Wednesday, January 02, 2008

Starting New Years with a BANG!

I don't really talk much here about stuff going on at home, but I am just so tired of it all. I really am. Yesterday starts with Gillian (15) telling me all the ways that I have failed as a parent, how she hates living here and could she please go and live somewhere else. There is a run away shelter, but I would hate for her to go there. And I don't want to take her there, because I feel as though the message she would be getting from me is that I don't want her here. Which is not true. I love her, but her actions and attitude are really out of control. She told me yesterday that she hates her sister, which I have pretty much known since she was born.

I feel as though I am at the bottom of this big hole. I feel like everyone in my family is making me choose between each other. I feel as though it would just be better if I left. But of course I can't do that. I have to stay. Because responsible people just don't leave their families. And I do love them. All of them. But I am so tired. So tired of dealing with it. Tired of dealing with kids who think they know everything, tired of fighting with my partner over everything. It feels like all of the joy in my life has gone away. This hole I am in is BIG and I don't see a ladder, rope or anything else to help me climb out of it. I feel stuck. I am mad. I am sad. I am just a big puddle of angrysadmad feelings and I don't know what to do with them.

Yes, we are all in couseling. I am working on issues. But I don't think it's enough and I don't think we have enough time before a big implosion happens.

I guess it's good I got out of bed today. Because I have to be responsible right? I hate responsible. I wish I could just lay in bed all day and cry and not be responsible. But I can't do that can I? Darn.

UPDATE: I have decided to start a blog dealing with my depression. I want to keep this one about my family and the good things in life. If you are interested in reading about my journey through depression, let me know and I will give you the link.

8 comments:

mdmhvonpa said...

Hope things get better. Take a peek here: http://www.deborahgray.org/

Judy said...

I keep telling you to move in with me.....

Archaic Dome said...

Wow, Wendy. Thanks for visiting my blog- maybe you should read more of it. :) We have huge family problems, too, and they've been going on for 25 years. The best I can say is keep on truckin. Our troubles have finally started to sort of work themselves out (I had to be the scapegoat, but if that's what it took to get everyone on the road to healing it was fine with me). Chin up, hang on to whatever faith you claim, and be strong. We're all in this together.

Kerry said...

Wendy I gotta tell you 15 is the toughest age for teen girls in my opinion. My daughter is a year old than Gillian and is now 16. There were many many times that I wanted to throttle her when she was 15.

Depression isn't easy as you well know. I went undiagnosed for almost 20 years until I finally was diagnosed with PTSD, anxiety and depression. It got so bad that for a couple of months I was very close to being agoraphobic.It took over 2 years of counseling but I am finally better. Am I cured? No but I have the coping skills now to help with the PTSD and counseling.

I know it doesn't seem sunny now but there are some blue skies and sun around. They will get brighter and better as you do.

Kerry

rae said...

*hugs*
i'd love your new blog addy.
i'm pregnant with my miracle baby and realizing i'm still not happy. i kept waiting to get pregnant so i'd be happy. guess what? i'm not.
i start counseling tomorrow. shrink on saturday.
depression hurts.
rae

Holly said...

I know depression.
And 15 year old girls are flippin' difficult to begin with.
I am more than willing to join/help/participate in your journey as well.
Hang in there.
Holly

Jaime said...

I'm sorry to hear of your depression. I hope that you get to feeling better and that 2008 brings you much happiness.

Take care,
Jaime

Casey said...

{{{hugs}}}

Please let me know about the new blog.