Thursday, July 27, 2006

Not giving up yet

OK...I am still here. Not that there was anywhere for me to run to and escape from myself anyway. I talked with my MD yesterday and she says that we will appeal and that basically the judge we pulled thinks that women who file for SSD, who have small kids, just want to find a way to subsidize their being able to stay home and not work outside the home. I told her that the judge knew that I was working as many hours as I could. She just told me that he's an ass. So, while we are going to appeal, I am also going to reapply and hope that we draw a different judge. The only bad thing is that if I win with my new application, I don't get any back SSD. But at least I will have SSD right?

My anxiety and depression have gone through the roof. I called around trying to get a psychiatry appointment yesterday but it seems as though most of the private psychiatrist's in my area charge the patient and then give you the papers to file with the insurance to get reimbursed. Well, sorry, we don't have $225 to shell out of pocket. So, I called my primary MD and spoke with him. I assured him that I wasn't suicidal (which I am not) but just crippled with anxiety which then makes me depressed and he gave me a script for Klonopin. I will start that tonight. I already take a mild dose of xanax (which up until last week was working fine) but apparently this is a longer acting anti-anxiety. Then I will go in and see him next week. I told him that I really thought that this was all because of my abrupt entrance into menopause and he tended to agree. I have the worst heart palpatations, especially in the middle of the night. They started a few months ago, and the first 2 times I ended up at the ER. Now I know that they are a symptom of menopause, not that it makes it any better. The depression and anxiety are also a by product I believe, because it seems to hit me worse when I am having continuous hot flashes, which then bring on migranes. The state hospital is also running a new clinic for people who have treatment resistant depression and anxiety. They are sending me the papers to see if I am eligible for their study. Being that I am a therapist by trade, I am feeling very vulnerable in putting my mental health stuff out there. I am supposed to help people with these issues, not be one of them.

I am a mess people. I just want ME back. Not the person I am now. I am miserable, and therefore, making all those around me miserable. I don't want to be like this. If anyone has any suggestions, if you have been there and done that, I am all ears.


Sonya said...

YAY for you for appealing. I'm so glad that you had a good conversation with your MD!

I'm sorry though that they just couldn't have gotten it right on the first go around.

Hang in there. You are great!

mermaidgrrrl said...

I have been through clinical depression with assosciated anxiety, and come out the other side and lived to tell the tale. My stuff may sound a bit hippy-dippy, but it's what's worked for me.
Take large amounts of vitamin B6 (as well as any meds you are on). I still take vitamin B6 daily, even though I do not consider myself currently depressed.
A big problem for me was lack of sleep, but I didn't want to take drugs to sleep better. I bought an electric vaporiser and used lavender and chamomile essential oils in it. Marjoram can be good too, as well as clary sage. When I would wake up freaking out in the middle of the night I would put a couple more drops in the vaporiser and then I would be able to go back to sleep again instead of tossing and turning.
I hope you feel better soon babe. This stuff is hard!

Kerry said...

I am so glad you are going to appeal! I have an anxiety disorder and PTSD. I have certain music and breathing exercises I do when I feel it coming on.I don't try and fight it because it seems to make it worse. I agree B-6 is good my doc at the time I was taking it also suggested Evening Primrose Oil as well. Is there anything you can take to help with hot flashes and the other symptoms? I am sorry you have so much on your plate! You are a gutzy woman and I thank you for sharing what you are going through.

Judy said...

You are so much stronger than you think! Those of us who love you (and believe me, there's lots of us!) are holding you up. Lean on us - we're all human, and will get nowhere in life until we learn that we really DO need others to walk with us through the rough spots.

Laura said...

Oh honey, I wish I had some good suggestions for you. I'm so glad you're appealing and that even if you do have to file again, you won't stop and let yourself get screwed over.

I hope the new meds help a little. Huge hugs!!!!!!!!!