Friday, October 27, 2006

Trying to be upbeat

But I really suck at it. All week I kept thinking to myself, I'll feel better tomorrow and I'll blog about something good then. Well, it's Friday and I thought I'd better blog and it's going to be about being depressed, so stop reading now if you've had enough of my depressive shit.

There - now warned...I am so tired people. I am waiting to go back to my primary MD to see about this possible MS diagnosis. I had the MRI and I go back next Friday, but really, what the hell? I have so many of the symptoms. Cheryl says maybe they are from the medication. OK...I have been on high powered narcotics for a year now and I am just getting them? Nope, I don't buy it. I just don't want to walk through my life a slurring, stumbling idiot who can't remember words. I feel stupid. Wait, do I have a Master's Degree? Oh yea, I do, but I can't remember what I ate for lunch yesterday?

I am now taking Reglan. I was afraid to take it, but after Monday's barf session and my continuing inability to eat more than a few bites becase I am sick to my stomach (and I don't want to give the illusion that I am actually losing weight) I decided that something had to happen. So, I went to my back MD yesterday and asked about the Fentyl patch since I was thinking that it was the pills wrecking my stomach and he told me it's the narcotics making me sick. If I go on the patch (which he was willing to do) then I would have to take something for the nausea. Better take the Reglan and help the food pass through the stomach more quickly instead of it sitting there making me sick. So, I took one last night and woke up feeling pretty good. No upset stomach. I haven't eaten lunch or dinner yet, so we'll see how it works on a big meal.

I guess I am just depressed. I wish I had some friends that stayed home during the day. Friends that think like I do, other lesbian's with kids my age so we could hang out. My image is sitting on my sofa, drinking whatever we drink and the kids playing, and we are talking. They don't care that my house isn't spick and span because we know each other well enough that we don't care.

Back surgery. My regualar back MD wouldn't go over the results of the discography because he didn't do it. So, I have to wait till 11/21/06 before I know what she found. When we were talking about putting my on the patch, he said that he thought that it would take longer to get my dosage regulated than we had before I would have the surgery. Surgery? So, I am prett sure that is what her reccomendations are.

Crud. So, to all my friends that read me....thanks for hanging in there. You guys are great. I know you all don't respond, but I know you are there.


art-sweet said...

I'm so sorry you're going through all this shit. Please, please, let us know what we can do to help you out.

Anonymous said...

Too bad I don't live closer, we'd hang out, I'm straight so that is if you'd want to hang with me!! ha ha!! I so don't judge others, I accept those for who they are, and so wish every one did that!!!!! I so understand and feel for you. I wish you were feeling better, it sucks to feel bad and be sad all at the same time!! but doesn't it always seem that way!!! Hope you "turn the corner soon"!!!!!