Thursday, November 30, 2006

Living in the land of the f*cked

Medically anyway. I am done with being nice and not swearing. I am done with watching what I say. If you are offended, then I am sorry, but I am so done with medical shit that I just want to scream.

Cheryl and I met with the neurologist on Tuesday. I had to take 2 days just to settle down from the visit before I could even put word to paper about it. So, do I have MS or don't I? Who the hell knows. The asshole MD (and he was on the highest order of assholes) wants to do 3 more tests before we get a definitive diagnosis. He was cocky (come on, you can move those toes harder) and a real jerk (those are Cheryl's words). After he did my work up where you can see that the left sided weakness is very pronounced, he tells me that he wants me to have a closed MRI of the head and neck with contrast. You might as well bury me and give me a straw to breathe with because that is what a closed MRI feels like to me. He snottily said, "Well, we'll just do another open one" real disgusted like. Goes on to tell me that I need to address my anxiety with my MD as though it were his damn business. When he got to the it's how you deal with it in your head and mind over matter stuff, I lost it. Crying lost it, snot running down my nose and sob lost it. Cheryl just took me in her arms and told him that we would schedule the test (which we never did find out why he wants to do them of what he is looking for) because he beat feet out of that room as fast as he possibly could. Oh wait, first he threw a prescription at me for valium for the MRI.

So, I told Cheryl here's the deal, I will be in charge of this MRI. I will tell them they can put me in for 10 seconds and then pull me out and then I will tell them whether we proceed or not. Someone did tell me that they can sedate me and since I will already have an IV in for the contrast they can just send some happy juice my way.

Anyway, I don't have any answers. Just more damn tests. My poor body feels like it's been put it through the ringer and just keeps getting rung out. That my dear reader, is why medically I feel as though I am living in the land of the fucked.


Monkey said...

when i worked in radiology, meds for sedation had to come from the make sure you ask about that ahead of time, so that it can be ordered...and then a nurse is supposed to administer the meds, not the tech (at least thats how it was)...

hugs to you


Judy said...

Is this a course they take in Med school, Asshole 101? Because I swear, I've met 3 or 4 "specialists" (and, yes, by God, they're "special," alright) who could be the same damned dr you had. It would be nice if they remembered the hippocratic (hypocritic) oath that they've taken.

Anonymous said...

Oh. I was waiting for a post like this one. Welcome to the world of MS. When you find a good Neuro they are awesome but the rest of them really really suck. I hope that you are ok through your tests and if you need Anything, we are only an email away. Good luck. Oh and please tell Cheryl that we are here for her too because this is a tough thing for her as well. Lots of Big Hugs.

Rae said...

i hear ya. we've both had our share of asshole docs. My kansas doc was dubbed "Dr Asshole" by all my friends and family.
Closed MRI's are no fun, i just had one done. Couldn't get the contrast in though. Even nicer to be in closed MRI can't see anything while they are jabbing needles in your arm that just won't take. I'm glad he gave you valium. I recommend ativan too. Your life is sucking right now and I'm sorry. I hear your words and I start having flashbacks. We are supposed to trust/have faith in doctors, and you and I have lost all trust and faith. Its sad.
Hugs to you,

Anonymous said...

You know and people wonder why we get so tired of the medical community, I'm so sorry you have to deal with this crap it's so not freaking fair, been there done that crap, hang in there it's so sucks for you!!! Glad you have wonderful support!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Keep us posted!!!

Anonymous said...

Jumping Jesus ... where do these doctors come from now!? I don't have the same issues with the MRI, but don't they have OPEN MRI in your neck of the woods?

Linda D said...


Email me at

I have had near 15 MRI's in my MS past and can offer you some suggestions that have worked wonders for my clostrophobia of "the tube"...seriously. You do have SOME things within your control with this test and have to demand them, but being taken in and out every 10 seconds is not one them because the way the machine produces the images. I'd like to offer you some support if you feel up to it, but if not, I certainly understand.

Your condition just sucks and I'm so some cheap dishes or a dozen eggs and break the hell out of 'em for starters...get it out girl!

Linda D. in Seattle

Gandksmom said...

mdm - yes, we do have open MRI's and that is what I had first. He wants me to have a closed MRI of the brain and neck because it's supposed to be a better picture. We'll see. I think he's a sadist!

Marie - Thanks as always for your support. You know it's support like this that gets me through the rough spots.

Rae - I am so sorry this drags up your issues. I know you have been through hell and back and lived to tell about it. THAT is strength and knowing that you did it gives me the comfort of knowing that I can too!

Judy - you know more about asshole MD's than most! Thank you for being there and lettig me cry when I needed too. You are the truest of friends.

Linda d - I e-mailed you! I will be waiting anxiously for your MRI tips!

Monkey! Thank you for your knowledge. It's always best to go in armed! And thanks for being a friend to me when I need it most!

Vivian - Knowing that you were waiting for this post makes me feel human and oh so not alone. It's happened to someone before and they lived to tell it! Thanks for that perspective!

amanda said...

xoxo.... I know we've talked but thought I'd drop a line. Glad we get to chat back and forth about our crappola. Just wondering how I will afford mine!! Ugh... hang in there.. you know where to find me anytime of the day.. hugs to all

mermaidgrrrl said...

Can you ask for some intravenous midazolam? That's what I'd want if I was shit scared for sure. Because it works as an amnesic as well as an anti-anxiolytic then not only would you not feel anxious any more, you probably wouldn't even remember having it done afterwards either! I personally think oral valium is totally overrated as a drug.

Laura said...

WTF is wrong with some doctors? I'm so sorry you had to deal with that bullshit. Is there any other neurologist you could see? I really hope you can get the sedation for the MRI. Hugs!!!!!!!!

Dharma said...

Wendy my dear I am so sorry you are having such negative interactions with the doc. Take the valium, call people, ask for intravenous -all of it. Just find a way to get through the test. You got through that last horrible painful one, you can do this - with support. I would be willing to work with you over the phone to talk about things, work on imagery - whatever you want. I just can't fly there {g}.

j said...

Just came across your post and I'm not sure of all your medical issues, but look at this "NONDIAGNOSIS" as a God send. Get your life insurance doubled and increase your disability insurance. After your diagnosis, it will be almost impossible.
Sorry to look at the bright side, but that's just me.
Good luck. Ask if you can bring in an ipod or your own music. When I'm in the tube I like to think of songs that I love to get me through it.

Anonymous said...

You have every right to be angry. I am sure there are good reasons for wanting to run these tests but he should have sat down and explained it to you. He should have answered any questions you had. I think it is time to look for a MS Specialist.

Drop me an email and we should talk. I used to work in the medical field and have a lot of resources still. I would not put up with that (and have not....have you seen how I was treated, I went straight to the board of the don't need to do anything that drastic at this point...just get another opinion). I can help you find another doctor, someone who specializes if you would like. If not I understand.

As bad as it is...just know you are not alone. Take care of yourself.

Anonymous said...

How frustrating! When I was a neuro nurse, one of our doctors was referred to as Dr. G-D, because he truly seemed to think that is what he was - argh! I hope that they give you some sedation, and that the test goes well. You have quite enough to deal with without his rotten attitude.

Enlightenment said...

Yes, this is one f***ed-up country. I apologize that this is off-topic, however it is of paramount importance so please bear with me.

One thing that struck me as odd in the days after 9/11 was Bush saying "We will not tolerate conspiracy theories [regarding 9/11]". Sure enough there have been some wacky conspiracy theories surrounding the events of that day. The most far-fetched and patently ridiculous one that I've ever heard goes like this: Nineteen hijackers who claimed to be devout Muslims but yet were so un-Muslim as to be getting drunk all the time, doing cocaine and frequenting strip clubs decided to hijack four airliners and fly them into buildings in the northeastern U.S., the area of the country that is the most thick with fighter bases. After leaving a Koran on a barstool at a strip bar after getting shitfaced drunk on the night before, then writing a suicide note/inspirational letter that sounded like it was written by someone with next to no knowledge of Islam, they went to bed and got up the next morning hung over and carried out their devious plan. Nevermind the fact that of the four "pilots" among them there was not a one that could handle a Cessna or a Piper Cub let alone fly a jumbo jet, and the one assigned the most difficult task of all, Hani Hanjour, was so laughably incompetent that he was the worst fake "pilot" of the bunch, with someone who was there when he was attempting to fly a small airplane saying that Hanjour was so clumsy that he was unsure if he had driven a car before. Nevermind the fact that they received very rudimentary flight training at Pensacola Naval Air Station, making them more likely to have been C.I.A. assets than Islamic fundamentalist terrorists. So on to the airports after Mohammed Atta supposedly leaves two rental cars at two impossibly far-removed locations. So they hijack all four airliners and at this time passengers on United 93 start making a bunch of cell phone calls from 35,000 feet in the air to tell people what was going on. Nevermind the fact that cell phones wouldn't work very well above 4,000 feet, and wouldn't work at ALL above 8,000 feet. But the conspiracy theorists won't let that fact get in the way of a good fantasy. That is one of the little things you "aren't supposed to think about". Nevermind that one of the callers called his mom and said his first and last name ("Hi mom, this is Mark Bingham"), more like he was reading from a list than calling his own mom. Anyway, when these airliners each deviated from their flight plan and didn't respond to ground control, NORAD would any other time have followed standard operating procedure (and did NOT have to be told by F.A.A. that there were hijackings because they were watching the same events unfold on their own radar) which means fighter jets would be scrambled from the nearest base where they were available on standby within a few minutes, just like every other time when airliners stray off course. But of course on 9/11 this didn't happen, not even close. Somehow these "hijackers" must have used magical powers to cause NORAD to stand down, as ridiculous as this sounds because total inaction from the most high-tech and professional Air Force in the world would be necessary to carry out their tasks. So on the most important day in its history the Air Force was totally worthless. Then they had to make one of the airliners look like a smaller plane, because unknown to them the Naudet brothers had a videocamera to capture the only known footage of the North Tower crash, and this footage shows something that doesn't look like a jumbo jet, but didn't have to bother with the South Tower jet disguising itself because that was the one we were "supposed to see". Anyway, as for the Pentagon they had to have Hani Hanjour fly his airliner like it was a fighter plane, making a high G-force corkscrew turn that no real airliner can do, in making its descent to strike the Pentagon. But these "hijackers" wanted to make sure Rumsfeld survived so they went out of their way to hit the farthest point in the building from where Rumsfeld and the top brass are located. And this worked out rather well for the military personnel in the Pentagon, since the side that was hit was the part that was under renovation at the time with few military personnel present compared to construction workers. Still more fortuitous for the Pentagon, the side that was hit had just before 9/11 been structurally reinforced to prevent a large fire there from spreading elsewhere in the building. Awful nice of them to pick that part to hit, huh? Then the airliner vaporized itself into nothing but tiny unidentifiable pieces most no bigger than a fist, unlike the crash of a real airliner when you will be able to see at least some identifiable parts, like crumpled wings, broken tail section etc. Why, Hani Hanjour the terrible pilot flew that airliner so good that even though he hit the Pentagon on the ground floor the engines didn't even drag the ground!! Imagine that!! Though the airliner vaporized itself on impact it only made a tiny 16 foot hole in the building. Amazing. Meanwhile, though the planes hitting the Twin Towers caused fires small enough for the firefighters to be heard on their radios saying "We just need 2 hoses and we can knock this fire down" attesting to the small size of it, somehow they must have used magical powers from beyond the grave to make this morph into a raging inferno capable of making the steel on all forty-seven main support columns (not to mention the over 100 smaller support columns) soften and buckle, then all fail at once. Hmmm. Then still more magic was used to make the building totally defy physics as well as common sense in having the uppermost floors pass through the remainder of the building as quickly, meaning as effortlessly, as falling through air, a feat that without magic could only be done with explosives. Then exactly 30 minutes later the North Tower collapses in precisely the same freefall physics-defying manner. Incredible. Not to mention the fact that both collapsed at a uniform rate too, not slowing down, which also defies physics because as the uppermost floors crash into and through each successive floor beneath them they would shed more and more energy each time, thus slowing itself down. Common sense tells you this is not possible without either the hijackers' magical powers or explosives. To emphasize their telekinetic prowess, later in the day they made a third building, WTC # 7, collapse also at freefall rate though no plane or any major debris hit it. Amazing guys these magical hijackers. But we know it had to be "Muslim hijackers" the conspiracy theorist will tell you because (now don't laugh) one of their passports was "found" a couple days later near Ground Zero, miraculously "surviving" the fire that we were told incinerated planes, passengers and black boxes, and also "survived" the collapse of the building it was in. When common sense tells you if that were true then they should start making buildings and airliners out of heavy paper and plastic so as to be "indestructable" like that magic passport. The hijackers even used their magical powers to bring at least seven of their number back to life, to appear at american embassies outraged at being blamed for 9/11!! BBC reported on that and it is still online. Nevertheless, they also used magical powers to make the american government look like it was covering something up in the aftermath of this, what with the hasty removal of the steel debris and having it driven to ports in trucks with GPS locators on them, to be shipped overseas to China and India to be melted down. When common sense again tells you that this is paradoxical in that if the steel was so unimportant that they didn't bother saving some for analysis but so important as to require GPS locators on the trucks with one driver losing his job because he stopped to get lunch. Hmmmm. Further making themselves look guilty, the Bush administration steadfastly refused for over a year to allow a commission to investigate 9/11 to even be formed, only agreeing to it on the conditions that they get to dictate its scope, meaning it was based on the false pretense of the "official story" being true with no other alternatives allowed to be considered, handpicked all its members making sure the ones picked had vested interests in the truth remaining buried, and with Bush and Cheney only "testifying" together, only for an hour, behind closed doors, with their attorneys present and with their "testimonies" not being recorded by tape or even written down in notes. Yes, this whole story smacks of the utmost idiocy and fantastic far-fetched lying, but it is amazingly enough what some people believe. Even now, five years later, the provably false fairy tale of the "nineteen hijackers" is heard repeated again and again, and is accepted without question by so many Americans. Which is itself a testament to the innate psychological cowardice of the American sheeple, i mean people, and their abject willingness to believe something, ANYTHING, no matter how ridiculous in order to avoid facing a scary uncomfortable truth. Time to wake up America.

Debunking Popular Mechanics lies:
someone else debunking Popular Mechanics crap:
still more debunking Popular Mechanics:
and still more debunking of Popular Mechanics:

Popular Mechanics staff replaced just before laughable “debunking” article written:
another neo-con 9/11 hit piece explodes, is retracted:
Professor Steven Jones debunks the N.I.S.T. “report” as well as the F.E.M.A. one and the 9/11 commission "report":
N.I.S.T. scientist interviewed:
F.B.I. says no hard evidence linking Osama bin Laden to 9/11 which is why his wanted poster says nothing about 9/11:
Fire Engineering magazine says important questions about the Twin Tower “collapses” still need to be addressed:

Twin Towers’ construction certifiers say they should have easily withstood it:
USA Today interview with the last man out of the South Tower, pursued by a fireball:
Janitor who heard explosions and escaped has testimony ignored by 9/11 whitewash commission:
Janitor starts speaking out about it and his apartment is burglarized, laptop stolen:
Firefighters tell of multiple explosions:
Eyewitnesses tell of explosions:
Interview with another firefighter telling of explosions:
Firefighter saw “sparkles” (strobe lights on detonators?) before “collapse”:
Other eyewitnesses talk of seeing/hearing explosions:
Surviving eyewitnesses talk of multiple explosions there:
Cutter charge explosions clearly visible:
The pyroclastic cloud (that dust cloud that a second before was concrete) and how it wouldn’t be possible without explosives:
Detailed description of the demolition of the Twin Towers:
Freefall rate of “collapses” math:
More about their freefall rate “collapses”:
Video footage of the controlled demolition of the Twin Towers:
Video footage of the controlled demolition of WTC # 7 building:
More of WTC # 7 controlled demolition:
Naudet brothers' video footage of the North Tower crash:
Photos of the Pentagon’s lawn (look at these and see if you can tell me with a straight face that a jumbo jet crashed there):!.htm
More photos of this amazing lawn at the Pentagon:!%20(9-11).htm
Very unconvincing fake “Osama” “confession” tape:
More about the fake “Osama” tape:
Fake “Mohammed Atta” “suicide” letter:
Commercial pilots disagree with “official” 9/11 myth:
More commercial jet pilots say “official” myth is impossible:
Impossibility of cell phone calls from United 93:
More about the impossible cell phone calls:
Experiment proves cell phone calls were NOT possible from anywhere near the altitude the “official” myth has them at:
Fake Barbara Olson phone call:
Where the hell was the Air Force?
More about the Air Force impotence question:
Sept. 10th 2001, Pentagon announces it is “missing” $2.3 trillion (now why do you think they picked THAT day to announce it? So it could be buried the next day by 9/11 news):
Unocal pipeline-through-Afghanistan plan:
Unocal pipeline-through-Afghanistan plan mentioned:
More on Unocal Afghan pipeline:
The attack on Afghanistan was planned in the summer of 2001, months before 9/11:
Pentagon deliberately misled 9/11 Commission:
Evidence destruction by authorities and cover-up:
9/11 whitewash Commission and NORAD day:
The incredible fish tales of the 9/11 Commission examined:
Jeb Bush declares state of emergency 4 days before 9/11 for Florida, saying it will help respond to terrorism:
Steel debris removal from Ground Zero, destruction of evidence:
Over two hundred incriminating bits of 9/11 evidence shown in the mainstream media:
Tracking the “hijackers”:
“Hijacker” patsies:
“Hijackers” receiving flight training at Pensacola Naval Air Station:
Several accused "hijackers" still alive and well, wondering why they are accused:
Yet the F.B.I. insists that the people it claims were the "hijackers" really were the "hijackers":
No Arabs on Flight 77:
Thirty experts say “official” 9/11 myth impossible:
“Al Qaeda” website tracks back to Maryland:
Al Qaeda videos uploaded from U.S. government website:
Operation: Northwoods, a plan for a false-flag “terror” attack to be blamed on Castro to use it as a pretext for America to invade Cuba, thankfully not approved by Kennedy back in 1962 but was approved by the Joint Chiefs of Staff and sent to his desk: