Sweet 16

Today I gave birth to my first born daughter. After 27 hours of labor, 2 hours of pushing and an emergency C-Section, Gillian was born. It was an amazing, beautiful time. I remember it like it was yesterday. Gillian was 2 weeks overdue and I was admitted to the hospital to be induced. I went in on the 4th knowing that it could take several days for her to be born. I was induced at 7am on the 5th and at Noon, my water broke with meconium. Around 6PM, the major contractions started. I thought I would be able to handle them with no problem. Just breathe a little and voila! Well, at 10PM, I was begging for meds, epidural, ANYTHING and the nurse said I had to be at least 3CM's and refused to check me because the monitor wasn't really showing any contractions. Everytime I had a contraction I would sit up and mess up the tracing. The nurse finally came back at 3AM and checked me and said I was 6CM's and I could have an epidural. The MD came in and gave me the blessed epidural and I went to sleep until they woke me up at 6AM, checked me, declared me fully dialated with a lip. They had my start pushing, but the baby wasn't engaged. They did some kind of test and noticed that her oxygen was low and said I needed a c-section stat. So, everything started happening in a blur and the next thing I knew, Gillian was born. The whole time I was pregnant, I thought I was having a boy and all the sono's I had never showed the sex. So, when they said it was a girl, I was so, so surprised. They took her away because it was a crash section and after a while, brought her back to me in recovery. I remember holding her and thinking to myself, "OH my God, what have I done?" The enormity of the responsibilty that was handed to me in that baby was overwhelming. But from there on, we've been a team her and I. Learnig to breastfeed, potty training, traveling, just being together. So, it was only fitting that the first thing we did this morning was to head down to the DMV and apply for her learners permit! She passed the test the first time and we went to a parking lot so she could practice. She did much better than I thought, but we still have a way to go before we are ready to hit the open road.

So, to my darling daughter. Happy Sweet 16 sweetie! I love you!

Mom

Just me and my girl......

Oh how I love this child! The summer slowly creeps by, school waiting to steal her from me. But for now, she's all mine! We are having such fun this summer. And while she is at playground, Gillian and I have been having some Mom and me time too, before school steals her back. 11th grade already...college seeking this year. And next Tuesday, she will be taking her permit to drive test. Already? It seems like just yesterday, she was being whisked away onto that big yellow school bus...but until September.....

Summer Lovin"

This is going to be Katie's fist day of school outfit! I got this great iron on and then had Kate from Monkeysbug make us the shirt with the capri's! I thought it came out so cute.




Isn't this the most adorable outfit? You have to head over to Everything But The Princess and pick up some great deals. Last year I bought a cute outfit from Room Seven through this site and there was an issue with it. The site owner fixed it quickly and I have been a loyal customer ever since. Well, I just bought another outfit, but still. I love this site and the sales just blow me away. This is an outfit from Mim Pi which is new to us. Runs a tad small, but will get us through the summer.



So, to finance all this, I have been listing like crazy and was able to sell quite a bit of last year's stuff in order to finance this years stuff. I had a great credit saved up at Mini Boden so I was able to pick up some cute stuff there too. Unfortunately, the pants aren't going to fit us this year as Katie is between sizes, so I stuck to skirts and shirts.

Now, onto more important stuff! Gillian is going to be 16 in a couple of weeks. She doesn't want a party, she just wants to go and get her permit! I am going to be teaching my baby how to drive soon. I can't believe it. Can you all believe that some of her friends are getting cars for their 16th birthday's? I am just shocked! I guess I shouldn't be, but what 16 year old needs their own car? Of course Gillian would answer "ME"! She is saving for a car, but she has no clue about insurance and all the other stuff that comes with cars. I am trying to adjust to giving her more freedom and sometimes it works, sometimes it backfires. We are all learning. I just wish that I could shop for cute clothes for her, but she definately has her own style so we just go and she picks out what she wants. She also is in a no pictures of me stage...but I will get her when I can. Trust me!

Cheryl is still working her butt off so we can pay the bills and keep us clothed, fed and gas in the car. I am still not working, but that might change when Katie starts school. I am contemplating putting my name in to sub, but not sure that I can do it. We'll have to see. I still haven't written Seminary off either, I just don't know what to do. I guess I am having a mid life crisis!

Well, that is it for now. More later....

Summer Pics

Here is a sampling of our summer so far. Gillian has decided that she doesn't like to have her picture taken these days so it's rare that I get one! More to come!

Relaxing at the beach! And if you love the dress, head over to Etsy and check out MonkeysBug's shop! She made the pattern for this dress (and made the dress too!)




Katie with Alice from Alice In Wonderland as we walked down storybook Lane at EFWS!



Gillian and her friend, Mama and Katie all ready to get on the Bumper Cars at Enchanted Forest Water Safari! We had a great time!



Getting ready to swing!



Ballet Beauty! Hopefully I will be able to scan in the professional pics!



I love the sprinkler!

Bad, Bad Blogger!

Sorry everyone. I have been so busy, I feel as though I have lost my mind. Right now, I am up waiting for Gillian to get home from being out late for the first time with her friends. So, I thought I would take the time to update you all....

Gillian - will be 16 in less than a month! She is already looking forward to getting her permit and starting to learn how to drive! Me, I am not so much looking forward to it. I really wanted to give her a Sweet 16 party, but she doesn't want one. I think we might get her the PS2 with DDR since that is what she has been craving lately. Mostly, she just wants to learn how to drive. She passed all her classes including her Regents! For those of you who know the struggles that she has been through know what a major accomplishment this is...WTG to Gillian. She is also working, scooping ice cream at a local ice cream shop and enjoying her summer. Seems we haven't had a night or weekend off in forever! I just can't tell you all how proud I am of my girl!

Katie - Starts playground tomorrow morning and will be there until mid-July when she will then take a week of VBS and then home for the week before school starts! Kindergarten no less. I am working on getting her wardrobe up to snuff for school...you know me...all bows and matching tights! I have quite a lot saved up in credit at Mini Boden, but pants are going to be an issue this year, so I am getting a couple of skirts and lots of shirts to put with jeans. I actually had her go through the catalog and pick out what she wanted. She went for the skirts and tights! I am busy going through all her clothes to see what fits. Denise DeMarchis over at Matilda Jane Clothing has some cute summer dresses that have been perfect for the hot summer days and I am hoping the winter dresses we have will still fit this year. I managed to get some Hanna's in 120, so after we find some pants to fit, we'll be set. Now, onto Katie...she "graduated" from Pre-K and is now ready for Kindy! I can't wait to see her get on that bus and hear all about her first day! She had her T-Ball games but was more interested in talking with her friends on base. She also had her Dance Recital (pics to come) that was just so dang cute. I loved it all. She's taking Jazz and Ballet this summer so we'll still be busy!

Cheryl - took this past week off (we were supposed to go to a family reunion, but a caving entry way took care of that for us). We did end up going to a local water park and had a great time. I have some great pics of the girls that I need to put up. We went to friends of ours yesterday as their son and daughter were graduating and had such a nice time. Then we ended the "vacation" by heading to Lake Ontario today and swimming and hanging at the beach! I don't want Cheryl to head back to work, but someone has to make the money to pay the bills!

Wendy - Same ol stuff. I thought I was having a heart attack the other night but a quick trip to Urgent Care and I was dx'd with some muscle spasm's in my chest area. Whew. I thought it was anxiety, but I did something to my arm and it radiated up to my chest wall. I still have my good days and bad and just try to get through.

I will try and get some pics up tomorrow or Tuesday while Katie is at playground. We've played and had fun!
Wendy

Father's Day.....

Most of you know that my father was killed in a work related accident 30+ years ago. I miss him terribly. I think about him a lot and can only imagine how my life would have been different had he lived. I wish he would have had a chance to meet Cheryl and I wish he would have had a chance to meet and get to know his grandchildren. He would have been an awesome grandfather. Dad, I know you know this, but I miss you and love you. This father's day was even sadder for me because it's the first one since my grandfather's death. My grandfather's death has affected me profoundly. I know, he was old and sick. I know that he was suffering and I know that he is in a better place. I was very lucky to have my grandfather in my life for as long as I did. Most people don't get to be 40 and still have their grandparents. But I miss him. I didn't go to either grave sites on father's day because I know that I would just be too sad, besides, I have been to both repeatedly and placed flowers and flags on both.

Today I went to Seminary and visited. I think my grandfather's death has brought me much closer to God. I don't know why I feel this calling to go to Seminary, I just do. I still don't know if I will enroll and if I do, whether I will work on my MDiv and become a minister or get a MA in Theology. In either case I will go on to get a doctorate and either become a Rev. Dr. or just a Dr. I don't know that if I become a minister that I will preach in a church or rather become a chaplain in a jail and/or hospital. Or perhaps God will call me to minister in a church. If I go for the MA in Theology and then get a Phd then I will probably teach in the University. Either way, I sense that after Gillian graduates from high school Cheryl and I may move. Again, I am following God's lead in this because He is the only one who really knows the ultimate plan.

That's all for today. I am going to get Katie to bed and read for a while before going to bed since we were up at 6 in order to get to Rochester by 8. Good night all

wendy

Sorry

Everything is fine, I have just been really, really busy with end of the school year stuff, ballet recitals, T-ball games and well just about everything else. I have some great pictures to download, a ton of stuff to e-bay and lots of sewing projects that are just waiting for me to finish them (or start them altogether). I always promised myself that I would never be one of those sewers with half finished projects and well, I am.

I am really having a hard time with Katie ending pre-K and heading off to Kindy next year. We were watching some baby shows together today and it struck me that this really was it. My soon to be 16 year old is going to be driving soon and my 5 year old is really going to kindy.

I am going on Monday to Colgate Rochester for the day to check it out. Not sure what will pan out of it. I have to try though. I have to do something. I for sure will volunteer at school, I will for sure be driving the 16 year old around. Or holding on white knuckled while she drives....

But, I have to do something for me. I really hope that SSD comes through soon. I can't stand living like this. Constantly worrying about money. Not being able to do anything extra. I mean we have enough to live, it's not dire or anything like that. But we just keep living without doing anything extra. And I shouldn't really complain because there are a lot of people who can't even make ends meet. But the pressure on Cheryl is immense, I feel guilty and is just keeps goign on and on.

Blah, enough of that. It's going to be a fun summer. We did splurge and get a park pass so I can take the girls to the beach. That's it....we'll become beach bums!

Wendy

OK, OK.....

I wasn't quite ready to share the news, but I am seriously considering attending Seminary. Now, before you go and get all hepped up, I am not even sure that this will pan out. I have so many things to check, like how am I going to get this paid for, which curriculum am I going to go for, etc. The school I am looking at Colgate Rochester, is Baptist by tradition. I can either go for my MDiv and become a minister or a MA in Religion and tie it into my MSW. They have a MA program in Religion with emphasis on Gender and Women's Study and that really intrigues me. Like I said, I just have some "small" things to work out. If that doesn't pan out, I don't know what I will do. I don't even physically know if I can DO school because of my not being able to sit. I am going to go sometime in the next few weeks and spend a day there and see how it pans out.

If that doesn't work, then I don't know what I will do. I really need a way to make money and I was offered a per diem position, but don't know much about it because I haven't pursued it. I really can't sit for long. In fact, I can't do much for long and it's very exasperating. Anyway, I don't want to turn this into a woe is me post.

So, that is the news. I will update as we go along, but I do know that SSD isn't coming anytime soon and my baby is going to Kindergarten next year and I just can't SIT all day waiting for my kids to come home.

Wendy

In Memorium....

I think if you click on the actual pictures, you can see them closer up. It is still really hard for me to go there and actually see the stone there. I cry everytime. I miss my grandfather so much, although I am really glad that he's not suffering anymore. I ran through the scenerio of his dying so many times in my mind over the past few years that to have it be real just makes it more painful. Sometimes I wish we were back to it not being real. My grandfather was my hero. He was in WWII and worked hard his whole life. I can only hope to be like him in my lifetime. I miss you grandpa.


Both sides together.


My grandfather's side alone...



Katie placing the flag!

I hate blogger sometimes

And this is one of them! I wanted to do a nice remembrance of my grandfather since they just laid down his gravemarker and the pretty flowers that we put there along with a flag since he was a staff Seargant in WWII, but blogger won't let me upload any pics right now. So, I will have to try again tomorrow.

I hope you all had a nice day. We went to a parade this morning and then went to my Grandfather's grave to put flowers there with a flag. Yesteday, I took some flowers to plant at my father's grave.

Anyway, be on the lookout for some pics of the beautiful marker my family picked to honor my grandfather.

And I will be making a HUGE announcement in the coming days! I have made a major life decision in the past few weeks, that has kept me up at night and made me really prayed a lot. But I still have some more work to do on my end to finish up before the announcement!

Wendy

Trying to fix it!

I am aware that the slideshow is huge and I am trying to fix it! Bear with me and if anyone has any idea's on how to make is smaller, let me know OK? Now scroll down and enjoy the show!

Lake Placid Camping Trip

It was the Bomb! There is a story behind the first pic....notice one child sleeping bag next to the adult sleeping bag? You know what should be there right? 2 adult sleeping bags, zipped together, creating a nice bed for 2 adults. But, a certain 5 year old, in a very tentative voice began the first night with, "Mommy, it's dark in here" Mommy, this isn't home", "Mommy, can I sleep with you?" So, I slept on top, Katie and Mama slept in their bags and Gillian slept on bottom. Other than the fact that I can't walk, this trip was the BOMB! We visited the Ausuble River, Whiteface Mountain and the many Olympic sites...the tall ski jumps, the luge run, etc. Everything was closed, but just seeing it was so cool! And the kids....they got along, Gillian and Katie were good and it was just a great trip! It will take me some time to recover....but it was worth it! Enjoy the video!

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

PreSchool Fun

There is nothing sweeter in this world than seeing your child singing and having a great time. Her class put on a great parent appreciation party today. In the first song they were singing about friends and in the last one, they were driving cars and putting glasses, scarves, hats, etc,....on. It was too cute for words. We had such a great time watching it. I can't believe that my baby is going to Kindergarten next year, ALL DAY!





On another note, all the pretty fabric that I have ammassed has been packaged up and is flying through the air to a new home to those who sew much better than I. Sad? No way! I will be getting the fabrics back, in great new outfits for Katie! I think I am really going to concentrate on quilting for now. I really enjoy it more and I feel more satisfied when I do it. I will keep learning how to sew clothing, but I get very defeated very quickly when I see people sew outfits that take one afternoon while the same thing takes me weeks. I have Katie's quilt top done, just need to fill it, back it and quilt it. I am really struggling with what to do. Not sure whether I am good enough to stipple or stick to stitch in the ditch. It's really appealing to take it down to the quilt shop and have them put it on their machine. But that would be cheating.....

Wendy

Another one of those days

This is going to be a blah post, so feel free to skip right over it. I woke up this morning, not feeling myself. I hate those days. Just hate them. Yesterday my daughter was gay bashed at school and I am so angry about it. I feel so powerless. I hate those kids that did it. 2 seperate incidents! At least the teacher that heads up their GSA is going to the principal about it, but I want to storm in there and demand that they do something to make my daughter SAFE! It doesn't help that she is really struggling with normal teen stuff....peers and fitting in, but then to get this on top of it just put her over the edge. To see her tear stained face when I picked her up just about broke my heart. I am learning though, that I can't just rush and help, I have to let her work things out for herself. Don't read that I won't do something if I think it needs parental assistance, but I feel as though the real power she gets is taking the issue and doing something about it. It's that tightrope balancing act that we as parents have to do with our teens. I will be talking with the advisor to see where he got with administration, but if that doesn't work, then the head of the LGBTQ Center that she goes to, Cheryl and I will be heading in to speak with the principal. I really hope that it doesn't have to escalate any further than that. Anyway, good thoughts for our up and coming queer kids are appreciated. Kids can be so cruel can't they?

This whole thing of course set off her colitis and she missed work. They were so good about it, but she just started and I hate to see her lose her job. When I talked with the manager this morning (went in to get my coffee) she said that if she had shown up to work sick, they would have sent her home. I felt better about that.

So, back to me. I am just feeling blah today. Worrying about the world and everyone in it. I would like to just sit back and read, but Katie is off today and we are working on a secret project (Can't tell you just yet)! So, I am off to face the world.

Wendy

Summer is a comin'

My very first dress. Of course there is a story behind this. This is supposed to be a tiered shirt that goes over a pair of capri's. The capri's are now the third tier of the dress since I messed them up so badly. I do have more material to make the capri's and will just so I can learn how to, but geesh, it's a lot harder than it looks, let me tell ya! I still have to fuss with the ruffle on the dress, but I am pretty proud of my first dress!



And of course all dresses must pass the twirlability test in our house!

Too many bows?

Is there such a thing as too many bows? Nah! Here are all the bows that I have ammassed over the course of my clothing addiction for Katie. I have found some wonderful women on the loops that I belong too that have made these for us over the years. I always sell off the bows that go with the outfits, so you can only imagine how many bows there would be if I didn't do that. And I have gone to having 2 bows made because for some reason Katie's hair does much better in 2 pony's than one.




Here is Katie waiting for the bus! I bought this dress 2 years ago when I friend of mine went to the Hanna outlet for me! Then, last year when we went to the high scale outlet mall and ended up at a Mall in Westchester with a Hanna store, I bought the shorts that I thought matched it along with the socks. Well, they don't match exactly, but it's good enough for me! And see the bows? They were made to go with another outfit, but they went well enough for me with this one!



And I am still sewing. I am putting the finishing touches on another dress that I made. It started out as a shirt with capri's under it. I messed up badly on capri's (going to try again), but a good seamstress doesn't throw away her fabric, she just takes it and adds it to the dress. I am just adding the bottom ruffle and then going to take another crack at the capri's. It's going to be darn cute if I do say so myself! And I still have that Easter dress to finish! I WILL FINISH IT if it's the last thing I do! LOL!

Wendy

Still sewing

Sorry I haven't been around. I have been busy trying to recover from the trip! I'ts definately taken a toll on my body. This is the first time we have gone somewhere since my back surgery and it was rough. Sitting in a car for 7 hours and then sleeping in a different bed. Not to mention all the running around I had to do when I got back. I still have several project out there in sewing land that I am trying to finish up. But, until I am done with those, here are some pictures from our trip!

For some reason Gillian felt the need to "kiss" all the animals! She asked me to take pics to send to her friends. 15 year olds sure can be weird!


Look at the size of that Hippo!


Katie all ready for her big day at the zoo!


Vegged out in front of a video in the car!



So there you have it, a snap shot view of our trip. I am almost finshed with my first dress/capri set so I better get moving while I have the time to sew!
Wendy

DC or BUST!

We are having a BLAST in DC! We got in yesterday and are visiting with Cheryl's brother. We drove down with Cheryl's mom and other than a small glitch of MIL not understand why Katie has to ride in a car seat, it went well. I have to admit that traveling with 2 kids almost 11 years apart is a challenge. Katie is asleep at 8:30PM and Gillian was busy text messaging her friends until the wee hours of the morning. Since MIL is paying for our hotel room, we are all in the same room. UGH and double UGH! But, it's been fun anyway.

Since I can't do a lot of walking, we drove from Springfield VA (where BIL lives) to the National Zoo. We got lost and I got some great pics from driving around the city. There is a metro station right across the street from our hotel, but I knew that I wouldn't be able to walk from the metro stop to the zoo and then walk around the zoo. I did that a few years ago and could barely do it, so I knew I wouldn't be able to do it. And because there are so many of us, we had to take 2 cars. Well, BIL got lost but it was fine with me! I got to see the Washington Monument, the Iwo Jima statue, some protesters downtown and lots of great sights in Georgetown. It was great! And of course there was the ZOO! I got some great pics (that I will DL when I get home) of the kids at the zoo. We saw the panda's, elephants, a HUGE hippo and lots of other animals. We really had a great time.

We got lost heading home, so I got to see some more sights then too! Tomorrow, Cheryl, Katie, MIL, BIL and his son are heading downtown on the metro to go to the Spy Museum while I go with Gillian and SIL to a great mall that has a Hanna Andersson store! I am so excited! An actual Hanna store. Good thing I saved a little of that money my grandpa left for me. I may end up taking the Metro downtown later to meet up with Cheryl and Katie and go on one of those tours, but we'll see how tired I am. Truth be told, the ride down was very unpleasant on my back and sleeping in a strange bed doesn't help either (and having a teenager tap, tap, tapping on her phone till all hours doesn't help either)

So, look for some great pics when we get back. I didn't think to bring the cord to upload....sorry! I will talk with you all when I get back on Tuesday. I am checking e-mal if you need to get ahold of me though!

Wendy

More inner musings....reading

Although this one is less maudlin. I think there are going to be lots of nuggets coming out of my mind over the next few months.

Anyway, growing up, I always loved to read. I would go into a panic if there wasn't a book for me to read (and still do). Now that I have money (well kind of anyway) I always have a big stack of books next to my bed to get through.The library is my best friend! And I am always reading. I am the person who reads at stop lights when they are red (and have trained my 5 year old to tell me when the light turns green). I read whenever I can. Now, that doesn't mean that I don't do other things, but reading takes me to a place where nothing else can. Like Anna Quindlen states in her book, Living Out Loud, "I still read constantly: if my kids ever go into analysis, I'm sure they will say they don't really remember my face because it was always hidden by a book. Obviously this is in part because I like books. But another reason is that I like to be alone. I like to go deep inside myself and not be accompanied there by anyone else. But I am the oldest of 5 children (so am I), and when I was young, I had about as much chance of being alone as I did of being a lion tamer. Reading was for me then a way of lifting myself out of a crowded environment into a place where I could be by myself"

When I read this, it was like a light bulb went off in my head. I love the place that reading takes me to. Whether it's fiction or non-fiction, I love all things books. I used to make myself read a book cover to cover, even if I didn't like it. Now, I know that time is too precious to waste on something that I really don't like. But, there is nothing like being transported from this world, directly into another. A world that is quiet and where I can be alone, even if it's just for 5 minutes.

So many books, so little time is my motto....

Wendy

Making connections

I could have titled this one, Psychic Pain, but went with Connections instead. This is going to be a very painful post for me to write, but I really feel that if I don't get these words out of me, they will eat me from the inside out.

Life has been very rough for me for a while. I can't even pinpoint when the downward slide began, but it's been a while. I am very depressed, and spend a lot of my energy covering that up so that people don't know, although I would guess that those who know me well, know this. I feel like that commercial for Cym*alta lately. You know the one that goes, "Depression hurts?" I could go on and on about what I think is making me depressed, but I think there are 3 things that I can put my finger on. 4 very significat trauma's that have occurred that are all colliding at once and causing me deep psychic pain.

1)My father's death. Some people would say, "Hey, it's been 30 years, let it go already", but it's just not that east. I thought my father would save me from the hell hole that I was living in at the time. Living with an abusive stepfather and an overwhelmed mother. My father's death was single handedly one of the most traumatic events in my life. He was killed in an explosion where he worked when I was 10. Even just thinking about when I was told her was dead can still bring tears to my eyes. It's not just his death that plays into my depression, but the loss of my fantasy that he would take me out of the hell hole that I lived in. He was my LAST resort. And in one fell swoop, POOF, it was gone. I think, no, I know, my ability to trust was badly damaged by this. To say that I miss him is a gross understatement. And with my grandfather's recent death, this drags it all back up again. Opening doors that I thought were shut. Letting those feeling back in and that pain back in.

2)I don't know how much I can talk about this one, but it will be something that I will be journaling about. When I was 14, I met a woman that I started babysitting for. I was just beginning to question my sexuality and was pretty sure that I was a lesbian, although I didn't have a name for it. I knew that I was attracted emotionally to woman more than me, especially woman teachers. I think there was probably some sexual attraction too. So, this woman that I met when I was 14, started what I know now to "groom" me. She paid a lot of attention to me and even though she was dating and sleeping with a man, she started to treat me differently than the other kids in her house. She was a foster mother and in addition to her one biological child, she had several foster children, some young, some teens. I always got special attention. I was attracted to her, I guess you could say I had a crush and was infatuated with her. She knew this and used this. I started to babysit for her and if she would be out late, I would spend the night. Sometimes, I would sleep on the pull out couch if she was bringing her boyfriend home, but if not, I shared her bed. At 15, she finally started to abuse me. At the time, I saw it as love and she really played that up. There is a lot more to this, such as bringing me into her relationship with this man she was involved with and "dumping me" off and on that left me with such grief, that to this day I don't know that I will ever be able to be heathy in a relationship. I feel tainted and dirty. And you can tell me that I was used and abused and that none of it was my fault and intellectually I know this, emotionally, it has left deep scars that I don't know will ever be able to heal from. It impacts who I am as a person, woman and lover to the core. There are too many "unsaids" that I don't want to make public, but this is just an overview. I was robbed of my adolesence. It dawned on me today, my oldest is 15, the same age as I was when the abuse started. It makes a lot of sense to me now, this psychic pain that I have been going through. I see so much of myself in her (my 15 year old) and I feel so strongly the need to protect her from all of the evils in the world. I know that it's true, that when your child is the age you were when you were abused, it tends to bring up all the feelings and hurts that occured when you were that age. I just never really thought about it until now. I have a lot of work to do. A lot of healing. I have been spending a lot of time trying to get out of my own skin. I can't even expain how it feels to be me right now. I feel as though I am that skinny, moody 15 year old all over again, and it hurts really badly. Sometimes it hurts to badly that I just want to leave and get away from everyone and everything. I feel as though I can't be the partner I should be and certainly not the mother my kids deserve. My brain feels so full of pain that I feel as though I am robbing everyone of myself. Including me. I walk around feeling so angry, I know it radiates off me. No wonder our house is a mess of human emotions just flying around. I certainly haven't been a good role model to either one of my children in teaching them how to manage their own emotions. Just look at their mother. This is all I can really say about this issue although the roots are deeply painful and this is just a skim off the top of what happened. This "relationship" went on for 10 years. It wasn't until my 15 year old was born that I realized that I was not going to raise her in this kind of environment. (My ex and I were exclusive for the last 6 years of our "relationship) How sad is that? I couldn't even leave a damaging relationship for myself, but I thank my lucky stars that I could for my child. To give her the chance to be raised by a parent that could model good parenting.

3)Being discrimated against. There is an issue that is going on in my church where I am being discriminated against because of my sexuality. It is draining on my soul. My church is my second home, one of the places that I feel safe and now that safety is being challenged. I have faith in God that this will work out and that the church will do what is right for them. I have been trying to pray a lot. Pray that God will give me the guidance I so deeply need right now. To do the right thing and know what the right thing is. To give me the patience I need to be a good mother and good partner and to give me the grace to be a better person overall.

4) Being disabled - This is probably the biggest current one right now. Still waiting to hear about SSD and still struggling financially. I said to Cheryl the other night that if people don't believe me, I would love for them to live in my body, just one day. To feel the pain that I feel, just for one day. To feel the humilation that I feel because I can't do the things that other people my age can do. I hate walking with a cane, but if I don't, then I run the chance of falling. I want to work. I miss it badly. Thinking about working makes me feel tired. But I feel as though I am letting my family down by not working. We have to go without so much. I know that I have written about this a million times, so I am not going to go through it again. Let's suffice it to say that it's something that I pray about every day. Asking God to please give me a body that doesn't betray me. Because this one does. For those of you who read me and deal with chronic pain, you know exactly what I mean.

If you've read this far, thank you. I feel drained now, but in a good way. I will be writing more privately about my abuse, but I hope telling as much of my story that I did will help anyone reading this that is either going through it or have been through it. Words are very powerful and used in the right way, helpful.

I really want to be happy again. I want to be pain free, both physically and psychically. I want to smile again and be a good role model to my children. I don't want them to see me fighting with my partner. I want them to see a healthy and wholesome relationship. I want to act with grace and dignity. I want to be the partner who gives something instead of always taking. I want to be the mother who can be there for her kids in all ways. I really, really just want to be a healthy and happy ME!

Wendy