I don't really talk much here about stuff going on at home, but I am just so tired of it all. I really am. Yesterday starts with Gillian (15) telling me all the ways that I have failed as a parent, how she hates living here and could she please go and live somewhere else. There is a run away shelter, but I would hate for her to go there. And I don't want to take her there, because I feel as though the message she would be getting from me is that I don't want her here. Which is not true. I love her, but her actions and attitude are really out of control. She told me yesterday that she hates her sister, which I have pretty much known since she was born.
I feel as though I am at the bottom of this big hole. I feel like everyone in my family is making me choose between each other. I feel as though it would just be better if I left. But of course I can't do that. I have to stay. Because responsible people just don't leave their families. And I do love them. All of them. But I am so tired. So tired of dealing with it. Tired of dealing with kids who think they know everything, tired of fighting with my partner over everything. It feels like all of the joy in my life has gone away. This hole I am in is BIG and I don't see a ladder, rope or anything else to help me climb out of it. I feel stuck. I am mad. I am sad. I am just a big puddle of angrysadmad feelings and I don't know what to do with them.
Yes, we are all in couseling. I am working on issues. But I don't think it's enough and I don't think we have enough time before a big implosion happens.
I guess it's good I got out of bed today. Because I have to be responsible right? I hate responsible. I wish I could just lay in bed all day and cry and not be responsible. But I can't do that can I? Darn.
UPDATE: I have decided to start a blog dealing with my depression. I want to keep this one about my family and the good things in life. If you are interested in reading about my journey through depression, let me know and I will give you the link.