Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Rainy days

You all remember that song Waterfall that Cris Williamson sings oh so beautifully? Starts like, "Sometimes, it takes a rainy day, just to let you know, everythings gonna be alright"? I love that song. And I love that song because for me, rainy days have always been soothing. I guess it's a good think I live in Upstate, NY where we get our fair share of rainy days. So, tonight it's raining. My children are sleeping and my wife is reading the newspaper and all is right with the world. Does this mean I am finally coming out of my funk? I sure hope so. I want to make this post about everything going to be alright.

So, one of the ways that I want to do this is to tell you about the good things in my life. I would like to start with my wife. I love her so very much. Oddly enough, our first date was a Cris Williamson concert. I actually met her through a local web site of women getting together and hanging out. The first time we met was at a breast cancer walk, but I didn't really talk with her then. A few nights later I was on the computer and saw that she was on IM. Now, a weird thing about that is she never IM's. So, I IM'd her and told her that I had an extra ticket to the Cris Williamson concert and asked her if she'd like to go. She said yes, and we planned on it. I remember taking Gillian over to my sister's for the night and then going to Cheryl's apartment. After getting lost, I finally found it, went up and she offered me a glass of water. We sat on her couch and talked and then I drove us to the concert. I was so nervous, my hands were shaking. We sat down and I was just in awe of her...Cheryl that is. I just remember this electricity going through me. We went out afterwards to a gay bar and just talked some more. I finally took her home and we hugged goodbye. I so didn't want to leave. When I got home that night I couldn't sleep. I finally e-mailed her and told her how I felt. She e-mailed me back and we went out on another date that next night with Gillian....we haven't been apart since. She is so strong and so wonderful to me. I can talk with her about things that I have never been able to talk with anyone else about, without feeling judged. Sure, she's human, we've had out moments, but even when things are bad, they are still good. I want to fight fair with her. I never want to hurt her and I make myself be mature. I have never been able to step back and really think about something I want to say before I say it until I met Cheryl. She brings such a calming influence into my life. Something I have always craved and needed but never knew how to achieve until I met her. Every day the one thing I look forward to is her walking through the door. Although I know that I can live without her and would if I had to, I don't want to. She is truly my partner....in life.

My children are another thing in life that I am grateful for. Although they can both give me a run for my money, I can't imagine life without either one of them. It's amazing to me that 2 children who both came from the same womb could be so different. Each one brings me joy in completely different ways. Gillian will always be my lawyer. She's got an arguement and she's sticking with it. While this can make for difficult parenting, she carries this over to her friendships and doesn't let anyone run over her. She knows what she wants and what is right for her and she sticks with it. If her friends do something that isn't right for her, she doesn't do it. And she tells them why it's not a good idea. I don't think she's lost very many friends because of it. They respect her too much. Gillian, being my first child has taught me so much about parenting. What I am doing right, and of course, what I am doing wrong. I will always be grateful to her for giving me the opportunity to get it right with her. Katie, is my peacemaker. She is so gracious. She thinks of other's feelings and is always trying to do the right thing. Yes, she is 3 and with that comes 3 year old behavior, but she gets it a lot of the time. I think learning from Gillian, the fine art of being consistent makes parenting Katie easier in some ways. I know now, why it's so important to be consistent. But, I think the one thing I am grateful for in parenting is knowing that I just have to be good enough and love my children. When I was pregnant with Katie I worried that I wouldn't love her as much as Gillian, but as my friends reassured me that with each subsequent child, your heart grows more and more. It is certainly true. I love my children with all of my heart.

Another thing that I have to be thankful for is the friendships that I have in my life. Both on line and off, friends are one of the dearest things that I have. My friend Judy is always there for me. We have been friends since the 6th grade. We kind of sought each other out....2 somewhat misfits who fit together. She gets me and I get her. She has always been there for me, and I only hope that I can and will be there for her, whenever she needs me.

One last thing that I want to write about feeling grateful or lucky if you will is the chance to live and to learn. I think the past few weeks have been so hard because I have been on the cusp of some lifechanging stuff. I don't know yet that I know all that is to come, but I feel as though I have been being prepared to have some changes in my life. I have aquired many skills in my 38 years, a lot that I don't give myself credit for. I am strong, whether I want to admit it or not. I have strength that comes from the core of my being. I need to remember that and call on it when I need it most. I have resources beyond imagination. I just need to know where to look. I have intelligence that a lot of time I spend convincing myself just isn't there, I need to trust. And I have the love of God. Because no matter what, when push comes to shove, He is always there, whether I know it or not, to catch me and give me a hand back up to where I need to be.

1 comment:

Judy said...

you are the sweetest little ol' thang. And you know I'll always be there for you - even when we're a hundred and living in the Home for Bitchy Old Women.