OK...I am still here. Not that there was anywhere for me to run to and escape from myself anyway. I talked with my MD yesterday and she says that we will appeal and that basically the judge we pulled thinks that women who file for SSD, who have small kids, just want to find a way to subsidize their being able to stay home and not work outside the home. I told her that the judge knew that I was working as many hours as I could. She just told me that he's an ass. So, while we are going to appeal, I am also going to reapply and hope that we draw a different judge. The only bad thing is that if I win with my new application, I don't get any back SSD. But at least I will have SSD right?
My anxiety and depression have gone through the roof. I called around trying to get a psychiatry appointment yesterday but it seems as though most of the private psychiatrist's in my area charge the patient and then give you the papers to file with the insurance to get reimbursed. Well, sorry, we don't have $225 to shell out of pocket. So, I called my primary MD and spoke with him. I assured him that I wasn't suicidal (which I am not) but just crippled with anxiety which then makes me depressed and he gave me a script for Klonopin. I will start that tonight. I already take a mild dose of xanax (which up until last week was working fine) but apparently this is a longer acting anti-anxiety. Then I will go in and see him next week. I told him that I really thought that this was all because of my abrupt entrance into menopause and he tended to agree. I have the worst heart palpatations, especially in the middle of the night. They started a few months ago, and the first 2 times I ended up at the ER. Now I know that they are a symptom of menopause, not that it makes it any better. The depression and anxiety are also a by product I believe, because it seems to hit me worse when I am having continuous hot flashes, which then bring on migranes. The state hospital is also running a new clinic for people who have treatment resistant depression and anxiety. They are sending me the papers to see if I am eligible for their study. Being that I am a therapist by trade, I am feeling very vulnerable in putting my mental health stuff out there. I am supposed to help people with these issues, not be one of them.
I am a mess people. I just want ME back. Not the person I am now. I am miserable, and therefore, making all those around me miserable. I don't want to be like this. If anyone has any suggestions, if you have been there and done that, I am all ears.