sitting in the folding chair at the funeral not believing that my father was in the casket. In fact, for years after his death, I would occassionaly tell myself that my father really wasn't in the casket, after all he was really hurt in the explosion right? Maybe it wasn't him, but someone else? I know now, it was him, but for a long time I wanted so much to believe it wasn't.

My father was and still is in a lot of ways my world. I loved him more than I had every loved anyone else on this earth. I was Daddy's little girl. I blamed everyone for his death. If my parents hadn't divorced, he'd still be alive, if he and my step-mother hadn't had a fight the night before he died, he would still be alive. I missed him most when my children were born. He would have been such a wonderful Grandfather. I missed him when I had my committment ceremony with Cheryl. I miss him every single year that passes on the anniversary of his death. When the fall comes, I gear up for the sadness that I know will be there. I go and visit his grave and clean it up for the winter. I talk with him and tell him everything that has gone on for the past year. And then, I tell him I love him and say Goodbye.

I know at the beginning of this post I said there were 2 defining events that happened, but writing this has just sucked the energy and emotion out of me. I will write about the other one later.