Shopping again

So, you might all be curious as to wear I am in my shopping expedition! I still love Hanna, but I have totally falled in love with Mini Boden! I bought the brown cords with the big pink polka dots to go with the peace and love shirt along with the brown shirt with the pink polka dot dog shirt! There are so many more that I want. And now that Boden has a great new referral program, I can refer people AND get some money to do it! I am loving that, especially since Katie decided that she wanted the Rainbow shirt and I have to figure out what to put with it!

We leave soon to travel down to the shopping mecca known as Woodbury Commons so that I can check out Oilily and hopefully find some good deals there. I am also interested in Off Saks Fifth Ave to see if they have any Lilly Pulitzer for ME! I am in need of a cute summer dress since I have lost all this weight....wait, what's that? I lost weight? You betcha! 20+ pounds and counting! Time to treat me to some new and funky clothes.

So, if you head over to Boden, you have to check out the boys, Holey Cow shirt. Cheryl says NO WAY! And I think it's WAY CUTE! You tell me what you think won't ya? If Cheryl wins then the shirt remains unbought, if I win, the it's going in the basket!

I really do love em.....

But my kids are driving me crazy today. Daughter number one thinks that I exsist to be her personal taxi driver and when I don't jump right up and drive her where she desperately needs to go, then I am a bad mother. ARGH! Today while I was driving her to karate, she had the audacity to sit in the car and tell me what a bad mother I was. She actually told me I had no pride! To which I said "You are absolutely right". "As your mother, I let you talk to me like a piece of crap on the street which shows you that I have no pride in myself". Things are going to be changing around here post haste. By letting her talk to me that way and not holding her accountable, she thinks that I have no pride in myself. So, look for some posts of me begging for support as I go through this tough time with daughter number one. She is going to be having a lot of consequences for her behavior, in fact this has already started. I would never let any adult talk to me this way, why on earth would I let a 15 year old?

And as far as daughter #2, whine, whine, whine! I can't stand the whine anymore. I told her the other day that my ears don't hear whine and that seems to help, but OMG do I just want to put ear plugs in or what? I took her to see the free movies today and we watched Nanny McPhee which I thought was really great. I think it was way over her head, but she insisted. It was either that or Curious George again and I didn't think I could take that again this week. I really wanted to see Flushed Away, but well, it's not about me is it? LOL!

And Cheryl continues to toil away at her job. I appreciate her working so that we can have all the things that most people take for granted. Our Hanna order arrived today and there was the cutest pink dot dress w/the opposite striped leggings and 4 out of 5 tights that we need for winter. Daughter number 2 should be all set.

One more shout out. I purchased my first Oilily from Little Luna Blue and was really disappointed. After talking with Anna, the owner, I am returning this one and she is sending me another one that she thinks I will like better. Wonderful customer service and cute, cute clothes. Visit her sometime would ya? And tell her I sent ya!

Lazy, Hazy Summer days

Sorry, so sorry to make some of you worry. It's that dang medication that I was taking! Topamax for those of you who don't ever want to sink into the doldrums of depression! Other than losing weight, it is a HORRID drug. They actually call it DOPAMAX for short. Makes you forget what you want to say, hard word recall, etc. Just awful. When I saw the pain managment nurse on Friday and told her how depressed I was, she told me to go off of it and that I was sensitive to it. You think? Geesh!

Anyway, things are well with the family. I am looking forward to a trip down to a great outlet mall. Woodbury Commons has such great stores and I can't wait to shop! I am especially excited to go and just check out Dolce and Gabbana, Coach, Neiman Marcus Last Call, Off 5th Saks Fifth Avenue, Burberry and Juicy Couture. But I can't wait to buy something at Oilily for Katie! I did buy her one shirt online and was so disappointed, but I know that they have such cute stuff at the store and I can hardly wait to get down there. We did some ordering from Hanna for Katie. Got her a new play all day dress for the winter, a dot one this time and tights to go with all her dresses. I must have picked up 7 or 8 dresses over the summer for her.

But what I am really excited about is that I am going to learn to sew! MIL is going to teach me when Katie starts back to school in the fall. I have joined a new group on e-bay where I am just amazed at the talent these women have! Someday it is my dream to be able to sew like them. I have already picked up one modeling job for Katie for someone who does custom work and hope to get some more for her. I really want to learn how to do some of those really fancy sets that they are selling! I love the ones with the appliques! If you ever get a chace to check it out, go to ebay and search for custome boutiqe clothes and just be amazed at the talent that is out there in this world.

I promise that I am back now. The depression is lifted. Now that I am off that dasterdly med, it is much better. Thanks for all of you checking in on me! Look for more posts and in the fall, start looking for some sewing!

Belle of the Ball

Here is the Belle of the Ball!



Katie was Belle in her very first recital. The whole recital was so cute and I just got the professional pictures back! Isn't my little ballerina cute? I think so too!

Long Week

What a week it's been! Let's start with Katie's ballet recital. It was over the top, ADORABLE! OMG! She had 2 small parts and then her class did a princess part in which she played Belle. It was cute too cute. During the Cinderella part, she was a mouse and a very cute one too. And then she lost it. Because she didn't get to throw some clothes out of the trunk. So, off stage she comes in tears and I have to get her calmed down so that she can go back on to dance her Princess Dance. She pulled it off and it was so cute that I just cried. There will be pictures when we get them. We had to order them along with a DVD of the show and I am itching to get them already! The poor little thing was so anxious that I found myself teaching her some anxiety relieving techniques the 2 nights before the show! Let's just say she's following in my footsteps which isn't necessarily a good thing. This past week was also the last week of school for both girls. Come Monday, keeping them busy should be a challenge. I do have Katie signed up for a small summer program and we do have a zoo pass, so it looks like we will be hitting the zoo, beach and parks a lot this summer. I think I will also have to think up some cool arts and crafts to do too. Everything around here costs money, which as most of you know is in short supply! We also go to the library a lot and summer story time should be starting up again soon. Katie loves her story time!

Gillian wants to be with her friends all the time which I think is normal. She also wants to be very independent and not tell me where she is which doesn't fly in this house. She will be very busy this summer. Unfortunately the courses she could take for electives for summer school were already taken during the school year so no summer school for her. We are talking about her getting a summer job, but at 14, other than babysitting, there isn't much of a market for her. She has to train for her black belt and really get her run time down. They have to run an 8 minute mile and so far the closest she has gotten is 16:20. And that was being pulled and pushed most of the way. So, I will be taking her different places to run this summer.

Cheryl has one week off this summer and we are undecided about what to do. Of course we were hoping that SSD would come through, but we are still waiting for our date with the judge so I am not holding my breath on that one. At any rate, the money won't be here this summer. And I have lots of little projects that need to be done. Our room needs painting. I can't do that, but I can pick out the paint. As we've had the money, we've been buying the bedding and curtains to go with it to decorate out room. We have everything now and just need to paint and do the floor. We would love to put down hardwoods like we did in the kitchen and family room and might even have enough left over to do it, but neither of us know how to and can't afford to have it done. We are going with white walls since the bedding is colonial blue on white. When it's all done it's going to look beautiful! I don't think we'll take a vacation, because we really need that van. Hopefully, we'll be able to get that this summer too.

Well, how's that for an update. I have been feeling much less depressed. I am thinking that the transition from summer to school is going to be shaky when Katie goes to pre-K 4 days a week for a half day but maybe then I will start e-baying again full force. Last time I really got burned not doing it the right way and learned a lot about when to list, what to list and how to list so this time it might just work. I have been taking my "allowance" and garage saling to beef up inventory this summer. Just today I found a 1970's Fisher Price ramp/garage in mint condition. And maybe I will start to get back into scrapbooking. I have all the stuff and will finally have some time to do it! Bye for now!

Summer Time

I don't know whether to like summer or loathe it. I like the school year because of the structure it provides. I like the summer because of the downtime that it gives us. But, and here is the big but, I have 2 children at 2 different end of the age spectrum with different needs...4 and almost 15. The 15 year old wants to go here, there and everywhere whilst the 4 year old is pretty content to just stay home and play in her pool and on her swingset. So, we will have to work something out. Today Grandma came and got Katie and played with her while I got some much needed and wanted time alone with Gillian. 15 is such a hard age and not an age that I would want to go back to in a million years. How does a parent let go of their child, while still managing to give them the boundaries they need to stay healthy and safe? I think it's the age old question! It's one that I think we will have to struggle through this summer. I have already let Gillian have some more independence than she did last summer and I have to sit with my own anxiety. It's not her anxiety. It's MINE! I have to own it. And she will have to step up to the plate and show us that she can be responsible.

Katie has her recital tomorrow night and is very excited (as are we)! She has been practicing for months for this and I can hardly wait to see it. We have practice tonight and then tomorrow is the real deal! She is napping now, because she was up late last night, and will be up late tonight and tomorrow. Poor thing!

Anyway, back to the summer. I do have Katie signed up for a summer program, but we aren't taking any vacations, which is something that I really look forward to to break up my summer. I guess I will just have to look for something else to help me get through. And as the summer goes through towards the end, start looking for posts regarding Katie getting on the Pre-K bus in Sept. Yes, that's right! She gets to take the bus to school! It's going to be a BIG step for all of us. And what will happen to Mommy? Well, that is the question of the year! I have to ponder that some more! What would you do?

Forging ahead

I am still forging ahead. Still here. I called the MD today and we are reducing the Topamax to 25mgs to see if the depression lessens. Today I felt it really, really badly. I have been having mood swings and just really, really anxious. I don't want my kids remembering me this way. The other day Katie said, "We sure do have a lot of rules around here" I want my kids to remember having fun with their mother, not having rules and me always being "on" them all the time. I want to relax and enjoy my kids and partner and LIFE. I am so tired of being afraid that something bad is going to happen that I am missing all the good things that ARE happening. I pray to God every day that He will help me slow down, but I do think that this is medicinal in nature. I haven't ever been the most of relaxed of people, but I have never been this depressed and anxious. I need to get off all of the medication. ALL OF IT. I have no delusions of granduer that withdrawl will be a picnic. I have been on them too long for it to be. But, I think with the right management and some hard work on my part, I can get through it. It will be a long and slow process. But, I need ME back. I need all of ME back. Not these mind altering drugs that make me someone who I am not. Any words of encouragement that you have to offer would be greatly appreciated. I am so scared, but hopeful at the same time. I just want ME back. That's all. I know I can do it. I just know I can!

Needing to find myself

I feel as though I am wandering around and around. It's this weird thing and I can't quite explain it. The whole retail and needing to buy stuff is wrapped up in it. I can't get enough of buying stuff and as I stated before it can't just be anything. It has to be name brand stuff. I need to get over it already. I stopped working. I think I might go crazy. It's the start of the summer. Who in their right mind stops working at the start of the summer? Gillian has already started in on me being her personal taxi service and I am not going to go there with her! UGH! I am tired of being tired, depressed and just plain sad. I need to get away. Maybe get up to camp and get away from this house and be where nature is. A change of scenery. No computer. No more e-bay! Now there is something to think about. Some books, some peace and quiet and some fun.

Katie starts pre-K next year and I have no idea what I am going to do when she gets on that bus. I know I said the same thing this year. I will find something! Gillian will be back in school. Maybe then I can get the house clean, one room at a time and a big load will be off my shoulder? See how scattered I am? This is what it's like living in my mind.

Now I need to rest!

Losing Cindy

I am so sad all the time. I feel like I lost my best friend. In a way I have. One of my best friends has had a stroke. My friend Cindy had a heart Valve replaced a couple of weeks ago and then had a stroke. She can't remember most things and can't talk. It's one of the most horrible things I have ever had to witness. Yesterday I came home from dropping Katie off from school and was scrolling through the old messages and there was one from her. I just dropped and cried. I miss her old self already. I took Katie over to her grandmothers and went up to the hospital later on and said, "You're pissed aren't you?" She said "yup". I told her that I was in it for the long haul and that I wasn't leaving until she got up out of that bed on her own and told her "Don't make me kick your butt out of that bed!" Now in the past she would have said, "You and what army?" I am waiting for that day. When she asks me that question, then I will know that I have my old friend back. I miss her so much already. She smiled when I said that and I leaned in real close and told her that I knew that she wanted to say that. She will say that. I know she will.

Call your friends. Put down the mouse and pick up the phone and call them. You never, ever know if it's the last time you will be able to talk to them. Take it from me. And if you pray, please pray that Cindy gets all of her functions back. It's going to be a long, hard road. And these roads usually show you who your friends are. I hope you never, ever have to test your friendship this way.

What are you doing? I told you....go get that phone and call your friend....NOW.

For The Beauty Of The Earth

And The Glory Of The GLory Of The Skies

Whenever our Iris's come out, they remind me of this hymn....aren't they just gorgeous. And when I am down, and when I think that there isn't anything in life to be grateful for, all I have to do is look outside my window and look at the blessing that God has bestowed upon our world....






I took these picutes today because the Iris's were just so beautiful and I just wanted to share them all with you! Enjoy!

Baptism

Gillian was baptised and confirmed today. (Pictures to follow). It was one of the best days of my life. Gillian chose to be baptised by immersion and what a thrill it was to see. First of all, I was so happy that our interm pastor and good friend Rev. Dr. Kathleen Waters baptised Gillian. She baptised both of our girls! It was so thrilling to see Gillian enter the water and be submerged! Then be blessed by Kathleen! After a quick change, she joined her friends and was confirmed and now belongs to our church. The whole service was moving and emotional. Cheryl and I stood up as her parents and were presented with her candle, baptismal certificate and her engraved shell along with the parents of the 2 other teens who were baptised. Accepted just as we always are. It really was a day. An emotional, wonderful and beautiful day. Look for pictures tomorrow after I DL them!

OK, I admit it.....

I am completely and totally addicted to Hanna Andersson clothes for Katie. Well, if they would fit me I would buy them for me too. If you have never receieved their catalog, then go here Hanna Andersson and you will fall in love with the clothes too. I especially love the play all day dresses and have grown a respectable collection through selling old clothes on e-bay and buying used ones! And then I found a friend who goes to the outlet store in Kittery ME. She brought me back $300 worth of clothes for a fraction of that! And they were cute, cute, cute things. There was even a play all day dress in there. Last time she came back with 2 pairs of pants. 1 leggings that I am still trying to find a match for and a pair of capri's that I have matched with not only a souvenir dress, but a play all day dress (that I scored for $2.25 on e-bay). Now, I am starting to branch out into the other cute clothes area's. I won my first Oilily today for a steal (note to self, shop on Saturday PM when no one else in on the computer) and am waiting to see if I won a Zoodles outfit. And I am able to do all this on my earnings from selling on e-bay and finding really good deals. I also find that setting a price and walking away from the computer and not engaging in bidding wars is best practice too.

I do think this "retail therapy" is because of 2 things. 1 is that I never had nice stuff growing up. I had one pair of pants that I bought myself and then my sister and I wore my mother's shirts. It wasn't until I was in college and able to make money that I bought myself stuff. But do I buy myself nice stuff now? Nope. Just the kids. And mainly just Katie cause Gillian wants to shop herself. She is 14 afterall. Anyway, the 2nd reason that I think I like to shop (and get really good deals) is because it helps me justify spending. Like the other day. I bought my mother a really nice sweater for Mother's Day. Got home and realized someone had put a size 14 kids sweater in the women's section. After a little research on e-bay, I realized that I might be able to make some money off this sweater. And I did. To the tune of $16! I am going to garge sales and thrift shops looking for deals to sell. Take the right picture, price it right and voila! A sale.

So, Hanna, I hope you enjoy this as much as I do. And Katie...you look as cute as a bug in a rug! I will post pictures as I take them to share with you. And entice you into going and buying some of these cute clothes yourselves. And if you have a problem with sizing...just ask me! LOL! Oh, and if you have some outgrown clothes, well you know who to call....JK!

Look out tomorrow for a post and hopefully some pictures from Gillian's baptism and confirmation. She is being baptised by immersion and then confirmed. I am very excited! It's a big day in my family.

Another day

So, last night I was lying there awake thinking, "You know, it's about time I write a post about the good things that are happening in my life" Then this morning came and it was the same damn thing. Why can't I stop being depressed? I have 2 wonderful children and a partner that would walk on water for me. But I can't escape it. I have great friends who have gone above and beyond, yet, I can't escape it. Yes, I know. I need to go to counseling. I am a counselor, so I know that. We don't have the money.

I HATE LIVING WITH NO MONEY AND I HATE THAT I CAN'T WORK TO ADD MONEY TO THE HOUSEHOLD AND I HATE THAT MONEY HAS SUCH A HOLD OVER ME.

Whew, that felt good. I don't know how to live without my own money. I have always taken care of myself and for a while Gillian too, since I was 16. Now I can't. I am trying to sell on e-bay, but it is so hard. If you sell, then you know how hard it is.

But mostly, I am mourining the loss of my ability to take care of myself financially. I am pissed off at the social security system who continues to make me PROVE that I am disabled. How much more proof do they need? I just wish that I could read their minds so that I could give them what they need. And all this waiting....we need the money NOW! We have been waiting for 5 years and I am TIRED.

Lest you think that Cheryl lives high on the hog while the rest of us suffer...no way. She is the one who always goes without. Right now we are saving for a van. What will she get? My old car. Nothing new for her. I hate that she is always last. I hate that I am always last. I hate that someone has to be last.

And vacations? When is the last time you took one? Well, unless we go to my Grandparents camp, we don't get one. Oh yeah, we went to Cancun 2 years ago, but MIL paid for that...and I paid for it physically.

I am really sorry guys. You have all been there for me. But I need somewhere to get this all out. I hate not having my own money to spend. Cheryl will give me whatever I need, even if we don't have it. That's not the issue. The issue is that when I worked I had money that I could spend and not be accountable for how I spent it. I have lost that!

OK. I am going now. Enough feeling sorry for myself. I am going to try and start really looking at the positive. I have to if I am going to make it through life in a decent way. I know there are other's who have it much worse than me. I know that. I really do know that.

Thank you all for being here for me. I have the best friends anyone can ask for. I have the best partner a woman can ask for and my kids...well that goes without saying. They along with my partner are my my reason for life.

Bad, bad blogger

I know. I have been bad. I have to come right out and admit that I have been seriously depressed. So depressed that it has affected my family and friends. I don't know when it started, but I imagine it was the surgery that threw me overboard. I didn't have a good outcome. I saw my surgeon last week and he is saying that he suspects that one of the screws or rods is pressing on a nerve and that is what is making my leg hurt so badly. I can barely drive, still have to walk with a cane and can't afford physical therapy. I also can no longer work. I am so, so depressed over the thought of giving up my career. I have been a social worker all my life and to hear the MD say that I will have to give that up has been the most depressing thing of all. I just can't sit for an hour at a time any more.

I have to believe that something good is coming my way. I have good friends who have helped us out and all of my blogging buddies have always been there for me/us. Financially we are getting by. But it's just one more frustration. One that seems to have Cheryl and I arguing more and more. I hate money. I hate not having enough and I hate that it controls my life so much.

I am putting my trust in God. He will provide. He always has.

Katie has a new tooth!

About 2 years ago Katie fell and chipped her tooth. Well, a few weeks ago, I noticed that the 2 teeth next to it were turning brown so I took her to the dentist where it was determined that she needed a pulpotomy and that the teeth next to the chipped one were just stained (WHEW!). SO, off we went to the dentist today and after determining that she didn't really need the pulpotomy, they put on a crown (I think that's what it's called) and she has a whole tooth again! Here she is with her cute 'ol self!

Clothing help please - Hanna Andersson

OK - I am asking for some help here! I have scoured everywhere on the internet to try and find the match to these leggings. They are Pink W/Red Stripes. They are from the 2004 Hanna Andersson Fall/Winter line and are called shell pink. They go with either a Red Dot Dress or a Red Dress W/Pink Stripes. If you go to
Hanna Fanna's and look under the 2004 lines and go to play all day dresses winter holiday line, you will see the dress's that I am looking for. The pants are a size 120 so I could go with either a 120, or a 110 or even a 130 if need be.

So, if you know anyone who knows Hanna's and might be able to help me, please feel free to forward this on to them. I am hoping that when the winter catalog comes out they will have something to match, if not, then I will keep scouring e-bay the way that I have. Thanks guys! You all rock!

Trying to stay positive

So, there isn't much going on at the present time. Now that we've decided not to move, all the hubbubb has died down and we are going on as usual. You know, growing up, I always lived in crisis. Something was always going on in our family and it usually wasn't good. Old habits die hard I suppose. I seem to thrive on crisis. It's one thing that I have to work really hard on. Not creating crisis. Cheryl grew up relatively sane, so I have a good role model in her. She keeps me steady and on our feet.

This past weekend we installed a new minister into our church. It is a bittersweet issue for me, because my good friend Kathleen is the interm minister at the church now and I cannot tell you how much I will miss her. I know that we will remain friends but it just won't be the same. It was really difficult for me to see the new minister without the cloud of Kathleen hovering. There are so many issues for me and my family and acceptance is one of them. I know that Kathleen accepted our family and since the search committee sent out a copy of my article (you can look through the archives her for it since I am too lazy to post it) to prospective candidates and it's assumed that she is OK with GBLT families in the church. Anyway, I worry, because for me, this church has helped me personally grow spiritually and has shown me that mainstream religion can accept GBLT folks.

Anyway, no crisis today. Good thing eh?

We're staying

I lost my 2nd application for SSD. Came in the mail today. Of course my lawyer didn't care, because it's the first application we care about (the one we are waiting to go back before the judge on) and of course we will appeal this one. They had no records from the ortho MD who put all the hardware in my back.

I am tired. I am done. I don't think many people read this, and if they do, they are damn tired of my whining. Can't even get a home equity loan because of me not working and my high student loans. I told Cheryl to take me off the damn deed because all I seem to do is drag everyone down because I can't work. But I'm not disabled either right....

Fuck it I say, Just fuck it.

To move or not to move...that is the question

Well, Cheryl has been offered a position in a lab in Bellingham WA. We happen to live clear across the country in Upstate NY. I think we are going to go. They are offering her a good pay rate, and the area is beautiful. The clincher is that her current job is only guarantee'd until July.

So, do we take the offer and move across the country for something sure and leave everything behind, or do we stay here and take the chance that she doesn't lose her job and stay here?

If we stay here and she loses her job, then we could lose our house and all that we have built here. She would have to take the first job she can get, and it won't be in NY. So, we could end up anywhere, with any salary. We wouldn't have a choice where we go, whereas in the WA situation, we do.

Cheryl's mother is on board and will come with us. Gillian, while not happy, is on board. But, I would be leaving my whole family behind. Our church, which we hold dear. And my friends. The school, which we know and have worked with for years.

This is the hardest decision ever. When I posted to my Moms's board they were all telling me to GO! Bellingham is beautiful and from what I can tell from the relocation information and what I have found online, it is. There is little snow, but there is also little sun. Moderate temps vs the really cold here. We would be on the ocean and have the mountains behind us. We'd be very close to Vancouver, BC and Seattle, WA.

What's a girl to do. It's a lifetime changing decision.

Cheryl is going to talk to the person recruting her and ask more questions. We are most likely going to take a trip out there to see the area. But, if any of you that read me either live near that area and can offer advice, or if you have been in this situation, please, all advice is greatly appreciated.

Consignment shops?

I had the worse experience yesterday with a local consignment shop (if you live local and want to know which one, e-mail me and I will tell you). I took Katie's Britax Marathon in and the owner told me that she could only get $30 for it! What??? Which meant that I would only get $15. She was so rude, telling me how they just don't sell, people want the cheaper ones, etc. This was after I had called her and she told me that she can't keep them in her store, they sell so fast. So, while I was waiting for Gillian to load it back into the trunk, I looked in her car seat room where she had 2 Marathons, both in the same condition as mine priced at $85. So much for her selling them fast huh? I asked her for the history on them....none. No way to know if they had been in a crash or not.

So, I am glad that I didn't consign and will sell the seat myself. There has to be someone out there that wants a Marathon with a brand new cover?

I just can't get over how rude this woman was!